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AIBU?

Valentines and friends partner

42 replies

HiHiHey · 12/02/2024 19:54

Me and my lovely best friend have a weekly(ish) lunch date, and this week we thought it would be cute to do it on Wednesday as a sort of 'galentines' brunch just for fun.

For background, She's in a relationship of less than a year, but pretty serious, with a guy who I know (we all used to work together) who I don't particularly get on with and have clashed with slightly in the past, he's made it clear that he doesn't like me either, but we're civil for her sake and it doesn't affect my friendship. My friend and I are also pretty good at communicating with each other and boundaries etc, and I take care not to comment on their relationship (apart from a few times when she's asked me directly what I think about an argument they've had for example).

Today she calls me and says she's sorry but her boyfriend doesn't want her to meet me because it's valentines and it should only be about them and their relationship. Now, bare in mind he would be at work during this time, and their plans aren't until the evening because of this.

I want to clarify that I wasn't especially attached to doing the galentines day thing, and we will meet another day, and my upset (for lack of a better word) isn't about her cancelling, but I can't help but feel that this is quite weird and controlling on his part.
I didn't want to stress my friend or taint her experience of valentines day, nor do I want to make her feel like i'm fighting for her affection, so on the phone when she asked if that was okay, all I said was that I don't think he really has the grounds to dictate that but if it'll save you an argument sure, and then moved on to chit chat.

AIBU for thinking that he is being unreasonable, and WIBU to tactfully bring up my concern that this seems pretty controlling and I'm concerned that he's trying to isolate her?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

251 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
10%
You are NOT being unreasonable
90%
TwylaSands · 13/02/2024 06:46

Happyinarcon · 13/02/2024 06:38

I think there’ll come a time where he won’t let her see you altogether. He won’t say she cant, but he’ll find something to pick a fight over whenever she wants to spend time with you and it will become too emotionally exhausting for her to argue about it.

This. Then he gets worse and she has nobody to turn to.

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MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 13/02/2024 06:49

Were the plans for just a lunch together. Or is the 'galentines' lunch going to a romantic place really?
If it the date why not do it on the 13th which is today and actually Galentines Day? Am assuming you're both Parks and Recreation fans?

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AndThatWasNY · 13/02/2024 06:56

He sounds an absolute cunt. Your friend should leave him. How sad she is so early in a relationship putting up with this sort of behaviour.
Has she low self esteem?

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RageRage · 13/02/2024 07:06

I think those not seeing this as a red flag perhaps haven't been in emotionally abusive or manipulative relationships. This is exactly the sort of shit my horrible ex boyfriend would pull, exactly. He couldn't cope with me having any contact with other people, as he just wanted me to himself, alone and isolated. Bear in mind we lived together, we were in town one day and I bumped into a very good friend I hadn't seen in a month. I gave a little squeak of joy, gave her a hug and we had a very quick catch up and made plans to meet. I was then punished for a week for this behaviour as I gave her a 'better hello' than my partner, whom I lived with and saw essentially all day every day?? Was I supposed to jump up and shriek with joy and cast myself upon his chest every time he entered a room? Yes, according to him. Honestly this is such a red flag for me. I would be running a mile. Took 2 years of having my self worth destroyed before one day I just snapped and left my partner. Never looked back, but 17 years later I still bear the emotional scars of that hateful man.

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BardRelic · 13/02/2024 07:21

AIBU for thinking that he is being unreasonable, and WIBU to tactfully bring up my concern that this seems pretty controlling and I'm concerned that he's trying to isolate her?

The first part, I agree with you. He is deeply unreasonable and as PP have said, his behaviour looks controlling, especially since he sulks in other circumstances. The second I would be careful of. He may be one step ahead of you and have told your friend that you might say something like this and claim that you don't like him and are trying to drive a wedge between them. It's very difficult to know what to do, but I would be fighting to maintain the friendship no matter what he does, because there will come a time when she needs you more than ever.

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MiltonNorthern · 13/02/2024 07:27

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 13/02/2024 06:49

Were the plans for just a lunch together. Or is the 'galentines' lunch going to a romantic place really?
If it the date why not do it on the 13th which is today and actually Galentines Day? Am assuming you're both Parks and Recreation fans?

They usually meet for lunch on a Wednesday. It's not that deep.

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Stupidliefromfriend · 13/02/2024 07:36

I think honestly your friend is in trouble with this guy. Why should he even know what she's doing when he's at work, nevermind dictate like this? It's very sad for your friend. Unfortunately I've no advice as I am in a similar situation as you.

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barkymcbark · 13/02/2024 07:44

Sounds controlling to me, could understand if it was on an evening and he wanted to take her out. But if he's at work anyway it's just ridiculous,

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burnoutbabe · 13/02/2024 08:07

I'd be very aware that it's not nice to ditch your single friend who you had plans with on Valentine's Day.

I may not have any drink lunchtime if it would impact going out later but that would be it. Or I'd arrange it another day in first place if I didn't want 2 meals out in a day.

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MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 13/02/2024 08:10

MiltonNorthern · 13/02/2024 07:27

They usually meet for lunch on a Wednesday. It's not that deep.

Oh I didn't realise it was always a Wednesday, just a random day in the week and this week op wanted to meet on valentines day! thought it would be cute to do it on Wednesday as a sort of 'galentines' brunch just for fun.

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HiHiHey · 13/02/2024 10:22

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 13/02/2024 06:49

Were the plans for just a lunch together. Or is the 'galentines' lunch going to a romantic place really?
If it the date why not do it on the 13th which is today and actually Galentines Day? Am assuming you're both Parks and Recreation fans?

it's at our usual brunch spot, a typical ausie-style gentrified coffee house. we couldn't do today, and the word has become more freely used around this time (at least in my circles I've had friends 'do' galentines all week haha). As I said, It wasn't so much about it being an event for us, the planning of it looked something like 'Why don't we do our brunch on Wednesday next week, it can be our galentines haha'

OP posts:
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Shoxfordian · 13/02/2024 10:28

He sounds quite controlling to me, its a shame she's not able to see it yet

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KreedKafer · 13/02/2024 13:43

ColdButSunny · 12/02/2024 20:01

I kind of see his point actually. If I was going out for a lovely dinner with DH (whether that was for Valentine's or birthday or whatever) I wouldn't be that keen on him making plans to go out for lunch on the same day. I just feel like it wouldn't seem as special if he'd already had one nice meal out earlier that same day!

Fucking hell. This is... well, it's certainly something.

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KreedKafer · 13/02/2024 13:49

I would definitely be concerned if any of my friends told me they'd been banned from having brunch with a mate while their boyfriend was at work, whether it was Valentine's Day, her birthday or fucking Judgement Day. The fact that she's doing something with the boyfriend in the evening is neither here nor there.

It is absolutely controlling, and it's also possessive, immature and just fucking weird.

I think you handled it in exactly the right way when you spoke to her on the phone. I think if she was my best mate, I would certainly be looking out for other signs of controlling behaviour in the future and I would maybe have a gentle chat with her in a low-key way next time you do see her.

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KreedKafer · 13/02/2024 13:57

WandaWonder · 12/02/2024 20:48

You don't like him and he is male nothing he does or says will be right

Sure I don't get the valentines thing but I would presune a new couple would want to be together I would just do something another day

I would presune a new couple would want to be together

Did you miss the fact that the boyfriend is going to be at work all day and that for that reason they are going to 'be together' in the evening?

He is telling his girlfriend that she can't see a friend DURING THE DAY WHILE HE IS AT WORK just because it's 14 February. It would be just as insane if it was a woman telling a man this. If any man I knew was dating a woman who had forbidden to have a pint with his best mate at lunchtime because it was Valentine's Day, even though she was going to be at work all day, I would be telling him to run a mile from her.

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Cas112 · 13/02/2024 14:07

ColdButSunny · 12/02/2024 20:01

I kind of see his point actually. If I was going out for a lovely dinner with DH (whether that was for Valentine's or birthday or whatever) I wouldn't be that keen on him making plans to go out for lunch on the same day. I just feel like it wouldn't seem as special if he'd already had one nice meal out earlier that same day!

You do know this is quite controlling?

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mitogoshi · 13/02/2024 14:34

Depends on the kind of lunch! A long boozy lunch? yes I would be annoyed if I'd planned for something special that night, whereas grabbing a sandwich with a friend is not an issue.

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