To think nothing I do will ever satisfy him?

[livinginthedark]

I'll try and summarise everything the best I can so I'm not accused of drip feeding. Apologies this is long.

DH runs his own business mainly WFH, but goes to his office once a week. He makes very good money. At least triple what I make, but money is still tight after paying all our bills and expenses.

For the past 5 years I've worked 4 days a week, mainly from home (partially a legacy of covid). Two years ago I accepted a new role with the same company. I really enjoy the role and am excelling in it. While I often WFH my schedule can change frequently and at short notice, requiring me to be in the office or somewhere else for meetings anywhere from 1-3 days a week. And sometimes on my non working day, but if this happens I am given a day back in lieu. Occasionally travel is involved. 1-2 nights away every couple of months.

DH hates that I do not earn a higher salary. Often pointing out people he knows with less education or experience who make more than me (but in completely different industries). Nothing I can do about that!

I was diagnosed a few years ago with ADHD which had finally made me understand why I never excelled in any of my previous roles. It is also why I DO excel in my current role. I know now that I will never excel in the type of boring desk based work I did previously, no matter what the company or pay. My brain does not function the way it needs to for that type of role.

I have been putting in loads of work to be able to justify and secure a raise. Now that both children are in school I have also discussed the possibility of moving from 4 days a week to 5 days a week to bring in more income.

But..... I still don't see DH being content once I do.

The main issues are:

DH is frustrated I don't earn enough money and feels I am underpaid. This is valid, and I am negotiating a salary increase at the moment. If I continue at 4 days a week, my salary increase will not be massive, or bring me up to the higher salary range of the people he knows in different industries who are younger and have less experience. It might bring in a couple hundred £ extra a month

DH hates the fact that I need to work away from home a few days a week and travel occasionally which means all of the child care and duties sit with him. Even if I do WFH I'm usually tied up on calls during school pick up time, so he does that bit because he has the flexibility of being his own boss.

DH prefers to go to his office on a set day. He likes routine. My job is not very routine. There are also only 3 possible days he can go in. Sometimes this clashes with the days I'm out of the house.

If I move to 5 days a week I will obviously bring in more income, but this would also mean I may not be WFH for that day. In these instances, despite the increased income I know he still won't like the fact that I'm not at home to do school pick ups or prep dinner the odd time.

This afternoon I was made aware that I would need to be in the office 3 days next week. One of the days is when DH will be at his office. I let DH know this, and mentioned I may not be home in time to take one of the children to their after school activity, but I would be able to take the other once I got home. (I forgot to mention pick up for the youngest, but my plan was to put them in afterschool club).

DH did what he usually does and got angry with me, telling me how difficult I make his life and how much pressure I put him under in these situations because he's left to pick up my slack. He's always saying things like: you're killing me, you have no idea the pressure you put on me, you have no idea what I have to deal with, your job is ruining the family, no one else does as much as I do, you're never around, etc.

AIBU to think that no matter what I do, I'm never going to make him happy?

If I work 5 days I'm likely to be gone out of the house even more and that puts pressure on him and he still won't be satisfied with the extra income I bring in.

If I stick to 4 days I'm earning less and still needing to work in the office.

If I leave the company I'm with to get a new job entirely in a similar type role I know now is what I excel and do best in, it may result in a slightly higher salary, but I would almost certainly need to work 5 days, commute (longer and more expensive), travel more frequently, etc.

I feel like I can't win.

Can you put the children in wrap around care? Would that help?

One child essentially is (school or their school activities don't let out until 4:30-5:30 each day). They're old enough that they can wait on their own or ask for a ride if one of us is late picking up.

The younger one we could yes. If I could daily I would, but it's expensive so DH won't go for it. It's only on the rare occasion when both our schedules clash and he can't pick them up that we do that. Even then DH scolds me because it's costing him money

“your job is running the family”

Excuse me? You’re not a stay at home parent, so no, that isn’t your bloody job. Cheeky fucker. I would go on strike for all days except the one day you don’t work and tell him it’s so he can see what it’s like to do all those things every day, not just once in a while. THEN ask him if he still feels you “make his life difficult”.

It does sound hard that things keep changing re your schedule even though that's not your fault.
I would find it stressful too, like your DH does, never knowing what was coming on a particular day, especially when there are kids pick-ups, activities etc to consider. It's doable of course, but there is a stress associated with it and maybe he's the type of person who feels that more than you do.

He shouldn't speak to you like that, obviously, but it does sound like a lot of faffing about for little money.
We run on a very tight schedule here to ensure all dc are picked up, taken to after school activities etc. DH has 2 days he can choose from to go in to the office, so do I. There's no flexibility beyond that or the whole thing falls down around us.

Does he have any justification for feeling that he does more? If you listed everything that you did in hours of work versus domestic hours and compared them to his, how would that pan out?
He can’t complain that you do more hours AND complain that you BOTh need to pay for more childcare.
It’s good that you’ve found what you’re good at and found an environment that you find nurturing. Don’t give that up because of his tantrumming.
Make it fair and then shut down any more grumbling.

DH does a lot yes, I'll give him that. But I feel I do a lot as well. He generally sorts breakfast out for the children, while I do dinner. We both do morning drop offs, he does pick ups most of the time, but I do a couple a week. We both do our share of the activities. Although he does a bit more because he is the driving force behind one of the children's activities as he does a similar one himself.

I'll also say that the majority of the time I'm able to give him at least a few weeks notice of my whereabouts and if I need to be working out of the house on certain days. There are exceptions obviously where things are short notice. But generally not.

The rational for his anger is that he makes more money than I do, so if his business were to fail because he was too busy taking care of the children then we'd be in serious trouble. He makes more and contributes more to the home allowing us to afford things we'd couldn't if he didn't. (But then again - isn't that pretty much the same for most dual income households?)

And while I do agree with that and understand that, I hate the way he speaks to me and makes me feel worthless. But most of all it's extremely confusing for me. I can't figure out what he wants and what I can do to basically "please" him.

I've asked him what he suggests I do to improve things, but he can't give me an answer.

I've tried to run my own business that would have allowed me to make more money, but I fail at the executive functioning and admin part of it.

I now know what types of roles I excel at due to my ADHD, and they're hectic type jobs where the setting varies and keeps me on my toes. Not desk based jobs that require me to do power points and spread sheets.

As I mentioned before, if I take on more hours / days I'll be out of the house the same amount or more so that's not going to help take the 'burden' off him, but it will obviously help a bit income wise.

If I leave my current job and get an entirely new one, I won't have the flexibility of my current role, and the demands on my time will be more and I'll need to commute further which will take up more of my time and / or money.

I just don't know what to do? What is the answer? What does he want?

Can you tell him the way he speaks to you makes you feel worthless? Honestly it sounds like he treats you with contempt and I wouldn't want to stay in a marriage with a partner who got angry with me all the time rather than working as a team on a solution that works for the family. It sounds like you can't win because that's the points he doesn't want you to, he wants to keep berating you on whatever basis he can, not earning enough, not being round enough etc. I am wondering if he is or ever has been abusive in other ways. Entitlement and contempt are big red flags.

Id be telling him to go shove his 1950's attitude...as when did it get to be your job to run the family.
He wants a sahm...so he can be Billy big balls running his business...well it isn't successful enough to afford for you to be a sahm..and frankly maybe you don't want to anyway.
You don't have to please him btw...he's not your dad or teacher or boss.

You can’t win because he will never let you win, he doesn’t want you to win, he will actively work to ensure you don’t win. Even when you win (well done you for getting a job you enjoy and negotiating a raise and additional hours!) he will ensure that you don’t feel it is one.

You need to read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (Download on kindle or apple book apps, read discretely).

It’s really insightful and I think it’s going to reasonate with you.

Do the extra hours/extra day, even if it means putting the youngest in after school club… that won’t be forever but you might not easily get another chance to progress your own career in a job you enjoy.

Long term, his attitude is going to kill your marriage. You might want to tell him that.
Solutions are things like marriage counselling . You would have to monitor that carefully because it’s not recommended for abusers. He either needs to pull his socks up sharply when he realises he’s got into a nasty habit, or you realise that he’s showing you his true colours and you’re going to be making different choices.
Congratulations on your job.

So it's all down to you to make his life easier? Righto

If you're on twenty five grand a year, he could have a point about not being valued/too much work for not enough money (although that would mean he's still bringing in over seventy five, so if money's tight with £100k a year, that's a problem with overspending, not your earnings). But if you're on more than that, you're earning fine - definitely enough to go it alone, have all control and not have him trying to stop you working in a role that suits you.

Actually, @livinginthedark wrote

'your job is ruining the family'

So unless OP mistyped he is saying her job is damaging the family.

He's still a twat, though.

I suspect it may be a combination of things

1. he thrives on order and you thrive on chaos so he is always looking for a degree of certainty that won’t be there - this may need compromises from you both.
2. This is more serious - he has made you his emotional stress ball. When he feels stressed, instead of finding constructive solutions, he finds reasons why it is your fault. Bad day at work - if only living was around more / did more / had a more predictable schedule I wouldn’t have this stress. Worried about the bills or his business - if only living earned more I wouldn’t have this stress. This is much more challenging to deal with and needs calling out.

I do think you need to recognise that he may need more predictability than you do and you may have to make some compromises. However, he doesn’t get to blame you for every stress he feels as that is demeaning, demoralising and unfair.

Ah good point yes I must have read that too quickly.

Agree he’s still a twat.

I would tell him if it’s your job to run the family and home you could of course give up working 🤷🏼‍♀️.

my daughter years ago used the phase “ it is what it is “ it was the first time I had heard it and think it’s brilliant,

life is what it is, you learn to go with it or not, his choice

I wouldn't increase my hours. I'd want a sit down talk. What were the agreements before you got pregnant? How did discussions about earnings go before children? Did your part time work mean a lot less in childcare bills etc etc? He needs to stop with blaming you, unless your children were contraception failures and you refused abortion, these were his decisions as well.

I have tried this. But he's a DARVO technique master, so always manage to flip it around back onto me.

He says that I'm the one who doesn't appreciate him, says how he does everything and no one care, and says I make HIM feel worthless

I actually have this book hidden away in my closet. I ordered it and had a quick flip through it to try and find a section that related to my situation, but struggled to do so. Most of it seemed like it was for physically abusive relationships or very blatant narcissistic relationships.

And do I get that some people need more stability / predictability. But I'm not sure how else I can apply this in my role.

Most of the time I can't dictate my whereabouts as my role requires me to be in the office or elsewhere with clients. This is the element of my role that keeps my brain stimulated and on my toes. If it were purely a WFH / desk job I would flounder after a year or two. I say that with 15 years previous experience.

It's looking like my best option in terms of maximising my salary is to go back to working 5 days a week which. Neither of us are happy with the salary increase I was given (less than 5% - national inflation was nearly 10%)

I mentioned going back full time and the salary that would go along with it. It wouldn't be loads. A few hundred extra a month after tax. He seemed ok with it at first because he said I 'waste my days off most of the time not doing anything' but when he asked if I would have to work away from home and I said yes, he got cranky again and wasn't happy with that.

Once again I explained that if I left my current company to work for another it would be full time, and not as flexible and I would most likely have to commute which would cost time and money. And I'd also still be required to do some travel or work offsite elsewhere with clients.

I can't win

I can't win

The only way to win is not to play.

Not quite sure what you mean

So he thinks you are/should be a family slave? Sexist nonsense.
Why do you need more money? There's more to life than money and work.

What does he want? Fuck that, what do you want?

If you've got a copy of Lundy Bancroft hidden in the wardrobe you know on some level that's something isn't right here.

Get it out, and read it. Then decide what you are and aren't willing to accept in terms of his behaviour and if you want to spend the rest of your life dancing about so he won't hate you.