To think nothing I do will ever satisfy him?

[livinginthedark]

I'll try and summarise everything the best I can so I'm not accused of drip feeding. Apologies this is long.

DH runs his own business mainly WFH, but goes to his office once a week. He makes very good money. At least triple what I make, but money is still tight after paying all our bills and expenses.

For the past 5 years I've worked 4 days a week, mainly from home (partially a legacy of covid). Two years ago I accepted a new role with the same company. I really enjoy the role and am excelling in it. While I often WFH my schedule can change frequently and at short notice, requiring me to be in the office or somewhere else for meetings anywhere from 1-3 days a week. And sometimes on my non working day, but if this happens I am given a day back in lieu. Occasionally travel is involved. 1-2 nights away every couple of months.

DH hates that I do not earn a higher salary. Often pointing out people he knows with less education or experience who make more than me (but in completely different industries). Nothing I can do about that!

I was diagnosed a few years ago with ADHD which had finally made me understand why I never excelled in any of my previous roles. It is also why I DO excel in my current role. I know now that I will never excel in the type of boring desk based work I did previously, no matter what the company or pay. My brain does not function the way it needs to for that type of role.

I have been putting in loads of work to be able to justify and secure a raise. Now that both children are in school I have also discussed the possibility of moving from 4 days a week to 5 days a week to bring in more income.

But..... I still don't see DH being content once I do.

The main issues are:

DH is frustrated I don't earn enough money and feels I am underpaid. This is valid, and I am negotiating a salary increase at the moment. If I continue at 4 days a week, my salary increase will not be massive, or bring me up to the higher salary range of the people he knows in different industries who are younger and have less experience. It might bring in a couple hundred £ extra a month

DH hates the fact that I need to work away from home a few days a week and travel occasionally which means all of the child care and duties sit with him. Even if I do WFH I'm usually tied up on calls during school pick up time, so he does that bit because he has the flexibility of being his own boss.

DH prefers to go to his office on a set day. He likes routine. My job is not very routine. There are also only 3 possible days he can go in. Sometimes this clashes with the days I'm out of the house.

If I move to 5 days a week I will obviously bring in more income, but this would also mean I may not be WFH for that day. In these instances, despite the increased income I know he still won't like the fact that I'm not at home to do school pick ups or prep dinner the odd time.

This afternoon I was made aware that I would need to be in the office 3 days next week. One of the days is when DH will be at his office. I let DH know this, and mentioned I may not be home in time to take one of the children to their after school activity, but I would be able to take the other once I got home. (I forgot to mention pick up for the youngest, but my plan was to put them in afterschool club).

DH did what he usually does and got angry with me, telling me how difficult I make his life and how much pressure I put him under in these situations because he's left to pick up my slack. He's always saying things like: you're killing me, you have no idea the pressure you put on me, you have no idea what I have to deal with, your job is ruining the family, no one else does as much as I do, you're never around, etc.

AIBU to think that no matter what I do, I'm never going to make him happy?

If I work 5 days I'm likely to be gone out of the house even more and that puts pressure on him and he still won't be satisfied with the extra income I bring in.

If I stick to 4 days I'm earning less and still needing to work in the office.

If I leave the company I'm with to get a new job entirely in a similar type role I know now is what I excel and do best in, it may result in a slightly higher salary, but I would almost certainly need to work 5 days, commute (longer and more expensive), travel more frequently, etc.

I feel like I can't win.

The issue here is not your job. It's your DH.

Being a full time working parent is hard work. It requires both parents to make sacrifices. And unless one or both parents has a very fixed schedule, there needs to be a lot of juggling, with give and take on both sides. You seem to be doing your part. I assume when you were a SAP you fully supported your OH career and worked around it. Now he needs to do the same for you.

I'm so many families the woman ends up being the default parent and her career is seen as an inconvenience by her other half. Don't fall for this.

@livinginthedark i can see why you might think that from a quick flip through, but it’s about the basic attitudes and the mindset that underlie abusive behavior of any kind - ie. that he is ENTITLED to rule and control you.

It is really insightful about the kinds of things that abusive men say and do to keep you on the back foot, and the ways living with them make you feel.

The relationship I was in was not physically abusive, but reading the book was like a lightbulb being turned on.

Don’t just flip, read… and then follow @Mitherations advice

It’s possible you’ll read it and think “oh no, my H never does any of those things”, but I highly doubt it, as it’s clear from your posts that he does!

Remaining in a relationship with him and engaging in his mind games - ones where he will constantly change the rules - will destroy you. Which will be him winning, as that's the only thing that matters to him, for him to win and you to lose.

You earn well in a role that suits you, where you're happy and appreciated. He doesn't like that, as it means you're not the loser. So he wants you to stop being happy, appreciated and with enough income that you aren't dependent upon him. Because that means he's the winner, he's the best, you're just a loser.

The only way for you to win, to be happy, successful and appreciated is not to be involved in a relationship where the rules are always changed to ensure that you're the loser. There's nothing you can do about your job (or any job) that'll make it good enough for him, as he'll changes the rules of the game to make you lose, perhaps you're out of the house too much, you're not earning enough, you're earning too much, you're too cocky about your abilities when 'they're really laughing at you behind your back', you're not parenting properly because 'you're off out pretending you're being the big shot businesswoman when you're nothing but....', the only way to be a proper mother is to be at home with the kids but then you're just a lazy leech with nothing interesting to say, it's only because you're stupid and cheap to hire and they despise you really, you're not exercising enough, you're not dressing right, you're eating too much/not ladylike enough, you walk wrong, your feet are wrong, you're too old, etc, etc, etc.

There will always be something wrong with what you're doing, what you look like, what you are because that's how he wins his game.

Not playing the game means getting out.

OP.

You are doing FANTASTICALLY in your life. As a fellow ADHDer, I know the utter miracle it is to find a job in which you thrive and earn enough to live on, and the painstaking years of learning and fighting it takes to get there. Be PROUD of that. Don't forget what a huge achievement that is. Well done.

I think you know that your DH is abusive. You mention DARVO, and that you have the Why Does He Do That book. I mean... there's your answer my love. I'm sorry but his "demands" and standards aren't reasonable. He isn't treating you as an equal partner, who has a life, ambitions and needs of her own that need to be balanced with his in the relationship and household. I think you know what the answer is.

You will never win. He likes using you as a whipping boy to vent whatever negative feelings he has.

Don’t engage with it, that’s what that poster meant.

Or…and this is my personal recommendation, leave the horrible shit of a man and live your own life free of his constant scorn.

He's always saying things like: you're killing me, you have no idea the pressure you put on me, you have no idea what I have to deal with, your job is ruining the family, no one else does as much as I do, you're never around, etc.

All of this would be a deal breaker for me. The poor, poor beleaguered man, what a horrendous life he has. 🙄

Fuck all of that.

I had to check I hadn't written this. Apart from the number of kids, I'm in an almost identical situation.

These men are cheeky fuckers aren't they?! Nothing is ever good enough. My partner expects me to earn a fantastic salary whilst at the same time being able to pick up DD every day and do all the life admin/house jobs.
He is a company owner and WFH and his hours are very flexible. I'm run ragged and he doesn't little. Yet he always complains I don't do enough.

I don't have much advice but solidarity.
Don't have any more kids with him and do what you can to make sure you keep your job.
It sounds like you are doing amazingly.
Fuck him.

Just as another perspective, it is emotionally exhausting being the main wage earner when there is this much disparity. I earned 4 times what my ex did and it was always at the front of my mind that if he lost his job we wouldn’t even notice, but if I did then we’d be fucked.

I worked hard in a job that I didn’t really enjoy to pay for the house he wanted and the holidays he liked. He worked in a low paid job- because that was what his industry paid. He could have found a job paying more- but chose not to because “we didn’t need the money”. It is a draining way to live. We broke up and I continued living in the house for sometime and then sold it and moved somewhere a bit more “my speed”.

I’m still in the same job- but feel so much happier, knowing my outgoings are less tight and also not seeing a “partner” who whilst really happy in their role, does not want the same for me.

I think you should work out what you want. If you are happy in your current role, DO NOT leave because the idiot you are married to doesn’t understand you! Enjoying your work is so important! If you want to add an extra and pay for the additional childcare, do that, but don’t let his decision override yours. He may earn more, but that does not give him the right to dictate your working life, you are supposed to be on the same team, but it sounds as though you not even playing the same game.
I hope you find a solution that works, even if that does not include staying with him.