I can't cope with my 5yo anymore

[Dara99]

He had always been high energy but since starting school he is something else. Huge tantrums, won't listen to anything I say, calls me stupid, tells me he never wants to see me again just because I have run him a bath and he doesn't want one. He punches me, kicks me, is vile. I'm a good mum, I have boundaries, he has good nutrition, but he's just awful to me. He has suspected adhd but as he's so young nobody will help. Everyone just says 'watch and wait' with no support at all. I just want to cry all the time and count down the minutes until he goes to school. I don't understand what had changed. It doesn't feel like a phase and I feel like he hates me. I don't know what to do.

Are You in the UK OP?

I am.

Ooft that sounds rough. Have you been told by a GP that he's too young? In a primary teacher and he isn't too young to start to assessment process. Can you afford a private Ed Psych report? What's his behaviour like at school?

Okay it’s strange you’ve been told to watch and wait.

Go into school and push back saying your son needs additional help and ask them to do a referral and go to the gp and push for a referral there as well.

this behaviour isn’t typical 5 year old behaviour and you are entitled to support.

out of curiosity who’s asked you to watch and wait?

Apparently his behaviour is good, no Aggression, huge lack of focus though. I think he just masks it very well and it all comes out at home. I have very little money.

If school suppose possible ADHD then they should be starting the referral process. The likelihood is that the waiting timescales means be probably won’t be assessed until he is seven anyway.

What have school put in place to offer further support?

The GP. He seemed really reluctant and actually said 'a lot of people think their child has adhd but actually it's just a phase'. I think there is some bias at play and maybe because I'm a lone parent he sees it as a parenting issue.

If there is something there, then he might be masking. I would arrange to have a meeting with the school. Say that you absolutely NEED their support and they have a duty of care to the children they teach. Say that you would like for him to see an educational psychologist and they need to get that ball rolling for you. I would also go back to GP and say that you know he isn't too young to undergo assessment, and that you need their support. It's cheaper to fob people off which is what they try and do, be strong, you can do this x

Nothing. I spoke to the SENCO about it. She said she would observe him. Never heard anything back.

@Dara99 push back Op and get a second opinion. It’s not right he’s said that to you and in your shoes id try and get as many people to listen to me as I could

I would deffo get a second opinion.

Most areas follow national guidance and won't accept a referral until 6 years. That said, you can definitely be asking for additional support in the meantime. You can self refer to OT in a lot of areas, and school can refer you for an early help assessment.

Honestly? A lot of 5 year old boys find starting school hard. They are shattered, basically aren't really ready, and don't like the sorts of activities involved. Loads in my DS class struggled through reception. Now half way year 2 they are much better.

The age for starting school is based really on a more stereotypical girl. At this age girls mature faster, most (not all) are ready and interested to start learning to read and write at a younger age.

Cut back on everything at home - no clubs, activities etc, especially not structured classes.

Give him time that is as unstructured as possible. Is he in after school club?

@Futb0l I also agree with this 100%!!!

I've just run him a bath and he said he hates me because he hates baths and kicked me in the face. I just walked away and now he's crying in his bed. I don't feel like I have the tools to deal with this. I'm on my own and love him so much but feel like I've just forgotten how to parent overnight. I just told him 'well I love you' and told him I'm giving him time to calm down and walked away. Punishing him or telling him off makes it worse. I feel so out of my depth.

I'm making him sound awful. He is also lovely. The first thing he says to me in the morning is 'I love you mummy'. He's kind and extremely empathetic, but just so angry sometimes.

'Be a parent and sort it' - hah! Sorry, that also made me laugh.

Honestly I am just so lost.

Put him to bed earlier. He sounds tired. Tiredness utterly ruins kids behaviour. Its also why so many kids cope all day at school then let rip at 4pm with parents, they are shattered by then. 5 yo DS was pretty ready to start school (more so than most boys - liked reading etc) and i had to have him in bed lights out by 6.30pm in reception. Concentrating, sitting still, navigating socially etc just took it out of him. By contrast, August birthday younger sister? Couple of weeks at the start where she was tired, then was absolutely fine. Loves practising her writing and is happy in classroom environment.

@Dara99 you did the right thing walking off OP to gather your thoughts it’s so so so hard I echo the previous poster on requesting an educational specialist to observe your son, the school needs to follow through with that request. Good luck I hope they give you the support you need for your little boy

He goes to bed at 7 and gets up at 7. I don't think I could get him to bed much earlier.

The NICE guidelines literally say watch and wait 🙄 "watching and waiting" is exactly what OP has started - the SENCO is aware of concerns and is monitoring. No referral will be accepted without accompanying evidence.

Thank you.

Hmmm @Ladyj84 hopefully your perfect children are neurotypical as otherwise is doesn’t sound like you have a clue.

Agree about pushing for a referral as that is not much work. If everything resolves in the years you are on the waiting list, then that’s good.

Read about parenting techniques for young kids with ADHD. Even if he doesn’t actually get that diagnosis, the techniques are likely still relevant in your situation.

Wow that sounds really tough OP. Do you have to go through the school, can a doctor not prescribe medication?

@Dara99 my 5 year old is autistic and everyone is in agreement that he very likely has ADHD as well.

One thing that he struggles with is transitions, and we find that clear warnings work really well. For bath time it's usually a case of "after this episode of X has finished, it's bath time" and he's very accepting of that. We do a lot of 5/10 minute count downs, with a reminder with each minute that passes, and that works really well too. Nothing comes as a shock.