I initially bonded with her son when he was two years old at a mutual friend's house, which led to us developing a solid friendship whereby I would babysit him often (before I had my own son 3 years ago). Over time, I started to realise that my friend has significant intellectual/learning disabilities (e.g. dyslexia) and struggles with managing her daily life. For e.g. she cannot budget and has had her phone cut-off many times in addition to being in rent and nursery fees arrears. She also forgets when it's school holidays for her son and I've had to step in as she didn't organise childcare for him and had to work (luckily I work from home). I also had to remind her to apply for schools for her youngest child for this year, I often fill in forms on her behalf, read/explain letters to her and help her clean her home (she's a borderline hoarder). I even contacted Adult Social Services on her behalf last year to see if she could get some support, but they said without a diagnosis they can't help her. She still hasn't gone to the GP to start the ball rolling on assessments either.
Last year, we went through her expenses so that she could see what she has coming in and what goes out each month. She works part-time in a hairdressers in Chelsea and her income is heavily subsidised by UC. Her children's fathers pay as little as £10-£30 per month (we tried going via Child Maintenance but it came back stating they wouldn't have to pay her anything as they're both 'unemployed'). Her youngest's father has 5 kids in total (5 different women) and is taking his eldest son to the Caribbean this summer. I kid you not.
Despite all of this, my friend doesn't bat an eyelid to book overseas holidays and buy unnecessary things. She usually takes the kids to a caravan park every summer in addition to a European holiday in April - but this year she plans to take two overseas trips instead of one, and I told her that it's not sensible to do so as she doesn't have the funds for it. She kept insisting that she'll find a way to pay for both trips (April and August) and was adamant about going, but when I reminded her that even a cheap holiday, say £300-400 per person, would amount to £1200 plus spending money, airport taxis, etc, she still refused to see sense, and I lost it.
I have spent years trying to help her get her life in order. I've spent hours on the phone with her whilst she cried/whined about one crisis after another. I've taken care of her kids free of charge on more occasions than I can count (but she's had my son a total of 2 times). I've offered practical solutions and guidance on how she can improve her situation (weight-loss, better career, healthy co-parenting strategies, budgeting, etc), but it all seems to fall on deaf ears.
We both agreed to get the kids Xmas presents last year, so I bought for her two and she didn't get anything for my son and decided not to say anything hoping I wouldn't notice. When I asked her about it, she explained that she didn't have any money left and would get him something in January. Another instance, it was my 40th birthday earlier this month and I organised a dinner for all my friends and informed everyone in early Jan about it. She messaged me the day before saying she couldn't come because she's skint (my friends all chipped in and covered the cost of her meal and drinks anyways).
As a single mother myself raising a child with suspected autism and still working a full-time career of 18 years, I no longer have the emotional bandwidth for trying to help someone who won't help themself. Yesterday's row showed me just how much her problems are starting to affect me and our friendship. I don't feel like her friend anymore... I feel more like a weary parent, social worker and therapist all rolled into one and I'm DRAINED. I don't have to do this with any of my other friends and I'm starting to feel resentful - especially as she won't follow through on any of the actions/goals we set for her annually.
Today, I called her and explained that as much as I care for her, I need to take a step back from our friendship because I don't like the way her problems are affecting me, and taking up so much of my life. She was understanding and shared that she thinks a break would be good and she would get round to doing things in her own time (but realistically, we both know she has no intention of doing so). Now I feel guilty for abandoning her when she clearly needs help, but don't want to be her rescuer for the rest of my life.
AIBU?