For taking a break from my bestie? (Long post - sorry)

[LondonLupie]

I initially bonded with her son when he was two years old at a mutual friend's house, which led to us developing a solid friendship whereby I would babysit him often (before I had my own son 3 years ago). Over time, I started to realise that my friend has significant intellectual/learning disabilities (e.g. dyslexia) and struggles with managing her daily life. For e.g. she cannot budget and has had her phone cut-off many times in addition to being in rent and nursery fees arrears. She also forgets when it's school holidays for her son and I've had to step in as she didn't organise childcare for him and had to work (luckily I work from home). I also had to remind her to apply for schools for her youngest child for this year, I often fill in forms on her behalf, read/explain letters to her and help her clean her home (she's a borderline hoarder). I even contacted Adult Social Services on her behalf last year to see if she could get some support, but they said without a diagnosis they can't help her. She still hasn't gone to the GP to start the ball rolling on assessments either.

Last year, we went through her expenses so that she could see what she has coming in and what goes out each month. She works part-time in a hairdressers in Chelsea and her income is heavily subsidised by UC. Her children's fathers pay as little as £10-£30 per month (we tried going via Child Maintenance but it came back stating they wouldn't have to pay her anything as they're both 'unemployed'). Her youngest's father has 5 kids in total (5 different women) and is taking his eldest son to the Caribbean this summer. I kid you not.

Despite all of this, my friend doesn't bat an eyelid to book overseas holidays and buy unnecessary things. She usually takes the kids to a caravan park every summer in addition to a European holiday in April - but this year she plans to take two overseas trips instead of one, and I told her that it's not sensible to do so as she doesn't have the funds for it. She kept insisting that she'll find a way to pay for both trips (April and August) and was adamant about going, but when I reminded her that even a cheap holiday, say £300-400 per person, would amount to £1200 plus spending money, airport taxis, etc, she still refused to see sense, and I lost it.

I have spent years trying to help her get her life in order. I've spent hours on the phone with her whilst she cried/whined about one crisis after another. I've taken care of her kids free of charge on more occasions than I can count (but she's had my son a total of 2 times). I've offered practical solutions and guidance on how she can improve her situation (weight-loss, better career, healthy co-parenting strategies, budgeting, etc), but it all seems to fall on deaf ears.

We both agreed to get the kids Xmas presents last year, so I bought for her two and she didn't get anything for my son and decided not to say anything hoping I wouldn't notice. When I asked her about it, she explained that she didn't have any money left and would get him something in January. Another instance, it was my 40th birthday earlier this month and I organised a dinner for all my friends and informed everyone in early Jan about it. She messaged me the day before saying she couldn't come because she's skint (my friends all chipped in and covered the cost of her meal and drinks anyways).

As a single mother myself raising a child with suspected autism and still working a full-time career of 18 years, I no longer have the emotional bandwidth for trying to help someone who won't help themself. Yesterday's row showed me just how much her problems are starting to affect me and our friendship. I don't feel like her friend anymore... I feel more like a weary parent, social worker and therapist all rolled into one and I'm DRAINED. I don't have to do this with any of my other friends and I'm starting to feel resentful - especially as she won't follow through on any of the actions/goals we set for her annually.

Today, I called her and explained that as much as I care for her, I need to take a step back from our friendship because I don't like the way her problems are affecting me, and taking up so much of my life. She was understanding and shared that she thinks a break would be good and she would get round to doing things in her own time (but realistically, we both know she has no intention of doing so). Now I feel guilty for abandoning her when she clearly needs help, but don't want to be her rescuer for the rest of my life.

AIBU?

You've clearly never had good friends in your miserable life.

I feel sorry for you. Heal.

You need to heal. This amount of venom for a stranger is unhealthy. Please seek help.

In retrospect, she hasn't been the greatest friend in terms of reciprocity, but she has been there for me over the years during some bleak times and I'll always value her for that.

If I'm honest, I think I made allowances for her because of her handicap, and my desire to be there for her and the kids when other friends / family have dropped off over the years.

I will always be there for her and the kids, but not so entwined in her life as I have been.

I have a similar friend and often have to reinforce boundaries because she just doesn't respect them. Her idea of being her friend is that your role is to keep her constantly entertained on the phone multiple times a day and I just can't keep doing it. Every time I reinforce things it gradually creeps back to being bombarded with phone calls and not being shown any consideration or respect for my time alone. Another mutual friend had 10 missed calls Sunday and it doesn't even enter her mind that this might be hounding people. I told her once again yesterday that it's too much and I can't have all the ringing and ringing all the time. She's always very apologetic but it just goes in one ear and out the other. So we are having yet another break from calls. She's in sheltered housing but has capacity and I often think if she was in a secure unit they'd confiscate her phone because they'd be getting endless complaints about it.

@LondonLupie

Hope the thread has helped you get some perspective.

My friend has ADHD and whilst the diagnosis was a blessing in many ways, it is used as an excuse as to why she can't do the sensible things I suggest to help herself. Eg eating properly, getting a better paid job. I know plenty of people with ND issues who push through life's challenges.

She also got pregnant to a guy she barely knew, and the little boy is now running her ragged. She has to own some of this stuff.

It got to the point where I was a dumping ground for any old issue - eg another friend ignoring her, feeling drained, back hurts. Text after text telling me how awful her life is. I'm naturally very attentive and caring, and then I realised just how one sided and in many cases trivial it was.

OMG, your friend sounds so similar to mine! She also had her youngest with a guy she barely knew (and was warned about by several friends who could see he was no good), and now they've split up, he's putting her through the wringer at every opportunity.

I have also been the dumping ground for her many problems and did so because that's what friends are for, right? To listen, advise, support etc. Sadly, she doesn't have the capacity to learn from her mistakes and try to do better. It's like she's given up on herself and her life. Her low self esteem (attributed to her weight gain and insecurities related to her disability) means she doesn't even try to do the things that would improve her life. Yet, complains about the same issues year after year.

I'm someone who is very much about progress and doing better than I did last year, and it breaks my heart to watch her give up on herself, and ultimately, deny her two kids the mother they deserve.

I think backing away won't help you. As much as she agrees a break will be good for both of you, as soon as she has a childcare or money disaster she'll be on the phone to you-and you won't be able to say no.

If I was you I'd block her for a few months, give yourself some headspace but more importantly, give her the space to fail and work out how to succeed on her own. You fixing everything before if becomes a disaster, isn't teaching her anything.

In your shoes, I'd be asking myself some hard questions about why you got involved in this situation in the first place. Your thread title describes her as your 'bestie', which makes very little sense in relation to the body of your post, which says you bonded with her two year old at a birthday party, started to babysit him, and only later on developed a 'friendship' with his mother, which in itself is quite strange. You can't have met the person you describe and thought 'Wow, this person is wonderful -- I want to be friends with her because she's interesting and funny and clever!' The person you describe is a mess. Your only role is advisor, babysitter, PA, therapist, and social worker.

It's obvious what she gets from the relationship. The question is, what do you get from it? Do you like the 'rescuer' or 'adult' role? Do you like being needed?

You're right to step back, but I would think very carefully and honestly about your own motivations here, and ensure it's not a pattern in your other friendships.

I'm surprised at some of the harsh replies you're getting OP- I absolutely agree with pp that you should end this friendship now, but it's clear you care about her children and you've gone way above and beyond to help and care, which makes you a lovely person. It will be very hard to step back if you're worried about the kids, but it must be done for all the reasons pp have outlined. Stay strong OP

It may make the OP a 'lovely person'. Alternatively, it may make the OP someone who needs to be needed, or who has such low self-esteem that she chooses friendships where the other person is unfortunate, unlucky, chaotic or in some other situation where the OP never needs to ask whether this person actually likes her and values her for herself, because the other person needs her for childcare/organisation/reminders/form-filling/budgeting advice etc.

My mother is like this. She doesn't have a single relationship in her life that she is in purely because she likes the other person -- she (unconsciously) chooses people who are unfortunate and have few or no other friends, because her self-esteem is poor. She will say she's going to the hospital to see someone and tell a story about them that makes them sound difficult/aggressive/slightly mad, and I will say 'But do you even like X?' and she will look at me as if it's a weird question and say 'Well, she hasn't got many other people'.

There are people who will attach themselves to someone to manage their life for them. She can get into crisis as someone will come and sort it for them.

There was a mum in DDs primary who attached themself to my friend. I think my friend kinda enjoyed it, spent lots of time managing her life, helping her pay bills, book things and driving her about.
My friend then moved away and she immediately tried the same with me. Would ring/message all day to get lifts or go shopping and refused to accept that I couldn’t because I was at work. Constantly asking me about what was happening at school, but she didn’t want to know she wanted to be told or for me to organise it all for her, for me to take her DD to everything.
Turns out she had a whole network of adults she was outsourcing all her responsibilities to, including the care of her DD. I know one who totally pushed back as their children did an activity together and she thought this woman should basically organise and pay for it all.

I don’t think she was incapable, she just didn’t want to do it.

OP, I do similar with a lady from my church.

The difference is that I do it in a role as a pastoral support worker. She has a lot of SS support and I am one of her support team..

What you are doing is not friendship. It is parenting /intervention etc.

The lady I support is lovely, and we are friends, but the role I play is more than that, and she recognises it.
But it is a very fine line. I never tell her what to do. I help her to think through her decisions, and because of SS involvement I sometimes have to remind her of the consequences of some choices.

You need to step back. Apart from anything else, your support is making her dependant on you. That is not a healthy repationship.

You are such a lovely person to have done all that you have. Way more than anybody else would. Well done for taking a step back for your own mental health. Who knows maybe without you helping her she will learn to figure things out herself and you can try your friendship out again, but this will take a long time or may not happen at all. For now just focus on you ❤️

I think it's time for a permanent break.

This friend does sound like a drain, emotionally and with your time. You find her frustrating and unappreciative

However, it's interesting how she has jumped at the chance at cooling your friendship isn't it?

I wouldn't be surprised if your friend found you domineering, overbearing, judgemental and condescending.

Overall I can see you are both better off without each other.

I was also in this situation once, I kept digging her out of holes and she kept digging herself new ones. She had young children surrounded by neglect and chaos, but never quite enough for social services to get involved. The way I looked at was that my support for her was entirely for the sake of her children. I wanted them to feel like their mum had friends and there was always a familiar face. I aimed to be a dependable figure who they could turn to for backup so they didn’t feel so alone. I think in your place I would scale back the full on support, but be a happy reassuring face for the kids.

I understand exactly how you ended up here. My 'bestie' turned out the same. It took many years for me to realise that she always needed rescuing.

When I noticed that it was us (dh & I) doing all of the rescuing in the past 9 years, it was like a light bulb moment.

I ended up having a frank discussion with her and she was shocked. I don't think our friendship can recover really, as she doesn't seem to be able to help herself, but I'm kind of stuck with her. I have a small cottage on my property that I rent to her at well below market value and we have realised that there is no way she could ever move. She cannot afford anything else and I cannot morally throw her out on the street, knowing her financial position.

It's a shame, as it was meant to be temporary and then my son was going to move in there.

Mumsnet warned me to give her notice a few years ago and I didn't listen.

Now we are landlord and tenant and nothing more.🙁

Do you meet new people and know everything about them immediately? No, of course not. Over time I came to learn about her issues by which point I was already bonded to her and her son. I don't make friends with the desire to get something out of them. She's a kind person, fun-loving and loyal - which is what kept me in the friendship for so long.

I'm not a rescuer and don't get off on trying to save people. Neither am I trying to assume an 'adult' role. I was just trying to help a friend who reached out and said she was struggling on numerous occasions over the years. I'd expect any of my close friends to help me if I asked for it. Unfortunately, she doesn't want to help herself - despite her claiming otherwise.

Please don't make assumptions about me, my friendships or my motives based on one post about one friend. You're reaching.

Don't project your issues with your mother onto me please. I am not your mother. I have a great circle of friends whom I don’t have these issues with - as explained in previous replies.

I don't think I'm 'reaching'. Surely it would have been obvious in the early months of this friendship, long before you had 'bonded' inextricably with either her or her child, that her life was absolutely chaotic, that she had some form of learning or cognitive difference, to the point where she was unable to understand or fill in forms, or to remember when her child has school holidays so she can arrange childcare?

And I have no issues whatsoever with my mother. It's just given me a lifelong close-up view of what happens when someone needs to be needed. There's nothing in your OP that suggests any actual liking for this 'bestie'. An actual 'best friend' is a relationship of equals, and doesn't elicit a feeling of being a 'weary parent'.

Yes, it became apparent after several months but bear in mind, I do have my own life, career, relationships. We weren't attached at the hip.

And why would I turn my back on someone for having intellectual disabilities? I have friends that are ND, some struggle with mental health, chronic illnesses etc, but that doesn't mean I should turn my back on them.

This particular friend tends to be secretive when she's doing things that others have advised her not to. The only reason I'd intervene is when situations became to big for her to manage alone, e.g., when she revealed that her daughter's father was emotionally/verbally abusing her. I wasn't aware of it until after their daughter was born and police were called following an incident.

I extend to others the same grace that I would like to receive in return. Nobody is perfect.

This is why you shouldn't make assumptions based on a snippet of someone's situation. You don't know the full story but are plugging gaps based on your own life experiences, which do not reflect mine.

Not the point of the thread and I appreciate it was an e.g. but dyslexia is not an intellectual disability

I think you’ve done the right thing taking a step back OP. My mothers best friend is very similar, they’ve been besties for well over 30 years but their relationship now is much more of a career/caree capacity. My mum goes to help her with benefits, represents her in tribunals, opens her post as she won’t do it otherwise etc. It’s not a friendship anymore even if it did start that way. I can see my mum backing a way a bit as things in her own life become more complicated with her own health issues, I don’t blame her it’s a one sided relationship now and takes a lot of my mums time/ money (travelling to and from etc)