Picked on at family meals

[BeepyBoo]

Really looking for some perspective and shared experiences. Am I being too sensitive here?
A couple of times a year my family (Nan, Dad, Uncle and both mine and my sister’s families) get together for a meal, and I come out feeling deflated and picked on.
Yesterday was my Nan’s surprise 80th birthday meal. For months I’ve been planning and looking forward to it. I noticed she wears pendant necklaces, so I bought her a gold pendant necklace with dried flowers inside(which I know she likes) including her favourite, daisies. I ordered it online, and the first design they sent I didn’t like (the pendant was smaller than expected and I know she liked big ones), so I sent it back for a bigger one. It wasn’t about getting a showy expensive gift, I wanted a gift that looked really special and thoughtful, to show Nan how much I thought of her, and because 80 is a big deal.

My sister bought a beautiful big, bouquet of flowers. When Nan arrived, I handed her my gift and said it was from me. I think this annoyed her, as through the meal she was quite snappy with me in general, and mentioned several times that the necklace wasn’t from me, it was from everyone (by which she meant me and my sister). My sister and I get on very well - she knew I was getting the necklace, and there is no competition between us, but I think Nan saw it as me trying to ‘out-do’ her. My sister and I are not the same person….I have my own relationship with Nan. My Mom bought a thoughtful lovely gift for her too, but Nan did not try to claim that that was a joint gift.

To keep the peace, I just agreed and said it was joint.

Nan told me that my boobs were big, and when I said they had actually shrunk over the past two years, she said ‘we don’t like show offs’ (not said nicely).

I also said I’d noticed she likes pendants, and I thought it might remind her of the grandchildren when she wears it. She replied that she didn’t need reminding of the grandchildren, because she remembers them.

The family see my sister as the poor relation as she was a single Mum for a while, and me as having done relatively well. We are not really well off though, just average. For the past two years my sister has been with a very wealthy boyfriend, but I think she will always be viewed as the underdog to me, no matter what happens. This is not my fault. I’m always kind, caring and lovely to family members. But every meal, there seems to be some kind of irritation towards me. At the last family meal they went berserk that my husband took the children off to the field to play with them, because they think he does too much of the childcare (they think he shouldn’t do any basically).

After all the planning and looking forward to this meal with Nan, I came away feeling quite upset and mad about why this always happens…..?

Sounds like bullying.

God, they sound horrible.

I think you and your sister should stick together and to hell with the rest of them.

does she have early stages of dementia? She sounds totally unreasonable

She sounds mean, if nothing else

I'd be taking a step back from here on in, protect yourself and your emotions

She has always been capable of being sharp-tongued. I don’t think so. When I visit her on her own, she will sometimes say tactless things, but is generally nice. When we are in a family meal I often feel she is irritated and spiteful towards me. My Dad is the same.

Both of them do not deal with stress very well. If they are stressed, it’s often me who gets it in the neck. I’m fed up of being singled out, and I don’t know why it’s always me.

I'm sure she loves you really, deep down. Though from what you've put it doesn't sound like she likes you. Don't try so hard for any other birthdays.

Your sister should have said something tbh. It’s a bit rude to take the credit for a gift she had nothing to do with. I wouldn’t be putting up with being spoken to the way you were OP. Honestly, if anyone had mentioned my body I’d have snapped back. You say your dad and Nan do this to you, you need to speak up and let them know it’s totally unacceptable in front of everyone else.

It all seems so strange. Why couldn't she just thank you for your gift.

I'd be pulling back if I were you.

They all sound completely toxic. You don't have to spend time with people who treat you badly just because they are related to you. I'd knock back the next invite to a family dinner and tell them why or if you feel like you have to go and they are rude or horrible to you just gather up your kids and leave.

You are the family scapegoat. And that won't change if you don't stand up for yourself. You should have told your Nan 'the flowers are from sis, the pendant is from me, but next time I won't bother if you're going to be rude. Just say thank you.'

When they comment about DH dpoing childcare just say 'it's none of your business how we manage our family'.

Stop being passive, they will never wake up and realise they were mean to you, you need to take control!

I have wondered whether there is some jealousy, which makes me feel ridiculous, because why would an 80 year old woman be jealous? She was flat chested for instance (hence the boobs comment) and always hated it, for instance…. Or, it could be that she doesn’t like how I live my life.

I have a very mild-mannered, lovely husband who is hands-on with the children, and that is totally against her beliefs about male-female roles. Her husband and my Dad were old-fashioned and did very little at home. She defends my Dad’s awful attitudes and behaviour. He was barely present when I was young and always bad tempered.

She keeps telling me I should be looking after my husband as he’s the breadwinner (we both work but he earns more than me), that I shouldn’t work and should be home to look after the children. (I went to University and got a profession, but now I have two part-time jobs to fit around the children).

My sister works full-time, but was obviously forced to as her husband left her, so no comment is made about that. Yet I get it in the neck for part-time work.

I had decided to do that, but as it was her 80th birthday meal, I felt like I couldn’t address it, in case it upset her and ruined her day. But in future I will answer back. One meal, a few years ago I did get into an argument with my Nan and Dad because of their comments, but it just gets nasty and ruins the day.

You’re BOTH breadwinners, don’t run yourself down like that just because he earns more. Breadwinner just means a person who earns money.

The more you post the more I think you should distance yourself from these people.

Family members love eachother, not seek to make you feel bad. There’s something very toxic here and it will affect you and your self confidence.

What do you mum and sister think? Do they see it?

But yeah, don’t put up with it. Say something!

No, I agree with you. My husband and I are equal in terms of contribution (regardless of amounts of money). That is just their view.

You have a choice

1. do nothing
2. Calls the family member out, yes it is just from me nan, that’s very rude nan etc
3. stop going

No, these comments were said throughout the meal, out of their earshot.
I related them to my sister, but she explains them away, as if I’m taking it the wrong way.

Oh I attached my response to the wrong one above, sorry.

I’d be tempted to tell them to shove their family meals up their arses but you are likely more diplomatic than me.

Wow those were such nasty comments. From an 80yo woman who should know better at her age! Sad that she's so ugly at this age of her life. She took a memorable and special gift and made it into such a horrible experience for herself if anything. I think she's bitter about her own life and that's why she's projecting onto you. Normally, good and genuine people would want better for their future generations but it sounds like her bitterness is too far gone. I would not bother ever in future. I think you gave her such a lovely, precious gift op.

This with bells on.

Your nan sounds horrible. I wish you had the confidence to call her out in front of everyone, OP. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.
I would make zero effort in future.

Sounds like she is jealous. She was lumbered with a useless husband and had to take on all the housework and childcare on her own while he probably grumbled that his dinner wasn't warm enough. And here you are with your lovely husband who plays an active role in his kids lives and lets you be more than just a wife and a mum. How unfair. She probably just resents that you have a nicer life than she did but rather than admit that she makes out that you're doing it all wrong.

That is such a shame. I think sometimes even if people are quite nice, when they are together there is a dynamic that happens that makes them bullies. And in that case, they often look for a target for bullying. Given the way your nan talks to you, I might not go to anymore family events and would be tell her why.

Nan told me that my boobs were big, and when I said they had actually shrunk over the past two years, she said ‘we don’t like show offs’ (not said nicely).

At this point, you should have asked exactly what she wanted you to do about your boobs? Cut them off perhaps? Or just tell her to stick the pendant up her bitchy arse and walk out.

Really, I'd just cut her out. Being old isn't a licence to be an absolute cunt!