I get anxious socially and people think I’m a weirdo

[NewNeighbourhood]

I get really socially anxious. My child started school and I can already see the effects of my behaviour on his social circle. He never gets invited to anything individually, just whole class things. I know his 2 close friends have play dates often but he’s never included. When I try to arrange anything it’s met with an awkward “yeah let’s do that” but when I approach with dates they never seem to want to commit so I leave it.

I say silly things, like yesterday one of his close friends parents were at a class party and I absent mindlessly said to the mum “oh is this your husband?”, I’ve never seen her husband before as she does the school runs alone. It got awkward. They avoided me rest of the day, I’m so stupid all I needed to have said was “Hi, I’m X’s mum, so nice to meet you”.

I feel very lonely and I can see my eldest is also getting left out because of me. I can feel people dislike me. I did have a traumatic childhood which I think has messed me up.

To make matters worse I added to a different parent “I get no sleep cause of my youngest waking up every hour (slight exaggeration) so I’m caffeine high most of the time, no idea what I say half the time”

You were just trying to make conversation/make a connection.

Everyone is weird/unique so don't beat yourself up.

Please don't worry those all sounds perfectly normal things to say.
I am actually a bit weird (bipolar and ADHD) and I say total rubbish all the time. I used to really care what people thought but now don't give a toss.

After stopping caring what people thought of me (no one is actually that interested people are predominantly self absorbed) I started to make friends.

I joined a netball team, choir, the PTA and eventually made friends. Not everyone likes me, that's fine (I don't like everyone).

I like me and now so do my friends (it took a while but I found some). My kids and DH love me too.

Working out I was Neurodiverse has been great as I finally realised what I was like. I now am proud to be a bit weird and as I get older I give less and less of a shite what people think.

Own your uniqueness, none of things you said were bad!

I don't think either of those comments were particularly weird. Some people just aren't friendly and like their little cliquey groups. I'm quite socially awkward and never fitted in with the mum groups at school but I did eventually meet someone at the school gates who is still one of my closest friends 15 years later, we just started passing the time of day when we were waiting. Don't try and force things.

Those examples you’ve are totally fine?? Perhaps they “avoided” you for a different reason - like, they weren’t up for making small talk because they’d had a stressful morning, or they preferred to talk to other people they knew better - like, they weren’t avoiding you

apart from some posters on MN who bang on about how they hate other school mums and never talk to anyone in the school run, I rarely encounter properly judgmental people who would write you off for saying something boring, unusual or awkward.

Ack, my user name is not apt here! Nothing you've said makes me raise my eyebrows. You might be socially awkward but that's not relevant here I don't think. Give it time and you and your kid will find your way.

Thank you everyone. I’m so desperate to make a connection with someone. I feel life is passing me by. I don’t want my kids missing out because their mum is weird. I really want to make connections with people and feel part of a group.

The things you said sound fine to me. Please don’t beat yourself up. Sometimes people are not welcoming or friendly as they have their own things going on and are comfortable in their own friendships and feel like they don’t have time to make more.

sorry to hear how you feel though. As a socially awkward person myself I can relate. I have used counselling and books (like ‘quiet’ by Susan cain, about introverts) to understand and accept myself better. I still have trouble making friends and can feel lonely but I don’t struggle so much with negative thoughts about myself. As PP said, we are all unique.

perhaps reach out to other mums instead for social things for your son?

If it makes you feel better I love ‘weirdos’ people who blurt out stuff are my favourite kind. much more interesting than questions about reading levels and maths sets!

I don't think what you said was weird either. If someone said to me is that your husband and it wasn't, I would just laugh and say oh no that's my brother/cousin,friend's husband etc. if they didn't reply to you and just looked awkward that says more about them really.

Thank you. It was her husband. It was clearly her husband as he was holding hands with the little boy who I know is my DS’s friend! So awkward!

Nothing wrong with asking if it's her husband. You don't sound weird to me.

I think what you said was pretty standard small talk. You think very badly of yourself though. Try and join some clubs to meet new people, you sound like a nice and interesting person!

I think you're making it into a bigger thing. It's all whole class parties in KS1 in my experience, especially Reception. DS is in year one and has a little friendship group but we never do small group stuff outside of school. Try to avoid a narrative of being socially awkward as it will just make you feel worse.

Also agree with other people saying nothing you said was weird. All standard small talk. People have their own stuff going on in their heads - it isn't a reaction to you. I think you need to stop telling yourself you're weird and your son is missing out - this is a narrative you've invented and it isn't doing either of you any favours.

Thank you to the posters who are saying this is my narrative. It makes sense. Also I was under the impression most people would be doing something after school
as I see them hugging each other hello and goodbye etc, and having long chats once dropping kids off. I’ve tried to join in but it’s difficult.

Reading your post, I relate to both you and the woman at the party! When I make the effort to chat to people, I think I sound like a weirdo. When people try and talk to me, I never know how to respond, get weird then try and avoid them (and look really rude in the process).

You are 100% overthinking this. What you have said is totally normal.

I'm also like this, and I have said some really awkward and weird things because I get so nervous. I've got to a stage where I can laugh about it to myself later. We're not all amazing in social situations and I think it's good that we don't all say the same boring stuff to each other.

I'm sure your Son won't be getting left out because of you.

No useful advice but you're not alone!!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of the things you said, OP. You are overthinking and over-harshly analysing everything you say afterwards because you are socially anxious.

Haha try having autism then you will see what comes out totally by accident and when I don't want it to 😂

I have 5 children and everything you’ve said has been said to me by people many many times. It’s totally normal and nothing embarrassing. You’re lonely and you want to make friends and that happens to all of us sometimes. Keep going you will find your people.

You don’t sound like a wierdo at all OP, the things you’ve said are actually perfectly fine - but you are used to monitoring and criticising yourself and as you say this is a pattern you learnt very early in childhood. These patterns can be unpicked and addressed in psychotherapy and you can learn to be much more comfortable with yourself - please find a way of finding someone to counsel you, these things want digging out if they’re making you feel awkward and self conscious. I wouldn’t be too quick to blame your behaviour for your child’s lack of play dates, these things take time, but be kinder to yourself in the meantime.

I think the couple were the socially awkward ones, not you, OP. Your comment was absolutely fine. The other mum should have responded by introducing you to him and explaining whose mum you were. Then the three of you could have chatted about school, your kids, etc.

You're making the mistake of jumping to conclusions and believing your thoughts are true. In this instance, you are mind-reading - so you are convinced that you know that the other couple thought you were weird. This is just a thought - it's not necessarily true.

Google 'cbt negative thoughts' and you'll find other examples, e.g.

www.verywellmind.com/ten-cognitive-distortions-identified-in-cbt-22412

What made a difference for me was CBT and a low dose of Citalopram. I was able to discard the negative stuff more easily and focus on the positive.

OP just to add to the other posters, what you said was perfectly normal and fine, it sounds like those people have no sense of humor. If you had said them to me I would have had a laugh out of it.

You are too critical of yourself and over thinking. I found it difficult to make friends the school gate and made friends through my DC's hobbies instead. For example some hobbies parents had to stay on site so we would bring a coffee and chat or go for a walk around the pitch. Could you enroll DS in a hobby which would widen the circle of children he is exposed to and give you more opportunity to make a friend?

Hello, I really don't think you are being weird, the problem is that a lot of people hate talking to strangers. I have a job that requires me to strike up chats with strangers, so I'm quite confident doing it, and I always chat to strangers at parties etc. Some people don't like it and act weird. Other people do like it.

The best skill to have I think is to be able to smooth things over if someone does make a small error. So eg someone says is this your husband, when it isn't. You say no it isn't but don't worry people are always saying that because we are neighbours and we often walk to school together. Conversation then continues naturally. A good conversationalist will always step in and save other people in embarrassing situations.