I get anxious socially and people think I’m a weirdo

[NewNeighbourhood]

I get really socially anxious. My child started school and I can already see the effects of my behaviour on his social circle. He never gets invited to anything individually, just whole class things. I know his 2 close friends have play dates often but he’s never included. When I try to arrange anything it’s met with an awkward “yeah let’s do that” but when I approach with dates they never seem to want to commit so I leave it.

I say silly things, like yesterday one of his close friends parents were at a class party and I absent mindlessly said to the mum “oh is this your husband?”, I’ve never seen her husband before as she does the school runs alone. It got awkward. They avoided me rest of the day, I’m so stupid all I needed to have said was “Hi, I’m X’s mum, so nice to meet you”.

I feel very lonely and I can see my eldest is also getting left out because of me. I can feel people dislike me. I did have a traumatic childhood which I think has messed me up.

I think it's more likely to be them than you.

I'm autistic and quite quirky, and so is DS (awaiting formal assessment). 2 years ago we switched schools from the laid back, hippy school he used to go to to the village primary on our doorstep.

Since then, both of us have been pretty much shunned. It's hard to remember the days when I would spend half an hour in conversation with other parents after school drop off, and every child in the class came to DS's birthday party.

But I'm really glad that we have that memory, so that I know for sure that it's not us, it's them. Luckily for me I have lots of friends from outside school, but I feel for DS. He's enjoying school academically and there's good SEN support, and as far as I can tell plays happily with other kids at breaktimes, but out of school playdates are pretty few and far between.

I say silly things, like yesterday one of his close friends parents were at a class party and I absent mindlessly said to the mum “oh is this your husband?”

That just sounds pretty normal to me.

I find that people who judge themselves as ‘socially awkward’ assume that everyone else has excellent social skills and no problems in interacting with other people, whereas chances are that a good few of the other mums are also introverts or struggle with talking to new people.
Maybe the mum you asked about her husband is now beating herself up about how she responded? Maybe the two mums who always have play dates together find it hard to make other friends but have known each other for years?

You need to book in some play dates.

Send this message:
Hi. Dc would love x to come round after school for a play date. Is x free next Wednesday 21st or Thursday 22nd?

If they say yes then follow up a day before the playdate to confirm.
If they don't come back to you then move onto someone else.

Oh op, I’m totally socially awkward as well. Definitely undiagnosed adhd and have ASD traits as well. However there is some research to suggest that a traumatic childhood can cause autistic traits, which I also had. When you’re not modelled typical social interactions, it can make you feel like an outsider for life, give you anxiety about every conversation/interaction you have because you were raised in an environment of fear/constantly told you were a bad or worthless person and everything you do is ‘wrong’. I gently suggest looking into counselling to start with, gain an understanding of yourself. Personally I’m now at the age where I honestly don’t care I’m a bit of an oddball! I worry about my children, but they have been diagnosed with autism and friendships will always be difficult for them (at least in childhood), but I don’t project my own history on to them, they’ll find their own way with support.

@NewNeighbourhood the example you give about what you said and what you think you could've said is a classic example of what people with social anxiety do. You ask questions of others rather than state things about yourself. People just aren't used to it in this country, I've noticed. Acquaintances I have who have come from other countries react quite normally when asked questions. Here, I think there are an awful lot of people who get bothered when a stranger asks them questions. I recently tried to stop someone in the street when I was lost in Bristol and was blanked by several people until some young man did actually stop and give me directions.
Don't change yourself, you sound great.

Making new friends takes a long time. You need to be patient and you need to accept that you need to try quite a few people before you find people you get on with.

I've moved areas a few times and I know it's not something that happens quickly.

Being weird isn't weird, it's actually pretty normal 😅. Also don't dismiss people as potential friends just because they seem more mainstream.

You have to put yourself out there a bit.

Can you make play dates at yours more attractive to your son's friends or to their Mums? Short play dates often work well.

What about joining a book club?

You didn’t say anything weird OP, I’m not into the whole socialising thing with other parents. Your children will make friends and the events will happen naturally. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be a certain way. I often blurt out stuff and think why did I say that but I’m an over thinker/worrier. The fact it was her husband and she seemed to ignore you is weird to me 😂

I also don't think you said anything weird. I find making friends is a game of numbers...the more people you chat to and the more you get involved with things, the more chance you have of finding people you click with. Just keep trying, volunteer, sign up for things and keep making an effort to talk to people. You'll get there.

I don't think anything you said was weird. I'd find the coffee comment funny and self-deprecating which is exactly the sort of person I'm drawn to.

Thank you so much everyone! Yes I didn’t think about the fact that she could have easily just said “yes this is my husband” and introduced us. I think she may not like me as I always say hello to her she doesn’t ever approach me. I’m going to have a higher self esteem from now on and not go up to people who make me uncomfortable.

thinking back at my eldest lots of people made “embarrassing” remarks and I made them feel comfortable rather than be like this woman and her husband made me feel one example - DS was 2 years old and I hadn’t lost the baby weight (still haven’t 😂) and one woman came up to me and said “awww baby number 3 hey” and I said “no it’s just fat, I’m not pregnant” and we laughed. I could easily have made her feel like crap like this woman and her husband made me feel but we laughed it. Not the first time I was congratulated when not pregnant!

i’m actually feeling a little annoyed how crap they made me feel.

Sometimes I avoid the other mums who are trying to talk to me because I feel too socially awkward to try and make small talk 😆

the poor mums are probably doing their best at faking it til they make it to make friends for their kids/play dates and there’s me literally trying to hide from them cus i hate making small talk, I don’t know what to say & I find it so hard if I’m not in the mood (especially if I’m tired/ill/stressed and feel at capacity. Which is all the time 😆)

Hi OP. You sound lovely, I like people like you who are a bit different.

For what it's worth, I'm also socially awkward, can never get my words out and stammer or say the weird things to make conversation. I kick myself after. But you needn't worry ..what you said was fine! Sometimes people are hard to get to know or have their own friends. You will find people you click with.
When DD started school I tried to make friends with the 'clique-yer cool mums' then I realised for me it would never happen. So now I just relax and say hello to people. That is a good starting point.
You don't have to be everyone's mate though. Keep being you, be friendly of you like but don't feel you have to change for others. Your son will be fine too x