To Think Dad Is Over-Reacting And Behaving Like A Tinpot Dictator (without being disrespecful to Tinpot Dictators)

[Charliesunnysky10]

My dad who's 79 and lives alone since my mum died 25 years ago, told me early last week he had a catheter change on Friday. I completely forgot and only remembered to ask how it went on Saturday morning. We gererally message by Watsapp so I apologised and asked if it went ok. He read it but didn't reply. I messaged later to say I hope it went ok. Read but no reply. I make Sunday dinner at my house every week for him and messaged him again Sunday morning to ask if he can make it later that day. You've guessed it...read but no reply.
I needed to know by early afternoon so I can make a start, so I messaged again, saying I'll call and he finally replied 'Dont bother' I explained I work full time, with 2 kids, lots going on - I had a mammogram Friday and it wasnt the most enjoyable experience, and as I'm walking back to work find my 16 yr old is having problems with her prescription so we had to go chasing round to a pharmacy straight after school who could issue it that evening. Basically a bit of a hectic day. I mention this because my Dad is a bit isolated through his age and his circumstaces. He's a solitary person and I'm his only family. Me and DH do a lot for him as he's very dear to us, not least as he's the only parent left between us and we do all we can to help him. But he's quite moody sometimes and with nobody to bounce off, he ruminates, and that's probably what's happened here. He doesnt see how busy we are, he only sees the world from his own perspective. He doesnt do much during the day because his anxiety keeps him at home (he won't consider any treatment for this, medication/counselling/mindfulness...I've tried). I'd move on and forget about it, but part of me is annoyed that I'm being punished for forgetting. I'm doing my best to try and help everyone, not sat on a beach in Bali sipping Cristal. AIBU to think he's out of order?

Yanbu.

God this is familiar. YANBU

Are you my sister? This is my Dad to a T! I don't think there is anything you can do, he'll forget he is narked in a couple of days.

YANBU.

Did he ask how your mammogram went? I'd bet my arse, the answer is no.

Let him sulk. He'll be even more bitter and lonely without you to do his shit for him.

“Hi dad, just letting you know how much we all love you. Now stop sulking and come round for a brew. Love DD xxx”

YANBU
Sounds like an aunt of mine. She doesn't live near us and gets the hump when we forget things.
She really pissed my mum off a while back when my aunt was ill and demanding my mum drop everything and go and help her (which she did). My aunt said "You've got to look after me, I'm all the family you have left!"
Yeah, apart from me, my siblings and all the grandkids. My aunt is child free by choice and has always looked down on us a bit.

I take it he asked after your mammogram, ignore him for a few days. If you’re the only one he’s got he can’t afford to play the wounded soldier for long. I doubt you’ll have an apology

This 👌

Bloody hell! You asked the day after? It's not like you left it a week. Ignore him. Let him cut his nose off to spite his face. I'm sure he'll come round after a sulk.
As others have said, did ask about your mammogram? Does he get in touch generally or is always you doing the first message/call?
I'm sure if there was a problem with the catheter change he would have let you know.

Leave him to it. He's allowed to feel grumpy and as you say ruminates and has convinced himself you don't care about him, despite evidence to the contrary.

I would just carry on as normal - you know that you have done nothing wrong so you have to hold that line for yourself and your family.

Your needs and feelings are equally important to his, as are those of your family - he will not always be your top priority.

Thank you, all.

To be fair I'd never mention any appointments I have to him - his anxiety would go off the scale. You'd see him panic from other galaxies about me having a mamogram. Plus hes a big believer in not looking for trouble. He'd put mammograms, smear tests etc in that bracket. That's the kind of logic we're up against.

You sound lovely and I imagine that after spending some time with you again he’ll cheer up and stop ruminating. Is there any sort of club eg cards you could convince him to join?

No of course YANBU. You haven't done anything wrong at all and he's lucky to have you.

But I volunteer with elderly people and feel it is often a very lonely, isolated experience even with loving family. Many feel as if they are a burden and take things like this as confirmation that 'nobody cares.' They remember a time when they were vital and important, and the change in circumstances is sad. I spoke to a lady this week who said that she is exhausted with having to do things for herself, and panics when things go wrong because solving it seems so difficult, and she would pay money to have someone say 'don't think about that again, I'll take care of it.' She said her husband made her feel taken care of, and before that her parents. It made me cry.

So I suppose all of that is just to say that you are not wrong, but your lovely dad is feeling something and going through something, and maybe just needs a bit of time to come round.

This!

My dad used to be like this and he could hold a grudge/sulk as an Olympic sport. He's always struggled with depression and anxiety but wouldn't go to the doctors. After my mum died and he hit rock bottom, he agreed to see his GP. He's on anti deps now and is totally transformed to the point he's now got a girlfriend. I've got a friend whose widowed mum was the same and again medication for anxiety massively helped her ability to cope. No more sulks and massive lows or ruminating for days over a minor thing.

Although you know he'll likely refuse, keep gently chipping away at the idea. It could make a massive difference to him. In the meantime, just keep it light and say (as PP suggested) 'we love you dad and miss you...now get round here for your dinner!' 😊

@bedsidetablewithtoast You know I am going to start chipping away again a little regarding the anti d's. I made a really good case for them but he was like 'No no no no' and I just felt like I was bullying him into doing something he didn't want to do and that's not okay.

He was on them about 20 years ago when he was a teacher and I think they were like Valium and made him feel incapacitated and he doesn't realize that they've moved on so much and they don't make you feel zombified or weird.

My son was on Sertraline for about 4 months when he was going through a difficult break-up and it made such a difference. He said once it made him not dread waking up and able to cope day-to-day and then week to week and he felt able to come off of them - it got him through a nasty period.

My boss's husband will be on them for the rest of his life but that's okay because he functions well, and feels more in charge of his life, not less. I'm not saying they are the answer for everyone - I think complimentary therapies like counselling and meditation are so effective and they shouldn't be dished out like Smarties. But he won't do those things or access those services, so they are ideal for him because I think they'd just take the edge off his anxiety and give him feel more balance and perspective.

@lemonmeringueno3 Thank you. That resonates deeply with me. What you describe with your lady is exactly how he seems to feel. My DH & DS also help with lots of things around his house, tech stuff, and paperwork, but even signing a form he'll worry it won't look like his signature, or he'll write the date instead or it'll be outside the box. It's like all those small insecurities and OCD tendencies he had all through his life have magnified 1000x along with fear of just about everything, overwhelming negativity, and a tendency to blow things out of proportion.

Often just saying 'Dad, nothings going to come of this, don't worry about it, it will sort itself out' and he'll be like 'Oh thanks, I just needed to hear that.

I'm reading a book about teenagers right now as my 16 year old has morphed into the antichrist since she's gone on the pill - I think changes in the brain are apparent as we get older as well as our teenage selves.

I have to remind a elderly neighbour, who I help from time to time, how busy his DD is. I'd phone and I'd make it clear that him not answering is a extra worry for you. How would you know he hasn't had a fall/medical emergency etc?

@Snowypeak He does go to the gym, he's not really a social person which is a shame because you're right, It would help.

@willingtolearn So true. I just feel really sorry for him, and I know that's almost enabling the behaviour we're talking about.

@inappropriateraspberry He does get in touch (quite a bit, though its usually to ask if we can help/advise/fix) though he does show interest in his grandchildren so it's not all one way traffic. He had been building this routine appointment up like it was lifesaving brain surgery all week, so I knew about it - I just forgot with everything going on. As you say, I asked 24 hrs later, not a week, though.

Yabu only if he had been having a kidney transplant...
Having a tube manhandled in his penis is surely not your business???

@Ponoka7 That's a really good point, thank you. I also think it re-inforces that we do care too.

There’s a difference between isolation and loneliness, and being solitary, and both can exist at the same time, but is he solitary because he’s driven everybody away with his behavior?

This sounds so familiar, you’ve just described my father in law! Widowed and extremely sulky. It sounds like there’s still a lot of love there between you two though, whereas DH only maintains a relationship with his dad out of a sense of duty to his deceased mum. We are FIL’s only family as he has fallen out with absolutely everybody else, and it’s a chore to visit him. Again I believe antidepressants would have helped him. Hope your dad becomes more receptive to the idea.

If you have tried and he won't get treatment for his anxiety then if I were you I would try to take a step back.

I also do not tell my mother any of the health or other issues in my life because she would be so so anxious.

He is being unreasonable. You know he is. And it's not really an age thing - lots of elderly people are not anxious and get out there and socialise and make friends.

Accept that he will sulk. Think about what you are prepared to do and stick to that.

@ChihuahuasREvil I think it's more his solitariness isn't conducive to widening his support network. However, he did have a girlfriend for 10 years after mum died but with his health worries/anxiety, she now keeps him at arms length (can't blame her for that), and they just chat on the phone. All his male friends have passed away in the last 5 years (that has really ramped up his fretfulness), and there just 1 or 2 female teachers he worked with that he still gets calls from. My parents didn't socialise much and I'm becoming really aware that I don't seek out company as much as I should - I'm just so busy working & looking after my family that I don't have time, but I know people in the same position as me that MAKE time and I need to do that more. I plan stuff in then think 'Oh I've got so much to do, I need to get on with it, and don't join in'.