To Think Dad Is Over-Reacting And Behaving Like A Tinpot Dictator (without being disrespecful to Tinpot Dictators)

[Charliesunnysky10]

My dad who's 79 and lives alone since my mum died 25 years ago, told me early last week he had a catheter change on Friday. I completely forgot and only remembered to ask how it went on Saturday morning. We gererally message by Watsapp so I apologised and asked if it went ok. He read it but didn't reply. I messaged later to say I hope it went ok. Read but no reply. I make Sunday dinner at my house every week for him and messaged him again Sunday morning to ask if he can make it later that day. You've guessed it...read but no reply.
I needed to know by early afternoon so I can make a start, so I messaged again, saying I'll call and he finally replied 'Dont bother' I explained I work full time, with 2 kids, lots going on - I had a mammogram Friday and it wasnt the most enjoyable experience, and as I'm walking back to work find my 16 yr old is having problems with her prescription so we had to go chasing round to a pharmacy straight after school who could issue it that evening. Basically a bit of a hectic day. I mention this because my Dad is a bit isolated through his age and his circumstaces. He's a solitary person and I'm his only family. Me and DH do a lot for him as he's very dear to us, not least as he's the only parent left between us and we do all we can to help him. But he's quite moody sometimes and with nobody to bounce off, he ruminates, and that's probably what's happened here. He doesnt see how busy we are, he only sees the world from his own perspective. He doesnt do much during the day because his anxiety keeps him at home (he won't consider any treatment for this, medication/counselling/mindfulness...I've tried). I'd move on and forget about it, but part of me is annoyed that I'm being punished for forgetting. I'm doing my best to try and help everyone, not sat on a beach in Bali sipping Cristal. AIBU to think he's out of order?

@UtredSonOfUtred It's so frustrating that we can see where it would help but by the time they'd benefit, they're view is too polarised to consider it. Thank you for your kind wishes, i hope things are manageable with FIL.

@Octavia64 I know you're right but I find cutting him off more damaging to me. I know him very well and most of his behaviours stem from things he can't/couldn't control. He lost his daughter age 6 and wife at 50. I lost my mum and sister too of course, but I'm naturally more resilient and resourceful. It's painful, but I made space round it to move forward eventually. He doesn't have the capacity for this.

He said the catheter change went well, but it was the anxiety before the appointment that was awful. I’ve told him that I’m happy to give support/reassurance whenever he needs it but he must tell me/remind me – I’ve got too much going on with work, children etc to be able to forecast when he needs me and I can’t read minds. I told him about my Friday to give context to why I’d not checked up on him.

He just message back ‘ok’

I think the pre appointment anxiety could have been reduced if he was on a low dose of an SSRI, and I’ll mention that because I honestly feel he’s getting worse – it’s like paranoia, when he convinces himself nobody cares.

Could he be encouraged to help others? Say volunteering? So it’s not charity etc towards him - but his knowledge and support assisting others.

my pops is in his 80s and reads for the blind on a Wednesday (reads women’s weekly etc into a recording studio and the tapes are shared out). Is a school governor as he has an interest in education. Volunteers with a political party at local level. Does a bit of walking with other gents.

Other things possibly available - Indoor bowling, man shed project..

@TheCatterall Your Pops is amazing! I will ask about the volunteering - thank you for the suggestion.

YANBU, but honestly at his age and with his level of isolation, his world has shrunk massively and he is, I’m sure, incredibly anxious about it. He’s going to become increasingly self-centred and oblivious to what’s going on in your life. It all sounds very familiar. It’s really hard, but cut him some slack if you can, because I think it’s all probably driven by fear of his decline.

You're not being unreasonable, but I dunno, when you love someone, sometimes you let things slide. 25 years is a long time to be alone even with a wonderful family around you. And we often feel most hurt, and lash out at the people we love the most. If this is isolated, I'd try to let go ...

@maudelovesharold You’re so right. He never got Covid, but was 10 years older after the Pandemic. His op was cancelled and the catheter (that should have been for 2 weeks) is here to stay because when the op finally came around 3 years later, it was too late. And the pre op found heart problems, which caused him further stress and worry.

I’m really patient with him, but it frustrates me that he can’t get round his previous experience with anti-D’s and just give them a try for 2 months. He thinks he’ll be hooked and zombie-fied. And is too embarrassed to ask. The result is that he’s often difficult to be around and there’s nothing we can do about it.

Can he get a prescription for something to calm him down on the day of the procedure - I am given something (of the valium type) if I have to have a MRI because they freak me out, and I used to have something similar on the mornings I was having cancer treatment I could it in chemo chair, very chilled out reading my book. Just a single tablet to take on the day (although obv. he'd need someone to drive him to the hospital and back)

I also take anti depressants and they don't make me feel zombified at all, they enable me to live life to the full, he might well find that a very low dose would make all the difference. Or if he is very anti meds he could some strategies to help with over thinking (he sound like an over thinker - takes one to know one !!) and there are load of self help things he could try, relaxation, mindfulness etc. And he can access them via online courses or even youtube, if he's not keen on going to groups or therapy etc.

My mum (widowed, 68yo) has many, many wonderful virtues. But crikey, when she gets a sulk on, it's impressive!
I either: a) ignore her.
b) say something along the lines of "Jesus Christ, mother. Grow up."

Both work equally well.

Another one who knows something exactly like that. And they sit and ruminate, as you say, and all those bad feelings come up but actually they don't reach out to anyone else and ask how they are - they just want their own pain to be acknowledged. It's one thing if something terrible has happened - you couldn't be expected to remember anything else at all - but the fact is you're having your own problems and he's just thinking about himself.

I really think he needs to go back to the doctor.

As for your daughter, it wouldn't do any harm if you said, "Now listen, I'm getting it in all directions at the moment and I am at breaking point. Don't treat me like your enemy when I'm not. If you're feeling down, just tell me and we'll do something nice together or just go for a walk and have a chat, but don't treat me as though I don't care as I just can't cope with that on top of everything else."

So there's no chance of him doing something like U3A?

Even by Zoom?

@AmyDudley Thank you. Its great to see how enabling modern medicine is. I sent him a message this morning about the pre appointment calming meds. You put it so well, I used a lot of your gentle positive language.

He said drugs won't stop him having to go to A&E if the nurse can't insert the catheter, and it'd be a long wait, and he can't be out for more than 3 hours because the water pipes under his house keep leaking and he has to monitor it, or it could be mean an operation, and then in hospital he might get an infection, and then.....(more anxiety).

I'm trying to explain that being relaxed will make the catheter change easier for him and the nurse to perform successfully but he's still stuck in the past when heavy-duty tricyclic drugs were used to shut people up. He can't even use the excuse that SSRI's would be a sticking plaster to mask the anxiety, because he's doing nothing at the movement to tackle it, despite being encouraged to put a relaxation audio on Alexa, or watch it on YouTube, and we've offered to put a mindfulness app on his phone. It's like he enjoys the attention he gets from being helpless, stressed and anxious.

And if it didn't impact on me and my family, I'd be tempted to leave him to it, rather than keep offering solutions. But I invited him over to tea last night (deferred Sunday dinner from the weekend because he didn't answer my messages as he was sulking over not being asked how the appointment went).

I went in work early so I could leave at 4 and have it all on the table for 6, and my son was late home from work (couldn't be helped), and my dad was like 'usual chaotic house' because he's used to not having to be flexible.

I apologised and told him I'd had a full day at work, used my lunchbreak to shop for this dinner, rushed home and spent 90 mins putting a full Sunday roast together and he deflected it towards my husband (who does loads for him), asking why he couldn't help, and I said he's been in bed since he finished his nightshift and only just got in from collecting my daughter from her hockey game at school.

I don't want his his sense of entitlement and rudeness impacting on my family. His negativity is bad enough.

@zingally I love that! I feel like I'd have to pick my moment because he's so sensitive to his own feelings, he might never speak to me again, and that would compound the issue.

During lockdown his gym wasn't open (he visits every day), so I'd cycle to his house every evening and sit on his bench and talk to him through an open window. I also spoke to him through the day as I was WFH and he'd learnt to Zoom. I've honestly never seen him so full of life and positive. The regular contact though the day really helped him, and he was a joy to be around. An upward cycle you could say.

But my life is busier than ever now with meetings, work (I had a second job evenings and weekends to pay off debts up till last month), the kids etc. I can't sustain that. And we are currently in such a downward spiral because he feels neglected and is sulky, I don't want to be around him because he brings me down.

@MILTOBE You are spot in and I know this self-centredness can be part of an age thing, though not every older person is self-centred of course). He is a somewhat spoilt only child, and has always been anxious, antisocial and moody throughout every stage of his life, so it's no surprise he's like this now. Since my sister died, I've been an only child too, and I can see similarities in our personalities, which I'm keen to replace with more positive ones.

That's a really good suggestion re daughter - thank you. And he SO needs to see the GP. He's very very difficult to persuade to see the doctor because he prefers to bury his head in the sand and just worry himself to death at home.

@Nanny0gg I just Googled U3A and wow! what a great thing. I'll definitely pitch this to him. I'm drip-feeding him ideas at the moment - I think he will be more receptive if I don't overload him all at at once.

It's a great suggestion. And I think it's important to get into the habit of interests and social groups early as possible. I'm 51 and joined an Over 50's group last month because I wanted to go to museums and on walking tours with people that enjoy them like I do.

Just to clarify, my sister died from CF when I was 4 and she was 6, in 1977. A really, really awful time for my family; my parents could never properly move on from the grief and it affected all our lives thereafter. I give him (and probably other people) far too much understanding and allowances because of that. It's nice to be kind and patient but the work I did on myself, I realised I'm actually enabling unhelpful behaviours.