Work feels awful, I’m drowning

[JustNowWhat]

Hi everyone, reaching out for help. I’m also concerned I’m being precious and complaining about nothing, so any guidance on if IABU would be really helpful.

I have a job which is known for high workload and poor work life balance. It’s a small team and there is uneven distribution of work (others are working normal hours). I’m having to work dawn to dusk to keep up, including weekends. I recently had holiday and worked full time hours because emergency stuff came up and there’s no one who can cover. Despite trying hard, I’m falling increasingly behind because it’s not possible to do it all. I’m stressed, tearful and anxious to the point that I feel physically ill, none of which is like me. I’ve also lost touch with almost all my friends.

What I’ve tried so far:

• Showing my manager it’s too much and asking for things to be reallocated. Told it’ll happen “later”. That was six months ago. Following up has been ignored.
• When being given an additional big job to do, asking for it to at least be split with someone else. I was promised that would happen then that was withdrawn. Eventually got agreement for a 90/10 split (!), and even that hasn’t been put in place yet (job needs to be done this month). If the 10% isn’t done, that creates more work for me, so it’s not something I can just ignore and say “well you said X would do it” because I’m the only one who’ll suffer.
• Talking to the manager above my manager about my workload. They refused to do anything and encouraged me to find another job. I guess important context is that despite all the above, I’m doing well on my KPIs so far and get on with everyone so it’s not like they’re trying to manage me out because I’m rubbish or awful (I hope). I’ve even had some “employee of the month” type stuff from further up the tree, which is lovely but I’d rather have a day off!
• Asking for flexible hours so I can take one day per week properly off. There’s no reason this wouldn’t work operationally or would affect my work. Manager refused to even put in the request, and said I shouldn’t ask HR because they’ll say no. (Again context so I don’t sound like I’m problematic: I didn’t mention HR, they did, and I’ve never gone to HR about anything.)
• Asking to claim back the holiday when I had to work. Also refused because I “should have been better organised”. The work was unpredictable and short notice, and not doing it would have been detrimental to me and also our clients, so I’m not sure what I was meant to do - clearly the system should enable someone else to pick up jobs when people are on leave, but at the moment it doesn’t.

I don’t know what to do other than leave, and despite how horrendous this feels, I really enjoy the work - I just need there to be less on my plate. What can I do? And please tell me if I’m being whiny and it’s not a big deal, because I’d rather know and then work on toughening up. Thank you.

You are doing your work and the work of others . They are taking the piss out of you . You need to get out before you have a breakdown.

@Moonlaserbearwolf, I’m fully trained for a different career which has its own problems but is at least good at “it’s 5pm, home time and no work off site”. I miss it. I love the work I’m doing in this job more, but the culture is making it impossible to enjoy.

You sound like me a year ago. I tried to tough it out, because I have always had a strong work ethic and a fear of letting people down, but I couldn’t. In the end it all fell apart - I burned out horribly, and left in a mess, from having been at the top of my career game a few years prior.

Take it from me - it’s not worth it. It’s never worth it. Be smart about calling in all your allocated leave, and get out.

Sounds like my social work job.

Issue is other team members do half what some of us do and never get pulled up on it. I'm job hunting.

Try working to rule?

You've flagged this up with your manager and her manager. An employer has a legal duty of care to manage this. If they don't, it can be viewed as constructive dismissal.

/https://www.davidsonmorris.com/employers-duty-of-care-stress/

If you haven't done it already, start documenting everything on email so you have a paper trail. Any conversations need to be followed up and confirmed on email.

Start looking for another job though. This isn't going to improve.

Everyone I have to go into meetings for a bit, but huge gratitude to everyone who’s replied and I’ll be back later. You’ve been so kind and helpful, and shown me lots of ways forward. Thank you ❤️

It's worrying that the colleague who has boundaries is disliked and seen as a bit of a dick.

In functioning workplaces it is perfectly normal to have constant but respectful conversations about work allocation, resourcing and capacity.

I have weekly conversations with my manager and my direct reports about what is going on, what needs to be prioritised and where there are capacity squeezes.

I'd leave and have a fresh start with new boundaries. I'm sorry they have let it get to this point.

Thinking of you today OP

Completely agree with this as the more you do, the more they just expect you to do it.

I agree with a lot of what others have said. Taking some leave to allow you time to reset (& look for another job during this time) sounds like an essential in this scenario. Also, you’d hope it would let your workplace see your workload if it’s then shared with others as a short term fix cover.

Unfortunately it won’t change unless you do something about it - I know this from experience. I missed many family occasions as I was the only ‘single’ one at work therefore quick turnaround tasks came to me as “you don’t have family”. Relationships
failed because of this - my then partner couldn’t understand the situation. Wasn’t paid to work wknds but had to to keep up work workload demands - 12hours at the office then working all evening & wknd. Often queried this but was told to look at it as steps towards career progress. I didn’t stay there much longer & took a side step for the sake of my sanity, & needless to say, after the threats of “you need to be seen as a team player” evaporated, I got a promotion & was working above my boss.

Boss didn’t last much longer after I left - jumped before being pushed - once others started querying things too.

You need to get out and fast!

I can guarantee that although you may not realise it this will eventually take a toll on your mental and physical health. I was in a job for many years that I could just barely tolerate and I ended up developing IBS (at 40) then coming close to having a mental breakdown in my 50s (It didn't help that my new passive aggressive unhappy divorcee boss liked to amuse herself by bullying her staff).

In retrospect, I regret staying and should have left after the first 10 years, if not sooner - but I was misadvised by everyone around me to hold out for redundancy and ended up staying for another 10 years... Although it was well paid, the price I ultimately paid was too high.

I can see now that I could have done something that gave me greater satisfaction and fulfilment. You won't get the years back.

You are creating an unsustainable working environment, you manager may think you can manage or aren’t as busy because you are working too much.

i had to take over a client account from a colleague who worked like you, i ended up stressed out and on a PIP because I couldn’t keep up with the expectation that my previous colleague had set because she worked every hour god sent, I physically couldn’t work like she did due to family commitments. Needless to say I asked to be taken off the instruction and the same thing happened to my successor, at this point my company then realised that the current fee we charged was not actually profitable based on the hours required. I left that job and have a good work life balance now.

Your body will be being absolutely flushed with cortisol and other stress related hormones.

This will be affecting all of your major organs and your brain.

I used to be like you and I’ve ended up with Crohns Disease and other autoimmune conditions. I now have to have fortnightly chemo drug infusions for 2 hours at a time, I’m losing my vision, I can’t drive at night, my joints are in such pain that I can hardly leave the house when I’m in flare up, my skin is red and sore and blotchy, I have constant upset tummies and I haven’t been able to go on holiday for 10 years.

stress can cause long term destruction on your body - not to mention anxiety, depression , cause you to overeat or skip meals.

please take action to change your lifestyle before it’s too late.

Are you an academic, OP, trying to describe the job in a way that makes it a bit more generic? If so, then the culture is both quite hard to explain and objectively crazy. The fact that there are people who are just loudly and vocally shit at admin part of the jobs and/or refuse to do them and that those people are usually not just tolerated but essentially rewarded is particularly mind-boggling from the outside.

What FloorMop said.

Leave.

I was in the same sort of situation. Reading the OP brought on my palpitations, stomach churning and whistling in my ears that I used to get every day at work. I'd cry in the car park when I arrived each day. I'm feeling shaky now from the memory of it.

I could actually cry for you OP as I so know how you feel. I ended up working 7 days a week and at the end of the year lost out on 5 weeks holiday I'd not taken. Even taking a day's leave would end up with me just stressing about what I'd be coming back to.

Not worth it. I ended up taking early retirement and sacrificing a chunk of my NHS pension to do so. Luckily I was already in my late 50s.

Your post is so sad to see @JustNowWhat you sound like an incredibly competent and professional employee who is being taken complete advantage of.

I have been in your position and as others have said it never ends well. A toxic environment like that is so bad for your own health and wellbeing and NO job should come before that.

You sound like you’ve become so tunnel vision on work that life, feelings, respect for yourself etc has gone out of the window.

I know it’s hard letting go of control but I think you really need to ‘disconnect’ from your role now and urgently look for other opportunities. If you feel you can’t do that because of the constant internal pressures then please take time off sick. There is no shame in it, you haven’t had a break and are being treated so badly.

You need to physically and mentally step away and find that strong voice inside you that would be telling a loved one in the same position to not allow toxic people who mean nothing to you make you feel so stressed.

It’s not worth it, life is so short and yes we need our careers and the financial stability that brings but it should never rob you of living a life alongside that. You deserve so much more and there will be employers out there who will celebrate work/life balance and have a more productive happy workforce for it.

❤

I'm so sorry OP, I've absolutely been there.
I think you need to find a new job. Don't see that as your failure. It's theirs. These toxic organisations have a way of making you feel as if you are only good at your job if you can handle terrible situations - a test of your commitment and abilities. Bullshit! That's just the way they manipulate you into being more easily exploitable, and they are absolutely exploiting you. It gets very cult-y and the cult is one of overwork.

I agree with others also that sometimes things have to go wrong before management take it seriously. It's hard if you're a diligent person with high standards, but if you are working hard, managing your time well and delivering quality output when it comes to the work you can reasonably achieve in the time you have, then anything that goes wrong is management's fault. They are in charge of resourcing and they're clearly failing on that front. So let them face the consequences of that failure.

Stress is not something minor and fleeting. It has a significant effect on our bodies and our health. Those effects can be extremely long lasting. It isn't worth it 💐

@JustNowWhat what happens if you get hit by a bus (or the flu) and can’t work?
someone else will do it, that’s what!

evidently no one cares about, including yourself. So change that first. Start caring about you!!

put an urgent meeting in your diary everyday (or at least three days a week) at 5.30/6pm & go and do it!
breathe the air, see the sky, meet your friends !!

maybe you do need to get better organised. Maybe you need to delegate better.
you certainly need to prioritise you better !!

in our core leadership team we all have gym time in our diaries (on different schedules - we don’t go together!) but it doesn’t get moved, because it’s a self care priority!

as do early finishes for family reasons.
we work late other time.

but remember is called OVERTIME not ALL-THE-TIME.

@JustNowWhat sounds like an agency. Maybe Pharma or PR? If you’re ‘supporting’ all these different teams, are you junior?

I worked in that sphere for two years and never, ever again. If you really want to stay in though, push for promotion - shit rolls downhill, and in toxic agencies the juniors work like dogs and the AMs push them around and get patted on the head by the ADs for ‘getting so much done’.

If you want to get out into a job where you will be respected, I’d advise looking into women in tech roles, scrum master, something like that.

@JustNowWhat how long have you worked there? Curious as that might impact on your next steps.

First thing, I’d do up a memo to your manager and cc in HR to put in writing what happened on your booked AL, and to ask what steps will be taken to avoid a recurrence. I would say that it highlights the shortage of resources to do your role, and this is not sustainable for the company, tue clients, or for you as a trusted employee who has been commended for performance on x occasions.

Note that you are willing to provide advice or insights to assist management in identifying what resources are needed and how employees can be supported.

Then wait. Your follow up step would be to request a meeting and bring a union rep or colleague in with you.

I've only ever resigned once in my life from a horribly stressful job. I kept putting it off but when I finally decided I'd had enough and drafted my resignation email I had the weirdest episode ... struggling to catch my breath, heart going a million miles an hour and then the floodgates opened and I cried like a baby for a good 10 minutes. Then as if a switch was flicked I was so calm. More than I'd felt for so long.

I pressed send and the relief was immense.

(Was still nervous about going in the next day as deep down my boss wasn't a bad person per say just an absolutely dire people manager. I rehearsed with DH how to handle the conversation and while it wasn't easy to have it wasn't as bad as if built it up in my head)

I would be your colleague in my workplace. i don't check emails out of hours and I can say no and there is no time.

I used to be like you. Then i had children and they have SEN and life takes priority.

There are awards for MVPs and I know I will never get one as the all go "above and fucking beyond" and I am not going above and beyond for work. My life and my kids are more important.

You are having work delegated to you . Someone else work that THEY should be doing . Which begs the question what are THEY doing ? Half a job ,no evenings no weekends and no stress that what ! I've seen this many times over the years . Some people are so lazy entitled and manipulative.Get signed off on the sick and look for something else O/P no job is worth this .

LTB