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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To reject DP's birthday 'surprises'

66 replies

Ladyviolet · 11/02/2024 21:46

Every year DP takes me somewhere for my birthday, which involves something he actually wants to do. Eg. last year he took me to a random exhibition because at the same place there was something he wanted to see. We also went to a local pub that he specifically likes for dinner. I like it too, but we've been there every year for about 4 years now for both of our birthdays (he's an extreme creature of habit).

This year I've discovered he's taking me to some videogame bar he loves that has retro arcades and stuff. I like occasional gaming but not something I'd care to do for a bday outing.

I don't want to say it because I'll sound ungrateful. But I think I really do need to say something because we don't go out very often, and I'd quite like to go somewhere I'd actually enjoy. I've explicitly given him ideas and he always completely ignores me because he 'likes to do something as a surprise.' He's the same at Xmas, I give him a brief list of small, inexpensive things (eg. books, chocolate) and he gets me random stuff he 'thinks' I'll like instead... I'm fed up of banging my head up against the wall. What to I say to stop this once and for all without sounding like a spoilt brat?

OP posts:
HalebiHabibti · 11/02/2024 21:48

Tell him the name of one specific place you want to go, on a specific day. Say that you are very keen to do exactly the thing you have said, on that day. See what happens.

LizFromMotherland · 11/02/2024 21:49

But it's your birthday so why is he choosing anyway? Confused

Cherrysoup · 11/02/2024 21:50

Do an Amazon wish list so it’s stuff you like but you don’t know what he’s getting you from there.

Re the venue for your birthday, there is no way he should be taking you somewhere he wants to go, that’s absolutely outrageous! Can you tell him somewhere you want to go?

CaineRaine · 11/02/2024 21:50

“That’s more your sort of place than mine DH. So as it’s my birthday we’re celebrating, I’d rather go to X bar instead. We can go to the gaming bar when it’s your birthday”.

Lammveg · 11/02/2024 21:51

You could say as its your birthday you don't want a surprise and you want to go X on X day.

Sympathy though - I say to my DH 'love me how I want to be loved, not always how you want to love me'.

youcandanceifyouwanna · 11/02/2024 21:52

Book somewhere yourself and tell him that's where you will be celebrating your birthday.

ColdButSunny · 11/02/2024 21:52

Stop worrying about being a spoilt brat. You're not the one being a spoilt brat! Just be upfront about it OP.

TeaKitten · 11/02/2024 21:53

Just tell him where you want to go, and tell him you’ve booked the retro arcade place for his birthday.

Cnidarian · 11/02/2024 21:53

Why are you worrying about being a spoiled brat? It's your birthday, you're meant to be spoiled in the way you would like! Just tell him what you want.

Shiveringinthecountry · 11/02/2024 21:54

Tell him you've heard where he's taking you, and tell him you just don't want to go there on your birthday. He sounds pretty selfish. I hope you can have a treat you'll enjoy.

coxesorangepippin · 11/02/2024 21:55

Tell home where you want to go and wat you want to do

Musntapplecrumble · 11/02/2024 21:58

@CaineRaine
“That’s more your sort of place than mine DH. So as it’s my birthday we’re celebrating, I’d rather go to X bar instead. We can go to the gaming bar when it’s your birthday”.
👆Seconded

Letsgocamping67 · 11/02/2024 21:59

He’s being a selfish twat. Tell him and nip it in the bud now.

Ladyviolet · 11/02/2024 22:02

Not a bad idea @youcandanceifyouwanna I might do that actually.

Obviously I'd like to do something we'll both enjoy together, but honestly I've told him a million times what sort of things I'd like to do etc. He gets sad if I don't want to do the thing he's planned so I end up just going along with it to keep him happy. Thing is, he genuinely seems to think whatever he has planned are lovely ideas for me...

OP posts:
OhVienna24 · 11/02/2024 22:03

Tell him clearly, ‘I don’t want to go to …. on my birthday.’

Ladyviolet · 11/02/2024 22:04

Just worried I'm being ungrateful. I'm grateful to have a partner who is kind and decent. He's trying to do something nice. He's just useless at stuff like this.

OP posts:
hellsBells246 · 11/02/2024 22:05

Ladyviolet · 11/02/2024 22:02

Not a bad idea @youcandanceifyouwanna I might do that actually.

Obviously I'd like to do something we'll both enjoy together, but honestly I've told him a million times what sort of things I'd like to do etc. He gets sad if I don't want to do the thing he's planned so I end up just going along with it to keep him happy. Thing is, he genuinely seems to think whatever he has planned are lovely ideas for me...

He gets sad? Diddums...

But he doesn't seem to care about, or listen to, your feelings?!

ClaraLane · 11/02/2024 22:06

Meh if he’s not listening then book what you want to do for your birthday on his birthday. Maybe he’ll listen then 🤷🏼‍♀️

BirthdayRainbow · 11/02/2024 22:06

Ladyviolet · 11/02/2024 22:02

Not a bad idea @youcandanceifyouwanna I might do that actually.

Obviously I'd like to do something we'll both enjoy together, but honestly I've told him a million times what sort of things I'd like to do etc. He gets sad if I don't want to do the thing he's planned so I end up just going along with it to keep him happy. Thing is, he genuinely seems to think whatever he has planned are lovely ideas for me...

He gets sad? No. He is manipulating you.

Just like people who dish out just what they are thinking which is mean are also sensitive and can't take it. Convenient, that.

Make last year the last birthday you spend doing what he wants. Refuse point blank to go. Do not give in to him.

RandomMess · 11/02/2024 22:07

But it doesn't go both ways, he isn't interested in ensuring you do something you enjoy for YOUR birthday.

barkymcbark · 11/02/2024 22:10

Book somewhere you want to go on HIS birthday

Book somewhere you want to go for his Christmas present

Book somewhere you want to go for Father's Day

Highfour · 11/02/2024 22:10

Honestly I have just come out and said in the past that I don’t want all the tat you buy me for xmas to my oh, and asked him to get me what I wanted. At the end of the day, it’s a bit concerning that you’ve spent so many years accepting gifts that you don’t want and going to places you don’t want to. Is he a bit controlling?

Just jokingly tell him his idea is shit and you want to go to wherever it is you want to go. If he doesn’t want to go, just go yourself. You should be able to be honest with your partner without him getting upset about it!

Mumsanetta · 11/02/2024 22:12

Ladyviolet · 11/02/2024 22:04

Just worried I'm being ungrateful. I'm grateful to have a partner who is kind and decent. He's trying to do something nice. He's just useless at stuff like this.

That’s the point though, he isn’t trying to do something nice. At best, he’s ignoring your wants because he wants to be the person that comes up with the excellent surprise. At worst, he is wholly unable to get beyond his own wants and put you first, even on your birthday. Either way, he’s making your birthday about him.

SheSaidHummingbird · 11/02/2024 22:15

Ladyviolet · 11/02/2024 22:04

Just worried I'm being ungrateful. I'm grateful to have a partner who is kind and decent. He's trying to do something nice. He's just useless at stuff like this.

What you've described in your post isn't kind and decent. It's selfish and bratty.

Wolfiefan · 11/02/2024 22:16

Stop this before he plans anything. Next year say you want to do x. Before he’s planned anything. If he says he wants to surprise you say it’s your birthday and a surprise isn’t what you want. X is.