Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To reject DP's birthday 'surprises'

66 replies

Ladyviolet · 11/02/2024 21:46

Every year DP takes me somewhere for my birthday, which involves something he actually wants to do. Eg. last year he took me to a random exhibition because at the same place there was something he wanted to see. We also went to a local pub that he specifically likes for dinner. I like it too, but we've been there every year for about 4 years now for both of our birthdays (he's an extreme creature of habit).

This year I've discovered he's taking me to some videogame bar he loves that has retro arcades and stuff. I like occasional gaming but not something I'd care to do for a bday outing.

I don't want to say it because I'll sound ungrateful. But I think I really do need to say something because we don't go out very often, and I'd quite like to go somewhere I'd actually enjoy. I've explicitly given him ideas and he always completely ignores me because he 'likes to do something as a surprise.' He's the same at Xmas, I give him a brief list of small, inexpensive things (eg. books, chocolate) and he gets me random stuff he 'thinks' I'll like instead... I'm fed up of banging my head up against the wall. What to I say to stop this once and for all without sounding like a spoilt brat?

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 12/02/2024 05:57

Ladyviolet · 11/02/2024 22:02

Not a bad idea @youcandanceifyouwanna I might do that actually.

Obviously I'd like to do something we'll both enjoy together, but honestly I've told him a million times what sort of things I'd like to do etc. He gets sad if I don't want to do the thing he's planned so I end up just going along with it to keep him happy. Thing is, he genuinely seems to think whatever he has planned are lovely ideas for me...

in the nicest possible way stop falling for it. if he's sad he'll get over it, why should his brief sadness overrule doing what you actually enjoy for his birthday.

he needs to stop being selfish.

Codlingmoths · 12/02/2024 06:08

My pissed off would outweigh his sad and then some. He deserves to be sad, you don’t deserve to have your birthday all about what he likes

Lurkingandlearning · 12/02/2024 06:29

Tell him as it’s him that likes surprises and you don’t that surprises will be just for his birthday Xmas etc

Tell him - What you would like for your birthday “more than anything else in the entire world is x y z” and you’d be so disappointed with anything other than that.

It’s a bit childish (?) but he can’t argue with it

Hope you finally get a birthday you can enjoy

Pipsquiggle · 12/02/2024 06:58

If you have explicitly told him that 'this is what I want to do' or 'this is what I would like' and he still gets you random crap, then you need to book it /buy it yourself.

Give him advance warning saying you are booking somewhere. If he asks why - tell him.

Renamed · 12/02/2024 08:55

Ladyviolet · 11/02/2024 22:02

Not a bad idea @youcandanceifyouwanna I might do that actually.

Obviously I'd like to do something we'll both enjoy together, but honestly I've told him a million times what sort of things I'd like to do etc. He gets sad if I don't want to do the thing he's planned so I end up just going along with it to keep him happy. Thing is, he genuinely seems to think whatever he has planned are lovely ideas for me...

From the age of about 18 months to 3 or 4 children develop the understanding of other minds, meaning people can like different things etc…

Does he assume that you think like him in all things?

Rewis · 12/02/2024 11:59

Ladyviolet · 11/02/2024 22:04

Just worried I'm being ungrateful. I'm grateful to have a partner who is kind and decent. He's trying to do something nice. He's just useless at stuff like this.

How is him ignoring your specific requests ans doing something he wants kind and decent? He's useless at following basic directions? Honestly, he sounds inconsiderate and selfish. I'm not saying he's a terrible person through and through but he's doing it ourrly for his own benefit.

Your options are to talk to him and tell him what you want to do on your birthday. Have conversation on how this make you feel. Agree on a spouse day where you do a special activity or something if you need an excuse to have a special date at an arcade.
Or play his game. For his birthday buy a book you want to read.

Slanabhaile · 12/02/2024 12:10

He gets sad if I don't want to do the thing he's planned so I end up just going along with it to keep him happy.

But what about him doing something to make you happy?? Why is him being happy more important than you?

Wishihadanalgorithm · 12/02/2024 12:23

Tell him what you want and that if he deviates from this then he’s planning g something g for himself and clearly not for you.

cheddercherry · 12/02/2024 12:28

Ladyviolet · 11/02/2024 22:04

Just worried I'm being ungrateful. I'm grateful to have a partner who is kind and decent. He's trying to do something nice. He's just useless at stuff like this.

He’s not useless though, he’s actively choosing to ignore you and all your hints and suggestions and plan something you've said yourself is for him and not you. That’s not useless, that’s purposefully selfish.

I’m not saying he’s an awful guy, or a monster but when it comes to gifting just call it what it is. If he was that concerned about your feelings then surely he’d be mortified you’ve had years of disappointing celebrations instead of pandering to him and having decades more frustrations.

StarDolphins · 12/02/2024 12:29

You’re not a spoilt brat! I would just be honest & tell him.

You have my sympathy. My Ex used to buy me underwear despite me saying I’m not into it. Irritated the life out of me!

Amara123 · 12/02/2024 13:38

My partner is autistic and I've had to learn over the years to really spell out what I want for birthdays etc, it makes things easier for both of us.

And he does that, because he loves me and wants me to be happy.

I think you need to learn that you are allowed to put yourself first.

ThirdStorm · 12/02/2024 13:42

My ex used to make grand gestures for my birthday, spending money we didn't have then get upset that I wasn't grateful. It took me so long to realise what was really going on. As others have said, you will need to speak up about these birthday surprises. "I have worked out you are planning a gaming trip for my birthday, I don't want to do that. I want to go for afternoon tea at this local restaurant. Will you book it or shall I?". Good Luck.

FinallyHere · 12/02/2024 13:49

TeaKitten · 11/02/2024 21:53

Just tell him where you want to go, and tell him you’ve booked the retro arcade place for his birthday.

This.

I hate surprises.

Caroparo52 · 12/02/2024 15:27

Ladyviolet · 11/02/2024 22:04

Just worried I'm being ungrateful. I'm grateful to have a partner who is kind and decent. He's trying to do something nice. He's just useless at stuff like this.

He's lucky to have such a forgiving and patient dp.
I'd say
DP I've booked this on my birthday as you obviously refuse to listen to my hints. I've also spent x zillion quid on your gift to me so just transfer me the money. Also I've booked us a visit to a nice spa day for your birthday with 3 treatments each.😎
Takes the disappointment out of it. Sod the romance bit.. he's clearly not that bothered either or he would have got it right.

SnackQueen · 12/02/2024 16:50

This reminds me of the classic Simpsons episode where Homer gets Marge a bowling ball for her birthday that has his own name printed on it.

Either tell him to stop being such a self-interested prat when it comes to planning your birthday or take ownership and tell him that you want to plan your own birthday. If you booked a manicure at the local nail salon followed by shopping and afternoon tea at the Ritz for his birthday do you really think he would act so grateful and the appreciative?

StripeyDeckchair · 12/02/2024 16:59

Well when it comes round to his birthday make sure you organise what you want to do.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page