Do you think people who had kids later are less likely to have a mid life crisis

[Goingtotheyelllowcafetomorrow]

Or will it just come later?
Dh and I didn’t have Dd until we were 40 due to infertility. We had many many years to travel, live abroad, spend time together to do as we please and live our own lives. We’re now in the thick of it with Dd and although tiring, loving it.
Friends that I have who married younger (twenties) and had children seem to be going their separate ways, the man generally meeting another woman, sadly and with the kids growing up, big changes happening.
Other friends who had kids late 30’s plus all pretty much together etc
Will it just hit us later perhaps mid-late 50’s when our kids are growing up or do you think it’s less likely to happen as we did lots more in our younger years?

I had my first at 21 and will be 44 when youngest is 18.

In answer to your question, yes I do think people who had kids younger are more likely to have a mid life crisis...but that is based on nothing more than me wondering what it's going to be like to be able to do whatever I want and thinking I'm looking forward to going a bit mad.

Having a child in my 40s probably was my midlife crisis

@Dacadactyl Thats what I’m wondering, their main youth was caught up in looking after children and they’re still young enough after bringing the kids up to maybe make up for lost time. I’m wondering if Dh will feel the same at 55-58 or not because we had 40 years of being free

Always slightly agog at people who marry their school boy / girl friend. No other meaningful sexual experience or adult relationships. Never being on your own in the world finding out what you want to do and how you want to live. Not to mention how much you change and grow from 16-25. I’m not surprised some freak out in their 40s - usually seems to be men. Dh and I met late twenties - so glad as we really appreciate each other as we have benchmarks of other people.

Interesting. I read a thread a while ago about reassessing your life at 40 and what it all means and just thought I haven’t given a moment’s consideration to what it all might mean with a baby and DC who just started school. DH has said the same and he’s older.

Interesting 🤔

I suspect it's far less likely to happen. You've committed to having children when older and hopefully wiser. By the time they are grown, you have less energy to stake out a new path 😅

@cocavino Yes, there’s that too 😂

Probably! Not enough time and too tired 😂

I had my children at 35 and 36, 22 months apart. I’m in crisis now they’re teenagers and I’m feeling too old to have the energy to cope with them. I wish I’d either never had them or had them in my 20s.

I would say for some midlife crisis will come sooner as a result, or directly coincide with the arrival of DC.

I think it's natural to want/need a change at some point in life and good things can come out of it. I think I've gone through it already and I'm late 30s now, it happened to me after having DS, also after years of struggles, of different type, but he too was long awaited. I think if you wait this long you often don't think what's going to happen after you finally have DCs as that's the goal in itself. You idolise motherhood because you've been longing for children for a long time, but the reality is it's really hard work immediately after your period of vulnerability and that's a double whammy. A recipe for midlife crisis right there, you think that your life has become what you dreamt of but also came crashing down all at once. It's tough.

I think most if not all of us go through a midlife crisis, or perhaps a turning point somewhere between 35 and 50 which leads to changes in life. What is stereotypically considered a midlife crisis is IMO more likely to happen to couples who married young and/or had children early on in their relationships, and it's usually men who are seeking an escape.

I think most people have 3 stages to their adult life. Approximately 20 years working while bringing up kids, 20 years working with no kids at home and 20 years retirement. The only difference is which order you do these in.

If you do the 20 years without kids first then there is little chance of a midlife crisis as you’ll be retiring at or before the time the kids become adults.

The problem arises when you do the 20 years with kids first as it’s a long time between kids becoming adults and your retirement age.

From personal experience I much prefer the option of having the 20 years without kids first as you have the energy to make full use of this time to travel the world or do whatever it is you fancy.

The obvious downside is that you can’t guarantee you’ll be able to have kids at 40 although many people I know manage it.

I doubt it makes a difference either way, because I don't think its as much to do with the experience you have behind you as your optimism for what lies ahead.
Many of those who find the greatest difficulty in moving into the second halves of their lives are those who had an amazing first half and fear the rest will be anti climatic. If you married young and had your DC young, by the time you hit mid life, the hard work is behind you and you've everything to play for.
It's possible that the effort and time required to care for young children is a distraction that leaves less time for the navel gazing and abdication of responsibility we term 'mid life crisis' though, so maybe fewer older parents act on it than those who have less responsibility.

I feel like I had a middle crisis last couple of years despite having kids late. I think it was nearly 40 years of being able to do whatever I liked and then loving the baby toddler phase and feeling sad as that came to an end combined with hating my job, probably being slightly perimenopausal, DS ASD becoming more obvious and generally feeling stuck. Hated work so much, hated feeling that I could not quit due to mortgage and wanted a change but didn't think I could do it without upsetting everyone else as kids happy in school etc.

@5128gap Yes, that’s it too I think, I definitely don’t have time to ponder or yearn for other things at the moment and am not arsed about wanting to be at festivals/out partying or meeting other men (couldn’t think of anything worse!) but, maybe after years of child rearing it will still come or maybe it won’t as I did all that…it is interesting

@PurplePansy05 Yes, completely get it, the shock to the system after 40 years of doing whatever you please was really hard.
Interesting you say people in this case may have it slightly earlier as around 35/36 I had a real wobble, couldn’t get pregnant, got made redundant and considered moving back to my home town, I so craved it. I also started chatting a lot to a guy from in my youth, but thankfully reined it in, perhaps that was my early mid life thing

I had mine at 19 & 23.
They are adults now and I am enjoying doing whatever I want,whenever I want.
But we also traveled and did all sorts when they were little.
No midlife crisis here.
Just cracking on with life

Maybe it's a problem for you but not for all of us! I thoroughly enjoyed spending my forties travelling, sometimes with our adult children, sometimes without, I didn't feel I lacked energy 😉

I think that it's more that they jumped into having a family young, stayed together until the children were older, then ended the marriage, rather than it being a mid life crisis.

Interesting, I had a wobble around the same time too @Goingtotheyelllowcafetomorrow, everything suddenly went to shit. I had multiple miscarriages and felt like my life went from great to absolutely awful, all areas were affected, then many bad things happened in our families, pandemic hit, costs of everything went through the roof, we had multiple other serious problems to deal with all at once. It took its toll. It was the worst not long after I had my DS, but solid crisis foundations were already there before.

I think it came to a head then not because I had DS as such, but I felt vulnerable after all the struggles and with my crazy hormones, had PNA and I looked at my life and honestly thought every single area was shit. I couldn't see the way out and virtually felt like I want to drop it all and escape far away, start afresh.

I'm far better now and part of it certainly was poor MH, but there was more to it. I've changed my ways, my thinking, reassessed and readjusted many relationships, I'm about to hopefully change jobs. My outlook on health has changed and I prioritise differently. My marriage went through a very difficult period too, my DH was a living midlife crisis after DS, for sure. I think he's still in it slightly more than me, but we're coming out the other end now.

@Ponoka7 Yes, that could be true too
So I wonder if they 40 year olds who started families will split at 56 onwards

I had a little mid-life crisis. Had my DD at 42. I’m now 49. My childhood wasn’t the best but from 18-35 was absolutely the best, own flat, money to spend, out every weekend, pick of the boys, teas out with the girls, all night parties, worked with the funniest people, just a great fun time. World is my oyster, what will the future hold type optimism.

Now, single(glad, my choice) own house with DD & my very loved pets but WFH & nearer to death than birth, won’t accomplish anything great now & I’m just bored. I thrive on fun & banter & instead, I just do the same thing day in, day out. The most excitement I get now is playing a role-play of school🙄 obviously I adore my DD with every bit of me but basically, I’m just waiting to die!🤣

Edited to say, peri/menopause & having a child ruined my relationship. Well, made me far less tolerant of a moany, negative conspiracy theoriest anyway so we split when I was 47.

@Goingtotheyelllowcafetomorrow probably not because you have lasted because you want to be together.

My mum had me later in life and never had a midlife crisis. She said she'd done everything she wanted to do before she had kids (in her forties) and was very relaxed and chilled with motherhood.

Always slightly agog at people who marry their school boy / girl friend. No other meaningful sexual experience or adult relationships. Never being on your own in the world finding out what you want to do and how you want to live. Not to mention how much you change and grow from 16-25. I’m not surprised some freak out in their 40s - usually seems to be men. Dh and I met late twenties - so glad as we really appreciate each other as we have benchmarks of other people.

Loads of people meet at uni though which isn’t that much older. I met DH then as did most of my friends, none of us married until years later as your 20s are a huge growth period.

The only divorced couple she far are the ones who met in their late 30s & in 6 yrs had a wedding, house & dc. That’s a lot of stress in a short time!