Settlement in divorce . Will this be enough for the children?

[fortheloveofcase]

Thanks for reading.
I'm heading into settlement talks and
Will meet my solicitor next week. We have three teens and live outside UK so all third level ed, medical, dental, orthodontic fees are payable.
Currently all three kids live with me.
They have no relationship with their dad as they don't want that despite much encouragement from me.
He pays mortgage on the home the children and myself live in.
This, aswell as equiv of £40 per week is maintenance.
I work full time. I was main earner and financed and supported him to climb the ladder for 16 years.
He is now self employed and very successful.
I had two substantial inheritances in the marriage which I put straight into the family.
He had his weekly wage.
I have a share in a family home and a pension. Worth a bit, not a huge amount. Have another fifteen years to retirement.
He has suggested us selling the family home ( that I'm in and he pays mortgage on in lieu of maintenance ) and splitting equity after mortgage sum is subtracted approx £40k. He has offered me
£20k cash to get half of equity.
He has said he will pay maintenance cash then thereafter .
Equity will be approx £300k.
He is hiding money and has refused to acknowledge receiving papers that have been served .
Now on paper this sounds good but truth he is, he cannot be trusted. He is a cheat, a liar and has not paid the big spends ... ed, medical etc despite promising to do so.

He says he will no 'go after' my pension or share of other house if I agree to this.

Two children have SN ALSO, for context and third child is currently in UNI and he has refused point blank to pay anything. This has cost be £ 10k so far this year.
Is this enough to provide half of children's expenses until they are educated in your opinion? Would you accept this .

Anything you’ve paid for the children since the split should be taken into account.

It won't be.

Absolutely nothing bar the existing Affidavits will be even heard in court unless you don't settle & give evidence - and then it can go either way and is usually not worth taking a gamble on

Settle (but he'll need a solicitor & barrister for court).

No he wanted the mortgage to be paid off with the proceeds of the sale !! Forget that I think... only because he is not a man of his word .
He said he'd make up the balance . I don't believe him and neither do those who know of the whole situation.

her ex contributes £30,000 owed in university fees that his DS saved and paid for himself

There are technically no fees in Irish universities. There's a registration fee of €3k which has been reduced in the past two years.

OP's ex will be required to pay 50% of that (more if there was a very significant disparity in pay).

But if I have to pay him 150-200k that's at or more than 50% Of equity of house????

I completely disagree.

He isn't the only one with agency here! You are a joint owner.

So, either sell the house, pay off the small mortgage & agree equity split (you'll get at least 60:40).

You've more money coming from another property?

So you should be able to afford a new house.

OR.

Buy him out - if you want to stay in your current house.

He can't screw you over with the sale. Your name is on the property, proceeds will be distributed as per the settlement.

Registration fees, accommodation , bills, food and transport is extortionate on my own. It has nearly broken me financially but my daughter now works around lectures to support herself somewhat . I'm over threshold for grant

Buying him out is my ideal . We've made it a cosy , stress free and warm home so until my children are educated , trained, relatively independent etc, I'd prefer to stay here and know the children would too. Stability finally .

It depends what way you are doing it.

If you sell you'll split the proceeds after paying mortgage based on the ratio you agree in court.

If you buy him out, ie get a mortgage, you'll agree the value of the house and work from there.

If you give him an amount to relinquish his interest, he'll be looking for an amount that future proofs him too. So it may be higher than the equity split now but you'll have the full benefit of the value of the house whenever you do sell. He will be on the mortgage still so cannot buy himself.

But the above option does not seem needed in your case. It was in mine as we had €150k remaining & I could not get a mortgage in my own name (most women in this position can't, as you cannot take maintenance into account for mortgage purposes, and 3 DC = 3 black marks on the scoresheet with the banks).

That is not fair you should get more if your having kids with you fulltime at least 2/3 to you. Got three friends recently done financal split and I know it ranged between 2/3,rds and 70%.

The pension does not work like that. My DB had same threat from his ex solicitor calculated at a lot less!

I know. I'll be the same. It's terrifying (my DD is nearly at that point & while she can live at home for many courses, the course she really wants means she may have to move). I have no idea how I'll afford it, and know it will be a battle to get my ex to pay anything. He earns plenty but is a mess with money (tho enjoys a pretty nice lifestyle all the same).

💯

So many similarities with my situation.

Well, my house isn't ideal, I don't love it but I live in Dublin and I'm very lucky to have it.

I hated paying him so much (I'd to borrow it) but on the day in court, I rang someone wise (my legal team were not helpful) and they said: what's your priority? It had to be the house so I made sure I got that, then had to accept lower maintenance, swallow all the anomalies in the paperwork, agree to pointless family therapy, everything.

I felt sick.

But without the house I could have really been homeless.

In your case, you really have options. €35k or so is so manageable in terms of sorting a mortgage in your own name, paying him agreed equity and then you don't need to think about him re the house again.

That is not fair you should get more if your having kids with you fulltime at least 2/3 to you.

Are you talking about Ireland?

Are you talking about the equity split? It isn't fair. It's usually 60:40, you can try for more but it's not likely (unless massive salary disparity; although OP mentions her DC have SN, that will count). Usually the court will still say access should be ordered, or therapy if there's an issue, it's nonsense (my ex has never had the DC, sporadic days at weekends & no contact at all for 2 years bar his random appearances at matches & so on to annoy them). It's awful.

I don't know laws in Ireland but in the UK, a Judge can order him to do full financial disclosure and to produce bank statements. My ex had to be forced by court to do so. The Judge told him he'd be in contempt of court if he didn't disclose. When he did finally disclose it was clear he'd removed large amounts of cash from bank accounts and he couldn't tell the Judge where it had gone. The Judge counted it as him still having it. I'd offered stbxh 50/50 from the beginning but he'd insisted he should have 80 percent. After a long time where he kept failing to turn up at court until the Judge stayed if he doesn't make next hearing it will be decided in his absence. Then he appeared. Judge was furious with him for wasting his time on 3 occasions and causing a lot of unnecessary expense for me as I attended with solicitor on each occasion. I ended up with 68 percent of equity and a chunk of his pension too under the pension sharing. The DC stayed with me and he was supposed to see them one night in week and EOW but in reality he rarely turned up to collect them. Our youngest DC was often in tears. Our 2 older DC got angry with him. I moved on and 3 years later remarried, I married the forensic accountant I hired to trace his earnings. Exh was furious and in 17 years has barely spoken a word to me since.

a Judge can order him to do full financial disclosure and to produce bank statements.

Yes, same here.

I married the forensic accountant I hired to trace his earnings.

Wow 🤭

I'm in Ireland too and facing into judicial seperation hearing with an arsehole ex in a couple of weeks. This is all good advice. It's such an awful situation. My ex is still in the marital home which we built on my family's land.......I had to leave due to DV. He denies it all and is seeing the kids more than he ever did, purely so he can say he doesn't have to pay maintenance and has an equal right to stay in the property. I think my legal team are pretty good but his are too. His finances are crazy and he's hiding a huge amount. I don't know how it will go. Good to hear of other Irish people with experience/advice

How old are the kids? You said the third is in uni? Adult children will get less consideration than under 18's will regarding ongoing maintenance

That's very tough. I'm so sorry 😔

Can I ask why you are going for a judicial separation not divorce? Are you < 2 years separated?

As the processes are identical so it's worth going for divorce rather than having to replicate the process.

I actually had to do it in tandem - I separated when you had to wait 4 years still, before the change in legislation. So I commenced judicial separation but then managed to combine with divorce.

Not really. In terms of maintenance it's still treated as such if they are in full-time education - and he will be expected to share university costs.

Less than two years seperated, and just so desperate to get away from him (I'm living beside the house we built in my parents house with the kids) I applied as soon as I could but he's dragged it. 2 interim order applications and no further on as we don't agree on a single thing. It's hell. He lives right beside me and watches me all the time and asks the kids things about me etc. Hoping judge sees the truth but I'm aware it doesn't always work that way....

Oh God @whatsoccuringnow

I'm really sorry. I don't want to be pessimistic but in my experience (also an abusive ex) they (courts, system etc) don't give a damn.

Still, you escaped, I know imperfectly, but (as I remind myself every day), it's better than the alternative.

I spent a decade getting to this point (divorced) & actually the last few months have seen me at my lowest as I feel like yes, I got divorced but it was so unfair & seems to have presented a whole new set of problems. But I remind myself - what was the other option?

Good luck in your journey - I hope you've good support from your family ❤️

I don't know if this is possible for you but it's what I did. Also not UK.

If at all possible drop all maintenance claims and get the biggest amount up front so there's a clean break. So 100% of all properties etc, all your pension and you'll never ask for another penny. That way he's out of your life if not the kids.

To help you win this argument state the amount of years per child that he will owe maintenance for and what that could add up to. It makes for a pretty persuasive argument. Add in all the inheritance that you put in the marriage/house. Not salary though.

Thanks, I have great support. I'm sorry your divorce hasn't been as freeing as you hoped. But you're right, with abuse there simply is no other choice.

Sorry by the way I feel like I hijacked your thread a bit! I'm further along than you. It's a slow laborious process when they don't submit things but your solicitor will just keep at them. Keep going and best of luck- pm if you like I'd say I'm about a year ahead of you and just waiting on my seperation hearing in a few weeks

I'm sorry your divorce hasn't been as freeing as you hoped.

I'm hopeful it will be eventually!

I think what many people (well, I didn't!) don't realise is that even when the order is made there are a lot of practical details to take care of e.g. (in my case) the indemnity on the house, an order relating to pensions, (again in my case) the order made about therapy for him / DC to (supposedly) restore their relationship, and all the practical aspects that I couldn't do while we were still married, like changing direct debits, bank accounts and so on. It was so exhausting getting everything ready for the divorce (multiple times - I had to update my Affidavits 9 times <sobs>), I can't summon the energy for all this.

I hear you, its so exhausting! I'm in the middle of affadavits. I'm sick of ordering bank statements for multiple accounts! It's never ending. He does as he pleases and the court don't seem to mind. He has a stunning new gf and a high end lifestyle while I scrimp. But I'm free and wake up without the fear of him every morning! I keep reminding myself of that.