To be worried about neurodivergence

[Tobeornottobe1984]

Apologies for long post and posting here for traffic. Put a similar post in SN but not many answers.

To preface this post, I should state I am and always have been a big worrier, I can obsess and compulsively research things and 100% convince myself of awful things like illnesses, something being wrong with the children etc. This has happened in the past more than once so I am well aware that this could just be another example of this.

DS is 5.5 and in reception. He settled in amazingly well, no issues moving from a small pre school to a much bigger primary although he did have his best friend, and lots of other children he knew, move with him. He is on the whole a very happy little boy. He does however have a few habits/characteristics that concern me.

1)He can sometimes be a little withdrawn socially. He does have a hearing loss and wears hearing aids so I understand this could potentially be the reason. He has one very close friend (if this friend is present, he seems to ignore/push away other children). However if that friend is not there he is happy to play with others, although he’s usually better one on one - again, could be a hearing thing. Teacher has commented on their close friendship (it is reciprocal) but has also said he is starting to make new connections with other kids at school and isn’t concerned.

2. Has a habit of sometimes talking/whispering to himself, it doesn’t happen all the time and usually will only repeat something if it’s new to him or he’s really interested/engaged in the conversation. Sometimes he does it lying in bed at night, quite often re-enacting something that’s happened in the day or on tv. Despite this, he’s always been an amazing sleeper, will stay in his bed and sleep although very occasionally if he’s particularly stimulated, he can fight sleep for up to an hour when put to bed.

3. Will run and jump about, particularly when he’s excited or stimulated by something (usually something that’s got him worked up on tv) or if he’s anticipating something fun or exciting happening to him. He doesn’t seem compelled to do it and I can easily talk to him/interact while he’s doing it. He just says he wants to do it/feels excited.

4. Occasionally he can be mildly aggressive. This is rare for him and he has always been described at pre school and school as a very kind and gentle boy, certainly not as boisterous as lots of boys his age. The school thinks this is happening because he’s overwhelmed by noise and acts out in response to it. I’m not sure if it’s just an impulse thing or whether it is his reaction to the noise. Clearly the classroom can get very noisy and this only usually happens if he can’t remove himself from source of noise. Appears to be better now according to his teachers as they have adjusted the volume on his aids.

5)He always want be first/the best/get the biggest thing. He creates competition to be first or to get attention. This usually only happens at home and particularly with his DB. That said, he is usually very good with turn taking and sharing. He is very good with his little DB with letting him share his toys. School haven’t raised any concerns

6. Non stop talking and asking questions. He is a genuinely curious child but he does not shut up! He tends to want to dominate conversations but will answer questions put to him when pushed to do so. He will be quiet (eventually) when asked.

7. Can fidget/get distracted easily. Sometimes struggles maintain his focus, particularly if it’s something he’s not interested in or finds difficult. But he can also be resilient and is willing to give things a go, according to school.

But despite all of the above, he is an amazing little boy. He is bright, he is articulate and has excellent communication skills (although he does seem more comfortable with adults than other children). He understands and can follow conversational norms although as I said he can try and dominate at times. He is doing well academically and is certainly progressing with his school work - teacher has said she has no concerns academically. He has never had a problem with making or maintaining eye contact etc, he understands facial expressions and non verbal cues, although he was late to point (about 18 months/2 years old) and a relatively late talker (2-2:5 but his language came quickly once it started). He has no sensory issues - he’s always been an amazing eater and eats a huge variety of foods, he isn’t bothered by textures or other things associated with touch, he isn’t that bothered by loud noises/noisy environments although he will occasionally complain about something being too loud (again probs more to do with his aids). He doesn’t really tantrum or experience meltdowns, certainly not to the extent of some of the other children of the same age we know. Occasionally he gets a bit worked up/emotionally overwhelmed but this only tends to happen if he’s real tired or overexcited about something. He can easily be distracted/de-escalated from it, usually in a matter of a minute or so. He loves parties and other social situations and he embraces new experiences and places. He doesn’t seem anxious when meeting new people etc. Doesn’t have any fixations on routines, or repetitive behaviors, is fine with change big or small, and seems fine with transition.

I’m so sorry for such a long post but I didn’t want to drip feed. I would really appreciate any advice/opinions on whether I should be concerned about potential neurodiversity or whether I should just embrace him and all his little ways as just being those of a typical happy 5.5 year old. I love him to bits for who he is and that will never change. But I also want to know if this is a genuine concern or just another one of my stupid obsessions. It’s starting to impact my enjoyment of him which I find deeply upsetting. Thanks in advance and please be kind x

@TheSnowyOwl eye contact itself is fine I think, it’s literally just the camera thing. I do take a lot of photos so I totally get that he could be getting fed up with it although he never says no or doesn’t cooperate with photos, it’s just he needs a reminder to look at me at times. If he wants me to take a photo (for example if he’s got face paint or dirt on his face and he wants to see it) he’ll have no issues looking at the camera

And yes, for anyone about to say I’m trying to find things to fit a diagnosis, I would certainly acknowledge that you have a point 🙈

I admit that because ND is genetic, I was not only looking for ND in your DS, but in you. You both hit a few tick boxes for ADHD traits.

You can have a few traits without being ND. Your form for fixating and obsessing on multiple things indicates the ADHD trait of hyperfocus. He has the nonstop talking, the physical bouncing up and down when excited as a reflex, the inability to focus on any conversation that involves more than one person at a time, etc.

Many people have ND traits without being ND. Even if you and him are ND, it isn’t a cause for concern so long as you get assessments and any support in place. ADHD can also respond well to medication, which increase life opportunities.

He sounds fine to me from what you have said (worked with children and have them but I am no expert), though you know your child best and should always listen to your gut instinct in my opinion). It’s horrible to suffer with anxiety and I sympathise but please enjoy this amazing age and be kind to yourself as I’m sure you are giving him a lovely life.

Would it be helpful for you to read up about child development? Not to cause anxiety, but to help you realise the vast spectrum of behaviour, learning, etc that is totally within usual range for this age group. In any class you will see some of the things you state, but going mad and getting excited, not wanting to look in camera and focussing on one particular friend and everything you mention seem all very normal.

He sounds like a great little chap. Very inquisitive and alert.

@Cherryon thats interesting, as that’s the conclusion I find myself being drawn to the most. Well, when I allow myself to be convinced there is something not right that is. Do you have any background/experience with ND? I have to admit, I had my concerns when he was about 2 due to his speech delay but once he started talking (and hasn’t stopped since) I haven’t given it a second thought until the school mentioned that he’d been a bit aggressive on occasion and things basically spiraled again out of nowhere. I have had other worries in those 3 years but none were related to ND. Honestly, I was sure he was NT for those 3 intervening years until a few weeks ago when the teacher mentioned the difficulties he’d had at school. So it’s literally gone from not thinking he was ND at all to being convinced he is. The more I dig around on the internet the more I find things that support a diagnosis but then for every supposed red flag I can find, there’s probably 2-3 red flags that don’t apply (iyswim). Makes me wonder if I am trying to force a square peg into a round hole (so to speak).

Does anyone with any experience of adhd, either personal or professional, know if this is linked to difficulties with social interaction? As I’ve said, DS has a very intense friendship with one boy but much looser interactions/friendships with other children. He will join in with other children playing (for example games of chase etc) and when his best friend isn’t there, he’ll sometimes initiate play with another child, but sometimes he does just want to do his own thing. Again, could be a hearing related issue but I’d be interested to know if anyone has any knowledge of this kind of behaviour in children with adhd. He can also sometimes be a bit impulsive, for example, knocking over something someone else has built, and when reprimanded, knows he has done wrong and can’t really explain why he did it

Sorry to keep posting on this but the other thing I meant to write above was that sometimes he is quite dominant with his friend, will sometimes physically pull him along if he wants him to go somewhere and play. Not in a bullying way as the other child is quite happy to go along with it, but can be a bit smothering at times. He made friends with another child at a party the other day and he was being quite bossy with her, telling her what they had to do etc. However at times, he is happy to be the one being smothered by the other child. It’s all such a minefield

You mentioned aggression in relation to classroom noise and the fact it improved when the teachers adjusted his hearing aids…. Just to point out that when there’s a lot of background noise it can make things harder for hearing aid users to hear what they are trying to listen to, and with older aids in particular, there can be feedback from lots of noise, which could be a cause of his agitation.

My DS was like this OP. He made so many things look easy and was non plussed. No meltdowns. He is 100% neurodivergent.

@freespirit333 what were the signs that he was in fact ND if you don’t mind me asking? At wha age did this become clear?

Reading more of your points OP - my older DS has an ADHD diagnosis. He has always had a small number (no more than 3 at a time) intense, close friends. He always preferred 1-2-1 or very small groups as a preschooler. He was never a child to just play with anyone depending on the games. Now he’s the same, if his two best friends are off sick, he’ll find others to play with, but he would never choose to play with anyone other than them. That’s every single day of primary school since nursery - he’s in Y4 now!

Of course.

Age 3, not listening at pre school. Defiance,
not wanting to come in after playing outside. Making silly noises when they were meant to be listening to stories in a group.

Age 3-5 he was ok, Covid lockdowns happened during this time so he wasn’t in any setting consistently, but he transitioned to the school nursery class, then to reception, with no issues. End of reception we started getting some feedback again about silliness, messing around. Never any aggression or hurting others. This pattern carried on - he would make noise/fidget/get up to wander around when he was meant to be sitting quietly to listen or work. This has carried on even now he’s in Y4 and soon to be turning 9, although he’s much better in school than he was in Y1, which was the worst the behaviour was in school.

At home unless he’s engrossed (TV, iPad, Lego, books) then he’s restless. He always talked a lot, pretty constantly. Not monologuing - he wants people to be engaged in his chats! But constant.

I am far from an expert but was an early years educator and worked with children for many years - he sounds like a very "normal" little boy to me!

Sounds like a typical kid trying to navigate hearing aids to me. Those things can suck a bit. My friend feels better one on one as she just can't keep up with a load of chatter at once

My whole crown is ND, I haven't read you describing any of it.

I will say that eye contact doesn't really mean much. My youngest has excellent eye contact. It was irritating that eye contact was cited as a reason for the delay in diagnosis.

I think the fact that he wears hearing aids muddies the waters even more. Probably most of the issues I’m worried about could be explained by his hearing loss and perhaps cause less concern and raise less red flags than they would in a hearing child. I just worry that something mihhht get missed because it is being chalked up to being a heating issue and not a ND issue. But equally, I don’t want to put a label on my son that 1) doesn’t fit him and 2) won’t benefit or enhance his life in any way

My experience is only that I thought I was NT, my DH was NT and my DC were NT until the youngest was assessed as pretty significantly ND and then it turned out we were all ND! I thought all that was going on for us SEN wise was a bit of mild dyslexia. I felt really guilty, especially for my older DC but it was pointed out to me that it is very common for an ND household where undiagnosed ND parents think they are NT to have a blind spot about their own DC because they think “oh I was like that.” “Oh we are all late bloomers”

It cannot hurt to get an assessment done. In terms of ND it can be any mixture of traits you don’t need to have some threshold of 9 in 10 traits. It can be very subtle too. So it’s almost impossible to tell as a parent, especially if you are ND in ways you don’t know about.