To be worried about neurodivergence

[Tobeornottobe1984]

Apologies for long post and posting here for traffic. Put a similar post in SN but not many answers.

To preface this post, I should state I am and always have been a big worrier, I can obsess and compulsively research things and 100% convince myself of awful things like illnesses, something being wrong with the children etc. This has happened in the past more than once so I am well aware that this could just be another example of this.

DS is 5.5 and in reception. He settled in amazingly well, no issues moving from a small pre school to a much bigger primary although he did have his best friend, and lots of other children he knew, move with him. He is on the whole a very happy little boy. He does however have a few habits/characteristics that concern me.

1)He can sometimes be a little withdrawn socially. He does have a hearing loss and wears hearing aids so I understand this could potentially be the reason. He has one very close friend (if this friend is present, he seems to ignore/push away other children). However if that friend is not there he is happy to play with others, although he’s usually better one on one - again, could be a hearing thing. Teacher has commented on their close friendship (it is reciprocal) but has also said he is starting to make new connections with other kids at school and isn’t concerned.

2. Has a habit of sometimes talking/whispering to himself, it doesn’t happen all the time and usually will only repeat something if it’s new to him or he’s really interested/engaged in the conversation. Sometimes he does it lying in bed at night, quite often re-enacting something that’s happened in the day or on tv. Despite this, he’s always been an amazing sleeper, will stay in his bed and sleep although very occasionally if he’s particularly stimulated, he can fight sleep for up to an hour when put to bed.

3. Will run and jump about, particularly when he’s excited or stimulated by something (usually something that’s got him worked up on tv) or if he’s anticipating something fun or exciting happening to him. He doesn’t seem compelled to do it and I can easily talk to him/interact while he’s doing it. He just says he wants to do it/feels excited.

4. Occasionally he can be mildly aggressive. This is rare for him and he has always been described at pre school and school as a very kind and gentle boy, certainly not as boisterous as lots of boys his age. The school thinks this is happening because he’s overwhelmed by noise and acts out in response to it. I’m not sure if it’s just an impulse thing or whether it is his reaction to the noise. Clearly the classroom can get very noisy and this only usually happens if he can’t remove himself from source of noise. Appears to be better now according to his teachers as they have adjusted the volume on his aids.

5)He always want be first/the best/get the biggest thing. He creates competition to be first or to get attention. This usually only happens at home and particularly with his DB. That said, he is usually very good with turn taking and sharing. He is very good with his little DB with letting him share his toys. School haven’t raised any concerns

6. Non stop talking and asking questions. He is a genuinely curious child but he does not shut up! He tends to want to dominate conversations but will answer questions put to him when pushed to do so. He will be quiet (eventually) when asked.

7. Can fidget/get distracted easily. Sometimes struggles maintain his focus, particularly if it’s something he’s not interested in or finds difficult. But he can also be resilient and is willing to give things a go, according to school.

But despite all of the above, he is an amazing little boy. He is bright, he is articulate and has excellent communication skills (although he does seem more comfortable with adults than other children). He understands and can follow conversational norms although as I said he can try and dominate at times. He is doing well academically and is certainly progressing with his school work - teacher has said she has no concerns academically. He has never had a problem with making or maintaining eye contact etc, he understands facial expressions and non verbal cues, although he was late to point (about 18 months/2 years old) and a relatively late talker (2-2:5 but his language came quickly once it started). He has no sensory issues - he’s always been an amazing eater and eats a huge variety of foods, he isn’t bothered by textures or other things associated with touch, he isn’t that bothered by loud noises/noisy environments although he will occasionally complain about something being too loud (again probs more to do with his aids). He doesn’t really tantrum or experience meltdowns, certainly not to the extent of some of the other children of the same age we know. Occasionally he gets a bit worked up/emotionally overwhelmed but this only tends to happen if he’s real tired or overexcited about something. He can easily be distracted/de-escalated from it, usually in a matter of a minute or so. He loves parties and other social situations and he embraces new experiences and places. He doesn’t seem anxious when meeting new people etc. Doesn’t have any fixations on routines, or repetitive behaviors, is fine with change big or small, and seems fine with transition.

I’m so sorry for such a long post but I didn’t want to drip feed. I would really appreciate any advice/opinions on whether I should be concerned about potential neurodiversity or whether I should just embrace him and all his little ways as just being those of a typical happy 5.5 year old. I love him to bits for who he is and that will never change. But I also want to know if this is a genuine concern or just another one of my stupid obsessions. It’s starting to impact my enjoyment of him which I find deeply upsetting. Thanks in advance and please be kind x

I agree!

OP I literally (and I mean literally) obsessed about my eldest DC being autistic since he was in the womb, I worried so much when he was a baby and I was beside myself when he wasn’t clapping, waving etc before he turned 1. He then ended up doing both and pointing around his first birthday, and his speech developed well so I had a slight break from worrying, but then some of his behaviours age 2.5-3 started worrying me again.

I really was obsessed.

He’s 8 now and has an ADHD diagnosis. I think I probably do too, or ASD. I really don’t think I’m NT basically. It’s not “typical” to obsess so much.

He just sounds like a wee boy.
Stop worrying.

An education professional once told me that if a parent has concerns then there usually is something going on. Your description didn’t jump out and shout autism to me. There are some things that suggest it, but as others have said many young children also exhibit these behaviours. In your DS’s case there is an explanation for why he might have a slightly less typical development trajectory - his hearing loss.. For this reason I would be worrying less about autism at this juncture that I might otherwise, especially as he seems to currently be doing well.

Having said that if you continue to have concerns as he ages be aware that medical and educational professionals will also generally try and explain any issues away by saying they are a result of his hearing loss. You will have to push even harder than normal to get an assessment. For that reason I would document your concerns, and continue to do so. Take notes of incidents and general behaviours that you think are indicative of autism. Make sure you keep all school reports and any correspondence with school etc about any concerns. Act earlier rather than later if you think there might be an issue. Waiting lists are very long and you can always remove yourself from the waiting list further down the line if you feel an assessment isn’t required.

Make sure you liaise with school about getting DS’s needs met, regardless of the cause of them.

Seek help for your anxiety and perhaps explore some reasons why the possibility of neurodiversity in your immediate family is making you so uncomfortable, as right now YABU.

@CremeEggThief I’m sorry you feel this way and I’m certainly not trying to be offensive. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable by asking the question, or in all honesty, by not wanting ND for my DS. Of course, if he is we will accept it, embrace it, support him and absolutely love and celebrate him for who he is but hand on heart, I don’t want it for him. Would any parent? I don’t think that is unreasonable but everyone is entitled to their opinion of course

I have multiple ND's and my first thought was you could be the ND one here.

Gently OP, once you accept it’s not the end of the world, it’ll really set your anxiety free a little bit.

I have worried so much less about my DS2 than I did DS1, because I know I just accept him for who he is.

And if you are in fact ND yourself, then whilst it’s not inevitable, it’s highly likely any DC might be. And if you weren’t ND, you wouldn’t be you.

There a recommended questionnaire called. Mchatr online that could help you to determine thing or you could ask school senco to observe him.

I has an autistic child and I am autistic too. What you describe sounds more neurotypical tbh or can be attributed to hearing issues. But if you are concerned speck to professionals

I think you are not unreasonable for wanting the best for your child and that includes life being easy for him. Neurodivergence is a challenge. You shouldn't feel embarrassed about asking the question.
Norhing jumps out from what you've said though. Things do become clearer as they mature.

I agree with many things the others have said including the fact that although he has a few traits there are no big 'red flags'. I'm an SaLT so regularly work with and assess neurodivergent children. Increasingly now it's just seen as a difference or a type rather than a disorder - despite the name. It's also a spectrum and sometimes chn will present with some ASC traits but not others, so don't make the threshold for a diagnosis. Rather than worrying about whether he is / isn't ND, try to keep your focus on meeting his needs, whatever they might be. He does sound lovely and the world is becoming a better place everyday in its understanding and support for ND. It's very hard not to worry if you are a worrier though! Schools are usually very open to talking about referral for paediatrician assessment if they think it is impacting on his learning / social interactions/happiness, although as others have said, it's a v long waiting list and I think you have to think also what difference a diagnosis would make. For many parents it's a huge relief as it explains a lot and relieves them of worrying about eg. parenting being the cause. Wishing you all the best.

Being neurodivergent doesn't make you stupid or not intelligent btw so don't use that as reasons he isn't

@hjkvb im sorry, where exactly have I said that I think that? I know that many neurodivergent people are highly intelligent and clearly not stupid. All I’ve said is that he’s doing well academically but perhaps not quite so well socially at school. There’s a world of difference between those two statements

@ILoveADoubleEntendre thank you, that’s very reassuring to read. I don’t think there is sufficient concern, particularly externally with the school/tod/paed (we see one for his hearing issues and I have raised concerns in the past re possible neurodivergence and they don’t see it) for us to even get an assessment let alone a diagnosis of anything at this stage - if there is even anything to diagnose. I agree with people who’ve said that whether he is or he isn’t, he’s happy and coping well and that’s the main thing. I guess if there are more significant issues, these will come to light sooner or later. He is a bit different to other kids, or at least I think he is, but probably not in any significant or meaningful way at this stage. He is a little character, definitely has his quirks but perhaps I shouldn’t be so quick to try and force a label on it and just accept that that’s who he is.

Sounds like a 50/50 to me tbh. I have a 5 year old very similar to yours, he may be ADHD or on the spectrum somewhere as his teacher has acknowledged but he could grow out of it as well. It doesn't seem to be holding him back or affecting him so it's a bit wait and see. His teacher should guide you, they'll have seen it before 💐

At this stage he sounds like he could be a completely normal preschooler. I would keep a note of your concerns and see if they continue.

One thing to be aware of is that neurodivergence is often inherited and for many girls/women it can show as anxiety.

The fact that your ds doesn't have meltdowns and can be calmed easily suggests he most likely is not neurodovergent. He sounds like a lovely (and lively), sparky, neurotypical little boy.

Dd really struggled to transition to primary school, which I understand from other parents of ND kids is often the point at which they realise there's something not quite right. If none of the behaviours you mention are hindering him/ impacting your life, then I don't think you have anything to worry about.

If your ds is very competitive though, he's likely highly performance/ goal orientated, which can lead to performance anxiety issues in an educational setting. Be careful to praise the effort and hard work, rather than the results. Mistakes and perceived 'failure' can be tough for these kids.

@TheSnowyOwl yes I’ve wondered about this myself

@Whatafustercluck he is remarkably chilled (most of the time) for a boy of 5. Obviously he has his moments but I’ve witnessed meltdowns from other children that we know who are NT and theirs are definitely worse than his. He can be a bit of a drama queen if he’s tired or hurts himself, but with him, it’s more whinging than getting angry etc. He’s always been very relaxed about things that typically a ND child wouldn’t be. Hearing tests (which can be quite uncomfortable and invasive), haircuts, dentist, doctors etc. Always been a complete doddle with him. My 2 year old DS though, is another matter 🙈

He sounds neurotypical to me. And I don't like the idea of dismissing parents' concerns. My own son is being assessed for both ASD and ADHD, and I've been dismissed by more people than I could count. But nothing you have described sounds out of the ordinary. And I think you need to prioritise seeking support for your own anxiety. It's hard with young children but you really do have to look after yourself as well.

@NameChange30 my anxiety definitely needs addressing. I have tried over the years but I always seem to slip back into bad habits and the cycle starts again. I feel like I’m constantly exasperating my husband with my worries and obsessions. For what it’s worth in this context, he doesn’t think DS is ND. I try and tell myself he doesn’t know anything because he doesn’t spend anywhere near as much time with him as I do and of course he hasn’t done anywhere as much consulting of Dr Google as I have. But then maybe just maybe because he’s rational and clear headed and I’m not, he might actually have a point. No one else in my immediate family thinks he is ND either, I feel like banging my head against a brick wall as I feel like no one but me can see it, but as people have said, maybe that says more about me than it does about any issues DS may or may not have…

My ds is likely ND. He doesn't really have friends and school say he spends lunchtime on his own a lot of the time. But he is happy. At first the friendship issues really concerned me but actually, he is happy without friends. It worried me as I am happy with friends so I thought he would want the same. But he doesn't. Isn't it most important that he is happy, not that he experiences happiness from the same things you experience happiness from?

Also, just to totally sympathise with your last post. I felt this way for a while, I was thinking it and it was like speaking into a void, husband didn't see it, grandparents didn't see it, preschool didn't see it. He's at a really supportive primary school and they do actually see it, as does husband and extended family on my side (not sure about husbands side). So I feel affirmed, which has actually taken a lot of the anxiety and worry away. We aren't currently seeking a diagnosis as he is coping in school and happy (despite the lack of friends!) So we are seeing how things pan out for now. But someone else seeing what I was seeing has been very reassuring for me. I have a lot of sympathy for you when you feel like you are the only one who can see something in your child.

He sounds completely normal to me

Something else that popped into my head was that he often forgets to look at the camera for photos. He will once prompted and he always says cheese etc if he knows a picture is being taken but sometimes I have to remind him to look at the camera. He doesn’t dislike having pics taken and I can always get him to look eventually but it’s like he’s a bit distracted. No issues with eye contact otherwise. Not sure if this is relevant or again just normal 5 year old behaviour?

I have two autistic children. One will happily make eye contact and look at a camera all day long. The other one tends to look at your forehead, bridge of your nose etc, and struggles with a camera as well.

I think young children can be very easily distracted and looking at a camera just isn’t exciting.