AIBU to expect partner to share household work load

[Birdry]

Long and short of it is; when I ask my partner to help out with cleaning, it's always a I'll do it later or an argument saying he doesn't have anytime for himself and one whole day of the weekend goes in seeing his kid, so asking him to spend the other day doing chores is unfair.

For further context and to not drip feed. When we initially started living together I was unemployed so did all the cooking and cleaning but also contributed lesser towards bills and rent. However as time went on and my salary increased I uped my contributions but the work divide didn't change significantly. Mainly because my partner was working shifts (weekends, nights etc). And I can understand the toll it takes on your overall well-being so I continued to do majority of it. Now we work the same hours and split bills 50/50. So I do expect him to chip in with the cleaning too. Which honestly all I ask is for him to vaccum the whole appartment and take the bins out every other weekend. But it's never done willing, it's always me having to ask a couple of times for it to be done and then met with either an argument or grumbling.
Is this normal? His child lives about 100 miles away so that pretty much takes the whole Sunday. (The mother won't allow the child to visit at ours). I like to clean on the weekend since that's the only time we have a good chunk of time to get it all done. If both of us do it together it doesn't take more than 2- 3 hours. AIBU to expect the help? Shouldn't there be some balance with responsibility towards the child and up keep of the house you live in?
He does help to an extent with daily cooking and washing up but I do about 75% of it, specially if I'm meal prepping.

He sounds like a teenager being cajoled to clean his room. Not attractive.

But, 6 hours of cleaning each week sounds excessive, especially given there are no kids in the home

No you are not being unreasonable you are not his mother you shouldn’t have to be asking/ nagging a partner… be careful there is a very good reason he has a child with an EX! Dont have a child with him to things are more equal without the nagging

4-6 hours of cleaning between you every week when you are both at work and have no children does sound excessive!

he should be doing his fair share but people do have different standards

Sorry if it's wasn't clear, it's only 2/3 hours every other weekend.

He might not be able to help on Sundays but has 6 other days when he can do some bits and bobs.

Whatever you do don’t have a child with him. You will resent him even more than now and he will be even more tired so unlikely to step up.

I’d be interested if his domestic laziness contributed to the breakup of his last relationship. Considering that he’s not gone to court over child contact, I think it’s safe to say that he is lazy in other areas too. A child arrangement order is £210 plus a mediation session and you don’t need a solicitor. Having the child travel to your house will double the work for you and create more mess as there will be an extra person to clean and cook for and that will inevitably be you do maybe it’s best that contact is local to where his son lives.

I'd think the resentment would set in for me in your position OP. He needs to shape up or ship out.

When is your free time, if you're working full-time and doing everything at home?

Don’t have kids with him, you’ll massively regret it.

Dump him.

I’d be interested if his domestic laziness contributed to the breakup of his last relationship.

I would too.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. Ok your partner has to spend his whole Saturday travelling to see his kid but does he realise how much less time he would “get to himself” if he was actually living with his child and raising them 100% of the time instead of just visiting 1 day a week? Like it’s actually laughable that he thinks he has it tough.

Ask your partner to explain why he thinks you should have to do all the housework and see him try to justify his laziness.
Honestly I read posts like this and think “how on earth does this woman bring herself to have sexual relations with this man child?” Don’t be that woman.

Stop referring to it as “help”, that implies it’s your sole responsibility and he’s doing you a favour by “helping”.

If he won’t do it, then he needs to arrange and pay for a cleaner with his own money, including your week too, since you are doing more than your fair share feeding him.

Stop shopping prepping and cooking for him and claim that your free time is precious and you need to be able to relax when you get home.

Are you paying for all the food on top of half of the bills?

I do a quick two hours early on a Saturday morning, and half an hour most evenings. He could quite easily do the same.

He's lazy & making excuses. That's all.

If bills/ rent/ food is 50/50 then cleaning should also be 50/50. This is a man who has become accustomed to someone keeping house for him and is becoming a man child. If he won't do his share, get rid.

Yet another shitty misogynist man who views women as domestic appliances. It’s sad that you’re asking if this is normal. Definitely do not marry or reproduce with him in the hope he’ll ‘change’.
Would you not rather enjoy your life and stop being made a mug of?

If you work the same hours and pay the same towards bills then cleaning should also be 50/50

You need to ask him why he would expect it to be anything else!

Whether he has to take care of his child or not is none of your concern.

You pay 50% of the housing costs, he makes 50% of the mess, he should be contributing 50% to the housework.

What would he do if he lived alone? Never wash his pants? Live in squalor?

He's a grown up. Grown ups look after their own children and clean up their own messes.

I'd move out if I were you. This one is not a keeper.

Alternative, he can pay 100% of your bills and expenses if he wants arrangements to stay as they were before.

But you know, that would mean he is getting a cleaner housekeeper and cook for whatever the bills and food are, and that is not enough to cover the services of such staff! And do you want to live a life of drudgery cleaning this man’s toilets?

That attitude would make me sick of him and I wouldn’t waste time negotiating with him, get him out or move out if it’s his place! The not very bright one can figure out that doing 100% of everything now means he’s worse of in every area of home life.

He must believe that you would never leave him. Where is the respect? Demand respect or take it for yourself and drop this dead weight who is talking about spending time with his own child as though it’s a taxing job he needs to recover from. What a charmer.

What are his good points? Or do you feel trapped due to finances or some other concern?

YANBU

This seems to be an incredibly common problem.

Having to repeatedly ask an adult to perform basic tasks would render him unfuckable in my eyes. The man then arguing and grumbling about being a functional human being would mean he’s dumped.
Whose flat is it? You could just tell him that you’re not enjoying living with him, and will just date him, without the drudgery. He should have no issue with this. (but he wills because he’d lose his housemaid).
Or, pick one of the 4 billion other males on earth. Slobbish misogynists are not attractive.

Also, did he move 100 miles away from his child? Or did his ex move and he didn’t bother to go to court to prevent this? Only sees his kid a few hours a month means he’s a deadbeat, this should be repulsive to anyone

YABU for asking if he should "help" you.

You need to change your mindset so you can see just how bad his behaviour is.

He has a penis, therefore your lack of one denotes you are responsible for doing all the basic adulting work.

Fuck no. The issue here is that you've tolerated it since day 1 and getting people to change is notoriously hard. If it were me, I'd find a partner who didn't believe it was my job to do all the housework.

His childcare responsibilities are his. Not yours. It doesn't absolve him from acting like a grown up and doing his 50% of the share of all household tasks.

The longer we tolerate it, the longer men will continue this misogynistic shit. It is in your power to change. Try it.

agree with everyone else, I'd find this such a turn off I couldn't stay with someone who didn't respect me enough to spend, what, an hour of his life a week vacuuming and doing the bins.

You pay 50% of the housing costs, he makes 50% of the mess, he should be contributing 50% to the housework.

That. Not helping, not chipping in, 50%. Why does he think you should do it all? Ask him. That he's busy and would like to do other things? Well it's not like cleaning the toilet is your special hobby, now is it?

Thank you all for the reassurance that just because he has a child it doesn't absolve him from his duties towards the house he lives in!
I do feel like he's gotten too accustomed to me doing it all, but I've really had enough. If his behaviour doesn't change the relationship status surely will.

Get a cleaner that’s what I did and it comes out of the joint account then other jobs are divided , we call them pink and blue jobs but that’s tongue in cheek really. I do laundry and he does most of cooking , I load dishie and he unpacks , he does bins etc

Seeing your own child is not a “job”, just like feeding yourself and taking a shower is not a job, it’s a necessity. And for most nice people, seeing their child after they’ve not seen them all week is a pleasure!

If he lived alone he would have to shop, clean, cook, do his laundry and admin as well as working.

Just because he lives with a woman he thinks he can offload all of it onto you.

You are a mug if you accept this.

I would never live with man who could not demonstrate basic respect.

Tell him to shape up or ship out. And mean it.