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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let me kid wear/not wear what he wants

52 replies

Texas85 · 11/02/2024 11:16

My DS is 4, nearly 5. In reception. He is very "behind" his peers and always has been - (langauge; emotions) he is still struggling to hold a pencil etc. He is on waiting list for ASD and has been since preschool referred him 18 months ago.

He is into unicorns, glitter, pink, very very bright clothes. He also likes to be naked (at home).

My DH thinks he is too old to be naked at home all the time and we should be encouraging him to wear more regular clothes. The other boys in his year all seemed to be dressed like mini versions of their dad'. And they are all into superheros and pokemon and football. He hates all that stuff. He doesn't have friends as he doesn't get along with the boys, and the girls won't play with him as he is a "smelly boy". He was fine at preschool as he hung out with the girls but this isn't happening now

My question is despite his social challenges I want to just let him wear what he wants really, my DH thinks we need to "parent" him so he's more accepted at school and get him a more subdued wardrobe and telling him he needs to wear pants at least at home

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 11/02/2024 11:18

Let him wear what he wants. My DD14 is very non conforming, she has ASD and ADHD.

What I found is really it's about comfort. She hates seams and labels and will only wear soft clothes.

jeaux90 · 11/02/2024 11:19

The other thing I wanted to say is non conforming kids often turn out also to be gay, so just let him be.

Shayisgreat · 11/02/2024 11:21

I think he needs to start wearing at least pants at home. What if there are friends over, or a surprise visitor?

But if he has strong views about what he wants to wear outside of home let him choose! If he likes glitter let him wear it - who cares if it is "girls clothes" Does his dad have strong views about "normal" behaviour for boys and girls?

notknowledgeable · 11/02/2024 11:22

let him wear what he wants. I would limit naked time though. Concentrate on finding him some really comfortable or stylish underwear he enjoys wearing - this might help in school and other places he could be feeling uncomfortable too - I have had autistic students who still strip naked in school at secondary level. It does not do much for their social integration. Being used to wearing underpants at the very least is a good thing, even if he is allowed, say half an hour naked between bath and pjamas, or similar

InTheRainOnATrain · 11/02/2024 11:23

Fine for unicorns, bright clothes etc. Bare bum on my sofa though 🤢 I’d enforce underpants at least!

BusMumsHoliday · 11/02/2024 11:23

Kindly, how is making your DS wear clothes at home and buying him a blue and black wardrobe going to help him make more friends at school? It's not going to make him suddenly start liking superheroes and football if he doesn't like them now.

I also think he's primarily struggling with friendship because he's autistic, not because of his interests or clothes. I know this is hard to watch: my DS is a similar age and in a similar pre diagnosis place.

If he finds glitter and bright clothes joyful, let him have that joy.

Are there any activities he could do to meet children who share his vibe? Drama club? Art club? I know he might not be able to handle extra structured time around school, but perhaps it's an option.

Comedycook · 11/02/2024 11:24

He needs to at least wear pants at home. This is basic decency and it's your job to teach him that private parts are private and need to be covered up.

Teajenny7 · 11/02/2024 11:30

Does he have to wear a uniform at school?

Marblessolveeverything · 11/02/2024 11:31

To help him engage with child protection lessons (pants rule) he will have in school I would find underwear he can tolerate.

Clothes wise concentrate on finding what is more tolerable. I have mixed views on children picking their clothes. If children can advocate and are not socially challenged, I believe they should chose.

However, I fully appreciate where a child already is an "outlier". Adding clothing out of line with peers could be an additional challenge to him building relationships. It shouldn't but children in a group can become very susceptible to peer pressure even at this age.

Viewfrommyhouse · 11/02/2024 11:32

Let him wear what he wants. Ds didn't really like being dressed indoors until he was nearly 6. Didn't bother me, I left him to it (unless we had visitors, then he had to wear something).

Dara99 · 11/02/2024 11:32

jeaux90 · 11/02/2024 11:19

The other thing I wanted to say is non conforming kids often turn out also to be gay, so just let him be.

Is this true even for kids so young? I thought this was only true for older kids

Createausername1970 · 11/02/2024 11:34

Definitely agree, he needs to wear pants. Maybe cut the labels out, so that they aren't irritating him.

My DS, now 21, formally diagnosed with ASD when he was 20, lived in pants or PJ bottoms at home until he was about 10. He also had an aversion to clothes labels and wanted them removed.

As to the rest, go with the flow, let him do what he enjoys at home. School was a nightmare for my boy, he never fitted in, so I made sure home was his safe space.

SgtJuneAckland · 11/02/2024 11:37

DS likes brightly coloured clothes, has longish hair for a boy and doesn't really like football etc. He has lots of friends at school, mainly boys. I don't think you should teach him that he has to visually conform to be liked. The nudity I think is separate and I would be asking him to wear pants at least. Are there pyjama bottoms or leggings that are soft that he finds comfortable? M&S do velour pyjamas (sounds horrendous but they are really soft and cosy)

jeaux90 · 11/02/2024 11:42

@Dara99 yes. There are quite a few studies on this. But it's also really normal for kids to like dressing up or playing with toys stereotypically associated with the opposite sex.

Either way though it's fine IMO.

Moier · 11/02/2024 11:44

You could be writing about my Grandson.. he always said was silly in clothing department they had a section for girls and boys.. he wore leggings.. pink trainers.. anything he wanted really .
He's just turned nine and is now into camouflage colours.
And to whoever said they turn out to be gay.. give your head a wobble.
My 18 year old Grandson was the same and he's been with his girlfriend two years.
Educate yourself.

Windydaysandwetnights · 11/02/2024 11:46

My best behaved ds is gay.... Look for pants with no seams op.

Original poster
Texas85 · 11/02/2024 11:49

Seems consensus on the naked thing. He knows to keep clothes on at other times but at weekend he gets dressed (he loves picking clothes) but at some point during the day he'll take all his clothes off. I was fairly relaxed about it tbh - is it his age that means people think I should be encouraging pants? It's just me, dh and his baby sister at home. No others dropping in.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 11/02/2024 11:49

Bright colours are just more fun! I would definitely let him have the clothes he prefers, but as with others, I think he must wear pants.

bridgetreilly · 11/02/2024 11:50

Yes, at his age he isn’t a baby any more and so nakedness is no longer acceptable. He’s not in nappies so he must wear pants for hygiene reasons too.

notknowledgeable · 11/02/2024 11:51

Its his age, yes, but not because of people dropping in at home, but because you want him to be fully haibutated to wearing pants for when he is older, and going out more!

NuffSaidSam · 11/02/2024 11:52

I'd insist on him wearing pants at home and uniform (if there is one) at school, but outside of that I'd let him wear whatever he wants as long as it was weather appropriate.

I'd also look into a different school. I don't many where in reception they're already so judgemental/split along gender lines. This will be coming from the parents (parents like your husband) and will only get worse as they get older. If you have the opportunity look for a school in a more broadminded area/with a different intake.

Original poster
Texas85 · 11/02/2024 11:56

He wears the uniform but he's covered his bag in glitter stickers, has a unicorn water bottle, and there are lots of birthday parties so plenty of opportunity for him to stand out. He tells me he is sad that he has no friends so i want to help him. Occasionally he will say "I don't want that cos it's for girls" but then he always goes back to it, I think he's just repeating what he's heard at school. I tell him everyone can like anything they like.

OP posts:
Dara99 · 11/02/2024 11:58

Texas85 · 11/02/2024 11:56

He wears the uniform but he's covered his bag in glitter stickers, has a unicorn water bottle, and there are lots of birthday parties so plenty of opportunity for him to stand out. He tells me he is sad that he has no friends so i want to help him. Occasionally he will say "I don't want that cos it's for girls" but then he always goes back to it, I think he's just repeating what he's heard at school. I tell him everyone can like anything they like.

My son is like this. Loves unicorns, favourite colour is pink, all his toys are girls, etc etc. He has lots of friends in reception. It's never been an issue. Sounds like a school problem.

Original poster
Texas85 · 11/02/2024 11:59

@NuffSaidSam I had similar thoughts. But other family members have told me thus is just what kids are like

OP posts:
Tandora · 11/02/2024 12:00

Aww OP, let him wear whatever he wants. Gender stereotypes are so harmful. Liking glitter and unicorns won’t be the reason he struggles socially, especially at this age. Just let him be himself. ❤️