Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off he doesn’t know my DOB?

52 replies

Allinadayswork80 · 10/02/2024 21:42

Partner of just over 5yrs. I know everything about him as well as his family’s birthdays etc or those that I don’t I put in the calendar to remind him to wish them happy birthday/buy a card etc.

Today I asked him to collect my prescription, as he was passing the chemist. I was going to be looking after the kids, walking the dog and hosting our DD’s birthday party whilst he was off fixing a car for a friend (despite us having tons of jobs that need doing ourselves!). It was our DD’s birthday during the week which we both took a day off work to spend with her and take her out for the day. Today my brother and niece were visiting who I only see a couple of times a year as they live several hours away. They’re staying at my parents for the weekend so we decided to do a little party this afternoon for our DD with family and some friends/their kiddies. He decided to prioritise his friend’s car. Fine, his loss. However the ONE and only thing I asked of him to do was collect my prescription. He asked what he needed so I said just say my name, our address and my DOB. Which then led to an agonising few minutes of him desperately trying to remember it. Got the date wrong (confused with his brother’s 2 days before mine) and had no idea what year! Just became a guessing game. I let it go. This evening I ask for my prescription, he stares blankly at me and then it dawns on him, “oh shit, sorry I forgot”. So I’m annoyed. I said “I asked you to do ONE thing for me today whilst everything else was for yourself”. He comes back with “alright I’ve said I’m sorry, what more do you want!” Then says he’ll pick it up on Monday which will be two days of no medication. Then asks again where/how. Gets the chemist wrong. Then says “I’ll set a reminder on my phone so I won’t forget” I said he may aswell put my DOB down as well incase he forgets that again. He comes back with “oh you just had to drop that in there aswell didn’t you, I said sorry and it’s not enough” and he just “couldn’t quite remember for a moment”.

So now I’m the one in the wrong for being annoyed. No shouting or screaming, just quietly annoyed/upset. I’ve come to bed as don’t want to have a full blown argument and he is angry and sorry for himself as clearly I’m the horrible one for making him feel bad. How would you feel? Should I have just let it go and said not to worry?

OP posts:
YourLocal · 10/02/2024 21:55

how hard is it to remember a birthday of someone you know really well?!

PocketBattleship · 10/02/2024 21:57

He's probably angry with himself but projecting it onto you, because that's what people do.

SilverSimca · 10/02/2024 22:00

It took me years to remember DH’s DOB and I’m still never entirely sure. We have been together for 23 years. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him. I also don’t know my own mobile phone number. Numbers don’t stick in my brain.

MixingPlaydough · 10/02/2024 22:03

Yeah that's pretty shit to be honest 5 years in and he can't even remember something so simple as your birthday. It's not exactly a high bar of expectation to know when your other half's birthday is, is it.

SKG231 · 10/02/2024 22:04

I have an issue with remembering numbers and dates. I can be told one multiple times and it slips straight out of my brain.

Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 10/02/2024 22:05

PocketBattleship · 10/02/2024 21:57

He's probably angry with himself but projecting it onto you, because that's what people do.

Yes you’re probably bang on here actually. He can be like that sometimes. It’s just infuriating. I don’t get everything right and trip up sometimes so I know it’s horrible when you’ve done something wrong and don’t want to be made to pay penance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 10/02/2024 22:07

SilverSimca · 10/02/2024 22:00

It took me years to remember DH’s DOB and I’m still never entirely sure. We have been together for 23 years. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him. I also don’t know my own mobile phone number. Numbers don’t stick in my brain.

Thank you for your perspective, I guess not everyone is the same. It can just be upsetting when I go to such efforts for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 10/02/2024 22:08

SKG231 · 10/02/2024 22:04

I have an issue with remembering numbers and dates. I can be told one multiple times and it slips straight out of my brain.

To be fair that is a different perspective and he is terrible with dates generally. I just find it upsetting that he can’t go to the effort of trying to remember.

OP posts:
Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 10/02/2024 22:10

MixingPlaydough · 10/02/2024 22:03

Yeah that's pretty shit to be honest 5 years in and he can't even remember something so simple as your birthday. It's not exactly a high bar of expectation to know when your other half's birthday is, is it.

Thanks. I don’t think so but clearly it is! It’s just that little bit of thought for me when I pretty much bear the entire mental load of the family and household.

OP posts:
pensione · 10/02/2024 22:16

I know everything about him as well as his family’s birthdays etc or those that I don’t I put in the calendar to remind him to wish them happy birthday/buy a card etc.

YANBU and stop the wife work! It’s not
your job to make him look good to his family.

GreySantaRabbit · 10/02/2024 22:18

I know it’s horrible when you’ve done something wrong and don’t want to be made to pay penance

this isn't normal in a relationship...

GirlInterrupt · 10/02/2024 22:19

As someone who recently got my own son’s dob wrong it would not upset me. Some people are just not good at these things, or maybe he just blanked. 😐

LessOfMe99 · 10/02/2024 22:20

Agree with @pensione . Why in earth do you buy cards for his family members. That is his job. It's betting he doesn't have to buy for your family because you can adult for yourself?

Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 10/02/2024 22:23

GreySantaRabbit · 10/02/2024 22:18

I know it’s horrible when you’ve done something wrong and don’t want to be made to pay penance

this isn't normal in a relationship...

I meant in general, not specifically in our relationship. To be fair he is usually quite forgiving if I get something wrong, although that’s maybe because I generally carry the mental load for pretty much everything in our lives.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 10/02/2024 22:24

My memory is terrible so I use calendars and reminders, and take responsibility if I fuck up instead of blaming others.

Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 10/02/2024 22:26

LessOfMe99 · 10/02/2024 22:20

Agree with @pensione . Why in earth do you buy cards for his family members. That is his job. It's betting he doesn't have to buy for your family because you can adult for yourself?

Yes you’re absolutely right. But I just wouldn’t want them to be upset that he’d forgotten and I know he would feel bad. His huge downfall is he’s incredibly disorganised and forgetful. What’s annoying is he knows this and it just becomes an excuse rather than incentive to try and improve.

OP posts:
Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 10/02/2024 22:31

pensione · 10/02/2024 22:16

I know everything about him as well as his family’s birthdays etc or those that I don’t I put in the calendar to remind him to wish them happy birthday/buy a card etc.

YANBU and stop the wife work! It’s not
your job to make him look good to his family.

Thanks and yes you’re right. But I wouldn’t want them to be upset. What’s more annoying is that he’ll happily take all the credit for it. Even when I’m right there watching him get the thanks and hugs of gratitude! But I just allow them to have the ‘knowledge’ that he’s thought about them as it makes them happy to think that.

OP posts:
Londonscallingme · 10/02/2024 22:33

My OH is terrible with dates, I don’t think he reliably knows my birthday. I have chosen not to ket it annoy me because he is a wonderful partner. All the other stuff your DH did would really piss me off but not the birthday thing.

Nagado · 10/02/2024 22:36

He comes back with “oh you just had to drop that in there aswell didn’t you, I said sorry and it’s not enough” No, it’s not enough. It’s nowhere bloody near enough. It doesn’t matter if he has to ask your DoB because he’s crap with dates. That’s annoying but it’s not the end of the world. But he’s doing sod all, you’re carrying the load for the entire family and he can’t sort out doing one tiny little thing for you? That’s shit. What is the point of him?

Blanketbaby7 · 10/02/2024 22:37

My hubby has a brilliant memory, except dates. We accept this isn't his thing and it's an onrunning thing that we laugh about. "Is my mum 80 this year?" "Omg, don't let your mum hear you say that, she's 74!". That kinda thing.

Suspect this is more you feeling overwhelmed and annoyed he didn't help. Forget this time, he can't help now, but next time I'd be more assertive "you can help your mate with the car on ......, but this Saturday is busy and we'll need us both to help out".

Blanketbaby7 · 10/02/2024 22:39

P.s. a bit crappy you have to be assertive, I know. You'd hope as a grown up, he'd get this by now. But sounds like he's gonna need a hand hold here...

pensione · 11/02/2024 00:09

Allinadayswork80 · 10/02/2024 22:31

Thanks and yes you’re right. But I wouldn’t want them to be upset. What’s more annoying is that he’ll happily take all the credit for it. Even when I’m right there watching him get the thanks and hugs of gratitude! But I just allow them to have the ‘knowledge’ that he’s thought about them as it makes them happy to think that.

Show quote history

How can you stand his toad face when he takes the credit and doesn’t even have the decency to say Allina deserves the credit?

They won’t get upset, they would have been used to it before you came along!

Please stop covering for him.

TigerJoy · 11/02/2024 00:17

Allinadayswork80 · 10/02/2024 22:26

Yes you’re absolutely right. But I just wouldn’t want them to be upset that he’d forgotten and I know he would feel bad. His huge downfall is he’s incredibly disorganised and forgetful. What’s annoying is he knows this and it just becomes an excuse rather than incentive to try and improve.

Show quote history

This is called "weaponised incompetence"

Presumably he manages to work and can't be forgetful and disorganised there?

He can figure out how to remember the birthdays of family members on his own like a big boy.

I think your anger isn't just about your DoB but the fact you do all the work and have all the mental load for your household. And his hopelessness is leaving you without medication, which is serious!

Start offloading tasks on him. I absolutely would not have stood for DH to piss off to tinker about on someone's car instead of host a birthday party.

I hope you left all the tidying up for him when he got back.

johnd2 · 11/02/2024 00:18

I think you're mixing up general resentment about what he does and what you do with this particular lightning rod issue that you feel like you can seize on.
Honestly it sounds like you think a good family member remembers all birthdays, so you are keen to show yourself and him as a good family member, to the extent of "covering up" for him. But for him it's not how he shows it, so you're getting frustrated and resentful and he just wants to change the topic.
Send cards if you want to but don't claim you're doing it as a favour to him!
I suspect there are more similar things you're doing where you're expecting credit for being his saviour and he's wondering why you're putting effort into whatever it is. And resentment.

Notalldogs23 · 11/02/2024 00:21

I can sort of get the not remembering your date of birth - I am awful at remembering DOBS- but his getting arsey at you for being cross with him for forgetting your prescription is a dick move. As is opting out of a family birthday celebration for your daughter so he could hang out with his friend.

I think you have every right to be annoyed, he is in the wrong, knows it, and is getting defensive because of it.

I wouldn't be doing the birthday cards, presents etc for his family - you're not married so they're not related to you, so why should you? You could remind him a few days in advance, and get your kids to make them a card/present, but if he wants to give them a present, either just from him or from both of you, that's for him to sort.