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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When your adult children move back home

28 replies

Fraudornot · 10/02/2024 21:29

Would love to know what people do. Do you expect them to pay into the household if working or do you pay for them to help them save for house etc. We are not sure what to do as we don’t need the money but equally I think resentment builds up if they are earning without contributing. What is reasonable in your opinion?

OP posts:
mitogoshi · 10/02/2024 21:31

Depends on whether they are earning well, debts, finance, personality type ....

mitogoshi · 10/02/2024 21:31

We don't charge but dc are saving

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/02/2024 21:32

My parents wouldn't charge rent on the condition that children are saving

vodkaredbullgirl · 10/02/2024 21:33

My daughter came back after Uni and is still here, she gave me some money or would buy food. She didn't have much of a paid job. Now she is working full time and still her she pays her way.

Zoombaroomba · 10/02/2024 21:33

I wouldn't charge if I could easily accommodate them, but the expectation would be that they would be saving for their own place :) and set clear ground rules and maintain good communication so resentment doesn't build up!

vodkaredbullgirl · 10/02/2024 21:35

My daughter still has enough money to save, she doesn't spend much of what's left. Has more money saved than I do.

ViciousCurrentBun · 10/02/2024 21:36

DS gives us £65 per week, his GF stays over 3/4 nights a week as well and it covers food. In theory we don’t need it but he is earning close to 30k. He is also saving.

Original poster
Fraudornot · 10/02/2024 21:37

The thing is I have no problem with not giving a monthly amount but I do think they should chip in with the odd take away or household contribution via buying things. Like it’s easy for them to take things for granted and actually have a better gross income than us.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/02/2024 21:38

Personally, I would want them to aggressively save their money, but I would absolutely have very clear expectations laid down before they move back in. Remember, this is your home and your rules apply.

They would be expected to do their fair share of cooking and cleaning. Their room must be kept clean. They are responsible for their own laundry. If they make a mess in the kitchen, it is to be cleaned up immediately. They may not have overnight guests without giving prior notice and getting your permission. They should buy groceries for the family on occasion and if there is anything out of the ordinary from your standard food shop that they want, they need to buy it.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/02/2024 21:39

Fraudornot · 10/02/2024 21:37

The thing is I have no problem with not giving a monthly amount but I do think they should chip in with the odd take away or household contribution via buying things. Like it’s easy for them to take things for granted and actually have a better gross income than us.

If they are earning that much then they can buy all of the groceries. That's more than fair.

Boomboomshakeshaketheroom · 10/02/2024 21:41

I'm interested in this too.

Those of you saying you don't charge if they're saving, how do you know if they are? Surely you're not asking 20+ year olds to show you their bank balance every month? What do you do if they have a couple of blow out months and their savings go backwards?

Wishihadanalgorithm · 10/02/2024 21:43

I think I’d charge them. You can always save the money for them on the sly and give it to them later on.

Set chores would be useful as is cooking one meal for everyone one night a week.

A young man I work with, returned to his parents for a while and they did this. I think it made him not take anything for granted and prevented resentment building.

nokidshere · 10/02/2024 21:43

I've got one at home at the moment. He pays a 3rd of the utilities bills - the things that change because he's here.

Original poster
Fraudornot · 10/02/2024 21:44

They will be buying their own food

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/02/2024 21:44

I think you also need to talk about their exit plan. I would hope them moving back home is a temporary measure, therefore they need to be saving in order to move out.

Windydaysandwetnights · 10/02/2024 21:44

Dd moved back for a month. Until she got a new place after a breakup. She cooked tea as a contribution... Since there was now 9 of us it was much appreciated!!

Fionaville · 10/02/2024 21:44

I moved back home for a couple of years in my early 20s. My parents wouldn't take any money (they are normal working class parents, they didnt have high wages) I used to pay for take aways etc to thank them. It meant I could buy another property quicker. I'll do the same for my children. Home is their safe place, they dont need to pay rent to be here. I'll do what I can to help them succeed.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/02/2024 21:45

Fraudornot · 10/02/2024 21:44

They will be buying their own food

Why can't they buy yours? That can be their financial contribution to the household.

forrestgreen · 10/02/2024 22:19

Mine might be
Basically she's covering all costs on top of what my normal bills would be and buying her own food.
So I'll loose my single person council tax, electricity and water will be more

WiFi and heating will be the same

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 10/02/2024 22:39

Depends - young adults. They stay for free, I don't provide them any money, they use this time to save and work out they're going to do.

If this moves into staying for a few years as they "save for a house deposit" then I will expect to see savings accumulating and some contributions. Maybe a portion utility bills (that will teach them to not be wasteful) and food.

Adults moving back after many years absence - they take on half the bills and either half the food or buy their own. And I'd still like to see their plan for being independent.

saraclara · 10/02/2024 22:57

My daughter came back when her relationship ended. I knew that she was going to be saving intensely to get her own place (she's always been a saver) so didn't want rent, but she said she wanted to say least pay the extra council tax (I'm single so paid the reduced rate until then) and she bought her own food, plus picking up and paying for a lot of shared basics.

I think it's a bit different if it's post uni and they'll be around for a while, but this was temporary and she was 30, so was on a mission to buy her own place asap.

swingtowin · 10/02/2024 23:06

All of ours have lived at home when adults after Uni, and we didn't charge them until one of the moved a partner in for several years to save for a house,and then we charged them a nominal rate for food as I wasn't subsidising them!

Allywill · 10/02/2024 23:21

we ask for a minimal amount (200 a month) that in reality doesn’t cover her consumables like food and utilities. she’s on my car insurance - paid for by me (extra £600 a year) and gets a lift to and from work pretty much every day. if we get a takeaway we get hers (and often at weekend boyfriend as well). she only drinks bottled water which is 30 a month alone and her and boyfriend have (rib eye organic grass fed) steak once a week at ours which is around £20 for 2. so we are definitely not breaking even - never mind profiting.

NewName24 · 10/02/2024 23:30

Ours have paid a minimal amount of 'housekeeping' which - after having paid rent and bills whilst at University - they considered to be really generous of us.
But both of them have been seriously saving to get to a place where they can move out.

Terribletooths · 10/02/2024 23:35

My parents own their business and have their house paid off so my siblings who have moved home help out with the business for a lower fee and contribute to utilities and food.