Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lack of bereavement support from MIL

49 replies

Cakeisbest · 10/02/2024 19:15

Can you give me some perspective here as I can't seem to figure this out. My sibling died unexpectedly two days ago after a short illness. My DH told his mum and she asked him to tell me she was thinking of me. I haven't heard a thing from her since. Two days have gone and no phone call to ask how I'm doing, no WhatsApp message to ask similar - just radio silence.
About 10 years ago when her own sibling was hospitalised and sadly passed, it was me who took them and her to A&E and waited the usual many hours for admission. I visited her sibling in hospital with her and consoled her on their passing. I expected her to have more empathy with how I'm feeling. Is it likely she finds it too upsetting as it reminds her of her own loss? Should I be the one to have more empathy?
MIL stays with us often and extensively when she needs looking after, by me, mainly. I'm very hurt. But I'm aware I'm likely hyper focusing on this, so please, give me your take on it.

OP posts:
Greendoorsaremyfavourite · 10/02/2024 19:18

I'm sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how hard it must be.
Could this just be a case or her wanting to give you space and time to grieve? It's only been 2 days.

doilooklikeicare · 10/02/2024 19:18

People all are different with grief, she may think you don't want to be contacted.

It's so difficult to know right from wrong. I'm sure she's not doing this out of malice, maybe just not knowing what to do?

I'm sorry for your loss, would you like to talk about your sibling? It sounds like it's been an extremely difficult time. xx

Myyearmytime · 10/02/2024 19:18

So sorry for your loss.
Sorry your mil has not step up.

You find out who your freinds are when someone dies .

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 10/02/2024 19:19

Perhaps she is giving you some space? Perhaps she is struggling or got other things going on herself she doesn't want to burden you with. Some people really struggle to know how to give support in a bereavement. I find it easier to let it go if you can, it's a extra stress you don't need right now. So sorry for your loss 😔💐

OldTinHat · 10/02/2024 19:19

Maybe she's giving you space or maybe she's had painful memories resurface that she needs to deal with first.

Greendoorsaremyfavourite · 10/02/2024 19:19

There's no harm in you reaching out to her of you need her support. Like someone else has said, it's hard to know what the right think is to do. She's clearly thinking of you as she text DH.

Createausername1970 · 10/02/2024 19:20

Is she giving you space? Not wanting to intrude. Have you responded directly to her and said thank you for her kind thoughts. She might be waiting to hear from you.

I am for your recent loss 💐

Viewfrommyhouse · 10/02/2024 19:21

Sounds like she's giving you space. What do you want from her?

Cherrysoup · 10/02/2024 19:21

Tricky. Is she giving you space or is she lacking in the milk of human kindness? Only you know her. I wouldn't be rushing to support her in future if it's the latter and why is your dp not doing the looking after if she's unwell?

I'm really sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how difficult this is.

Bkjahshue · 10/02/2024 19:22

I think a lot of people don’t know how to do deal with loss. I used to be very close to my mil but after the lack of support when I nearly lost a parent it changed our relationship irreparably. With the benefit of time I can see that she just didn’t know how to be there for me but it’s still changed things.
im sorry for your loss

ChatterMonkey · 10/02/2024 19:23

It could be that she doesnt want to intrude on your grief. The comparison to when her sibling passed is not really a fair comparison, as her sibling would be your DP's aunt/uncle, so would have a connection to you through that. Wheras your sibling doesnt have any actual connection to your mil.

Sending my love op, must be a hard time for you. But try not to feel too badly about your MIL because of it.

SomeCatFromJapan · 10/02/2024 19:24

I'm really sorry for your loss OP, I've been through the same recently and it can be a particularly unacknowledged loss for some reason.

Bluju · 10/02/2024 19:27

Sorry for your loss, but she will be giving you some space, not knowing what to you, remembering how she felt and probably thinking people couldn't do right by her so she doesn't know what to do. Don't overthink it. Has she been back in touch with your DH?

ManchesterLu · 10/02/2024 19:31

She's said to let you know she's thinking of you. I'm not sure I'd expect any more than that (or indeed want anything more) from my interns.

Lavender14 · 10/02/2024 19:31

I think op that it's very possible this has triggered her own grief but I also think she might be trying to give you some space and has let you know she's thinking of you via your dh. I would mention to your dh that you find it odd. He could then either reassure his mum that you'd welcome contact from her or maybe reassure you that she finds it hard to know how to react in moments like these. Either way, I'm so sorry you're going through this and I'm sorry for your loss. Your feelings are understandable but it does sound like you are important to your mil and I'm not getting the sense that her lack of communication is anything malicious or thoughtless.

Willyoujustbequiet · 10/02/2024 19:31

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I've been in the same position as you. Losing a sibling suddenly is so incredibly traumatic and difficult to understand unless you have experienced it. Personally I think it's something you never fully recover from.

My money is on that it's triggered her and she's struggling.

Original poster
Cakeisbest · 10/02/2024 19:35

Thank you all for your condolences.
ChatterMonkey. I think I expected her to understand what it's like to lose a sibling, and I was right by her side. I do not feel she's by my side. She's gone dark ( no contact).

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 10/02/2024 19:41

I think there’s an expectation of supporting upward, that people older than us need more support, have fewer supports their own age. Does she have a partner?

When you supported her, she probably didn’t have parents to grieve with, so looked to her children and their partners.

Do you still have parents? I imagine you are grieving with them and your husband.

I can’t imagine my in laws expecting to comfort me. They didn’t when I lost my dad, just stayed out the way and sent a message of condolence.

Original poster
Cakeisbest · 10/02/2024 19:45

Good point, she is and was a widow and I do have my husband. I'll contact her tomorrow, I can't be doing with the added stress if she feels awkward. It'll only drag on if I don't. Thanks everyone. Xx

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 10/02/2024 19:50

I am sorry for your loss, @Cakeisbest

She may well be a good support in the longer run rather than in the immediate shock of the moment. It’s a slow business, grief, after the initial shock.

FillFall · 10/02/2024 19:51

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is a funny thing to be thinking of but grief does weird things. She could be giving you space especially as she knows you have your DH. Do you have other family support. She could also just find it too upsetting. My Mum is the most wonderful and kindest person in the world but she is rubbish when it comes to dealing with grief. She gets really overwhelmed and upset.
Do you actually want your MIL to contact you? If so why not tell your husband. Assuming she is generally a nice person then he can give her the heads up. Agasin, assuming she is a nice person she would be upset to think you are angry with her.
If she isn't a nice person then I'm not sure why it would bother you?

FillFall · 10/02/2024 19:53

Sorry, I cross posted with the OP.
Thats a good idea to contact her.

theduchessofspork · 10/02/2024 19:54

It might just be that she assumes you’d rather be supported by your own family and friends rather than your old MIL - loosing a sibling when young is quite major and makes some people tread carefully.

Or maybe she is just being a bit useless

But either way I’d have your DH tell her you need support and would like ABC from
her and she needs to step up

Mmmm19 · 10/02/2024 19:57

I am so sorry for your loss. Such a difficult time for you but everyone grieves differently and it can be hard to know what to do for the best. I wouldn’t want or expect more than a message from my mother in law (or most people to be honest). I got a card or message from people when my dad died recently but nothing else. If I had had a fit and well MIL, help with the kids or meal prep would have been appreciated.

DoraSpenlow · 10/02/2024 19:58

Firstly, I am very sorry for your loss.

We all grieve differently. But when I have lost someone close (too many) I dread the knocks on the door or calls from admittedly caring people offering condolences and help. I hate all the sympathy cards dropping through the letterbox. I need a few days of quiet to process things and really value those who just message me saying they are sorry to hear the news and a "you know where I am if you need anything" . In that way I can take my time and talk when I am ready. I know that those who care for me Will be sorry to hear I have lost a loved one. Otherwise I feel suffocated and not able to deal with being hugged by people with sympathetic faces. It just makes me feel even worse. Other people prefer to be surrounded by company at times like that.

Perhaps your MIL just wants to give you space until you feel ready to face the world. If you would like her company perhaps you could ask her to call round for a chat.

Swipe left for the next trending thread