Lack of bereavement support from MIL

[Cakeisbest]

Can you give me some perspective here as I can't seem to figure this out. My sibling died unexpectedly two days ago after a short illness. My DH told his mum and she asked him to tell me she was thinking of me. I haven't heard a thing from her since. Two days have gone and no phone call to ask how I'm doing, no WhatsApp message to ask similar - just radio silence.
About 10 years ago when her own sibling was hospitalised and sadly passed, it was me who took them and her to A&E and waited the usual many hours for admission. I visited her sibling in hospital with her and consoled her on their passing. I expected her to have more empathy with how I'm feeling. Is it likely she finds it too upsetting as it reminds her of her own loss? Should I be the one to have more empathy?
MIL stays with us often and extensively when she needs looking after, by me, mainly. I'm very hurt. But I'm aware I'm likely hyper focusing on this, so please, give me your take on it.

You find out who gives a fuck about you when you experience trauma and loss, it's usually a small handful sadly and a big reality check
Sorry for your loss xx

It just wouldn’t occur to me that my MIL should contact me in such circumstances. I think your DH passing on a message to say she’s thinking of you is fine. It’s only been two days.

I had a MC before, DH told his family and I stayed at home that day. I couldn't face it. I was really surprised and hurt that neither of my SIL reached out to me. Until a few days later and one texted "I'm so sorry for all you're going through, I know DB said you don't want to talk but I want you to know I'm here for you" or something to that effect. So that explained that.

@oldfarm wow! I'm not sure that a script has been written about grief and what you should be doing? OP doesn't have to think about her sibling, she may want to think about her support network and think about herself and how she wants to deal with this.

Think on that not everyone grieves the same way!

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think it's quite normal not to want to bother the bereaved person with lots of messages- asking your DH to pass on her condolences and then leaving you in peace is very normal and many people would appreciate that more than lots of contact- we are all different. So I wouldn't assume that it's a lack of empathy, just different approaches.

Absolutely.

Sorry for your loss. I've been in a similar place. Take care of yourself x

Well I think she has been quite awful in not sending a text at the very basic minimum. What space is she invading by not even sending a text??
Also she comes to you to care for her needs but that isn't personal space? Nah, she's been awful and I would be very hurt and would completely see her in a different way.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

It really doesn’t take much effort to touch base with someone and say, “I heard about your loss. How can I support you?”

When you've had a sudden, major bereavement it can feel as raw as if your skin has been flayed off. People might think that you're so distraught about the loss that you barely notice what else is going on around you, and I'm sure that is true of many people, but it can also be the case that things can be incredibly comforting or incredibly hurtful, even seemingly small things.

First I am so sorry for your loss. Second, grief and grieving makes people so weird - she may think you need time, she may have been triggered to remember her own losses or she may just be one of those people who cannot overcome their own discomfort to reach out to someone bereaved - unfortunately there are a lot of them out there. I am so sorry.

Op I’m so sorry ;( it sounds like you are in a lot of pain.

some people don’t really know how to deal with stuff like this when it isn’t happening to them. My mom is like this… it’s not that she doesn’t care, it’s that it’s hard for her to express her empathy.

she’s had best friends pass on and not say a word. Won’t even visit the siblings she’s so crippled by it.

It’s a learn skilled, empathy, we can’t show it unless it’s been modeled to us.

This

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP

Depending on her age and level of formality she may well have sent a sympathy card with a heartfelt message in immediately she heard of your loss but as it's the weekend it hasn't arrived yet.

I agree with others that she might be assuming your DH and parents will be supporting you most and that she isn't the person you want to spend time with right now.

Am sure you will know better if you have a little chat with her.

Sorry for your loss.

Firstly, so sorry for your loss.
I lost my DM this year and it's really hit me hard. I can quite honestly say that I had no idea previously how difficult it would be and I've probably seemed like a cold fish in hindsight when other have lost loved ones. I now know, the hard way!
So, it seems a bit odd that your MIL hasn't contacted you directly, given that you were there for her when she lost a sibling. My ex-in-laws even rang me to see how I was.
However, she may be giving you a couple of days to yourself as maybe that's what she would have wanted. I'd be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt and see what happens as tbh, you've got more important things to think about.

I am sorry about the loss of your sister… it’s very very hard ( I have lost a sister too)
Your MIL may have decided to give you some space or she may not know what to say… just send a txt and see what response is if you would like to see her xxx

Thank you to everyone who has posted, there are some really thought provoking insights, I agree with the PP who said empathy is a learned skill and some people don't master it. Hugs to everyone who has suffered a loss. Just you all 'seeing me' and understanding my grief has really helped. Personally, I always think it's better to say something rather than nothing, and that's probably the root of this issue as DMIL and me clearly have different approaches.

So, DH went earlier to take his DM shopping and I have now received a WhatsApp message saying she's thinking of me, and my siblings immediate family, which is nice, albeit awkwardly prompted by my DH. I don't believe her delay is malicious, just unsure what to do, after all she has only known me for 30+ years. Yep. Not great is it. Oh well, moving on... Thanks again lovely Mumnetters.

Pacifybull · Yesterday 20:05
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It just wouldn’t occur to me that my MIL should contact me in such circumstances. I think your DH passing on a message to say she’s thinking of you is fine. It’s only been two days”

This. She may have posted a card or letter. That’s what I would do.

@Cakeisbest if you like I can recommend you a really supportive fb group that is specifically for sibling bereavement, if/when you're ready? I've found it useful to have a space where it is just other people who properly get it.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Grief and bereavement affect people so differently. Some want to reach out, some turn inwards, and it's very easy to guess the wrong thing.

Please don't assume she doesn't care. Mostly people care but don't know how best to approach death in a sensitive way.

My MIL and I have very, very different approaches to bereavement, and unwittingly hurt one another while thinking we were helping. It wasn't a lack of care, just misinterpreting what the other one needed.

Sorry for your loss. My mum died last year and MIL didn’t directly text or call me for 4 months. She’s a fucking bereavement counsellor. That hurt a lot.

Wow. That's bad. So sorry, losing your mum is awful. Xx