To Feel like the worst person ever

[Talkingtummy]

So, 3 years ago I found out I was pregnant with my second baby, my first was 6 months old and my marriage was a mess. After a lot of back and forth I terminated the pregnancy at 6 weeks. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through and I still feel so guilty about what I did. I felt I had to do it to put the child I already had first and 3 years on I cant bare to think about it. I paid for private counselling as I just found the whole thing so traumatic.

You did what was right for you and the child you already had

How can putting the child you have first ever make you a bad person?

Hugs OP Be kind to yourself. You didn’t act out of malice but one of love & maturity. Life isn’t easy & sometimes we have make hard decisions.
I hope you are ok x

I dunno. I suppose I just wanted to be a great mum and dont mothers just have babies regardless as they love it so much.

I am usually quite a pragmatic person and never had any issues with anything before, this decision absolutely floored me. I have honestly never felt emotional pain like it.

You did the right thing for everyone and you have nothing at all to feel guilty about. Lots of love to you xx

I cant here news about abortion rights etc as I just find it so triggering, I also look at parents with children very close in age and my heart hurts so bad.

You can only make decisions based on the information you have and circumstances you're in at the time. It was the right decision.

It sounds like you perhaps didn't grieve at the time, perhaps you didn't feel upto facing it amongst other things going on at the time, or maybe you didn't think you deserved to because it was a decision you made.

How would it feel to take some time now to grieve for the child you didnt get to have - look after yourself and sit with your sadness?

Sometimes we have to make hard and painful choices, but we can't change them, so we must live with them and move forwards.

Do you think everybody has something they carry with them and struggle with? I feel so envious of people who have never had to make that decision.

No they bloody don't. Good mothers put their (real, existing) children first, even when it means making tough decisions. Which is exactly what you did. You're a good mother who made a responsible choice, and you don't deserve to feel guilty about it

Also, of it is any consolation, my children have just a year between them and they do not get on at all. They would both definitely have been better being only children.

No. No they don’t.

A good mum, which you are, prioritises their existing child or children and does the right thing by not bringing more children into a situation which isn’t right for anyone involved.

But they may have made other equally as traumatic decisions of another nature. Everyone does.

I’m sorry you are finding it so difficult, even after so much time. Plenty of people make the same choice that is right for them and their family. Your clearly far from the worst person ever!

You can do the right thing and still feel terrible about it. I had a termination 25 years ago and still think about it sometimes with sadness. But it was the right choice, I know that logically. Emotionally is a different thing. Give yourself permission to grieve and forgive yourself. You did the right thing.

Great mums make the difficult, heartbreaking, excruciating decisions for their families that no one else could ever have the strength or courage to make - the decisions that put the needs of their children first even at the expense of themselves.

You did something incredibly difficult, and mourning what could have been is totally normal. But you are a great mum, because you put the child you already had and their needs first.

Absolutely this.

Good mothers prioritise their existing children and make sensible, good decisions that aren't always easy.

Wow! I have tears falling onto my laptop reading these replies.

I have a feeling OP, that had you gone ahead with the pregnancy and had your kids that close in age, you’d still feel this way but for different reasons. You’d probably feel overwhelming guilt about your first child having their babyhood ‘stolen’ by another baby and you not being able to give them 1-1 time.

I suspect you’d still beat yourself up to the same degree, for just for different reasons.

I think it’s common to have regrets about a decision made in the past but you made the decision that was right for you at the time. You need to be kind to yourself but definitely sounds like some counselling will help you work through your feelings. Sending love

Almost every woman has baby sadness, that they carry with them for life. That includes terminations, that were the right decision for you at the time, but it doesn't stop the fact that many women feel the hurt and sadness about it forever. You're left with the emotional scars. It's not an easy thing to decide or go through.
I think it's a normal reaction to look back with sadness, longing and even guilt (although not every woman does and that's OK too) It will get better, the more time that passes 💐

I have decisions that I've made that haunt me. But that was because I was being selfish at the time. Your decision was made out of the love and care for your existing child, why should you feel bad?

I suppose it is because so many struggle to get pregnant and would have killed to have been in my position. I also hear of opinions that they could never terminate a pregnancy unless the baby was not compatible with life and it makes me think I am some kind of monster because I did. I have NEVER talked about this is to anybody in real life because the subject is so controversial, I never imagined I would have an abortion, I never thought I would have to :(

Looking back I actually cannot believe I had the balls to take the tablets, I was so sure it was the right thing to do, being a mum already made it harder because I knew what I was taking away.

No, selfish mothers do this.

You made a sensible choice for your first and unborn child.