To Feel like the worst person ever

[Talkingtummy]

So, 3 years ago I found out I was pregnant with my second baby, my first was 6 months old and my marriage was a mess. After a lot of back and forth I terminated the pregnancy at 6 weeks. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through and I still feel so guilty about what I did. I felt I had to do it to put the child I already had first and 3 years on I cant bare to think about it. I paid for private counselling as I just found the whole thing so traumatic.

I had an abortion ten ish years ago and it was the best thing to do, because I was in a horrible situation with a man who was abusing me, but I still feel sad sometimes. I feel guilty that I didn't just get away from him and have the baby- even though at the time that was almost impossible for various reasons.
We do what we can with what we've got at the time.
You're not a monster and you didn't do anything wrong, and it'll get easier x

I had a terminations I was 21.

I'm not pleased I was in the position but I did it because I knew that I was not in a position to have or raise a child at that time. I have never once regretted the decision.

With kindness, you can't feel guilt because other women struggle to conceive and would have loved to have been in your position. Life doesn't work like that. You not having a termination would not change their circumstances in the slightest.

You need to find a way to release the guilt.

I had a late termination in my 20s - was on the pill and didn't realise I was pregnant, though with hindsight there were obvious signs. My reasons for terminating weren't the same as yours, and I could have kept it but I knew it wasn't what I wanted at that stage of my life. It upset me on and off for years, and when I later couldn't get pregnant, I saw it as my punishment (well, not really, I'm too rational for that, but the thought lingered). But I knew really that I had done the right thing for me at the time, and that's all anyone can do. The only way I think about it now is when I work out how old that baby would be if I had had it - but it no longer upsets me.

Forgive yourself- you had good reasons for your decision.

honestly just because my uterus doesn’t work doesn’t mean you should be forced to carry a child you do not want. How would you continuing that pregnancy have helped my 12 years of infertility? I’m not being arsey just genuinely trying to show that your actions have no consequences for an infertile woman.

be kind to yourself. You made the right decision for your family.

I am a midwife and looking to go into supporting women through abortion as I do think this is massively overlooked, I want to be there for women who have been what I have been through. Sometimes I think, what kind of midwife would terminate a a pregnancy.

I see so many babies brought into less than ideal situations and I do no judge, I just think, maybe she loves children more then I do. I think I might need more help

I’m so sorry OP. It’s always impossible to know what the other odd of the coin looks like, but if you felt so strongly at the time then you made the right decision at the time and that’s all you can do. Did you stay in your relationship in the end?

I can only offer my experience, in case it is of any comfort… already had a 1xDC (primary school age) and got pregnant (planned) with new partner many years later. At 5 months discovered my partner wasn’t the man I thought. It was too late to terminate so I kept what I knew to myself and tried to make the relationship work. Relationship was a shit show, I was getting more and more broken. The year after I got accidentally pregnant, I put plans in place to terminate but ended up miscarrying first. Have never been so grateful for anything in my life and, although I would have terminated and it would have been the right decision, it still surprised me how hard it was to come to terms with that. I very often wonder what I would have done about my planned pregnancy if I had found out about my partner’s behaviour a month earlier. I don’t know if I would have had the balls to terminate, but what I do know is that my well-being in all respects has been decimated by a second child and continued single parenthood. It’s adversely impacted my eldest and my ability to parent either of them as well as I’d like. I love my children, both of them, and I may well have been unable to terminate a planned and wanted second. But I did already know then that I was at the limit of my resources, and that I didn’t want to go through single parenthood again. Maybe I would have been able to terminate if I’d had all the information and known I’d be on my own. If I had I’d be a different person right now, and my daughter and I would have happier lives in almost every tangible and intangible way I can think of - and I wouldn’t be struggling so much with both children, well all of us, being impacted.

I would far rather be grieving the loss of a baby I might have had, then the impact of the one I do. It’s a terrible thing to live with. And feeling that way isn’t something I would wish on anyone.

No sweetheart, great mums can recognise when bringing a baby into a bad situation is not in that baby's best interest, nor your existing child or you.

During pregnancy, are midwives not there for the support of the mother?

I see so many babies brought into less than ideal situations and I do no judge, I just think, maybe she loves children more then I do.

Or lacks the ability to make good decisions with serious long term implications..?

You could also wonder how many of those children are growing up in less than ideal situations that can seriously impact their life outcomes?

It doesn't mean they love children more than you do. Nothing of the sort

NCfivebillion

Sometimes I think, what kind of midwife would terminate a a pregnancy.

I'd hazard a guess that they are probably more level headed about it and do so, the job bringing them into so many situations where they see how awful things can be.

Take care of yourself. You did what was right for you and your child

I see so many babies brought into less than ideal situations and I do no judge, I just think, maybe she loves children more then I do. I think I might need more help

No those women don't love children more than you. They just made a different decision. Maybe they think that once the baby is there things will magically improve in their relationship, or they will be able to get benefits, or think they have more family support than they do....or maybe they are shit scared and aware that they have made a massive mistake, but it's too late to do anything.

As a midwife you do have more awareness than other women of what impact a baby will have on an existing bad situation. And you know that sometimes the most love you can have for a child - and to be fair you know that using the word child at 6 weeks is massively unreasonable of me because it isn't - is to not bring it into a situation where it will suffer. You did the bravest thing making that decision and yes, use that experience to help other women.

I've no skin in the game. I couldn't have kids but didn't want them anyway. However, I am the product of a woman who just wanted baby after baby and had five of us. My parents could have coped with two, but my mother just wanted lots of babies. Didn't matter that past the baby stage she didn't give a snit.

Yes I had a termination as a young teen. I didn’t think about it much really until I had my children years later. Now I feel awful, basically evil, and hate myself a lot. I try not to think about it but it eats away at me. You’re not alone.

BAD mothers just have babies regardless of whether they can support them or not. You made your decision based on the reality of your situation at the time, how could you possibly be a bad mother for that?

You had an existing child to think of, one who was already here and your marriage was failing. You chose not to bring another child into that mess, the decision was born of love.

I am sounding brutal, but…

you put the needs of the very real child in front of you ahead of a bunch of cells. That’s that is the reality of it. Of course this is not black and white and there are emotions involved. But you did what every mother of sound mind does. Prioritise reality.
im sorry you are suffering but you need to stop beating yourself up. It literally makes no sense. Sorry to be hard about it.

Dear Naptrappedmummy,
Please don't hate yourself, please don't.
Why would you. You made a decision to not have a child, when still a child yourself. It might not have grown up to be a happy kid. Due to various, understandable, reasons. Teenager says it all, don't you agree? I had one too in my early twenties even. Time wasnt right, boyfriend was horrible, I was studying. I can go on. I used to sometimes think about it, but then I started to think about condoms containing sperm killing paste, the pill we take, the wasted seed any where. It doesn't mean you should be the mother of a child forever, when you don't want to. I think that is the worst a woman can do, having a child she doesn't want.
It is all still seed and cells, that happen to click in this case, but not self sufficient yet in any way.
No please stop hating yourself. You are making the mother of your children sad. Stop it. Be proud of yourself.