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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ok not to see mum on Mother's Day?

28 replies

Sprinklesandsprinkles · 10/02/2024 07:14

My sisters has been telling me that's it's totally unacceptable that I'm not planning to see my mum for Mother's Day, AIBU?

I live 1hr 40 from home and have my own toddler. I didn't go back last year and my mum totally understood and said it's our day now that we're mum's too. She saw my 2 DS who live right by her and their kids. She's always been a single mum over my life and it makes her so happy I have a happy family unit if my own.

My mum mentally isn't coping with life at the moment, she's physically unwell, hasn't worked for many years and is having counseling for issues from her past. I am supporting her as much as I can with messages and phone calls. We are her only support, she doesn't have any good friends but has started spending time with one of her neighbors recently.

I am going home with DC for 6 days at the end of the month, so would have spent lots of time with her less than 2 weeks before Mother's Day. Its not cheap to spend the fuel to go over and DH has bouts of travelling a lot for work, so we enjoy family weekends when he's home and I'll usually go to see my family for a few days when he's away.

Going home just for Mother's Day will use my fuel money for a proper trip home at the end of March or start if April.

Our other DS is planning to see our mum on the day. Other DS who's angry with me has a party in the middle of the day, she's feeling guilty about that as she thinks we're all obligated to have the day with our mum. She said I'm selfish because she sees my mum most weekends and we shouldn't have our own family mothers days.

To not drop feed my DH wouldn't want to all go over as a family because he has issues with other DS that's for a other day, plus we have a dog and that's a lot of travel in one day for her.

OP posts:
10ThousandSpoons · 10/02/2024 07:15

It's absolutely fine

Notadoormat4 · 10/02/2024 07:16

No you're not being unreasonable. I don't see my mum on Mother's Day and haven't since I had my own children. If she doesn't like it, then tough 🤷

Redglitter · 10/02/2024 07:20

I often don't see my Mum on Mothers Day because I work shifts. My brother never sees her because he has children who want to do something with their Mum so he spends the day with his family

We always make sure cards arrive early if we're not seeing her - sometimes presents too - and we always phone her

We do make a point of seeing her soon after- so slightly different to your situation

Would it be possible to do something just the 2 of you when you're visiting & say its an early MD present

Original poster
Sprinklesandsprinkles · 10/02/2024 07:25

Redglitter · 10/02/2024 07:20

I often don't see my Mum on Mothers Day because I work shifts. My brother never sees her because he has children who want to do something with their Mum so he spends the day with his family

We always make sure cards arrive early if we're not seeing her - sometimes presents too - and we always phone her

We do make a point of seeing her soon after- so slightly different to your situation

Would it be possible to do something just the 2 of you when you're visiting & say its an early MD present

Absolutely I can do something with her! In fact we're having a little day out when I'm over and I'll get her coffee and cake. I hadn't thought of it as a Mother's Day but it's a great idea to!

My sister says everyone she knows sees their mum on Mother's Day. But I think they're all people who didn't move away from home, if I lived right by her I feel that would be a different situation.

OP posts:
Lastqueenofscotland2 · 10/02/2024 07:26

I won’t be seeing mine, she’s 5 hrs away!

LlynTegid · 10/02/2024 07:30

Of course it's fine that you are choosing to visit at another time.

VisionsOfSplendour · 10/02/2024 07:34

Of course it's fine, imagine the logistical nightmare if everyone went to see their own mother 😂

Highflow · 10/02/2024 07:42

I was going to say you sounded a bit mean, up until the point you said you’re going for 6 days at the end of March. It’s the thought that counts, visiting your mum, doesn’t have to be on a specific day.

Coconutter24 · 10/02/2024 07:44

You’re going to spend 6 days with her 2 weeks before Mother’s Day. I’m sure she’ll look forward to this more than you turning up for 1 day because it’s mother’s days. Doesn’t sound like your mum has any problems with you not being there on Mother’s Day….. your sister has the problem. Ignore her

Bluevelvetsofa · 10/02/2024 09:39

I won’t see my children, but it would be nice to have a card.

Hairspray123 · 10/02/2024 10:06

You are not being unreasonable do something special with her when you see her and make it clear that you wanted to do it early because you wont see her on actual mothersday. Maybe get her some flowers or card etc to give her early too along with something to leave with her to open on the day.

Please dont use the dog as an excuse though, that just sounds pathetic, its an excuse you dont need to make! Just be clear that you cant/wont be seeing her on the actual day you are celebrating early.

Topseyt123 · 10/02/2024 10:13

It's fine. I probably won't see mine on Mother's Day either and I doubt she will even give it any thought. I'll send a card.

I spend a long weekend every month with my mother, so it's never long between visits.

I'm sure some will pop up soon saying what a dreadful person you are not to be at her side waiting on her hand and foot for that one day of the year, but you can safely just ignore them.

Ignore your sister too, and don't make any excuses. They won't help you.

confusedlots · 10/02/2024 10:54

Since I had my own family 8 years ago, we just do something as our family on Mother's Day, same on Father's Day. I spent 35 years celebrating Mother's Day with my own mum and she agrees that now it's time for me to enjoy it as a mother. If I lived closer I would probably pop round for a cup of tea, but I don't.

We have all had a very difficult few years as a family for various reasons. Last year I took myself for a sunrise hike with a couple of mum friends, it was us doing something for ourselves on Mother's Day, then home to our own families for breakfast and to enjoy the day. My sister heard about this and phoned me and started shouting about how selfish I was for not spending the day with mum after all she had been through. It was awful and it really ruined my day, I couldn't enjoy the rest of it. She lives too far away to see mum on Mother's Day.

Also, if I was to see my mum on Mother's Day, DH would probably feel he should do the same, resulting in us either spending hours in the car driving between 2 sets of parents, or spending the day apart.

YANBU and try not to feel bad about it, no matter how bad others make you feel.

Nutsabouttopic · 10/02/2024 11:10

I haven't seen my mum on mother's day for twenty years. I live 200 miles away from her. I send her a gift and a card and phone on the day. I speak to her daily. She will come to stay with me for ten days shortly after mother's day and we will do something then. My siblings live near her and will visit. There's no issue with me not being there

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 10/02/2024 11:14

Make sure you send a card, and give her a call.
I don't see all my kids on Mothers day because they have their own kids or work shifts. It's fine!

graceinspace999 · 10/02/2024 11:23

I used to worry about this as I was four hours away.

I thought about how I’d feel if she died. She was in great health.

I based my decision on this: If I would feel genuinely guilty I’d go see her. If not I wouldn’t.

I went to see her.

zingally · 10/02/2024 11:27

I haven't spent the actual day with my own mum for probably at least 10 years. I always send a nice card and make a point to phone her.

FutureMandosWife · 10/02/2024 11:34

I never see my mum on mother's day as she is always on holiday every march.

Same as father's days in June as they have on holiday in every June

As long as my parents get their gift they don't mind.

Ihadenough22 · 10/02/2024 13:54

I think that your sister's are being unreasonable. You live a good distance from your mother. She is fine about you not been their that day. You are in regular contact with her and have already made plans to stay with her a couple of days. When you come to see her get one of your sister's to mind your child and bring your mother out for a nice lunch or dinner then.
If you were never ringing your mother or making no effort to see her I could understand this.

Is your mother elderly and starting to need more help or care? I know that this can be hard if 1 person is left to do this. Meanwhile another family member comes for a visit every few weeks for a few hours but never stays overnight to give the other sibling or siblings a break.

Tengreenbottles2 · 10/02/2024 14:27

You sister is being ridiculous. The vast majority of mothers get a card and a phone call, especially if their kids now have their own kids, and especially if they don't live in the same town.

Original poster
Sprinklesandsprinkles · 10/02/2024 17:47

Ihadenough22 · 10/02/2024 13:54

I think that your sister's are being unreasonable. You live a good distance from your mother. She is fine about you not been their that day. You are in regular contact with her and have already made plans to stay with her a couple of days. When you come to see her get one of your sister's to mind your child and bring your mother out for a nice lunch or dinner then.
If you were never ringing your mother or making no effort to see her I could understand this.

Is your mother elderly and starting to need more help or care? I know that this can be hard if 1 person is left to do this. Meanwhile another family member comes for a visit every few weeks for a few hours but never stays overnight to give the other sibling or siblings a break.

Thanks so much everyone for their input! I didn't think I was being unreasonable but DS has been laying it on thick so it has been great to check.

My mum's not elderly, she's actually only mid 50s. However it definitely falls on my sister's to give her a social life because she seems to push friendships and the possibility of them away. I do understand that's a lot on my sister/s, but a lot of their socialising is also helping my sister like sitting in the car with her sleeping toddler so she can pop into shops or watching her so she can clean the house etc!

OP posts:
ZsaZsaTheCat · 06/03/2024 08:13

Mother here of grown up daughters-live at least 3hrs from both. Never expect anything-delighted to get a card/gift. My time was Sunday mornings when they lived at home, a little hand made card, carefully made bit of toast on a tray 😭 . It’s all gone a bit mad IMO.

sleekcat · 06/03/2024 08:21

I won't be seeing my mum this year. I have made the effort in the past but I honestly do not think it bothers her one way or the other, she has always said not to bother. I see her regularly at other times and will be seeing her the weekend after for my son's birthday.

I have one adult child living away from home. I won't be seeing him either, and haven't for any recent Mother's Days because he was 5 hours away at uni. He Facetimes me and sends card, sometimes flowers or chocolates. This is lovely, there is no expectation for him to be here. I used to love when they were little and would come into my room all excited with cards and gifts and a cup of tea they'd made, but that was another time and my happiness was mostly related to their excitement about it. I don't expect them to carry on that way for ever!

Maddy70 · 06/03/2024 08:31

Call her though and send some flowers or a voucher for when you are visiting next time
So she feels loved and appreciated

RiseAgainMum · 07/03/2024 22:28

We’re surrounded by people telling us what to do. I call them the shouders.
You must do what feels right for you, hun.
Giving a phone call or/and sending a card is acceptable.
My daughter is in Australia atm. Can you imagine how that would go down if I insisted she came home to UK for Sunday.
Remember Mother’s Day is a commercially made up day to profit those who cash in on it. They’re parasites and we’re the ones living with the stress and guilt when we’re not conforming to what society wants.
Set some boundaries.
Just having my girls happy is Mother’s Day for me. Cheesy, I know but celebrating with mum when it’s not forced on you by society, is more special.
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