Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I wrong to check in / ask?

36 replies

Paperandpen111 · 09/02/2024 20:26

Saw a school mum with a cut on their face, didn’t have time to speak to them but generally say hi / chit chat but not friends. But the following day their friend was at the gate and just asked if the other mum was ok. Said they are fine and we moved on and I really didn’t think about it again.

Next week the original school mum comes up to me and said I put the other mum in a really awkward position and made them feel horrible. General tone was quite abrasive. Turns out the mum had a cancerous mole removed and she said to me “while it might come from a good place, people really need to be more thoughtful about what they are saying”.

I was a bit taken back and didn’t really know what to say being what felt like being told off on the middle of the playground.

I went home and nearly cried and I keep overthinking it.

OP posts:
TheSilentSister · 09/02/2024 20:32

I guess the Mum was super sensitive about her cancer and over reacted. She probably hadn't had a proper 'don't tell anyone' convo with her friend and that put her friend in a spot - not you! You didn't do anything wrong, you weren't to know.
I'd not go out of my way to say Hello to either going forwards. Cancer is sadly all too common but it's no excuse to be rude to people.

Ponoka7 · 09/02/2024 20:36

If you aren't friends with the first Mum and couldn't give her a few minutes to ask her if she was OK, I don't see what you wanted to achieve by asking someone else, the next day. It was putting the friend on the spot. It sounds like an honest mistake though.

SleepingBeautySnores · 09/02/2024 20:37

Sorry OP but I think if you wanted to know if the person was OK, you should perhaps have asked her directly, as otherwise it probably just came across as being nosy. Also, the person with the cut/cancer on her face, may not have wanted everyone on the playground to know her business, hence the first woman feeling uncomfortable with your having asked her. Maybe better to mind your own business, unless you know a person well, and they are your friend.

TheSnowyOwl · 09/02/2024 20:40

I wonder if she felt you were gossiping about her behind her back and trying to find out more details.

Londonrach1 · 09/02/2024 20:40

You not a friend it's strange you asked a third party. .wanting gossip? You were rude. Mind your own business unless you know the person

10ThousandSpoons · 09/02/2024 20:46

You were asking the friend - that's just gossiping.

If someone has a facial difference they don't want gossiping or stares.

10ThousandSpoons · 09/02/2024 20:47

TheSnowyOwl · 09/02/2024 20:40

I wonder if she felt you were gossiping about her behind her back and trying to find out more details.

Probably because that's what she was doing

LonginesPrime · 09/02/2024 20:47

Since you didn't ask her yourself if she was ok and you aren't friends with her, they probably both assumed you were looking for gossip rather than genuinely concerned.

Allfur · 09/02/2024 20:52

nothing wrong with asking about visible injuries

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 09/02/2024 20:54

However bad you feel, she probably feels a million times worse by going through her health stuff, and then finding out randomers on the school run have noticed her scar and are asking other people about it.

Good for her for confronting you about it tbh.

Curiosity killed the cat and all that.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 09/02/2024 20:54

Isn't it normal to feel concern for others even if they're not an actual friend. Surprised at the comments saying you were looking for gossip.

I don't think you did anything wrong OP.

mynameiscalypso · 09/02/2024 20:58

I think it's a weird thing to comment on and an even weirder thing to ask her friend about.

10ThousandSpoons · 09/02/2024 21:03

Allfur · 09/02/2024 20:52

nothing wrong with asking about visible injuries

Yes there is. Especially when you're asking someone else.

Frozenasarock · 09/02/2024 21:04

You say hi but aren’t friends. You noticed it but didn’t ask her at the time. It’s completely inappropriate to go and try and talk about her with one of her friends - there was presumably nothing stopping you asking your acquaintance directly or sending her a message if you were genuinely concerned. It’s a cut on her face that presumably looks like it received medical treatment, you didn’t witness her involvement in a terrible accident or something.

It’s just sheer nosiness - what answer were you expecting and what kind or useful thing would you have done in response? Or would you just have been pleased to have your curiosity satisfied? Acquaintance’s medical issues are not your business.

CaineRaine · 09/02/2024 21:05

If you were genuinely concerned, you’d have checked in with the original mum. Otherwise you’re just a gossip wanting to know for your own interest.

cocunut · 09/02/2024 21:05

Sounds like you were trying to gossip/shit stir OP. Not saying it was intentional but that’s how it would’ve come across to me if I was the mum you spoke to.

Countrymouse85 · 09/02/2024 21:08

You’ll beak out in future then?

cocunut · 09/02/2024 21:08

Also, if it was unintentional I would try not to feel too bad about it. I’m autistic and often have the intention to ask well meaning questions, such as “what happened to your face, are you okay?”. Did this once to a coworker who I thought had bumped their head, turned out they had a lipoma and I’d pointed it out to everyone 😥 Sometimes being well-meaning doesn’t come across that way. But YABU to have not said something to her face if you were genuinely concerned.

CutsOffs · 09/02/2024 21:10

Yes, you were wrong. You’re not friends so you overstepped asking someone else. You say you sometimes chat to her, so that would have been the time to mention it, if at all. Asking someone else just seems like gossiping.

LonginesPrime · 09/02/2024 21:11

OP, even if you meant to convey concern, there was always a chance that the fact you'd asked could get back to the woman whose face you were asking about.

You can't trust other people to relay what you said using the same tone and sentiment, and by assuming that the third party would appreciate your intentions and convey them accurately to the woman in question, I think you were quite naive.

Next time, I would just ask the person if they're ok directly, then there can be no confusion and it won't look like you were talking about her face (which she's probably already self-conscious about) behind her back.

MeeLoul · 09/02/2024 21:16

Shes not your friend, so therefore you absolutely shouldn't be asking around about her. It's nosey more than anything.

Original poster
Paperandpen111 · 09/02/2024 21:22

Honestly I wasn’t trying to be gossipy, it’s not really in my nature. I didn’t have time to speak to the original mum otherwise I probably would have just asked her directly if she’s ok. But maybe that’s also not ok.

I just won’t ask people in the future if they are ok and try to reduce contact with people who aren’t friends, I think that’s the advice I’m getting.

I always try to help people or anyone really so I wanted to offer to pick up their kid and drop them off as it’s on my way home if they needed but maybe I shouldn’t do that either. Maybe I should stop trying to be helpful to people I don’t class as friends. You’re probably right maybe it comes across wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Paperandpen111 · 09/02/2024 21:27

I have another question; if she’s posted something on Facebook along the lines of: I’ve gone through a really tough time in the last weeks, im so grateful for my family and friends but not ready to talk about it yet.
Do I just ignore it? Maybe I should unfriend her?

OP posts:
cocunut · 09/02/2024 21:29

Maybe I’d private message her. Something along the lines of “saw you in the playground the other day and didn’t want to mention anything but I hope you’re okay. Let me know if you’d like to go for a coffee sometime.” I’m not sure how that’d come across to be honest but that’s an option?

cocunut · 09/02/2024 21:30

Kinda unrelated OP and may be another inappropriate thing to ask! But are you ND? It’s a common trait to struggle to differentiate between friends and acquaintances, and to sometimes ask inappropriate questions.