Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Am I wrong to check in / ask?

36 replies

Paperandpen111 · 09/02/2024 20:26

Saw a school mum with a cut on their face, didn’t have time to speak to them but generally say hi / chit chat but not friends. But the following day their friend was at the gate and just asked if the other mum was ok. Said they are fine and we moved on and I really didn’t think about it again.

Next week the original school mum comes up to me and said I put the other mum in a really awkward position and made them feel horrible. General tone was quite abrasive. Turns out the mum had a cancerous mole removed and she said to me “while it might come from a good place, people really need to be more thoughtful about what they are saying”.

I was a bit taken back and didn’t really know what to say being what felt like being told off on the middle of the playground.

I went home and nearly cried and I keep overthinking it.

OP posts:

Countrymouse85 · 09/02/2024 21:31

Paperandpen111 · 09/02/2024 21:22

Honestly I wasn’t trying to be gossipy, it’s not really in my nature. I didn’t have time to speak to the original mum otherwise I probably would have just asked her directly if she’s ok. But maybe that’s also not ok.

I just won’t ask people in the future if they are ok and try to reduce contact with people who aren’t friends, I think that’s the advice I’m getting.

I always try to help people or anyone really so I wanted to offer to pick up their kid and drop them off as it’s on my way home if they needed but maybe I shouldn’t do that either. Maybe I should stop trying to be helpful to people I don’t class as friends. You’re probably right maybe it comes across wrong.

Well this is a drip feed…

Original poster

Paperandpen111 · 09/02/2024 21:31

@cocunut yes I have strong suspicions I am ND and have a some really good friends who are diagnosed. I’ve been told we tend to band together….

OP posts:

Sobbingteen · 09/02/2024 21:35

I can see that your question came from a good place but I can also see that it may come across as nosy.

I actually think the mum is over reacting here though - unless you really pushed for some kind of answer about what was wrong (and it sounds like you didn't) I don't get why the other mum would have felt horrible and awkward?!

I also think it's an odd thing to do to post a status on Facebook about something 'you don't want to talk about'.

I would just give both parties a polite but wide berth in future but not beat yourself up too much. You really didn't do anything awful at all.

TheSilentSister · 09/02/2024 21:42

I don't understand all these 'gossip' accusations. The woman had a cut across her face. People are bound to be concerned and I don't believe you have to be 'best pals' with someone to show that concern. People not looking, asking, being concerned would be more worrying to me. If she'd had a black eye then I'd not ask questions in case it was sensitive situation. To me 'gossip' is/can be malicious but what's malicious about cancer? I've hopped into the playground on crutches and had all sorts of questions from Mum's I'd never spoken to before, totally normal.

TheSilentSister · 09/02/2024 21:43

I'd also not jump down someone's throat if they asked someone else about me.

Passingthethyme · 09/02/2024 21:45

I wouldn't ask someone I didn't know that well just as you don't know what the cause is and some people might not want to know people have noticed (even if it's obvious). I'm assuming you were just concerned, but I guess it can come across as being nosy as what would you have done about the answer anyway?

StevieRay · 09/02/2024 21:45

Sobbingteen · 09/02/2024 21:35

I can see that your question came from a good place but I can also see that it may come across as nosy.

I also think it's an odd thing to do to post a status on Facebook about something 'you don't want to talk about'.

I would just give both parties a polite but wide berth in future but not beat yourself up too much. You really didn't do anything awful at all.

"I also think it's an odd thing to do, post on Facebook about something you don't want to talk about"

It's attention seeking at its finest!

OP, she massively overreacted IMO. Sounds like a bit of a drama queen.

LonginesPrime · 09/02/2024 21:47

Paperandpen111 · 09/02/2024 21:27

I have another question; if she’s posted something on Facebook along the lines of: I’ve gone through a really tough time in the last weeks, im so grateful for my family and friends but not ready to talk about it yet.
Do I just ignore it? Maybe I should unfriend her?

She's said she's not ready to talk about it, so I'd just take her at her word.

Obviously, she won't think you're being rude if you ignore it, as that's literally what she's asking people to do at this stage.

I think that making a fuss over what's already happened risks making it more about your feelings than hers - obviously she's got a lot on her plate, so I'd just give her some space and try not to dwell on it.

Also, I'm ND and I totally get how it seems logical to resolve never to talk to anyone ever again when I've put my foot in it and feel terrible, but we all make mistakes and it doesn't mean you're a terrible person. You can't change the past, but you can learn from it.

LonginesPrime · 09/02/2024 21:53

"I also think it's an odd thing to do, post on Facebook about something you don't want to talk about"

It's attention seeking at its finest!

I think the fact the cancer is on her face has obviously drawn unwanted attention, and she probably doesn't feel like having to explain or lie to every one she sees twenty times an hour.

It's exhausting dealing with a sudden facial disfigurement as it's hard to hide and people don't feel they can ignore it, and if she's not sure what her prognosis is yet and/or is still processing it all, I can understand why a blanket statement on Facebook is probably the simplest way to let everyone know that she doesn't want to talk about it.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 09/02/2024 22:06

Her reaction maybe was a bit much ad the other last could've just said she didn't know. You crying is a bit much too. It all sounds a bit OTT from everyone and alot of drama

Passingthethyme · 09/02/2024 22:07

Alwayswonderedwhy · 09/02/2024 20:54

Isn't it normal to feel concern for others even if they're not an actual friend. Surprised at the comments saying you were looking for gossip.

I don't think you did anything wrong OP.

I agree, but if you don't know someone well I think it's better not to ask especially as they may already be self conscious

Flip

1 2