I somewhat identify with this. Can I ask what age you are?
I never felt I could have stopped it, but I felt anger at my father for most of my life. And now I find - I don’t. I feel pity for the child I was, I feel if my childhood had been happier my life would have been different. Maybe worse, who knows, but I know a lot of the issues I have now are down to what happened through my formative years and those issues are mine to deal with. Can’t keep playing the ‘abusive dad’ card forever though. ’Poor me’ was a routine my dad did and it’s not a way I’d choose to go through life. Man might well hand on misery to man but I felt it was my choice not to let it deepen through the generations.
I wish my mum had had more courage, and hadn’t, by her inaction and complicity, let us be his victims too. She was abused badly and I am traumatised still by what I saw and suffered - but they were adults with agency and both had choices. They could have sought help, but didn’t.
I understand it’s very hard to leave an abuser, and I don’t judge her. She is who she is and did what she thought was right - or least wrong, maybe. I seriously doubt you speaking to her could have made a difference. It was way beyond your influence and if abused kids were able to change these dynamics, they absolutely would.
Forgiveness wasn’t actually something I actively sought. It was more like healing. Honestly, it wasn’t always pleasant to do- I felt like part of me had gone missing. Like my special parcel had been left on the bus, or something.
One day I just woke up and thought ‘no more.’ And I realised I felt pity, not rage.
You’ve spoken up now, and though you feel it’s too late, I don’t believe it’s ever too late to be heard. He’s heard how you feel and regardless of what he does with that advice/information, you’ve said what you had to say. You’re a kind and caring person.
I’ve also had the odd frank exchange of views with my father. He sort of understood, but also made excuses for himself. He’s never said he’s sorry. That’s who he is. That’s somewhat annoying - I can’t tell, but I think he’d feel better if he did - but it doesn’t reflect on me, I don’t get eaten up. He made me, not vice versa. He’s an excuse-maker, a self-justifier, and now he’s frail he looks for comfort from his victims. That’s not how I’d do it but - I’m not him.
I feel so sorry for my parents now they’re nearing the end. Sometimes I think I preferred my anger, because I feel strange and queasy inside to see them so old and vulnerable. That worry and desire to protect and care for them also brings me comfort in a funny way, because I don’t carry much resentment. It happened, and that’s that. Can’t change it, can only deal with what that has meant for me.
I always used to promise myself that having an abusive childhood would make me a better mother. That hope remains to be realised but I didn’t repeat their pattern. One of my siblings did, sadly, and is married to a person who is very similar to our father. That’s hard to watch and I’m tempted to tell my parents (who are incredulous their child is a victim btw!) but - I am not here to point things out to them.
To me it sounds like you’ve arrived at a place of some self-knowledge. And that means you’re less vulnerable to perpetuating their mistakes, either as victim or perpetrator; that’s no mean feat. There have been times I felt it almost insurmountable pain. It led me through life by the nose until quite recently.
Give yourself a break. You are a victim of childhood abuse. You don’t need to be the target to be injured. You’re a good daughter.
My dad was very keen on blame, and I have little interest in any of that. Not for them, not for me. It solves nothing and serves nothing. Their mistakes are not on you, and ultimately, I hope you come to that recognition, reconcile yourself to your blamelessness, and find peace.