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Original poster

I feel like I'm taking the piss (future bereavement)

42 replies

minieggsaremyworld · 09/02/2024 14:38

I'll preface this by saying that I am a very anxious people pleaser, so accept that my judgement can be skewed by this.

My dad is dying and we were told last week that he was reaching the end, and prepare for him to go in two or three days. He lives about 70 miles away from me so I have been off work this week to be with him at home.

He's had really awful days, some good days and some mixed. The last two days have seemed a bit better and this is where I'm worrying.

I've been mentally preparing for him to die this week, and I love that he's still with us and I've been able to spend this time with him. But I don't know what to do for next week now.

Is it taking the piss to take more time off when I don't know that his death is imminent any more? I have a very public-facing job which requires me to be 'on it' and I just think I'd break down in tears the second anyone was challenging (which happens often) plus I'd worry that he'd die before I could get there if he suddenly worsened.

OP posts:
Openingmyeyes · 09/02/2024 14:41

Stay with him. You may not get the chance again. Its often said on here that people perk up just before the end.

amiold · 09/02/2024 14:41

Absolutely not. Get a sick note. Be with your dad. Stop worrying what people think. You can't replace your dad but work could replace you.

Puddingpieplum · 09/02/2024 14:42

He may well be doing a Swan song, people sometimes do seem "better" before they die.

But of course you need to stay off, what leave are you on, special, annual?

Verv · 09/02/2024 14:43

No, it's not taking the piss and employers are usually very understanding about these things. Maybe use AL if compassionate is a sticking point?

Ελλe · 09/02/2024 14:43

I mean this nicely, but people perking up very close to their last days and then dying is quite common.

i don’t think it would be taking the piss having time off for a dying parent.

lots of love op, what a horrid scenario for you all 💖

Original poster
minieggsaremyworld · 09/02/2024 14:46

Thanks for the very quick replies!

I'm on special leave- compassionate, I think it's called. It's not so much the leave for myself, though, but the knock-on effect on my colleagues without me there and what happens if he keeps going for much longer.

If I get a doctors note, work can claim on insurance. But what would I get signed off with?

OP posts:
Grapequeen · 09/02/2024 14:46

You’re not taking the piss Flowers Take this time off, you’re not able to work and that’s ok.

FoxtrotSkarloey · 09/02/2024 14:47

My biggest regret is that I didn't spend more time with my Dad before he died.

My boss said "take the time you need" and I was so worried about taking the piss I went for one day a week.

Go now, and spend the time with him. As long as you get.

crumblingschools · 09/02/2024 14:49

How much compassionate leave do you get? Most places only offer a couple of days, although some employers are flexible and offer more outside their policy

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 09/02/2024 14:54

No, it's not taking the piss. You'll never get this time back. Spend as much time with him as you can.

Original poster
minieggsaremyworld · 09/02/2024 14:56

@crumblingschools today is the last day of agreed leave. I can ask for unpaid leave or get signed off if I need more time.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 09/02/2024 14:57

Of course take as much compassionate leave as you need for your Dad. Be near him and embrace the last few weeks of his life as you say there are still some good ones. He will be comforted by you. Work can wait.

Mumof2NDers · 09/02/2024 14:59

Take all the time you need. Spend it with your dad. My DF passed away in hospital in Feb 2021. They allowed us into rhesus to visit him after telling us he wouldn’t pull through. He was taken to a ward that night and passed away on the Thursday. Due to covid we weren’t allowed to see him. I’m still devastated by that 3 years on!

Mumof2NDers · 09/02/2024 15:00

minieggsaremyworld · 09/02/2024 14:56

@crumblingschools today is the last day of agreed leave. I can ask for unpaid leave or get signed off if I need more time.

Do it. You’ll regret it if you don’t.
My thoughts are with you. It’s so hard being told they’re going to leave you but you don’t know when x

RM2013 · 09/02/2024 15:04

Most definitely take the time off. You won’t get this time back and some things are more important. I took time off work when my Nan was end of life and I don’t regret it as I was with her when I needed to be. Sending love to you during this difficult time

Offredismysister · 09/02/2024 15:05

Please look after yourself, like a pp said, you won’t get this time back. I’m guessing it’s a stressful, anxious time, so ask to be signed off with that. My sibling died recently & my sicknote just said bereavement.

AMagottyGrub · 09/02/2024 15:06

Of course it's not taking the piss. Get a fitnote from your GP. You may feel you need time off after he passes away as well and they can extend your fitnote then too.

My mum has recently passed away and my GP was wonderful.

PinkiOcelot · 09/02/2024 15:07

Get a sick note OP. Your dad is more important than your job. You’re not taking the piss at all. X

FortyFacedFuckers · 09/02/2024 15:09

Op get a sick line and be with your dad, you will not regret taking this time off work.

StuffLoriThangs · 09/02/2024 15:11

Get signed off.
You can cite carers responsibility, anxiety, family care, support.

Do take the time you need. Use this as a chance to please yourself instead of employers or anyone else.
take care op.

DeedlessIndeed · 09/02/2024 15:12

My colleague has just been through this. (I am her manager). She needed 3 months in the end as the doctors thought her family member would pass imminently, but he pulled through.

Just get signed off. You'll never get this time back and you will always regret not taking the time off. Your team will understand, regardless of how much pressure they're facing. We are severely short staffed, high level of long term sick for work-related stress etc. Not one person had any bad feelings about her needing to take such a long time off to be with her family member in their last days.

Get signed off with anxiety and stress - as that's what you're experiencing.

Gymnopedie · 09/02/2024 15:23

If you can afford it I'd say take the unpaid leave. That way you're carrying some of the disadvantage and it kind of proves that you aren't taking the piss. You're showing your priorities and putting your money where your mouth is.

Peccary · 09/02/2024 15:34

Do it, my mum died suddenly, we didn't make it on time. Don't have regrets for the sake of work

Kottontail · 09/02/2024 15:45

Hi Op, I just had to respond. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. This happened me a few years ago with my dad. I spent the week in hospital with him. Felt under pressure to be back at work and as he had picked up, I kissed him goodbye & returned home two hours away. The very next day, I got a call from my siblings to come quickly. I made it on time to be with him at the end. I do wish I never left his side as he wasn't conscious when I returned. No job in the world is worth that. I'm not in the same job anymore. Family first always. I learnt from that. Sending love & hugs. X

StuffLoriThangs · 09/02/2024 15:45

No. Don’t take unpaid leave. Get signed off. Anyone else would for this. It is not taking the psiss. It is taking the time that you need. That YOU need.