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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable?

40 replies

needtonamechangeforthis1 · 09/02/2024 13:31

Person A moved away a number of years ago and is visiting back to nearby their old hometown (about an hour away) for a few
and wants to meet with some friends.

Arranges plan with B, C & D to meet on specific day and time. Suggests to meet either halfway between where A is staying and where C & D live or in the large town where A is staying. B lives at the halfway point.

C decides that D probably can’t afford to eat out (without consulting D) so suggests to D on a group chat that we all go to D’s home. B, C accept but A now cannot join them as it impacts on another commitment.

A hadn’t made it clear they had another commitment afterwards. A was aware that C wasn’t sure D could afford it but hadn’t specifically told C not to suggest they went to D’s home.

A is pissed off with C for changing the original plan and feels hurt and excluded. Feels C has prioritised D. B, C and D all live nearby and can meet regularly.

B is unaware of the situation at all and had initially agreed to meet somewhere.

C doesn’t think they have done anything wrong . Was trying to be kind to D so they didn’t feel embarrassed or have to decline.

D is also unaware that C has made changes on their behalf without their knowledge. And that it has resulted in A not being able to attend a get together arranged specifically because they were around.

A doesn’t want to cause upset and doesn’t feel they can ask the group to revert back to the original plan as thinks D will say they can’t do it and that then leaves C and B to choose which isn’t fair.

So is A unreasonable in feeling hurt and should just suck it up?
Or is C unreasonable in how they have handled it?

OP posts:
dudsville · 09/02/2024 13:34

Neither, this shouldn't be a problem. Just keep trying to find a suitable date and location for everyone and have a nice time.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 09/02/2024 13:38

C seems to be a PITA.

If A wasn't to meet people, then they need to try and organise something that suits everyone.

Poor D, people making financial decisions on their behave and then dumping everyone on them.

heldinadream · 09/02/2024 13:40

Getting 4 people together is always hard.

Projectme · 09/02/2024 13:40

The reason for the meet is for A to catch up with B, C and D? So for A to miss out on the meet is a bit daft tbh.

As another PP says ^ keep trying for an alternative date/place to meet. It doesn't need to be expensive surely? A coffee rather than meal out for example?

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 09/02/2024 13:41

Does D Even want them at their house? c can't just invite them!

ZekeZeke · 09/02/2024 13:42

How far a distance are we talking here?
If A made arrangement to meet up with you all, surely they would have carved out sufficient time and not double booked or overstretched themselves.

CharmedCult · 09/02/2024 13:43

C thinks D couldn't afford to eat out so instead C took it upon themselves to invite everyone to D's home...

eh?!

"That's not going to work for me, can we revert back to the original plan to meet either at X town or X town please, just for a coffee will do if anyone can't do a meal out for whatever reason".

TinkerTiger · 09/02/2024 13:44

As the one visiting, A says 'hi BCD, I'm free in this date at this time and place, would love to see you all! Let me know if you can make it, if you can't that's a shame, catch you next time!'

Done.

KreedKafer · 09/02/2024 13:44

You're just making plans, ffs, there's no need for this level of angst.

C's idea was just an idea, it's not chiselled in marble and displayed at the town hall. If the whole point of the get-together was for you (as you are clearly A) to meet up with B, C and D and you are the one who suggested getting together, just say 'Arrrgh, sorry - I can't do that because I've got to do [whatever] afterwards' and suggest an alternative. For example, if D can't afford to go out for a meal, just meet for coffee or a drink instead. Or ask B if she'd mind if people met up at her house, given that she lives at the halfway point location that you'd previously indicated you were happy to meet at?

I can't see why this situation would be a big deal. C just made a suggestion to which you do not have to agree. Talking about 'causing upset' and 'feeling hurt' is a big overreaction, as there are clearly other options here beyond 'Everyone has a meal out' and 'Everyone goes to D's house'.

Bluju · 09/02/2024 13:47

A is unreasonable for thinking that would work so tightly around other commitments.

VisionsOfSplendour · 09/02/2024 13:47

I assume you are A

Say that you really want to see everyone and find a different time/place to meet for coffee or drink only, no meal if D can't afford it

Not sure how they can not afford to eat out but can afford to host at home

KrisAkabusi · 09/02/2024 13:52

You're clearly A.

A is pissed off with C for changing the original plan and feels hurt and excluded. Feels C has prioritised D. B, C and D all live nearby and can meet regularly.

C is trying to suit everybody, not just A. And frankly, this come up in so many threads. You chose to move away. The world will continue to turn without you. You cannot expect things to be the same as they were before you left. You may not actually be a priority any more.

AlisonDonut · 09/02/2024 13:53

Do D can't afford one meal but can afford to host 4?

That aint' right.

Maybe ask B and D if they still want to meet otherwise maybe next time. Leave C out of it as they are a weird meddling fucker.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/02/2024 13:57

A should ask again to meet in the original town but give the option of somewhere cheaper or free (a museum or coffee or something instead of a meal)

shepherdsangeldelight · 09/02/2024 13:59

A needs to decide if

  1. They really want to see all their friends, in which case they should expect to be the one travelling, and not for everyone to come to the place where they are staying
  2. Seeing their friends is a nice to have to be fitted round other things
It sounds like A was aiming for (2) whilst pretending it was (1).
TheShellBeach · 09/02/2024 14:01

Sorry, I got lost within twenty seconds of reading that.

Tinkerbyebye · 09/02/2024 14:04

It all sounds very childish. A should have said she had another commitment as if I was one if the others I would be a bit pissed off if I made the effort to go and A got up to go!

just keep working on dates to suit

youveturnedupwelldone · 09/02/2024 14:05

I need to know more about C deciding D couldn't afford to eat out and telling everyone except D that D can't afford to eat out.

Bladwdoda · 09/02/2024 14:06

Sounds like C poked their nose in a bit, however if you want to give them the benefit of the doubt they were maybe trying to save their friend D from a difficult situation (if C knows D is struggling).

A needs to just be more direct and assertive. “I was really hoping to meet up with you all while I’m down. Can we look at meeting at x place on y date instead. I would be lovely to see you all”.

It doesn’t do to be quietly upset about things that you can actually do something about.

Sounds like miscommunication from friends who mean well but maybe aren’t recognising what everyone else wants/needs.

TheSnowyOwl · 09/02/2024 14:07

A doesn’t want to cause upset and doesn’t feel they can ask the group to revert back to the original plan as thinks D will say they can’t do it and that then leaves C and B to choose which isn’t fair.

A is the unreasonable one for not speaking up and not arranging something affordable for all.

Bladwdoda · 09/02/2024 14:08

Can’t A just make an alternative plan but something that is cheap in case finanaces do affect D?

NamingConundrum · 09/02/2024 14:11

A just needs to put their big girl pants on and tell them the new plan doesn't work for her and she wouldn't be able to attend, which defeats the point of the meet up. Propose original plan or something cheaper? Can A afford for it to be her treat? Eg a couple games of bowling or something?

Magnastorm · 09/02/2024 14:16

"Sorry, I can't make that. Let's do xyz instead".

It's not hard.

Allfur · 09/02/2024 14:17

I can't follow letters, can't you use names

Jovacknockowitch · 09/02/2024 14:19

YABVU OP
Crap title followed by all that ABC shite.