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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable?

40 replies

needtonamechangeforthis1 · 09/02/2024 13:31

Person A moved away a number of years ago and is visiting back to nearby their old hometown (about an hour away) for a few
and wants to meet with some friends.

Arranges plan with B, C & D to meet on specific day and time. Suggests to meet either halfway between where A is staying and where C & D live or in the large town where A is staying. B lives at the halfway point.

C decides that D probably can’t afford to eat out (without consulting D) so suggests to D on a group chat that we all go to D’s home. B, C accept but A now cannot join them as it impacts on another commitment.

A hadn’t made it clear they had another commitment afterwards. A was aware that C wasn’t sure D could afford it but hadn’t specifically told C not to suggest they went to D’s home.

A is pissed off with C for changing the original plan and feels hurt and excluded. Feels C has prioritised D. B, C and D all live nearby and can meet regularly.

B is unaware of the situation at all and had initially agreed to meet somewhere.

C doesn’t think they have done anything wrong . Was trying to be kind to D so they didn’t feel embarrassed or have to decline.

D is also unaware that C has made changes on their behalf without their knowledge. And that it has resulted in A not being able to attend a get together arranged specifically because they were around.

A doesn’t want to cause upset and doesn’t feel they can ask the group to revert back to the original plan as thinks D will say they can’t do it and that then leaves C and B to choose which isn’t fair.

So is A unreasonable in feeling hurt and should just suck it up?
Or is C unreasonable in how they have handled it?

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 09/02/2024 14:20

A is being unreasonable, the group doesn’t know A has plans for after the meet up so they won’t be thinking A needs to rush back for something. A needs to just say they can’t make it over to D’s house as they need to get back for a prior arrangement. If D can’t afford to eat out what about a coffee shop? A just needs to speak up instead of feeling hurt and excluded, if they don’t say anything or make suggestions no one will know

Walking2024now33days · 09/02/2024 14:31

C has no right to decide what D can/can't afford. She needs to keep her beak out. Ir at the most tell A that might be an issue & can they choose a venue that's casual where D could just have a side or just a drink.

if I was D I'd be furious with c 1) for saying I can't afford it b) changing the plans & c) inviting everyone to mine!

As A just take control, the idea is for YOU to catch up with them, not them to meet. They can do that anytime!!

take control

TimeIhadaNightCapwithSanta · 09/02/2024 14:37

It was fine for C to suggest an alternative but not set it in stone.

Reply to the group chat with the original options re geography but say you're open to ideas about what you do.

carerneedshelp · 09/02/2024 15:26

For some more context

A cannot extend trip beyond the few days they are already there.

A Has offered almost completely free pick of days and times and this day was the only evening of the period all were free.

A has also offered to host on all the days they have available apart from the night in question. They cannot host that night because of the other commitment.

D has young children so a daytime meet up is not on the table.

Plans were changed whilst A wasn't paying attention to the group chat due to other circumstances.

heldinadream · 09/02/2024 16:23

@carerneedshelp name change fail?
Sounds like you are A.

Shinyandnew1 · 09/02/2024 16:37

this day was the only evening of the period all were free.

Are you the OP?

So is this time slot (when all were free) still free for everyone? Is it a day or evening slot?

shepherdsangeldelight · 09/02/2024 16:46

Really this should have been booked in and committed to months ago.

but you are where you are ...

A either abandons her other committment (I find it odd to have an evening meetup with friends you've not seen in ages where you have a later committment anyway - wouldn't this preclude you chatting all night as you might otherwise want to?) and goes to D's house

or

you find an alternative that everyone can make

or

you move to another day and whoever is available comes to it

I personally suspect that D has said something to C that prompted the plan change in the first place.

Original poster
needtonamechangeforthis1 · 09/02/2024 16:56

shepherdsangeldelight · 09/02/2024 16:46

Really this should have been booked in and committed to months ago.

but you are where you are ...

A either abandons her other committment (I find it odd to have an evening meetup with friends you've not seen in ages where you have a later committment anyway - wouldn't this preclude you chatting all night as you might otherwise want to?) and goes to D's house

or

you find an alternative that everyone can make

or

you move to another day and whoever is available comes to it

I personally suspect that D has said something to C that prompted the plan change in the first place.

Yes I am A

The evening commitment is the primary reason for the trip. I'm not in control of the timings of it unfortunately. But it is necessary.

Both could be comfortably fitted in the others were prepared to meet somewhere closer to me.

I cannot extend the trip any further.

I have offered all available times

I'm also not likely to be back in the area for at least 12 months.

I haven't seen B since before the pandemic.

OP posts:
Bladwdoda · 09/02/2024 19:06

“Both could be comfortably fitted in the others were prepared to meet somewhere closer to me. “

Have you explicitly said to everyone that you can only meet in a certain area because of the evening event? If no then be blunt with them. If yea and they have chosen not to see you then really I’d question how good friends they actually are given you haven’t seen them in so long and they aren’t making a small adaptation to see you.

pootlin · 09/02/2024 19:28

I think you need to stop C controlling a get-together that you proposed.

Call D and explain the situation and see if she wants to meet out. Maybe even offer to treat her if it won’t offend her.

It’s ok to state your needs!

Alwaystired23 · 09/02/2024 20:19

Have you explained you can't meet at Ds?

iamveryearlytoday · 09/02/2024 20:25

This is all so unnecessary. OP, just say that you can't make it to D's house because of your other commitment. It doesn't work out. It's fine to say that. You're the one visiting and started the arrangement to meet up.

You should also message C and tell her to stop being annoying, ha!

KrisAkabusi · 09/02/2024 20:27

You should also stop trying to pretend to be balanced because it was bloody obvious you were A.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/02/2024 20:29

TheShellBeach · 09/02/2024 14:01

Sorry, I got lost within twenty seconds of reading that.

Right? It’s like one of those blasted logic puzzles you need a grid to work out.

  • Alice is the OP
  • Betty doesn’t give a shit and will go along with anything or wait until it’s all decided and throw a last minute wrench into the plans and blows them up
  • Carol knows about Deloris’ gambling problem and that she’s into Jimmy the Fish for a lot of money but also makes good snacks
  • Deloris is skint and hiding from Jimmy the Fish
andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 09/02/2024 20:34

I would just arrange to meet B on your own, and leave C and D to do whatever.

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