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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

5+ year age gap

30 replies

ladycarlotta · 09/02/2024 10:59

Hi all,
I'd like to lead with the fact that if we could have had children closer together we would have, but due to recurrent miscarriage we could not have children 2-3 years apart as we had planned. So just... go gentle on judging why we are looking at a gap this large.

We have one reception-age DC. If we continue to TTC the closest age gap we could manage would be 5.5 years between DC and a new baby. What are MNers experiences of that kind of age gap? How large a gap between siblings would you consider before it became undesirable to you? Or do we just throw in the towel and accept that we have an only? This would be fine since DC is a joy.

OP posts:

Skyblue92 · 09/02/2024 11:07

If we decide to have another we are looking at the same. Personally I’m fine with it. There is 13 years between me and my sister (I’m the youngest) and we get on far better than her two eldest children who are 11 months apart.

everyone will have different experiences, if you want a second go for it; just because it was/wasn’t good for them doesn’t mean it will be the same for you.

BugsyDrakeTableScape · 09/02/2024 11:09

There's 5.5 years between my eldest and youngest. They get on fine at times, at others not but that's siblings for you! It's a fairly typical gap for lots of people, great chance for 121 time with baby whilst the eldest is at school and still have plenty of time for the big one. The oldest is more self sufficient and helpful as well whilst you deal with the needs of the baby.

I really don't think it's a problem. Hope all goes well for you x

Cathbrownlow · 09/02/2024 11:14

I thought you were going to say 20 years! (Although that would still be fine). So long as you're up for the baby years again, I don't see a problem at all. As pp have said, you can never predict how siblings are going to get along, all you get to do is to parent the best you can. Best wishes.

Viewfrommyhouse · 09/02/2024 11:16

There's 7 years between me and my sister. My dm has never had any issues or judgement. You talk about age gaps like they're taboo or a massive problem. Why would anyone judge you?

MammaTill2Pojkar · 09/02/2024 11:18

My personal cut off for a 2nd was a 4 year age gap, if I hadn't fallen pregnant in that time frame my eldest would have been an only. My personal reasoning for this is myself being the youngest of 3 girls, my sisters are 4 years and 6 years older than me and I often felt very left out, however it probably didn't help that there were 3 of us (one of the reasons I am stopping at 2 children) and they were only 2 years apart and so much closer as a result.

Pandadunks · 09/02/2024 11:20

Me and DB have 6 years between us - close as anything though I paid him little attention when I was 15/16 etc but as soon as he got 16 we were super close and have been ever since.

GoingFullNorman · 09/02/2024 11:26

I have 3 dc. There’s a 2 year gap between my eldest and middle child, then a 5.5 year gap between middle and youngest. Older 2 are girls, youngest is a boy. For various reasons, middle and youngest get on much better than middle and oldest. Youngest and oldest (a 7.5 year gap) don’t have the strongest relationship, but both would come out fighting if their sibling needed it.

having another child is always a gamble - we all know families where siblings just don’t get in at all, and others where they are really close. I’m not sure age is ever the determining factor in how a relationship turns out.

GentlyGentlyOhDear · 09/02/2024 11:27

I have 3 with the gap from youngest to oldest being nearly 8 years and it is those two who get on so close - there's no jealousy, the oldest is understanding of annoying younger sibling behaviour and the youngest idolises her big sister.

I don't know what they will be like when adults and I imagine if my oldest goes off to uni then it will be a big wrench for the youngest, but I started young (for mumsnet!) having children precisely because I wanted minimum 3 years age gaps as there was 18 months between me and my brother and it just didn't work!

Though as an adult I think most of it is down to individual personality than age gaps...!

Housebuyer37 · 09/02/2024 11:28

Why would anybody judge or think anything of it? I have an 11 year gap with mine!

riotlady · 09/02/2024 11:30

I have exactly this gap and so far it’s lovely! Lots of time with the baby while DD is at school, very little jealousy and they both ADORE each other. DD says DS is her best friend, she sings and reads to him. DS does his biggest smiles for her.

sunshine237 · 09/02/2024 11:46

We have a 6.5 year gap, we're two years in. The DC have really been a joy with each other, no qualms in that regard at all. That's I guess part luck with a little bit of parental input. So there's been lots of joy.

However I do feel we've made our lives very much harder, for us as parents (this is in a v supportive DH scenario, but little other support, and v bad sleeper in DC2). They obviously have different needs and need different things at different times. We often have to divide and conquer and are stretched to our max. We've found there to be enough common ground to make family life good, and I guess they both get individual attention for this reason rather than just always lumped in together, but it's not always easy, even now.

Aware it is also likely to get even more tricky as youngest starts to have more of their own life and wants, and eldest becomes a teen.

They will have one year at primary together (which I'm really excited about ).

Worth it for us but as I say we've definitely made our lives difficult. There is definitely a reason most people have their children closer together in time!

MindfulGrateful · 09/02/2024 11:49

There is a 6 year age gap for me and my sibling and we are so close. I partly think that might be because of the age gap, it meant that we were never in competition with each other. Not all siblings get on, but my life would be so much poorer without my sister.

KeepSmiling89 · 09/02/2024 11:50

5 years between me and my older brother. He was able to help with my mum when I was a baby (i.e. keeping me moving in the pram when my mum stopped to speak to someone!) Typical sibling fighting growing up but we got along (I remember him knocking on my door to let me know the Simpsons would be coming on so we could watch it together.
We're not close close or anything as grown ups but we still get on :)

As others have said, nobody will judge you. Loads of people have children with bigger age gaps for various reasons. It's not a bad thing. There's also no guarantee of them getting on if they're close in age. I personally thing it would be better to have a slightly bigger age gap so you can explain to older DC what's happening and why your attention might be a bit more divided etc...

mindutopia · 09/02/2024 11:57

I have a 5 year gap between mine (dc1 was towards the end of reception when dc2 was born). I think it's a great age gap. I've certainly never felt any judgement for it.

But for us, it was an intentional choice. We waited specifically that long to have a 2nd as wanted dc1 to be out of nursery (this was in the days before funded places) before I went on mat leave again. We also were both focussing on building careers, dh was starting a business and I was finishing a postgraduate degree and starting out into FT work again.

I think it worked really well. I had the 'first child' sort of experience with both of them as I was home and fully focussed just on the baby each time. I could do all the school runs during mat leave, which gave us time to adjust to a new working pattern with the short school days (shorter than nursery and no wraparound care where we lived at the time). It also meant that I was a bit more present for my eldest in her first year of school. And she was old enough to be helpful and to understand that she might need to be more patient now that we had a new baby. She could also do things like getting herself a snack or a drink while I was feeding the baby or trying to get him to sleep. I think it made for a much easier time over all.

I think my friends who have had babies closer together have definitely struggled more than we did, and financially we were in a much better situation too. I also didn't lose out on career progression because I wasn't taking loads of time out in succession. There truly weren't any downsides. Mine still fight like any siblings, but I think they probably fight less than they would if closer in age. My younger one is very able to play with the older ones as used to having dc1's friends around. And dc1 has learned to be a bit more forgiving and patient being the 'older one' with a much younger sibling.

Confusednewmum1 · 09/02/2024 12:20

Positive pregnancy test here this morning but history of miscarriage so fingers crossed. My little girl is 6 in August so similar gap if successful. I won’t try again though if anything goes wrong. I’m becoming more at peace with the mum of 1 role and more anxious of baby years than yearning of them now, 6 months ago I would have killed for a baby.

thisisuttermadness · 09/02/2024 12:25

I have a 14 year gap between mine, they are now 17 and 3! Do what works for your family 🤷‍♀️

Jk987 · 09/02/2024 12:25

I honestly don't think it matters, you'll all be overjoyed with your new addiction regardless of age gap!

A friends of ours has 3 children with an 8 year gap between each! My cousin 2 are 10 years apart as it took that long to become pregnant again.

Flatandhappy · 09/02/2024 12:38

5.5 years between DS1 and DS2 then 4.5 years between DS2 and DD. Absolutely loved it, nobody was competing for attention, everyone had their role. Extra benefit was the fact that DS1 absolutely adored DD and we had a babysitter from the time he was 13 and she was 3. They are adults now and get on brilliantly, I would have hated to have to wrangle three kids closer in age.

Original poster

ladycarlotta · 09/02/2024 12:48

Thanks everyone for your lovely warm, thoughtful replies. This is so nice to hear - I agree it really does come down to the family and the individuals, and I appreciate the points that having breathing room between kids means both get 1:1 baby time with you. I am also really glad I've been able to support DC in starting school without their feeling pushed out by a baby arriving.

I guess my hesitation about judgement is that I've read threads like this before and felt really despondent at the dogmatism that a small age gap is best, when you have them far apart you've made your life complicated etc etc. I feel quite helpless reading those threads and feeling I've somehow failed without meaning to. I think a lot of that is to do with having assumed myself in some way culpable for my miscarriages.

Ironically my youngest sibling is 20 years younger than me so I know what joy a new baby can bring a family at any time! My other siblings are much closer in age though.

OP posts:

Original poster

ladycarlotta · 09/02/2024 12:50

Confusednewmum1 · 09/02/2024 12:20

congratulations! all low-key and tentative of course, I understand, but each day as it comes. I am actually also newly pg and trying to manage my expectations given my history. I really hope it all goes well for you.

OP posts:

curiousierandcouriser · 09/02/2024 13:47

I have about that gap between my two. It's nice having the older one a bit more independent so you can focus on the baby.

Mischance · 09/02/2024 13:50

I had 3 DDs. The older two were 6 and 8 when the third was born. It was lots of fun - the third basically had 3 Mummies.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 09/02/2024 13:53

It really doesn’t matter, and don’t feel guilty or under pressure about it. You should have another child because you want one, not as a sibling.

Olinguita · 09/02/2024 13:56

I have this age gap with my little sister and we are very, very close as adults, with similar values, interests and sense of humour. I absolutely loved having a baby in the house and have really happy memories of the first few years of her life. I agree with you that Mumsnet can be a bit dogmatic about small age gaps being best. I also get a bit downbeat reading those threads as I'm in a situation whereby for a whole range of reasons I couldn't have had babies close together. I mean, each to their own (it would be boring if we were all the same, right?), but I think there are SO many silver linings to having a bigger gap between children.

Mammma91 · 09/02/2024 14:02

Currently 31 weeks pregnant and my DS will be 5, 6 weeks after baby is born. My sister is my best friend and we’re 5 years apart. Like you, I also had reoccurring misscarriges (3 of them) between DS and this baby, weirdly I’m not that concerned about the age gap because DS is of good understanding now and more independent (can feed himself, go to the toilet etc). I hope you get your rainbow baby soon 💐

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