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AIBU?

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Original poster

To just enjoy having him at the event?

52 replies

caramellattehair · 09/02/2024 10:43

My parents live in Spain and for the last couple of years I've been having a cheeky fling (both single) with a guy who works at their nearest bar. I'm out there about 5 times a year so we know each other well.

I always foot the bill when we hang out as I earn maybe 12 times what he earns. I never mind. He's a great laugh.

I'm going to Glastonbury this year and I know he's always wanted to go so I paid for his ticket and flights to come with me. Again, not a hardship and I didn't have anyone to go with so I'm excited.

Problem is, on my last day in Spain for the recent trip and he's just told me a "hilarious" story about how, when he first moved to Spain, he and his friends used to pretend to like women so they could get free accommodation.

Obviously I took this really badly and did point out that it didn't make me feel great, although he assured me it had nothing at all to do with me, I literally can't stop thinking about it.

It has completely messed with my head. It's been two weeks I've been home and I've felt sick about it ever since. I'm not an anxious person by nature at all so it's really out of character.

I never used to care if I heard from him from one week to the next but now I feel hypersensitive to his behaviour towards me.

All I can think about is him and his mates laughing at the idiot rich woman who's paid for his holiday and buys him dinner when I'm in Spain.

Now, this doesn't correlate with how we are when we're round each other at all. We have a brilliant time.

But it's left me questioning everything and I literally don't know what to do to calm my nerves.

I'd like to just get to June and enjoy Glasto with him. I've paid for the bloody flight now anyway. But I'm really shook up.

OP posts:
Original poster
caramellattehair · 09/02/2024 10:45

(Had my friend in the background talking about parties hence the title typo. Meant event! Have asked MN admin to change it)

OP posts:
Blackcatpanther · 09/02/2024 10:46

If it was me I’d take someone else OP.

FuckingHellAdele · 09/02/2024 10:47

He may genuinely like you, but the disrespect he showed to other women would be enough to put me off. Particularly as he felt no shame in showing off about how hilarious it was.

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 09/02/2024 10:48

Yeah. I'd get the ick immediately and take someone else. It doesn't sound great does it?

He is a moron for telling you that too. I'd sack him off, you'll never get the comment out of your head now.

MattDamon · 09/02/2024 10:49

That old saying: when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

OnOtherPlanets · 09/02/2024 10:53

FuckingHellAdele · 09/02/2024 10:47

He may genuinely like you, but the disrespect he showed to other women would be enough to put me off. Particularly as he felt no shame in showing off about how hilarious it was.

Yes, exactly. It would be irrelevant to me how he felt about me. I wouldn’t want to be around someone with his attitudes, especially one who felt comfortable enough around me to put his hilarious leeching off women, not to mention his guffawing friends, on display.

Take someone else to Glastonbury and cancel the flight. Or go alone. Either would be better than going with someone you think categorises you as a besotted sugar mummy.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/02/2024 10:53

Yeah it would put me off. More fool him for telling you about it, but good thing for you that you found out.

10ThousandSpoons · 09/02/2024 10:54

He's clearly using you

AncientBallerina · 09/02/2024 10:55

He’s got a bit too comfortable there I think. Trust your gut.

Walking2024now33days · 09/02/2024 11:04

Surely you can just change the flights to your name (small admin fee this far in advance) and take someone else to Glastonbury.

Damage is done. You won't enjoy it with him now. I'm not sure which I'd hate more - the fact he did this to other women or the fact he's so fucking thick he told you. Either way he's not who you thought he was & I could no longer enjoy his company. I'm sorry because it sounds like an arrangement that was working well for you.

im in a similar situation, but both in the U.K. FWB (not just FB) has said a few things that make me 🤨 & I should end it, but the friendship is over a decade long & he's struggling with PTSD & abandonment issues & I just feel like I can't abandon him. 🙄🙄

TheDandyLion · 09/02/2024 11:15

I echo everyone else.

Get the Glasto refund sorted quickly becasue you can't tranfer the tickets to anyone else and the deadline for paying the balance is coming up soon.

HippyCritical · 09/02/2024 11:22

I'd like to just get to June and enjoy Glasto with him.

Do you really still want to pay to spend time with him when he has made you feel the way you do? Do you think you would still enjoy it?

meganorks · 09/02/2024 11:37

If he really liked you he wouldn't let you pay for everything all the time. How do you know you earn 12 times more than him?! That's not the sort of conversation ordinary people have, so feels like something he's brought up to make you feel like you have to buy everything.

Also, Glastonbury is bloody expensive! Not just the tickets, but when you are there food and drink costs a fortune and clearly he wouldn't stump up!

I'd cut your losses now. There is no way you are going to enjoy it if you are always wondering if you are being used. To be honest, even before his revelation, I don't see how you could know he genuinely likes you. You turn up every once in a while for sex and pay for everything buy with zero commitment? Most guys would go for that regardless!

LyndaLaHughes · 09/02/2024 13:01

It depends on your attitude to him. If you like him and want more from this then run a mile. But if you are just having fun, then he'd hardly talk to you about this if he was doing it to you.

Original poster
caramellattehair · 09/02/2024 13:25

LyndaLaHughes · 09/02/2024 13:01

It depends on your attitude to him. If you like him and want more from this then run a mile. But if you are just having fun, then he'd hardly talk to you about this if he was doing it to you.

Definitely don't want more from him. I'm very happily single and would never ever want a long distance relationship.

I don't want to be taken for a mug though!

OP posts:
Theminer · 09/02/2024 13:34

meganorks · 09/02/2024 11:37

If he really liked you he wouldn't let you pay for everything all the time. How do you know you earn 12 times more than him?! That's not the sort of conversation ordinary people have, so feels like something he's brought up to make you feel like you have to buy everything.

Also, Glastonbury is bloody expensive! Not just the tickets, but when you are there food and drink costs a fortune and clearly he wouldn't stump up!

I'd cut your losses now. There is no way you are going to enjoy it if you are always wondering if you are being used. To be honest, even before his revelation, I don't see how you could know he genuinely likes you. You turn up every once in a while for sex and pay for everything buy with zero commitment? Most guys would go for that regardless!

Edited

If he really liked you he wouldn't let you pay for everything all the time. How do you know you earn 12 times more than him?! That's not the sort of conversation ordinary people have, so feels like something he's brought up to make you feel like you have to buy everything.

I don’t know about that. I know how much my close friends earn and my close family (like my mum and sister), it just seems to come up in conversation…

I have a friend who I always pay for everything for because she struggles for money (she never presumes or drops hints, I just know and I don’t mind at all), and my sister has never let me pay for a single drink or meal if we go out together because she earns a lot more (and still thinks of me as the little one who needs looking after- big age gap).

On the other hand this bloke is either using you and too thick to hide it, or he does like you but is too thick to realise what he is implying. Neither is attractive!

SheepAndSword · 09/02/2024 13:40

Personally I'd not feel happy about going with him. It's tricky when doubts creep in , just changes things.

MILTOBE · 09/02/2024 13:44

I would end it with him. He's disrespectful at best, disgusting at worst. Either way, he's admitted to being a user.

I'd send him a message telling him that you can't get past him using women and that you're calling it a day. Then when you visit your parents, go to different bars.

MILTOBE · 09/02/2024 13:45

Is there a big age difference between you? It's making me think of young men in places like Jamaica who have "holiday romances" with older foreign women.

KreedKafer · 09/02/2024 14:01

Ultimately, you don't know what he really thinks of you - but given the whole dynamic at play here, I'm quite surprised you hadn't been questioning this in your head long before he told his 'hilarious' story about him and his friends and long before you decided to take him all-expenses paid to Glastonbury.

All I can think about is him and his mates laughing at the idiot rich woman who's paid for his holiday and buys him dinner when I'm in Spain

If I was having a 'cheeky fling' in which I travelled overseas every couple of months and paid for everything in return for the company of a man who earned one-twelfth of my salary, I would have been thinking about this by the second visit.

It's perfectly possible that he genuinely really likes your company and feels the same way about you as you feel about him. But if your encounters consist entirely of you travelling to see him and paying for everything when you do, you're never going know that for sure.

Is he younger than you, by any chance?

craigth162 · 09/02/2024 14:09

Id cancel and block him.

Bladwdoda · 09/02/2024 14:14

Why don’t you not pay when you see him next? Then you’ll know if he just hangs about for the freebies or actually enjoys time with you.

Hard to know if he’s taking you for a mug without knowing about the context in which you end up paying all the time. I would say that is fairly unusual….does he make effort in other ways?

ginasevern · 09/02/2024 14:39

He sounds like a misogynistic prick quite frankly. To actually do that to other women whilst he and his mates were having a right old laugh behind their backs about it. Him and the people he mixes with sound utterly delightful! This is not the sort of man (or any human being) I'd want to be friends with. Do you?

He was also "blokey" enough to tell you about it. Did he expect you to think that ripping people off and ridiculing them was hilarious? If he did, then he doesn't care about what sort of person you really are does he?

I had something happen to me like this a while ago. A guy who was a friend and who I thought was a kind and gentle sort of soul said something that literally made my jaw drop and I can never unhear it.

I should try and transfer the flight or get a refund.

Gizlotsmum · 09/02/2024 14:42

Are you going over there before June? I wouldn’t pay next time and see how he reacts! That should tell you everything you need to know

TypicalCoach · 09/02/2024 14:44

Whats difference between a fling and a cheeky fling?