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AIBU?

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Original poster

To just enjoy having him at the event?

52 replies

caramellattehair · 09/02/2024 10:43

My parents live in Spain and for the last couple of years I've been having a cheeky fling (both single) with a guy who works at their nearest bar. I'm out there about 5 times a year so we know each other well.

I always foot the bill when we hang out as I earn maybe 12 times what he earns. I never mind. He's a great laugh.

I'm going to Glastonbury this year and I know he's always wanted to go so I paid for his ticket and flights to come with me. Again, not a hardship and I didn't have anyone to go with so I'm excited.

Problem is, on my last day in Spain for the recent trip and he's just told me a "hilarious" story about how, when he first moved to Spain, he and his friends used to pretend to like women so they could get free accommodation.

Obviously I took this really badly and did point out that it didn't make me feel great, although he assured me it had nothing at all to do with me, I literally can't stop thinking about it.

It has completely messed with my head. It's been two weeks I've been home and I've felt sick about it ever since. I'm not an anxious person by nature at all so it's really out of character.

I never used to care if I heard from him from one week to the next but now I feel hypersensitive to his behaviour towards me.

All I can think about is him and his mates laughing at the idiot rich woman who's paid for his holiday and buys him dinner when I'm in Spain.

Now, this doesn't correlate with how we are when we're round each other at all. We have a brilliant time.

But it's left me questioning everything and I literally don't know what to do to calm my nerves.

I'd like to just get to June and enjoy Glasto with him. I've paid for the bloody flight now anyway. But I'm really shook up.

OP posts:
Allthroughthenight23 · 09/02/2024 14:47

Tell him a problem has come up, you can still pay his flight but he'll need to send you the money for both tickets. His answer will tell you everything you need to know.

ExtraOnions · 09/02/2024 14:54

He’s a fuck buddy … you know this. I can’t understand the drama. Why are you bothered what his friends may or may not think? Enjoy the sex.

The notion that all these “poor women” have been taken advantage of, is misogynistic in itself. Maybe there were adult women, who knew their were in a mutually satisfactory relationship… women can have agency in these situations.

Original poster
caramellattehair · 09/02/2024 15:13

KreedKafer · 09/02/2024 14:01

Ultimately, you don't know what he really thinks of you - but given the whole dynamic at play here, I'm quite surprised you hadn't been questioning this in your head long before he told his 'hilarious' story about him and his friends and long before you decided to take him all-expenses paid to Glastonbury.

All I can think about is him and his mates laughing at the idiot rich woman who's paid for his holiday and buys him dinner when I'm in Spain

If I was having a 'cheeky fling' in which I travelled overseas every couple of months and paid for everything in return for the company of a man who earned one-twelfth of my salary, I would have been thinking about this by the second visit.

It's perfectly possible that he genuinely really likes your company and feels the same way about you as you feel about him. But if your encounters consist entirely of you travelling to see him and paying for everything when you do, you're never going know that for sure.

Is he younger than you, by any chance?

Nope. He's a year older than me. Also (dare I say...) I'm the better looking of the two of us, so it's not your stereotypical 90 day fiance scenario.

Although now I type that, I realise that makes the situation worse, somehow, not better!

OP posts:
Original poster
caramellattehair · 09/02/2024 15:14

ExtraOnions · 09/02/2024 14:54

He’s a fuck buddy … you know this. I can’t understand the drama. Why are you bothered what his friends may or may not think? Enjoy the sex.

The notion that all these “poor women” have been taken advantage of, is misogynistic in itself. Maybe there were adult women, who knew their were in a mutually satisfactory relationship… women can have agency in these situations.

I love this answer so much. Such refreshing energy on here! 🥳

OP posts:
Original poster
caramellattehair · 09/02/2024 15:14

TypicalCoach · 09/02/2024 14:44

Whats difference between a fling and a cheeky fling?

The volume of shagging.

OP posts:
SheepAndSword · 09/02/2024 15:17

It sounds like it was light hearted until he said that and now it's got you questioning it.

Muchof · 09/02/2024 15:18

caramellattehair · 09/02/2024 13:25

Definitely don't want more from him. I'm very happily single and would never ever want a long distance relationship.

I don't want to be taken for a mug though!

Show quote history

Well you were being taken for a mug long before his hilarious story. I don’t really see what has changed.

5128gap · 09/02/2024 15:21

Liking you and enjoying your company, and liking that you buy him dinners and festival tickets are not mutually exclusive. I think its probably fair to say he can be both genuine in his behaviour towards you, and also see it as a bonus, and possibly an extra incentive, that you're so generous. It's also very possible he brags to his mates that he's fallen on his feet. But in all truth, who would blame him? You're like his birthday and Christmas at once. If you were happy to pay before, I'm not sure what's changed now you know he's likely happy that you do; as I'd have thought that would be obvious. If you want to test how much is you and how much is money, suggest he pays for dinner and see how that goes.

BornIn78 · 09/02/2024 15:30

Ah he’s slipped up there hasn’t he.

Having the unspoken agreement talked about out loud definitely takes away any illusions, which is probably why you feel a bit crap about it now.

Him earning less is bullshit. Not even a token gesture of one meal paid for by him.

Every time you have to buy him a drink or food at Glastonbury now (because he won’t have a penny to spend) you’ll be imagining him laughing with his mates when he gets home about the sucker who coughed up for it all. Take a friend instead.

Grilledsquid · 09/02/2024 15:31

ExtraOnions · 09/02/2024 14:54

He’s a fuck buddy … you know this. I can’t understand the drama. Why are you bothered what his friends may or may not think? Enjoy the sex.

The notion that all these “poor women” have been taken advantage of, is misogynistic in itself. Maybe there were adult women, who knew their were in a mutually satisfactory relationship… women can have agency in these situations.

Yup.
Women are generally not really stupid as many on here think. The guys often believe they are the ones doing the trick, but quite frankly, if the woman doesn't want him home, he wouldn't get in there.

Op he is bit of fun, that's all.

I know of girls having flings on trips to save on b&b and have some fun when they were young.

OpieMo · 09/02/2024 15:34

Why do you still want him at Glastonbury with you?

Honestly if this is who he and his friends are, they WILL be laughing at you and teasing him about how desperate this British lady is that she's willing to spend hundreds of pounds just to be get him next to her. I really can't understand why you would pay for his ticket and flight. I just don't get it. Wouldn't it have made more sense to pay for a good friend if you really didn't want to go alone? Or to enjoy it solo and make new friends while you're there? Are you a sugar mama?

Allfur · 09/02/2024 15:35

So having sex with a guy, knowing he's using you for accommodation, is empowering now?

BornIn78 · 09/02/2024 15:39

It has completely messed with my head. It's been two weeks I've been home and I've felt sick about it ever since. I'm not an anxious person by nature at all so it's really out of character.

Sounds really empowering, sign me up Hmm

LonginesPrime · 09/02/2024 15:39

I'd like to just get to June and enjoy Glasto with him.

Do you think you will still enjoy it now?

Or do you actually want your Glastonbury trip to be the way you envisaged it before he let slip how he uses people for trips?

Original poster
caramellattehair · 09/02/2024 15:55

Allfur · 09/02/2024 15:35

So having sex with a guy, knowing he's using you for accommodation, is empowering now?

God no! I was being lighthearted, although genuinely it is refreshing to see a different view on MN. I've been on here a long time and there are a lot of very consistent themes.

OP posts:
SheepAndSword · 09/02/2024 15:59

@caramellattehair we're all going to have different opinions on this.

If you did want to go ahead with Glasto just make sure you're comfortable with it.

Grilledsquid · 09/02/2024 16:05

Allfur · 09/02/2024 15:35

So having sex with a guy, knowing he's using you for accommodation, is empowering now?

Considering the woman has the power there... Some could call it that. I would disagree with it being empowering probably, but it certainly doesn't mean the woman is a victim

Deadringer · 09/02/2024 16:05

Well you want someone to go to Glastonbury with so you are using him aren't you? I know he is benefiting but you are suiting yourself really so its all good. If it's upsetting you that much though you should probably drop him and get a refund.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 09/02/2024 16:10

I don't know, I feel like if he counted you as one of the women then he wouldn't have told you the story. It sounds like you're in a different scenario here. I'd just enjoy it for what it is, if you continue to feel uncomfortable then cut it off but it doesn't sound like he's using you really. If you were a man taking out a woman and always paid no one would bat an eyelid.

Obviously his previous behaviour to women isn't ideal (laughing at them for example) but you're not looking to marry the guy so are his values that crucial to this..?

5128gap · 09/02/2024 16:10

I think its just come as a bit of a shock to realise that your money is a draw for this man, because you naively thought it was irrelevant and you were the sole attraction. Now you have realised that he likely does enjoy your generosity, and that it may well be part of your attraction, you need to reassess. On a practical level, nothing changes. You were happy to fund him. You can afford it. You get the company you want. Provided it doesn't escalate so you're pressured into giving more than you'd want to, then arguably no harm. Your ego may have taken a bit of a knock if you thought it was all about you, but there's nothing to say its all about money either. He probably likes both. Like the vast majority of people with a wealthy and generous partner/FWB/spouse do. They just don't accidentally admit it!

SheepAndSword · 09/02/2024 16:16

People can be manipulative in their own ways, I got into a short term thing with someone years back because of loneliness in a new town. He bought me a few things (nothing expensive) and I used to cook him meals and bring them around. He wanted to get married.

I drew the line at him attempting to write out a life insurance policy for me in the event of his death. So no idea who was using who, both of us probably.

If you don't like him and his friends attitudes don't go ahead with it.

Prawncow · 09/02/2024 16:22

What do you call a fuck buddy you pay for?

Toooldtocareanymore · 09/02/2024 16:35

How far back is this in his history, its its just a hazy memory of a misspent youth now, that hes telling you about, or are we talking just couple of years ago, it might be relevant to how you should view this. I have an uncle when 18 went backpacking/ grape picking- you name it they would do it for food and beer , european tour summer holiday, they departed in a car that broke down i think within 100 miles of the ferry . He happily admitted when they were staying in tents no showers etc they would get dressed up and go on "the pull" , women that had the nicest accommodation and likely to let them stay were considered best targets, but really he doesn't feel it was any different to what he and his friends did at home- meeting women with homes was considered i suppose good luck, as no way my granny would have allowed him bring a girl home for the night!!

One of the gang met a french girl when they were in spain who had a restaurant job who allowed employees to take what food was over at end of night she fed them for weeks, they were married many years ago , she always says if she didn't have the job that allowed her feed them all that she'd have ended up married to a spaniard.

Lurkingandlearning · 09/02/2024 16:42

It’s not really about whether the women he told you about were making their own decisions when sharing accommodation with him and his friends or if they too were gaining something from the situation.

The thing is he has revealed is that he has no respect for those women and their decisions and thought them hilarious and at the same time shacked up with them despite his low opinion of them.

Maybe he doesn’t find you hilarious because you’re not offering a home. Maybe as you only pay for his meals they only laugh at you a bit, but they’ll be laughing harder over this expensive holiday for a major event.

ClematisRock · 09/02/2024 17:00

As long as you're happy to pay for his company then what's the problem?

You know it's going nowhere, you clearly want him here for the gig and you've paid for it.
You're using him just as much as he's using you.

To those who say they'd get the 'ick' after what he'd said , id like to point out that misandry is still alive and kicking amongst women. ( think hen dos.)