To think there’s no excuse for using this words?

[Sunshineonthebalconyplease]

Have name changed for this because have posted elsewhere and spoken to friends and don’t want it linked to my previous posts :)

I’m part of a small group of about 5 mum friends. All kids have SEN that severely impact their everyday lives.

I’ve distanced myself from the group over the past few weeks for a number of reasons, partly because it centres around one mum in particular who has just been really off with me since I got my new job (quite senior in the SEN world) but mostly because I’ve noticed her over the past few weeks using the words ‘spastic’ and ‘retard’ casually. Like saying her daughter “went absolutely spastic” to mean having a meltdown, joking that she looks like a “fat Chinese spastic”. In a recent discussion about how parents often aren’t believed because their kids “look NT” when regulated, she commented that my sons disabilities were very obvious due to his facial features and the way he walks.

Last night she posted something on FB, sharing a meme with the word ‘retard’ in it.

I can’t be around her anymore. I think it’s disgusting. I don’t want to ‘call her out’ on it because it will make things uncomfortable for me and my son when we attend SEN groups they are likely to be at. But I did have a quiet word with two of the other friends in the group to explain that I’ll be pulling back and why, and that it isn’t personal to them and I’ll still be there to support them.

One friend (who works with people with severe learning difficulties) said she was sad I felt that way but completely respected my decision and said we will still see each other. The other one seemed really gutted but kept making excuses, saying the original friend would be gutted to know she’s upset me and absolutely wouldn’t have meant any offence by it.

AIBU to think there is no justifying this behaviour? I just don’t know if I’m overreacting because I’m being protective of my son, or if I’m right to take a step back and want nothing to do with someone who sees herself as an advocate and fighter for SEN children but then uses these words??

It’s not ghosting her when she doesn’t ever message me

so it would look like she’s distancing herself from you. So i doubt she’ll be bothered and you won’t suffer any fall out especially as you are now work full time and no longer available so much

given she’s distancing herself from you Op

seems like perfect opportunity for you to just go for it!

complete contradiction from earlier post when you say you only see other at child centred activities, never message one another and it is very unusual to get together socially

please, please quote me on that. Go ahead and find where I’ve said that I only see her at child centres activities, never message each other, and that it’s very unusual to get together socially 😂

Also I’ve always worked full time thanks ☺️

It’s not ghosting her when she doesn’t ever message me or invite me places anymore anyway. Just means when I see her at activities I can say hello and move on.

all good then. She’s pipped you to the post of distancing from one another. So just go with the flow

* I can easily make excuses, but tbh the invites have dried up anyway since I got offered the new job.*’
great then

It’s unbelievable that others want to spend time with her, particularly these are parents of children with SEN but 🤷‍♀️ not your problem anymore!

it sounds ideal. Like you can distance yourself and jo fall out because she won’t even notice because she got in there first

@bestmoment you’re quite a bitchy person aren’t you? Hope that works out well for you x

because i suspect you’re just annoyed that she got in there first and likely won’t even notice you distancing yourself from her 😂

either way… who needs appalling people like this woman in your life so all good

@bestmoment absolutely not annoyed that she got in there first, if she had said all of this six months ago when I still thought the sun shone out of her backside I’d have done exactly the same. It’s just coincided with her generally showing a really mean and nasty side. Making comments about my son looking more disabled than the others and using disgusting terminology. Maybe she’s started using it as a dig at me/my son, who knows. But she’s gone from being someone I thought was really lovely to just being very unpleasant.

So this seems like a positive development

you get to distance yourself from her but because she’s already done it to you… no big fall out

Update - my other friends said I had to tell her why I was withdrawing from the group or else they would. I said it was a terrible idea but they said she would be devestated to know she has upset me. I said I’ll do it in the group chat so they can witness her reaction And that my hand was being forced.

I sent a message explaining that the language wasn’t acceptable and I don’t want my child (who has been called those words) around people that use them. She said “what the fuck why am I being made out to be some evil person? I’ve never used those words”. So I said she had and sent a few screenshots and she said “oh you’ve actually been looking for an excuse for months to have a pop at me, you’ve actually searched through the chats, that’s completely out of context”.

I said there is no acceptable context unless asking someone not to say them. She said to never speak to her again and the others backed her up.

So that went well 😂 but I feel a huge amount of relief that their toxicity is gone and I’m out of it.

my other friends said I had to tell her why I was withdrawing from the group or else they would. I said it was a terrible idea but they said she would be devestated to know she has upset me. I said I’ll do it in the group chat so they can witness her reaction And that my hand was being forced.

what drama. You other friends sound like utter drama llamas.

and odd that she’s been ignoring and sidelining you for weeks, but your other friends only get themselves all worked up when you mention that you’re thinking of doing the same

all very odd

And that my hand was being forced.

bloomin heck. It’s all gone a bit Shakespearean

. She said to never speak to her again and the others backed her up.

the others being mothers of children with SEN and one actually working with children with severe learning difficulties

This woman and your friends sound very odd. very odd. entire situation is all a bit messed up. Lucky escape that you’ve been so close to a group that don’t seem at all bothered about their friendship with you all seem utterly vile in their views about their own children. weird

One friend (who works with people with severe learning difficulties) said she was sad I felt that way but completely respected my decision and said we will still see each other

and now wants nothing to do with you and backing up the friend with vile views . Well doesn’t she sound like a treasure of a friend

That's awful about the others.

I'm so sorry

One those “friendship” groups that thankfully i have only ever encountered on mumsnet… where no one seems to actually genuinely like one another, and it’s all very reminiscent of year 9 lunch break squabbles (only difference is now the name calling is directed at their off spring).

In this scenario i just can’t understand how this became such a big deal for the two (al repellant) “friends” that you MUST confront her, given you had already been sidelined.