To think there’s no excuse for using this words?

[Sunshineonthebalconyplease]

Have name changed for this because have posted elsewhere and spoken to friends and don’t want it linked to my previous posts :)

I’m part of a small group of about 5 mum friends. All kids have SEN that severely impact their everyday lives.

I’ve distanced myself from the group over the past few weeks for a number of reasons, partly because it centres around one mum in particular who has just been really off with me since I got my new job (quite senior in the SEN world) but mostly because I’ve noticed her over the past few weeks using the words ‘spastic’ and ‘retard’ casually. Like saying her daughter “went absolutely spastic” to mean having a meltdown, joking that she looks like a “fat Chinese spastic”. In a recent discussion about how parents often aren’t believed because their kids “look NT” when regulated, she commented that my sons disabilities were very obvious due to his facial features and the way he walks.

Last night she posted something on FB, sharing a meme with the word ‘retard’ in it.

I can’t be around her anymore. I think it’s disgusting. I don’t want to ‘call her out’ on it because it will make things uncomfortable for me and my son when we attend SEN groups they are likely to be at. But I did have a quiet word with two of the other friends in the group to explain that I’ll be pulling back and why, and that it isn’t personal to them and I’ll still be there to support them.

One friend (who works with people with severe learning difficulties) said she was sad I felt that way but completely respected my decision and said we will still see each other. The other one seemed really gutted but kept making excuses, saying the original friend would be gutted to know she’s upset me and absolutely wouldn’t have meant any offence by it.

AIBU to think there is no justifying this behaviour? I just don’t know if I’m overreacting because I’m being protective of my son, or if I’m right to take a step back and want nothing to do with someone who sees herself as an advocate and fighter for SEN children but then uses these words??

One friend (who works with people with severe learning difficulties) said she was sad I felt that way but completely respected my decision and said we will still see each other. The other one seemed really gutted but kept making excuse

so one in this group uses appallingly offensive language

one makes excuses for

one works with children with severe learning difficulties and also seems i bothered about this language and seems “sad” that you feel differently and plan to distance yourself from her

and these people all have children with SEN??

ming boggling

I don’t think it’s entirely fair to hold me accountable for not correcting her when I know it would cause significant distress for my own disabled child.

why would your child need to know? Surely this is something you would address direct with this person either in person or virtually - without your child or indeed anyone present (aside from perhaps other members of the group if you felt appropriate)

surely she’s always been like this? or has she recently become like this? how long have you all been a group?

@bestmoment as I’ve said several times, a big fall out will mean that my son can no longer attend activities that are beneficial to him.

She likely has always been like this, I don’t know. I’ve known her just under a year and a half through a SEN support charity. It’s only been very recently I’ve noticed her using this language though.

so you plan to just ghost her?

why would there have to be a big fall out? and not just you suggesting a chat 1-2-1 over a coffee and then explaining that you won’t be joining again as feel uncomfortable with her use of certain terminology, but aware that you have no say over whatever she chooses to say, so you feel you have no choice but would still love the children to get together as you’re sure would too

if she kicks off, then quite honestly i wouldn’t want my child in her vicinity

and presumably your son would see the other children?

if you just don’t ever again to get together with her… you don’t think that that will make activities where you’re both present bloody uncomfortable and much more likely to result in a fall out

Yeah there's no excuse for this

you have known her just under a year

and she has only recently started using this appalling language

Surely that is a discussion in itself - what’s changed??! you could approach it like that

“I have noticed in recent weeks your language around SEN has changed and i’m wondering whether anything has happened to cause this”

you’ve known her best part of a year and suddenly she starts using not just offensive language but truly vile language - bizarre.

@bestmoment im more than capable of being civil to people I don’t want to spend my time with. It’s not ghosting her when she doesn’t ever message me or invite me places anymore anyway. Just means when I see her at activities I can say hello and move on.

“I have noticed in recent weeks your language around SEN has changed and i’m wondering whether anything has happened to cause this”

it’s not really my responsibility to have a gentle conversation with her to check in and see if there’s a reason she’s started using disgusting language around people with disabilities. I’m fairly sure I’m allowed to have a boundary to say that I don’t want to be around it without having to get to the bottom of why she’s doing it. And yours and other responses validating that what she has said is offensive has affirmed that for me.

Yeah tell her to fuck off

but aren’t you and the others a bit 🤔 why an otherwise completely normal friend and mother of a SEN child and indeed campaigner on behalf of SEN children…. suddenly seem to have developed Nazi like sentiments about her very child and others?? very weird

Sp you plan to just ghost? how will that make get togethers at the activities?

So at these regular activities where you used to sit together as a group for the past year

now you will say hi and sit elsewhere and not engage with her beyond a civil hello

All i am saying is that is you’re worried about a fall out… this approach is far more likely to cause one

And yours and other responses validating that what she has said is offensive has affirmed that for me.

You work in a senior position in SEN and you couldn’t work this out for yourself! she wasn’t exactly subtle

They aren’t formal sit down activities. There are plenty of other parents there that I know and talk to, it’s not unusual for any of us to socialise outside the group. I won’t be attending specific things planned for just our group, I can easily make excuses, but tbh the invites have dried up anyway since I got offered the new job.

Even setting aside your senior job in the SEN worls. I am genuinely curious why you needed mumsnet to confirm whether

spastic’ and ‘retard’ casually. Like saying her daughter “went absolutely spastic” to mean having a meltdown, joking that she looks like a “fat Chinese spastic”. In a recent discussion about how parents often aren’t believed because their kids “look NT” when regulated, she commented that my sons disabilities were very obvious due to his facial features and the way he walks. is offensive

You work in a senior position in SEN and you couldn’t work this out for yourself! she wasn’t exactly subtle

of course I could work it out for myself 🙄 I posted this thread to check I wasn’t being over sensitive because the behaviour of my other friends who have ignored/excuses her behaviour has baffled me. I decided all on my own like a grown up that I don’t want to be friends with her because it’s not acceptable. I posted here because it was fucking weird how others aren’t bothered by it.

ok so you very rarely ever see this woman socially outside of child-centered activities where you don’t sit down with other parents

You don’t message one another and so she won’t think anything is remis about that.

So i can’t really see how this was a close group where people age upset you’re going to distance yourself
from someone you naturally seemed very distanced from!

@bestmoment I didn’t ask if it was offensive, I asked if it was excusable. But you’re misinterpreting a lot of what I’m saying and seem intent on making out that I’m the one in the wrong here.

you work in SEN
you are the mother of a child with SN

and you wondered whether it was excusable to use regard and spastic and to even personally comment on your son?

It's vile and classed as hate speech. if you called someone that in public, at work, it would be a legal issue and you would lose your job or at least severely disciplined. Block her. Her use of abelist insults against her child may be a way of coping (no excuse) but to broadcast such words across groups of others is abhorrent. If she was saying those things to the kid directly SS would be involved.

Ah so now you know the group dynamics better than I do too. So spending three days a week together every school holiday for the past year isn’t close? Or NYE? But because she’s been off with me for the past few weeks and so hasn’t made plans that I can attend (lots of plans being made during the working day and I work full time) it means we were never close. Gotcha.

behaviour of my other friends who have ignored/excuses her behaviour has baffled me.

or would baffle me to the extent that i’d wonder about them. As you can see from the horror expressed by every poster on this thread

complete contradiction from earlier post when you say you only see other at child centred activities, never message one another and it is very unusual to get together socially 🤷‍♀️

if she won’t really notice you now simply saying a civil hi and then distancing yourself - then it doesn’t really say you were close in the first place