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AIBU?

How do I tell my this person to have some compassion at a funeral?????

36 replies

inneedofaglowup · 08/02/2024 22:39

Long story short I have an 2 aunts both are just weird. An elderly relative has passed away and we all got together as a family to pay respects. The two aunts come (50s), one is crying more than the deceased's daughters are (they're also in their 50s) and the other is going from person to person telling them how the elderly deceased passed away in her arms and how he'd taken his last breath in her arms. It wasn't in a compassionate loving way, it was more of a boastful rubbing it in to the daughters kind of way.

Mind, one of the daughters was also present with the aunt when her father had passed on however, the other was not in the room when he took his last breath and I find it so hurtful towards her. Like why does this aunt keep repeating his last moments to every person who comes to pay their respects and why is the other crying more than the whole room combined? I must add they have had family rivalry/competition for years. I'd like to say to the aunt to stop repeating the same last moment story to everyone and let the family grieve in peace without her adding her two pence. But how do I say this in a way she doesn't kick a fuss??? (She's that type to get rowdy if she's told what she's doing is not nice or correct and I don't want to add any drama for the grieving family). I find it really frustrating and I just think how must the daughters be feeling.

OP posts:
MorningMinion · 08/02/2024 22:48

Honestly, this is completely normal for family gatherings after a death. I wouldn’t intervene.

MorrisZapp · 08/02/2024 22:49

Standard really. Just leave it.

TheOriginalEmu · 08/02/2024 22:55

I don’t see anything wrong in crying. Plenty of people cried more than me at my mothers funeral becuase I was in a state of numbness. I also really didn’t care what anyone was doing tbh. I see you want to protect the family and that’s kind of you, but I’d not say anything and concentrate on being kind to the family.

Wingedharpy · 08/02/2024 22:56

Grief is an odd thing - and effects everyone differently.
It also drives many of us a bit mad.
Don't fan the flames OP, otherwise you become part of the problem too.
Sorry for your loss.

inneedofaglowup · 08/02/2024 22:59

I just find it really tit for tat at the most inappropriate time. And I know how these aunts get, they like to poke at the sleeping bear kind of thing. But I guess you're right, I should just stay quiet as to avoid any further drama. I usually have stayed quiet when they cause their drama in the hope they'll realise nobody reacts to them and they'll feel pathetic after, but so far it's made no impact.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 08/02/2024 22:59

Grief Olympics. Tell her she's won a medal.

Have fun with it. Whisper in each over performative person "bronze" "silver" "gold".

Mangledrake · 08/02/2024 23:01

I had some relatives whom I found moderately annoying after a major bereavement, but I didn't particularly care. The bereavement itself kept that kind of thing in perspective.

I'd have been much more upset by any dispute or tension among family members at the funeral etc. That would have tainted the memory more than people being their (usual) somewhat annoying selves.

I wouldn't intervene here.

Fizzadora · 08/02/2024 23:02

Performance grieving. It's probably always been a thing OP and usually done by those who always have to go one better and be the centre of attention.
It comes up quite often on MN.
Nothing can be done to keep it low key. The performer will perform no matter what.

Mangledrake · 08/02/2024 23:03

It's nice of you to notice and be concerned, though. Turn those energies directly to the daughters and speak / listen to them in their grief if you can. They'll remember that.

Saz12 · 08/02/2024 23:04

Don't comment to /about the aunts. Clearly direct your sympathies to the daughters.

inneedofaglowup · 08/02/2024 23:06

Fizzadora · 08/02/2024 23:02

Performance grieving. It's probably always been a thing OP and usually done by those who always have to go one better and be the centre of attention.
It comes up quite often on MN.
Nothing can be done to keep it low key. The performer will perform no matter what.

That's exactly what it is. A performance. And this happens a lot in many other scenarios. They always need to get one up. The aunt who is overly crying had not seen the deceased relative apart from the odd occasion over the years so it wasn't like they were particularly close (hence why I found the tomato red face and bucket full of tears slightly odd) and the other one is acting as if her being in his last moments was a type of achievement. It actually got me pretty frustrated. But yes again, I'll stay out of it. Just wish there's a day where they're actually put in their places!

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 08/02/2024 23:06

How are the aunts related to the deceased? I'd assume the one allowed at the death bed must be a pretty close relative? Obviously if they're 2nd cousins thrice removed it's a bit off.

inneedofaglowup · 08/02/2024 23:07

Mangledrake · 08/02/2024 23:03

It's nice of you to notice and be concerned, though. Turn those energies directly to the daughters and speak / listen to them in their grief if you can. They'll remember that.

Yes you're right

OP posts:
inneedofaglowup · 08/02/2024 23:09

nocoolnamesleft · 08/02/2024 23:06

How are the aunts related to the deceased? I'd assume the one allowed at the death bed must be a pretty close relative? Obviously if they're 2nd cousins thrice removed it's a bit off.

They are close related. Neices to the deceased. But as mentioned they weren't particularly close and even if they were the behaviour still isn't justified. The daughters have actually been superbly gracious but the aunts are just something else. Point scoring it looks like.

OP posts:
spanishviola · 08/02/2024 23:12

Funerals can trigger past grief. Have they lost their own parents? Maybe they weren’t able to be present at another death that was important to them. There might well be something else going on.

saraclara · 08/02/2024 23:13

At my dad's funeral, my brother's teenaged step daughters, who'd barely had anything to do with him, were sat behind my mum and I, sobbing and sniffing (loudly and snottily) most of the way through.

I was irrationally angry with them, as my mum and I (who were stoically trying to hold it together) could barely concentrate on the service for their noise.

inneedofaglowup · 08/02/2024 23:16

spanishviola · 08/02/2024 23:12

Funerals can trigger past grief. Have they lost their own parents? Maybe they weren’t able to be present at another death that was important to them. There might well be something else going on.

No both their own parents are alive. Yes I understand they may have good memories with the deceased but personally I'd want the people most closest to be able to express their grief without feeling if they do someone out there is going to try and top how they're feeling. The daughters have been very composed, the actual funeral is tomorrow and I am dreading the aunts make some stupid comments that are going to upset the deceaseds family. I know they would not say anything back to them so as to not ruin the day for anyone and that just makes me more sad that that's just deal with it whilst these horrid aunts think they'd have scored a point against them.

Also note the deceaseds family have never done anything mildly similar to them hence why I find it particularly nasty.

OP posts:
inneedofaglowup · 08/02/2024 23:18

saraclara · 08/02/2024 23:13

At my dad's funeral, my brother's teenaged step daughters, who'd barely had anything to do with him, were sat behind my mum and I, sobbing and sniffing (loudly and snottily) most of the way through.

I was irrationally angry with them, as my mum and I (who were stoically trying to hold it together) could barely concentrate on the service for their noise.

I'm so sorry to hear that. And yes you're right it is very triggering. I cannot understand why people can't just have some grace and decorum for others for just a little bit of time to allow them to grieve freely.

OP posts:
BrightLightTonight · 08/02/2024 23:21

With regards to the crying aunt - I am a nightmare at funerals - I always cry, even if I don’t know the person who has died (I don’t go to funerals for fun, but to support my elderly mum)

I am the same with sad songs, books and films. If I am in a situation where tears are expected - I cry.

I don’t do it on purpose, or to try and claim I am more upset than anyone else, but I just cry. When it’s someone who is close to me it’s even worse. Can’t help it - I’m just emotional

inneedofaglowup · 08/02/2024 23:25

BrightLightTonight · 08/02/2024 23:21

With regards to the crying aunt - I am a nightmare at funerals - I always cry, even if I don’t know the person who has died (I don’t go to funerals for fun, but to support my elderly mum)

I am the same with sad songs, books and films. If I am in a situation where tears are expected - I cry.

I don’t do it on purpose, or to try and claim I am more upset than anyone else, but I just cry. When it’s someone who is close to me it’s even worse. Can’t help it - I’m just emotional

I can understand this. I know people who are the same. Sad things can make them very upset and emotional. But believe when I say the aunt isn't in that category. It was very clear she wanted to be seen as someone who was majorly impacted by the death and many people picked up on it. She is not the over emotional type.

OP posts:
rustlerwaiter · 08/02/2024 23:26

Are the daughters particularly bothered?

I have to say, at my own mam's funeral I couldn't tell you what anyone else was or wasn't doing because I was concentrating on myself.

spanishviola · 08/02/2024 23:26

inneedofaglowup · 08/02/2024 23:16

No both their own parents are alive. Yes I understand they may have good memories with the deceased but personally I'd want the people most closest to be able to express their grief without feeling if they do someone out there is going to try and top how they're feeling. The daughters have been very composed, the actual funeral is tomorrow and I am dreading the aunts make some stupid comments that are going to upset the deceaseds family. I know they would not say anything back to them so as to not ruin the day for anyone and that just makes me more sad that that's just deal with it whilst these horrid aunts think they'd have scored a point against them.

Also note the deceaseds family have never done anything mildly similar to them hence why I find it particularly nasty.

I’m not suggesting it is good memories necessarily but you can’t police someone else’s grief even if you think it is performative. People can often behave oddly when someone dies. Without going into details, I’ve seen it a few times. The fact that the daughters are composed will stand them in good stead though I’m finding it a bit odd that you are so concerned on their behalf given they are in their 50s and not children.

inneedofaglowup · 08/02/2024 23:28

rustlerwaiter · 08/02/2024 23:26

Are the daughters particularly bothered?

I have to say, at my own mam's funeral I couldn't tell you what anyone else was or wasn't doing because I was concentrating on myself.

The one who wasn't with her father when he passed, even though she did not say anything when I said to her she does not need to be in the same room constantly listening to the aunt repeat herself of her fathers last moments she agreed to go to another room so she didn't have to listen. The other one also did not say anything but you could see from her expression she was exhausted from hearing it over and over.

OP posts:
inneedofaglowup · 08/02/2024 23:30

Spanishviola I have seen them deal with a lot of nasty comments and one upping from the aunts over the years hence the frustration.

OP posts:
KittySmith1986 · 08/02/2024 23:32

After my mum died, my aunt (mums SIL) went around telling everyone how my mum had died in her arms and that she never thought she’d be able to be with someone when they died etc.. I was there, I was with my mum too when she died, as was my sister. Aunt just had to make it about her and what a ‘ hero’ she’d been. I distanced myself from her.

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