How do I tell my this person to have some compassion at a funeral?????

[inneedofaglowup]

Long story short I have an 2 aunts both are just weird. An elderly relative has passed away and we all got together as a family to pay respects. The two aunts come (50s), one is crying more than the deceased's daughters are (they're also in their 50s) and the other is going from person to person telling them how the elderly deceased passed away in her arms and how he'd taken his last breath in her arms. It wasn't in a compassionate loving way, it was more of a boastful rubbing it in to the daughters kind of way.

Mind, one of the daughters was also present with the aunt when her father had passed on however, the other was not in the room when he took his last breath and I find it so hurtful towards her. Like why does this aunt keep repeating his last moments to every person who comes to pay their respects and why is the other crying more than the whole room combined? I must add they have had family rivalry/competition for years. I'd like to say to the aunt to stop repeating the same last moment story to everyone and let the family grieve in peace without her adding her two pence. But how do I say this in a way she doesn't kick a fuss??? (She's that type to get rowdy if she's told what she's doing is not nice or correct and I don't want to add any drama for the grieving family). I find it really frustrating and I just think how must the daughters be feeling.

You seem to want other people to agree with your hierarchy of grief, and your idea of appropriate behaviour, OP. You don’t know that the dead person’s daughters are resenting the aunts’ visible grief (they might be touched someone else is very obviously sad), and what you see as ‘performance grieving’ might actually come from complex feeling — maybe the aunt who seldom saw the dead person feels bad about that. Maybe the aunt who was there when the person died was very shocked by it, and is imagining her own parents’ deaths. Death throws up all kinds of complicated and often not very nice emotions. You seem to be taking umbrage on behalf of two people who have given you no sign they need you to police other people’s behaviour.

I can understand but they are adults and have to deal with it in their own way. What can you do about it unless you tell the aunts directly and would it make any difference? Go and grieve for your relative and ignore them. I hope it goes ok tomorrow.

😔 more or less the same scenario I'm describing. She's not mentioned once how the deceaseds daughter has had to process witnessing her father slip away but has made it about herself (repeatedly). I've swayed to staying quiet and not bringing it up. I will be at hand to support the grieving family.

Keep away from the weird aunts. Nothing else you can do.

Long story short, you can't

Performative grief is disgusting and hopefully people will see them for the nutters they are, but unless you somehow prevent them from coming, you're going to get their embarrassing show.

Same. My mum and I sat in numb silence at my gran’s funeral in the other side of the aisle to the rest of the family. We did everything for her right until the last second while the rest of the family ‘lived their lives’ and just showed up on the day, way more emotional than us. Of course grief if weird, but still.
I am very good friends with the lovely lady vicar and she said seeing is sat alone was one of the most symbolic and haunting things she has seen in her time in ministry and she had to go and have a little cry in the vestry afterwards.

I had a step cousin and his wife skipping around at my dad's funeral telling everyone they were expecting a baby, to 'lighten the mood.'

Some people just have no idea how to behave.

I'm so sorry for your loss and sorry that you had to listen to the performance grieving. Other people at the funeral will have known they were idiots.

The behaviour of some people at the funeral of a close family member still causes me upset to this day. They clearly had no feelings, just there to gossip/gawp. Disgusting specimens. I understand.

My Mother always had to be the centre of attention, she was on stage when young until she had children so was very good at it. These sound like mild shenanigans compared to what she used to do. One of my sisters is the same. Christenings, weddings, funerals all of them.

I went to a wedding last year of a friend where a woman who was done up to the absolute eyeballs started wailing in the service with emotion. I ignored as best as I could by not turning my head nor asking her if she was allright after which some did.

Everyone grieves differently and it’s really not your place to say anything unless the daughters have asked you to. I could ignore the aunts being dramatic but I would be seriously pissed off at anyone causing a scene. Different people see different things.

Yes agreed, I just know if I did say something they'd react in the most horrendous way possible and victimise themselves. It is obvious to others around that it's too much, but saying nothing is better than something in this situation I suppose. Very sad to see other people having gone through similar experiences. I sympathise with you all and as someone said some people just don't know how to behave.