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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To back off from the friendship

35 replies

SquidwardsHopesAndDreams · 08/02/2024 13:22

Hi everyone, I think I've made up my mind but could still do with some reassurance/validation.

I've been friends with a guy for almost a decade. At the beginning of the friendship I think I was 17/18 and he was 23/24. I had strong feelings for him and because of his actions, I thought they were reciprocated (spending a lot of time together, holding hands, getting me small gifts). However, after all the time spent together, he completely changed his mind and I had experienced my first 'heartbreak'. It took a while for me to speak to him again as friends but eventually, we had a good, strong friendship.

Fast forward to this time last year, I was 24 and he was 31. We started to hang out more and I was really enjoying our time together but I remained under the impression that we were just friends hanging out. After a couple of months of us hanging out he asks "how would you feel about us dating?" I said I was quiet neutral and would see how things go. He told me he could see us together and had thought about marriage.

Long story short, the same thing as before has happened again. We went on dates, held hands, he got me little gifts etc and he's just changed his mind again. He's contacting me less frequently and so I hardly hear from him.

He messaged me last night and I said "it was nice to hear from you, we should meet soon" and he indirectly told me he doesn't want to, he said "but I'm right here" meaning via text. He's used this method of response before so I just said alright. He then back peddled and said "yes, we'll meet soon"

I'm not going to embarrass myself and beg for a friendship and I am happy to back away from him, it's just disappointing that the friendship was going so well and due to his indecisiveness once again, it's fizzling out.

OP posts:
GreyhpundGirl · 08/02/2024 13:44

Sack him off. He's had enough chances.

ILoveMyCatButHesAPervert · 08/02/2024 13:51

Was it ever really a friendship? A 23 year old man spending a lot of time and attention on a 17 year old girl looks like grooming, not friendship. You developed feelings for him and he's been messing with your head ever since.

Grab the realisation you've had and get free of him. Alternatively, can you imagine still being in this messy situation and calling it a friendship in another five years?

Toomanyemails · 08/02/2024 13:57

He just likes keeping you as an option. Enjoy your 20s and find other people to date, and some proper friends.

Toomanyemails · 08/02/2024 13:59

(I don't mean to imply you don't have friends by the way! Just that this man isn't one)

VickyEadieofThigh · 08/02/2024 13:59

Has he had any actual relationships with women?

Leeds2 · 08/02/2024 14:00

Sounds to me like he enjoys having you at his beck and call. I would minimise contact, not meet in person, and go out and make a concerted effort to make new friends who don’t treat you like this.

SquidwardsHopesAndDreams · 08/02/2024 14:01

Thanks everyone, you're all right! I'm meeting another friend this evening for dinner so I'm looking forward to that.

@ILoveMyCatButHesAPervert I have always believed it was a friendship. And, no, I'm not sure I can imagine dealing with it in another 5 years

OP posts:
SquidwardsHopesAndDreams · 08/02/2024 14:02

Toomanyemails · 08/02/2024 13:57

He just likes keeping you as an option. Enjoy your 20s and find other people to date, and some proper friends.

I have thought this but did not want to believe it!!

OP posts:
SquidwardsHopesAndDreams · 08/02/2024 14:03

VickyEadieofThigh · 08/02/2024 13:59

Has he had any actual relationships with women?

I think one very short term (less than 6 months) but most interactions with women have been FWB

OP posts:
Kaleidoscope2 · 08/02/2024 14:04

Bin him off, I had a friendship like this at university and it really messed with my head and self esteem. Although mine was even more bizarre as despite all the same things as what your friend is doing he claimed no interest in me whatsoever it was bizarre like I was his safety blanket or something. I look back now and think I wasted 2 years hoping he'd notice me and I could have had so much more fun in that time!

SquidwardsHopesAndDreams · 08/02/2024 14:04

Leeds2 · 08/02/2024 14:00

Sounds to me like he enjoys having you at his beck and call. I would minimise contact, not meet in person, and go out and make a concerted effort to make new friends who don’t treat you like this.

Thank you, that's exactly what I'm going to be doing x

OP posts:
SquidwardsHopesAndDreams · 08/02/2024 14:05

Kaleidoscope2 · 08/02/2024 14:04

Bin him off, I had a friendship like this at university and it really messed with my head and self esteem. Although mine was even more bizarre as despite all the same things as what your friend is doing he claimed no interest in me whatsoever it was bizarre like I was his safety blanket or something. I look back now and think I wasted 2 years hoping he'd notice me and I could have had so much more fun in that time!

I don't understand why they do this, it's such a waste of everyones time! Upon reflection, I'm happy with how things are turning out as I will put more time into my other actual friends

OP posts:
Excited101 · 08/02/2024 14:06

He’s not indecisive, he’s bored and likes your attention. Move on.

SquidwardsHopesAndDreams · 08/02/2024 14:07

Excited101 · 08/02/2024 14:06

He’s not indecisive, he’s bored and likes your attention. Move on.

You're right. Thank you

OP posts:
ILoveMyCatButHesAPervert · 08/02/2024 14:09

I understand that you thought it was a friendship, as it started when you were just 17 - there's the power imbalance right there.

I think you're going to have to be quite determined to move on, as he's very used to having your attention and ego-boost. He'll try to pull you back in. No contact is needed. Don't waste any more of your time or energy. 💜

Kaleidoscope2 · 08/02/2024 14:10

SquidwardsHopesAndDreams · 08/02/2024 14:05

I don't understand why they do this, it's such a waste of everyones time! Upon reflection, I'm happy with how things are turning out as I will put more time into my other actual friends

I think it fills up their cup enough without any commitment of a girlfriend and I think they do like you or me but just not enough as they can kinda have their cake and eat it too with their ego getting a boost when you hang out. And glad you've come to that conclusion so much sooner than I did!

SquidwardsHopesAndDreams · 08/02/2024 14:13

ILoveMyCatButHesAPervert · 08/02/2024 14:09

I understand that you thought it was a friendship, as it started when you were just 17 - there's the power imbalance right there.

I think you're going to have to be quite determined to move on, as he's very used to having your attention and ego-boost. He'll try to pull you back in. No contact is needed. Don't waste any more of your time or energy. 💜

Edited

That all makes sense. Yes I'm definitley going to find it hard to go NC but, it feels like it's going that way from his end already anyway. It's just hard when you've been friends for so long and have so much in common. It feels like he's essentially ruined the friendship but comes out "unscathed"

OP posts:
SquirrelsAssemble · 08/02/2024 14:14

I think it fills up their cup enough without any commitment of a girlfriend and I think they do like you, but just not enough

I think this is spot on.

At 31 he's too old to be playing those games.

SquidwardsHopesAndDreams · 08/02/2024 14:14

Kaleidoscope2 · 08/02/2024 14:10

I think it fills up their cup enough without any commitment of a girlfriend and I think they do like you or me but just not enough as they can kinda have their cake and eat it too with their ego getting a boost when you hang out. And glad you've come to that conclusion so much sooner than I did!

This makes sense! When I asked him if he still wanted things to continue in a "romantic direction" the one thing I remember him saying is that he doesn't want the commitment. Another thing that has annoyed me about this is the fact that I had to ask him where his head was at, he didn't come to me off his own back. If I hadn't have asked, he would have not said a thing

OP posts:
SquidwardsHopesAndDreams · 08/02/2024 14:15

SquirrelsAssemble · 08/02/2024 14:14

I think it fills up their cup enough without any commitment of a girlfriend and I think they do like you, but just not enough

I think this is spot on.

At 31 he's too old to be playing those games.

Even worse, he's 32 now 😅

OP posts:
SquidwardsHopesAndDreams · 08/02/2024 14:19

Could I ask, why have some of you voted yabu?

OP posts:
ILoveMyCatButHesAPervert · 08/02/2024 14:23

It feels like he's essentially ruined the friendship but comes out "unscathed"

Yes, that's what they do. Although underneath they're losers who can't even manage any kind of functional relationship.

I think it might help you to look back at yourself at 17 and ask: is this guy what you needed in your life? Really? You might get angry with how he used a young girl to meet his emotional needs, rather than grow the fuck up himself.

ILoveMyCatButHesAPervert · 08/02/2024 14:26

It's not just that they do like you but not enough, @Kaleidoscope2. They have also identified you as someone who might tolerate this shit. Due to age, low confidence, whatever. They'll have tried with others who will have put boundaries in place and moved on from them.

Can you tell I've been there? 😉

OriginalUsername2 · 08/02/2024 14:28

He doesn’t sound like a friend.

Kaleidoscope2 · 08/02/2024 14:34

ILoveMyCatButHesAPervert · 08/02/2024 14:26

It's not just that they do like you but not enough, @Kaleidoscope2. They have also identified you as someone who might tolerate this shit. Due to age, low confidence, whatever. They'll have tried with others who will have put boundaries in place and moved on from them.

Can you tell I've been there? 😉

Haha you and me both! That's likely still my denial that I wasn't such a walk over in a past life!

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