Blow up with parents

[Confused678866]

I live with my partner and two small children. I don't have the closest of relationships with my parents, particularly my mum due to lots of clashing, they have strange ways, we just don't agree on lots of things etc. We had a very explosive row a couple of years ago about 3 weeks after my second child was born. Some really awful things were said on both parts. They've never helped with childcare even though it is a possibility for them, they never really do anything with us. they do visit every couple of weeks usually (they moved 45 mins away before I had the children).
I thought we'd moved on from that row but it seems we haven't as lots of things have been brought up by them again recently.

So the most recent issue is, my youngests birthday was a few weeks ago, they couldn't visit on his birthday as I was at work and he was at MIL (she looks after him for me one day a week). They couldn't visit the following day due to one of them having work commitments and then they told me they were going away the following day so this ruled out them visiting completely. I then found out that they didn't go on holiday until the day after they'd stated but they hadn't bothered trying to contact me to arrange to visit him so I asked them why. I had a shitty response from my mum about issues at the house (fair enough) but for me, it was the fact they had no intention of visiting.

Didn't hear from my mum then for 2 weeks, my dad contacted me a couple of times as my mum was clearly sulking.
Then, my birthday rolled around, again, I heard from my dad but my mum didn't contact me to wish me a happy birthday.

A couple of days later, I spoke with my dad, I explained I was upset about my youngests birthday and we agreed to have a chat.

I had a chat with him a few days ago, parts of it got heated but overall we had a pretty decent chat. He answered a few of my questions and admitted that they'd forgotten about visiting my child on his birthday due to the issues they had going on in their house - Tbh, I'm sort of ok with that and he was honest but why couldn't my mum just say the truth when I asked?
He then advised to speak to my mum about her not contacting me on my birthday - she called me the next day very much geared up for a row. She said she didn't see the problem that she hadn't contacted me to wish me a happy birthday (she has never not wished me a HB in previous years).
She rakes up the past an awful lot, she feels like I treat them differently to my in laws (we go away together sometimes) and she thinks that I do these things to spite them because they don't help me with childcare. This is not the case at all, we just aren't very close so it's the way it flows really.
Then, the final straw for me was that she insulted me regarding when we had them over for a day over christmas. We put some food on, the day went well, they played with the kids, we chatted, got on fine, then went home.
Now, they have brought to my attention that the food I'd put on for them was 'a poor attempt at a DIY buffet' - My mum doesn't eat a lot and had told me previously not to go to too much bother regarding the food as they won't eat a lot.... Sorry, but what?! So I act on what she says, then I have it thrown in my face that it wasn't good enough? They were coming to see us and spend time with the children, I didn't realise that my food was going to be judged and then therefore I'd be judged??!?!
I know this food thing probably sounds really petty, but they were both vile on the phone, very insulting and just downright mean tbh.

I've told my partner, he is fuming. He says they aren't welcome in the house anymore and they've just gone too far as a situation can never be crushed with them.

I'd just like some other opinions on this and what would you do if it was you?

Thank you x

Sounds like you are dealing with an extra stroppy dc... Leave her to it imo. Keep in contact with your df... Let her stew... You have done absolutely nothing wrong op.

She has never grown up has she? Mine is also like this and growing up, she was so petty and pathetic and now as a grown up, her nonsense continues. Since your mother doesn't do anything for you or your kids, I would just back right off.

True story my dm flounced out of my house one night... Didn't see her for 10 years.. I literally left her to it. Only contacted her in the end for legal reasons.. Divorce!! And regretted it...

She really hasn't ever grown up. I hear the way she talks about others, her family etc, she's very negative, always feels like people have things easier/better than her but then does nothing for herself to help the situation.
The funniest thing about them not helping with the children is she accused me in our row the other day of never letting them have 'unsupervised' visits with my children. My response, 'how can you have an unsupervised visit with them when you don't ever look after them?'.. What do they want me to do? Go out when they visit and stand on the drive for a couple of hours??
They looked after the kids once last year as me and my partner had been invited out for a birthday drink - They had them at my house for around 3 hours, I came home (partner stayed out), they were waiting in the window for me to arrive in the taxi, they had their shoes on, I walked in and they walked out within a minute. My mum commented on how full on the kids are (they were 4 and 1 at the time). What does she expect? They've never looked after then again!!

Oh wow, 10 years! You regretted contacting her or leaving it 10 years? Do you speak now?

Sounds like nothing is ever right or good enough for your mother, and your father enables it. My parents are very similar. It's absolutely exhausting. I have very limited contact with my parents - it was a long process of guilt and grieving, but life is definitely more peaceful now. I had a lot of psychotherapy to help find my way through it all and I would recommend therapy very highly

People like your parents (and mine) don't change - they want everything on their terms. If you challenge them, you either get a load of abuse or you get ignored. Either way, they're raging at you for the crime of wanting to be seen and heard. I would back right off for now. How would it feel to start considering that you might not ever get what you need from them emotionally?

Regretted making up with her.. Within 2 weeks. Bumbled on for less than 2 years then went nc again. Been 12 years. Won't be contacting her again.

That's exactly how it feels. I've even been ridiculed for moaning about my extortionate childcare costs and my mortgage going through the roof - they say when I talk about it, they feel guilty because they could have helped with the childcare but choose not to. It's not my fault they feel guilty is it? It's theirs! But it's used against me.

Tbh, I do feel that I only really make the effort that I do for my kids sake and I think that's probably how they see it too. I'm happy to back off and leave them to it. I think I'm already very aware that I'll never anything from emotionally and I think I have accepted that... it's just the constant insults and accusations that are now really wearing me down because it's hard to forget isn't it?

My mum has said some really awful things to me in the past (I have said things back, I won't lie), but one thing she said regarding my first born and that I wasn't a very nice mum - It will never leave me. I do absolutely everything for my children, I work, I run a lovely house, I'm there for them for absolutely everything. My partner works his fingers to the bone to enable us a lovely lifestyle, amazing holidays so we can all have much deserved family time together and then my mum comes out with that BS. She admitted she'd said it out of spite afterwards, but who says things like that out of spite???

So she hadn't changed then? I think some people just never change do they?

The not visiting on your youngest's birthday thing sounds like no big deal to me - I really don't think it should be expected that grandparents have to see their grandkids for their birthdays. It wouldn't even occur to a lot of families. A card and a present is fine. But yes, of course they should have been honest about it instead of lying.

However, not acknowledging your own birthday at all, then denying that this mattered, then having a go at you because of a buffet?? Yeah, that's insane. Your mum sounds like incredibly hard work and very needy and selfish and petty.

She's obviously noticed that you have a different relationship with your in-laws... and yet at no point has it occurred to her that the reason you have a better relationship with your in-laws is because your in-laws aren't bloody horrible to you! Incredible.

one thing she said regarding my first born and that I wasn't a very nice mum - It will never leave me

And you know what, she knew it would never leave you.

As she admitted - she said it out of spite, knowing full well that it was the most hurtful thing she could possibly say to you and also that it isn't true. That's awful.

At this point I think I'd be wanting nothing to do with her. As a PP said - it sounds like your dad basically just indulges and enables her.

Yes I know what you mean as not all families do that, but mine do and I guess it's what I'm used to.. I did say to my dad that I'm over it, it's done, I just wanted an explanation rather than lying.

Yes the biggest thing for me was her totally ignoring me on my birthday, it was incredibly hurtful and something I would never do to my own children.
This is how she is, very petty. She has far too much time on her hands so whenever anything happens, she makes a mountain out of a molehill and looks for things that don't exist but then tries to use them in a disagreement and it's just exhausting.

Exactly this - My MIL treats me with respect, makes time for the children, enjoys things with us and because my parents know that, they use it against me.
I suppose I blame myself a little but for always telling them stuff that may involve the in laws (just in general conversation)... maybe I should keep more to myself.

Yes, I think you're right. She knows that I've never forgave her for it but I've just tried to move forward for the sake of the children I guess.

He does - he never used to though.
The conversation I had over the phone with him the other day went ok in the end and he spoke to me with respect. As soon as I spoke to him again and my mum was in the room, he was like a totally different person. Oh, and my mum shouted in the background 'I told you not to talk to her!!!!'

NICE.

Solidarity OP, my mum is just like this. It’s exhausting. She’s very good as dishing it out but my god, doesn’t take kindly to any criticism or home truths back. I keep my mum at a very long arm length emotionally, I tell her the bare minimum, keep everything ‘ok’ at a surface level. I never rise to the bait anymore, even if I’d be justified to, I’ve come to realise she thrives on it.

I think this is the approach I'd need to take if we do ever speak again. I've realised that so many things I sit and chat about are used against me and that's just due to me sitting chatting innocently and then BAM they get thrown at my face after she's twisted them to her liking.
Arms length would definitely be the way forward.

'it's just the constant insults and accusations that are now really wearing me down because it's hard to forget isn't it

Of course it is. It's meant to be. You sound very pragmatic and realistic about the situation. Do yourself a favour and take yourself out of the firing line. Why on earth should you put up with the way they treat you? And what good would it do your children to be around people like this?

You're right. I wouldn't allow anyone else around my children who treat me this way, so why should I allow them just because they're my parents?

Yep, even the most innocuous thing will get twisted by my mum. She’s NC with her sibling who opted out of dancing to her tune, my Dad enables her as he just wants a quiet life.

I’m ok with it all. The surface ok relationship means there isn’t the guilt/anger that I'd feel after arguments, it means there isn’t the lying awake at night thinking how to respond to the most recent text etc. I feel like I’ve one up on her now, she tries her hardest to goad to into a response and she’ll never get one from me again. I don’t grieve the lack of that lovely mum/daughter relationship. Our strategy, as in me, my DH and DD is one of finding humour in it. So after any convo/visit we have a checklist…did my DM bitch about her so called friends? Tick! Did she give you a detailed rundown on the health of someone we’ve never even met? Tick! Etc

She also runs hot and cold with my tween DD who needs no telling that my DM is utterly toxic, she can see it for herself. But we talk very openly about it and my relationship with my DD could not be more different.

Sorry OP feel like I’ve spewed out my parental woes on your thread 🤣 you’ll find your own way to detach and deal/accept it, NC isn’t for everyone. It’s great your DH is onside. Mine is too, he’ll pop and see my folks sometimes, he calls it ‘taking one for the team’

She does sound very similar to my mum. She has siblings she doesn't speak to, she constantly bitches about them and how much money they have, how easy life is etc and my dad enables it by joining in. It's sad that my dad has changed so much as he was never that way before, he'd tell her when she's wrong, he wouldn't get involved in things that didn't concern him etc but now he is totally different.

I think this is the point that I need to get to - being able to ignore triggering things she says and not giving her the response/reaction she's clearly looking for.
Me and my partner are already a bit like that tbh, if he knows my mum has visited, he will say 'who was in the firing line today? Who is she jealous of today?' So I think we're both very aware of how she is and how she's always been, I just need to get away from the emotional side I think.

That's the thing for me regarding the children, it's made me so aware of how I never want to be with them - not that I ever would be as that just isn't my nature but my god it's taught me a few things!

'she tries her hardest to goad to into a response and she’ll never get one from me again.'

Wow. Thats such a position of power. I hope it brings you great peace and contentment, I'm sure it's been hard won

Haha, oh no not at all! It's nice to hear that it isn't just me tbh (without wishing it on others) but I think when you don't have the conversations with other people, you can easily wonder 'Is it me? Should I not do/say that?'. It's reassuirng.
Taking one for the team - love it!!

I think there’s lots of us out there. I’ll have the occasional ‘is it me?’ moment but I know it isn’t. I’m far from perfect but she’s next level! It’s not you.

@Lottapianos yes, I’ve realised the only thing I have power over is how I respond. My mum will never change. She does her best to goad, snide comments, huffing and tutting. I can see it what it is now, me/DD/DH will exchange an amused eye roll now.

Your mum's behaviour is definitely unreasonable and hurtful. There's absolutely no excuse for ignoring you on your birthday.
However, I do wonder if you're actually both quite similar. You both seem to be easily hurt, hold on to grudges and say unkind things to each other. The fact that she didn't see your son on his birthday is no big deal (in my opinion). They were about to go away, they were having work done on the house and your son was actually unavailable on his birthday anyway. There was a lot going on for them. I don't understand why you made such a big thing of this. It was you being upset with your mum over this that led to her sulking and ignoring you on your birthday. I'm not saying she was she justified. She absolutely was not!! But was there really a need for such drama in the first place?
It sounds like they do make an effort in some ways. They come and visit you every two weeks. There's no mention of you going to visit them.
It seems you both get upset with each other a lot and lash out with hurtful words. Communication is a big problem between you. I think what your mum said about your Christmas buffet was rude and ridiculous, but possibly she was feeling attacked and defensive.

Me and my mum are nothing alike, I'd just like to get that out there first.

As for my childs birthday, the reason I was unimpressed was because she says she feels pushed out of things and that she doesn't see them enough but when she has the chance to, she doesn't.
The main thing around his birthday was her saying 'If we don't go away on the Sunday, we will come over if that's ok?' To which my response was 'yes, of course, we're in pretty much all day so come over'.
I think that because my dad admitted they had forgotten about his birthday, I now know why she reacted like she did - She will never admit when she's in the wrong so straight away she's rude and offensive. It would have pained her to say they had forgotten.

I wasn't sulking with my mum, we had a text conversation when I asked why they didn't come over, I went about it in a VERY polite way and then at the end of it I get 'Leave it there'... So I did? She sulked with me from the very moment I asked where she was.

In my opinion, whether you have had a disagreement with your child or not, you don't ignore their birthday. A simple text (which is what she would usually do) to say 'Happy birthday' isn't hard is it?

The reason I don't visit them is because of the last row, she told me I should be bundling up my 3 week old and my 2yo after having a c-section and technically not allowed to drive and I should be doing the 80 mile round trip to visit them. I travel 60 miles a day for my job, I spend 3 hours a day in the car so we had an agreement eventually (which my dad suggested) that they will come to me as it's easier for them, they have more time, don't have to travel with children etc.
I will visit their house occasionally but sadly it's just too far week in week out with two small children.

This is it though, feeling attacked and defensive about what? Ignoring my birthday? She can't own it one minute by saying she doesn't see an issue in ignoring her daughters birthday and then the next minute start crying over a buffet! Also, may I add about the buffet thing, her words were 'I bet you would have gone to more effort for your in-laws wouldn't you?'
Get a fucking grip woman.
She has issues. She's never grown up. She has too much time on her hands to look into every single thing and find a fault. She's never happy. Always moaning... So I don't think the issue is me.