Blow up with parents

[Confused678866]

I live with my partner and two small children. I don't have the closest of relationships with my parents, particularly my mum due to lots of clashing, they have strange ways, we just don't agree on lots of things etc. We had a very explosive row a couple of years ago about 3 weeks after my second child was born. Some really awful things were said on both parts. They've never helped with childcare even though it is a possibility for them, they never really do anything with us. they do visit every couple of weeks usually (they moved 45 mins away before I had the children).
I thought we'd moved on from that row but it seems we haven't as lots of things have been brought up by them again recently.

So the most recent issue is, my youngests birthday was a few weeks ago, they couldn't visit on his birthday as I was at work and he was at MIL (she looks after him for me one day a week). They couldn't visit the following day due to one of them having work commitments and then they told me they were going away the following day so this ruled out them visiting completely. I then found out that they didn't go on holiday until the day after they'd stated but they hadn't bothered trying to contact me to arrange to visit him so I asked them why. I had a shitty response from my mum about issues at the house (fair enough) but for me, it was the fact they had no intention of visiting.

Didn't hear from my mum then for 2 weeks, my dad contacted me a couple of times as my mum was clearly sulking.
Then, my birthday rolled around, again, I heard from my dad but my mum didn't contact me to wish me a happy birthday.

A couple of days later, I spoke with my dad, I explained I was upset about my youngests birthday and we agreed to have a chat.

I had a chat with him a few days ago, parts of it got heated but overall we had a pretty decent chat. He answered a few of my questions and admitted that they'd forgotten about visiting my child on his birthday due to the issues they had going on in their house - Tbh, I'm sort of ok with that and he was honest but why couldn't my mum just say the truth when I asked?
He then advised to speak to my mum about her not contacting me on my birthday - she called me the next day very much geared up for a row. She said she didn't see the problem that she hadn't contacted me to wish me a happy birthday (she has never not wished me a HB in previous years).
She rakes up the past an awful lot, she feels like I treat them differently to my in laws (we go away together sometimes) and she thinks that I do these things to spite them because they don't help me with childcare. This is not the case at all, we just aren't very close so it's the way it flows really.
Then, the final straw for me was that she insulted me regarding when we had them over for a day over christmas. We put some food on, the day went well, they played with the kids, we chatted, got on fine, then went home.
Now, they have brought to my attention that the food I'd put on for them was 'a poor attempt at a DIY buffet' - My mum doesn't eat a lot and had told me previously not to go to too much bother regarding the food as they won't eat a lot.... Sorry, but what?! So I act on what she says, then I have it thrown in my face that it wasn't good enough? They were coming to see us and spend time with the children, I didn't realise that my food was going to be judged and then therefore I'd be judged??!?!
I know this food thing probably sounds really petty, but they were both vile on the phone, very insulting and just downright mean tbh.

I've told my partner, he is fuming. He says they aren't welcome in the house anymore and they've just gone too far as a situation can never be crushed with them.

I'd just like some other opinions on this and what would you do if it was you?

Thank you x

@SallyWD I should add that this latest drama is just one a very long line of dramas with her.

She is very jealous of the nice relationship you have with your inlaws OP. My mum was the same. You will never dispell that jealousy/paranoia that you like them best so don't waste your energy trying. It comes from a place of guilt within her. She knows she's behaved badly.

Sadly, I recognise everything about your mum, and I'm laughing but it's not funny.

I'm 53 now and it took me until the age of 49 to realise that my mum is a narcissist and my dad enables it and her treatment of me over the years has been awful. We have had almighty rows and, like you, I've said awful things and we've spent years throughout my life not talking to each other, making up, then rowing again over the most stupid things that my mum takes exception to. Once my mum disagreed with the fact that I wanted to buy a car with electric back windows so my dog could put his head out - that led to 6 months of being ignored because I disobeyed. I was 48.

With my mum it boils down to having to maintain total control and the lack of this is what drives her to explode. I have aspects of my mum in me but I recognise these and try to be better, and I AM better. My mum is selfish and takes joy in being miserable and making others miserable by default. We haven't spoken since the first day of lockdown in March 2020, and my life is all the better for it; I have no intention of ever speaking to them again, and my mum and dad can suck up their joyless life because I am finally free of it and I am so much happier without the black cloud hovering over me.

Nobody has the right to make you miserable, OP, or to make you feel less than you are.

Mentioning ils stirred a memory op... I had a dc very young.. Set up home with bf. His dps were very supportive.. Dm was apparently just pleased me being pale and tired didn't mean I was on drugs... Anyway dm had bused over to see our new flat.. Ils had a van and turned up unannounced.. Dm actually put her coat on and flounced off.. Travelled at least a bus and train ride straight back home. Was a sign of things to come... Pandered to her far too long...

Ok, having read more context I can see she is being very unreasonable. It sounds difficult OP. I'm not sure how you handle someone like that! Your dad seems more reasonable.

Wow, she really didn't want you to have that car did she?! Sorry I'm laughing but I shouldn't be!

It's definitely the element of lack of control with your mum isn't it? Thinking about it, lots of things do boil down to that with my mum too. Stuff with the kids, making comments when we've taken them on long haul flights and that she wouldn't do that etc.. But then equally would never get her hands dirty to help looking after them if we went away without them. Literally cannot win!

I am happy for you that you have a happier life now, you deserve it.

My mum definitely takes enjoyment from making nasty comments, moaning about things, talking about others. She's extremely bad for making nasty comments in the heat of the moment but sadly they're comments that can't be forgotten by me.

I am going to sit back and do nothing tbh, they've had so much of time lately, they've made me feel rubbish and if they want to change and make things better then great, but if they don't, I can't make them and won't try to!

Good for you OP. Please try hard to not give it too much headspace x she doesn’t deserve it.

She really didn't!! I bought that bloody car and my dog had many more years of putting his head out of the window and blowing his ears about!!

Having also had a narcissist partner for a year before I realised I was going out with my mum (!), I realise that they are incapable of being truly happy, even though they have the capacity for an amazing life, plenty of money, lovely house, etc. They just seem to want to wallow and drag others down into their mire of shit by making hurtful comments and criticising; other people's misery is what gives them satisfaction.

Really, it's a life wasted. I'm glad that I realised this before I became a clone of her and wasted mine.

I couldn't agree more. That's an incredibly nasty, malicious person right there.
You don't need that in your life and neither do your kids, or your partner who has rightly had enough. She'll start on your children in the same way when they're older.

I think the thing that stands out to me is "Tbh, I do feel that I only really make the effort that I do for my kids sake and I think that's probably how they see it too"

You want them to have lovely grandparents on both sides of the family because you already have one set who are lovely, helpful, invested and so you can see how far your own parents fall short. I too had this as a child but my Mum continued to take us to see the nasty grandparent and I can tell you that it is awful to witness someone taking verbal swipes at your parents and being taken to see them again and again. I was 18 when she died so it was very clear to all of us children what a nasty, vindictive, vicious woman she could be.

So stop it now. I think if you sit and think about what positives she brings to your life they are possibly none. I think you need to look up FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) as reasons why you stay in contact rather than enjoy her company, how loving she is etc.

Re your Dad he can make a choice, you can stay in contact with him (my MIL did this with her parents, saw her Dad but not her Mum) but ultimately your Dad may choose his wife. As we often say in this house "she gives him the sex" it came from a film but it just means behaviour is ignored because the person is in a relationship with the crazy person.

'Sorry I'm laughing but I shouldn't be!'

The toddler style rages, and the flouncing, and the sulking from a grown adult are so ludicrous that they are actually funny. I've laughed at my own parents' behaviour but also been absolutely gutted and deeply hurt by it.

I remind myself that my mother is really a 6 year old girl inside - she can't wait, can't share, needs to be in charge all the time, sulks or rages when she gets any pushback. It helps, but it's also WEIRD as hell to realise how stunted your own parent is emotionally

I’m literally living this thread in my life at the moment

💐