Or do I just accept it

[AnotherMarie]

So basically I am fed up in my marriage. My DH works long hours and it varies when he is getting home. He does earn a decent amount (75k) and I do appreciate that he has to work. He has season tickets for various sports and hobbies 2 nights per week which can leave him doing something at least every Saturday/Sunday. He also has a lads night once per week and goes to various gigs etc. He says I am being unreasonable and its healthy to get out with friends etc, which I agree, I would love to go out with my friends but I am so tired I would rather just go to bed. I have raised the concern with him and he has dropped the hobby that he does twice a week. I can still never guarantee when he is coming home from and it makes me so miserable and I feel so alone.

People always describe these kind of lazy shits and then call them nice guys or great Dad. They are simply none of those and they are not decent humans. If you see that the person you’re meant to love is struggling and feeling overwhelmed, you step up and support them. What an idiot.

That’s not what a “nice guy” says or does though.

Your post at 12.03 really resonated with me.

I had a husband who seemed to be such a great guy (to everyone else). I felt I came last in the pecking order.

Please don’t believe everything he says. It may be true what he says about what his family thinks, but it’s just as likely they don’t.

He wants to convince you that he is not being unreasonable and to shut you up so he can continue doing his own sweet thing. It suits him, he has unlimited freedom because you don’t.

The reason you question yourself constantly is because your gut is telling you one thing, and by believing everything your husband says, your head is telling you another. Please listen to your gut.

Therapy sorted me out. In fact after just one session I realised it was him not me.

Ask yourself, does he treat you like his equal?

I agree it’s important to socialise with friends but that’s true for you both!

A lads night once a week!! That’s ridiculous.

It doesn’t sound like he allocates enough time to spend time with his family at all.

The way I see it is do you want to look back in 10years and say I was tired and lonely for most of my 20/30s

No wonder you are tired I have a 2 yr old and work 3 days a week and am zonked and my partner is very supportive.

I do think it is important for people to be individuals in a relationship and have outside interests but not to the detriment to the family unit.

Your husband's work sounds like a deal breaker to me, not having a firm time they would be home that they could meet 95% of the time would just be a huge no.

Case in point my partner is on a half day wfh today and was meant to finish 15mins ago and my patience is now thin as its my time he is taking from.

I seriously would put my little one in nursery full time with his wages and use the time to build up yourself for a while. Or take some time off work whilst your children are in school/nursery

At the end of the day if you split up what would change, chances are you would do everything you do now with less disposable income.

I would treat it as he is obviously not concerned about my happiness that I would put that to the front of my interests. Organise babysitters instead of relying on him, take him out of the equation. Treat yourself as a single parent and madate that one day per weekend is family time, he puts himself first you should do the same (even if just means self care time)

He said I get 2 free days per week (school hours) to do what I like with, he only has evenings.

If he put effort into arranging date nights with you or days out with the kids then I say hobbies are fine in balance on the proviso you get a similar amount of time for your socialising or hobbies… that doesn’t sound like it’s the case here.

Doesn’t sound like you spend time together you just look after his kids and clean his house? So basically you’re his nanny. So no I wouldn’t spend the short time we have here living like with someone like that.

He doesn't sound nice and he's gaslighting you by telling you his family think you're unreasonable.

So start using those days to do what you like and tell him he’s in charge of cleaning the bathroom, doing 2 loads of laundry every weekend and cooking dinner 3 times a week. Because it’s not like you’re sat on your arse doing nothing during “your time”

he says he doesn't have a finish time, so have to assume he is always late. It really bothers me.

You’re his mum, you have married a teenage boy.

thats understandable of many office jobs but doesn’t stop him communicating “I’m leaving work now, home in an hour”
or saying “I’ll make sure I leave at 6 today so you can make it to your appointment”

out of interest, how many times did he have to miss his weekday hobby because he couldn’t get out of work on time? Because it sounds like he can manage his own time fine when he wants to.

Just to mention 'nice guys' in many ways can also have a totally selfcentred side to them- my first marriage was like this and my current one of 28 years has elements of it too - but without young kids in the mix- my first husband expected to carry on as if he was young and single- but with me flying the flag at home. I was never asked/consulted- just 'told' he would be out at xyz on such a day. It builds resentment.

I do think he's right that having your own things to do makes you a more interesting person- however not when it's very one sided and this clearly is. I think you need to say that if he has 2 nights out , you need to have a regular weekly night out too- doesn't matter if you go to a bar and read a book or meet a friend or go to gym - you need to allocate that time. Same at weekend - he needs a 4 hour slot either on a Saturday or Sunday where he is responsible for kids and either you do something separate or together as a family- otherwise I will be frank he will end up divorced and he needs to be aware of that - and he will possibly actually have more childcare at set times than he has now.

In your first post you didn't mention kids and I was thinking fair enough. But given you have 2 young children, then you are absolutely right and he's taking the piss. I just don't understand the mind set of having children and then wanting to be away from them every weekend.

I'd be pointing out to him if you did as he does, and fucked off every weekend, there would be zero time together as a family. He's not a nice guy, he's just another guy who has children and continues to live as if he's single.

And I hate to say it but there are some men who are totally unsuited to family life or fatherhood and problem is you often don't really know till you are in that position- many of these guys come over pre kids that they will be great dads as they can be kind and fun etc - but the reality is they want life to continue exactly as it was pre kids and cannot- will not compromise at all.

Also, making you miss your hair appt is so selfish and unreasonable.

It's really depressing how often we read on here how women are treated by the men that supposedly love them. He has little respect for you and little care for his children. I honestly think you can't reason with these men and the only way they learn is by being on the receiving end...I.e. I'd ask him to look after the kids while you run an errand or similar, and then just not come home for a few hours, "oh sorry ran into my friend and went for food". Thats what he is doing to you every time he doesn't come back from work. Maybe then he'll understand what he does to you.

He doesn't seem interested in spending any time with you, I'm sorry

I put his work stuff in a bag outside one night as I was so angry he did not come home again. SIL said it was so nasty of me would hate for my son to have to ever go through that (she does not have kids)

Op, just stop living like this already. You're neglected and miserable. I would absolutely refuse to live like this. You should be the most important person in your husband's life, and you're barely an afterthought. Fuck that. You've got one life, op. Don't waste it.

= not actually a nice guy.

Ensuring you have no time for yourself, refusing to give things up so he can commit to the family he is a member of, then telling you "everyone thinks it's your fault"? Not a nice guy.

I'd be interested to know what he's telling them, too, and what they're saying in reality.

He sounds very selfish and living as a single man. Why isn't he making time for you and the kids.

He said you get two days to yourself in the week? Does your toddler go to nursery on those days or home with you? If they are home with you then you literally have no time for yourself? Looking after a 2 year old is a full time job and no you can't go for a nice meal, enjoy your time with friends, or do hobbies, or go for a hair cut etc

I started typing things you could do but honestly I think you need to leave or make him go to counselling to see your point of view. Because what I'm seeing is someone who had a family but carries on as normal. Someone who sabotaged his wife every time she tries to do something, by being late, when in all likelihood (if he had a hobby or was meeting mates) he would manage to be on time. Someone who isn't bothered about seeing his kids. Someone who thinks it's important for their mental health to have extensive hobbies and interests outside the home but is happy with this meaning that the other parent never has time for those hobbies and interests for themselves. Someone who gets their family to bully their wife when they disagree rather than actually trying to listen to what point you're trying to make. And Someone who ultimately thinks that because they earn decent enough money, they are more important in the relationship and can do what they like because you're trapped financially.

The only other thing I'd consider doing is just fucking off for the weekend. Get up early and just go and stay with family or go and visit somewhere yourself. You can talk again but it's not having any difference. So showing him how this actually feels might help. Text him that some time alone to do things you can't do in the week is really important and healthy and then turn your phone off.

Sounds like having some support to talk through your low self esteem in this relationship could be helpful? It would help you to feel clearer about your needs & boundaries.

Can I be completely honest with you?

You need to get a backbone and tell him he needs to step up as a parent / husband or it’s over.

You sound utterly miserable and he is treating you like a maid whilst he goes out and about living his life.

“Accepting it” would be an awful thing to do.

Life is too short, OP.

I would book myself a hotel room for Sunday and then go, say nothing to him and phone him and tell him you will be home in time for him to leave for work on Monday morning.