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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

These are reasonable house rules aren’t they??!

42 replies

houserulesteen · 07/02/2024 15:12

Ds 19 wants to invite his new gf over - I have younger dc as well (ds 19 and ds16 actually share a room) he wants new gf over and for ds to agree to keep out for the day !

we’ve said that in terms of relationships it’s not just that anyone can stay at anytime (he seems to have a lot of what I’d call very short term relationships) it has to be longer term and he can’t just kick ds out as it’s his room too! He’s really furious ! Surely this is normal . I also have a daughter and I don’t want her to see her brother bringing home multiple women etc I feel that it’s fine but when it’s a proper relationship? Apparently other parents aren’t this strict

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 07/02/2024 15:14

Not unreasonable. If he wants privacy he can rent a hotel room. Or he could make his brother a financial offer to stay out for the day!

Original poster
houserulesteen · 07/02/2024 15:14

19lottie82 · 07/02/2024 15:14

Not unreasonable. If he wants privacy he can rent a hotel room. Or he could make his brother a financial offer to stay out for the day!

Edited

Yes ! Exactly!!

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 07/02/2024 15:15

I always allowed my ds to bring girlfriends over but he had his own room. It's not fair to kick his brother out.

PuttingDownRoots · 07/02/2024 15:16

Do you have another room they can hang out in, uninterrupted?

Having your girlfriend over isn't an unreasonable request. Obviously overnights aren't possible due to the room sharing situation

sprigatito · 07/02/2024 15:18

The shared room is an issue - of course your younger son can't be kicked out of his bedroom. Is there any way they could have their own space? A partition, perhaps?

I don't think your other stipulation is valid at all. He's 19, an adult, so his relationships are his own business and not yours to police. He should be able to bring his girlfriend to his home regardless of how serious the relationship is. It's not his responsibility to model your idea of moral behaviour to your daughter; that's your job. He's not doing anything illegal, or even wrong.

Fredthefrog · 07/02/2024 15:19

You don't have the space. Its not strictness just reality. They can always hangout at the girlfriends house for privacy or hotel as above.

StickyGee · 07/02/2024 15:19

It's the lack of privacy at that age that's the problem

Octavia64 · 07/02/2024 15:20

Having girlfriends over to the house generally is a perfectly reasonable request.

When I was at uni a number of people had twin rooms and on occasion one person would stay out all night/ bunk on someone else's floor by arrangement.

However as this is in your house it is up to you. Can't imagine the brother would be very impressed but maybe he can be induced.

If you don't want her to stay over then that is your prerogative however you can never be sure at this age if it will turn into a long term relationship in which case you have definitely got off on the wrong foot!

Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2024 15:21

sprigatito · 07/02/2024 15:18

The shared room is an issue - of course your younger son can't be kicked out of his bedroom. Is there any way they could have their own space? A partition, perhaps?

I don't think your other stipulation is valid at all. He's 19, an adult, so his relationships are his own business and not yours to police. He should be able to bring his girlfriend to his home regardless of how serious the relationship is. It's not his responsibility to model your idea of moral behaviour to your daughter; that's your job. He's not doing anything illegal, or even wrong.

Give over. It's the op's house, and whatever rules she lays down prevail. Op, your son isn't entitled to do anything in your home that you don't sanction, and what your younger children are exposed to is 100% your business. If you don't want his girlfriends staying over, tell him that and end the conversation. He can move out if he doesn't like it.

Original poster
houserulesteen · 07/02/2024 15:23

Octavia64 · 07/02/2024 15:20

Having girlfriends over to the house generally is a perfectly reasonable request.

When I was at uni a number of people had twin rooms and on occasion one person would stay out all night/ bunk on someone else's floor by arrangement.

However as this is in your house it is up to you. Can't imagine the brother would be very impressed but maybe he can be induced.

If you don't want her to stay over then that is your prerogative however you can never be sure at this age if it will turn into a long term relationship in which case you have definitely got off on the wrong foot!

He has asked a few times can I give up my office so he can have his own room and I said ‘of course this will be the amount of rent though’ and then he didn’t want to he would rather pay nothing and share but that comes with it’s own problems and I think he wants the best of both worlds !

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 07/02/2024 15:26

Is he still in college or is he at uni/working? If the latter two he should be paying towards his keep anyway.

BoohooWoohoo · 07/02/2024 15:26

Yanbu - he can’t have things both ways.

How would he respond if his younger brother told him to go out for the day because he wanted to hang out with his gf?

sprigatito · 07/02/2024 15:27

@Aquamarine1029 was there any need to be rude? OP asked for opinions; I gave mine Confused

Yes, it's OP's house, and yes she can make whatever rules she likes, but if she asks on a public forum whether they are reasonable or not then it's acceptable to answer, is it not?

I think it's unreasonable to be policing an adult's relationships to the point where they are only allowed to have their partner in their home if Mum deems it serious enough. It's controlling and unhealthy to micromanage your adult children like this.

sprigatito · 07/02/2024 15:28

I do agree that he can't kick his younger brother out though.

Bythefireside · 07/02/2024 15:29

Their house their rules. He’s not a paying lodger. He wants to set his own rules move out. It’s called respect.

Pancakedayisthebest · 07/02/2024 15:30

This is why people move out at 18. It's time for him to fly

Original poster
houserulesteen · 07/02/2024 15:30

sprigatito · 07/02/2024 15:27

@Aquamarine1029 was there any need to be rude? OP asked for opinions; I gave mine Confused

Yes, it's OP's house, and yes she can make whatever rules she likes, but if she asks on a public forum whether they are reasonable or not then it's acceptable to answer, is it not?

I think it's unreasonable to be policing an adult's relationships to the point where they are only allowed to have their partner in their home if Mum deems it serious enough. It's controlling and unhealthy to micromanage your adult children like this.

But without that ‘micromanaging’ I think he would be bringing home a lot of women - I’m not saying he can’t I’m just trying to tell him that it needs to be a bit more serious and we need to not have random strangers in the house on some kind of conveyor belt I know he’s an adult but he needs to hear that and treat women with respect

OP posts:
Bythefireside · 07/02/2024 15:31

Not at all you can take time to get to know a person.

Original poster
houserulesteen · 07/02/2024 15:31

Pancakedayisthebest · 07/02/2024 15:30

This is why people move out at 18. It's time for him to fly

He’s been working and saving (hence why he shares and only pays for his food not actual rent) so hopefully it’s in the near future

OP posts:
Nonplusultra · 07/02/2024 15:34

It’s a really important part of parenting to have strong and clear boundaries for young adult children.

He has options, and they al come with consequences and limitations. You’re doing great op.

But I wouldn’t expect your ds to give you feedback that you’re reasonable….or MN for that matter. 🤣

User19798 · 07/02/2024 15:35

I think your rules are fine. But I find it very surprising you have an office whilst your DC share a room.

Beamur · 07/02/2024 15:36

If he wants a house to himself and privacy to have sex whenever then he can - in his own place when he moves out.
I'm the meantime he lives in your house and shares a room with him brother so will have to make other arrangements!

LoobyDop · 07/02/2024 15:39

I think it’s completely reasonable to draw a distinction between a serious relationship and a casual one. Allowing the former to stay over is about welcoming someone who is important to him, and might end up being part of your family. Not allowing the latter is about the family home being an inappropriate place to sow your wild oats. None of you want to have to encounter random strangers before breakfast, and I agree that it’s important for your younger children to see that you don’t condone potentially disrespectful treatment.

Alwaysalwayscold · 07/02/2024 15:40

User19798 · 07/02/2024 15:35

I think your rules are fine. But I find it very surprising you have an office whilst your DC share a room.

Why is that surprising? I presume OP needs an office to work in order to pay for the house. Sharing a bedroom is normal for many households.

Original poster
houserulesteen · 07/02/2024 15:46

User19798 · 07/02/2024 15:35

I think your rules are fine. But I find it very surprising you have an office whilst your DC share a room.

It’s a tiny box room really only small
enough for a single bed I just have a desk and chair in there currently but the room the boys share is huge

OP posts: