To be really unhappy with life.

[sadtimessally]

I just need to vent, and someone to tell me to man the fuck up really.

I'm so unhappy with my life, and have no idea how to fix it.

For context,

I'm turning 30 this week. I have a 3 year old child, I live in a house in an awful neighbourhood which I'm stuck in for a few more years until we can afford to move.

I work in the top of my salary band public sector in a 'woke job' that mumsnet hates with no future prospects to get promotions and at constant risk of being cut. Its unfulfilling but pays ok, and is super flexible around childcare.

My friends are great but honestly I don't even know if they like me or if we are friends because our kids are the same age.

My marriage is seriously rocky, but we both want another child - but agree we cant take that step until we start to get on better.

My hobbies are recently non existent as my husband works away a lot so I don't have the ability to go classes/hobbies anymore.

I'm overweight but constantly eating my emotions and seem to be totally addicted to bad unhealthy food. I have started working out, which helps me calm a little, but so unsatisfying.

I have just gained a 1st class degree in Business management and economics - which feels like such a waste and a 'micky house' degree as I have such a non impact in the world, and no career prospects. I wish I got a STEM degree where I could do something.

I wish I was in a nicer house, in a nicer area. I wish I had a job that actually made a difference in the world, I wish I had time to commit to a creative hobby I love, I wish I had friends who actually liked and made time for me, I wish I had family who wanted to spend time with us. I wish I was slimmer, and heathier, and had a better marriage, and generally just happier.

I have (if you cant tell) major depression and anxiety - normally I can pull myself out of the slumps with a mixture of medication and just muddling through.. But I cant seem to pull myself out of this one - I feel like just dropping it all and leaving, starting again (with my wonderful child of course - though they also exhaust me). Literally my whole life needs to be changed.

Tell me - if you were me, what would you do first? How would you get out of this slump? I'm already on the medication, I'm having the counselling. What physical thing would you do to start to change your life at 30? Please give me some inspiration!

(Note I cant afford to move house, or pay for uni again, or quit my job etc. - I'm very much on a budget)

That's a big wish list. Have you considered combining some of the wishes into a project?

For example you want to live in a nicer area, you want a purpose in life (paraphrasing) and you want to use your degree - could these be linked?

Areas can be changed if the people living in them work together to improve them. What is the main issue with your neighbourhood?

Are your meds right though? A bit of old fashioned counting your blessings would be a good starting point. I found reading around Buddhism and meditation benefical. Really planning out your food intake would be good. Not dieting, but eating for nourishment.

Sounds like it might be worth a trip to the GP to get your medication looked it. I personally think you need your dosage upping

That would be a nice idea - but I live in a council estate where nobody cares about anyone else, schools are poor, drug and crime use is relatively high, anti social behaviour is the norm - I'd be flogging a dead horse.

We are absolutely certain to move, but waiting until we can sell our current house, and afford to move to a smaller house in a nicer area. That's a project we are working on - may take a few years to save enough - but its just another string to my current 'meh' feeling about life.

@sadtimessally I'm really sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time.

I've had similar feelings at times and, whilst not everyone will find the same approaches helpful, some things that helped me were:-

1. Daily gratitude - write down 2 or 3 happy moments/things you are grateful for each day. Review them every couple of weeks and reflect on how you can bring more happy moments into your life (it can be really simple things like having 10 minutes to yourself with a hot drink, watching the sunset, wearing your favourite outfit).

1. Re job dissatisfaction - I'm in virtually the same boat (don't have kids yet, but really value future maternity benefits/flexibility). I remind myself that you can restart a career at 40, 50 or 60. I will stay in my job whilst it gives me balance in life. Then later, when I can hopefully afford to take a drop in salary, I will switch to doing something I enjoy.

1. Yoga with Adrienne (on youtube) - dim the lights, candle lit and take half an hour for yourself in the evenings especially when you're alone. It is very satisfying and calming.

1. Avoid buying snack food (easier said than done). I make sure I cook myself really nice main meals to avoid the temptation of snacking to offset the disappointment of a boring/tasteless dinner.

1. It took me ages to save for a house deposit. During this time I rented a not very nice house. I kept reminding myself how nice it would be to do up my own home one day. I kept a folder on my phone of screenshots/photos for inspo. This helped me feel like I was working towards a real goal. Maybe also a visual reminder of how far away you are - e.g. a savings tracker you can colour in each time you add to the deposit savings?

1. Re friends - it's not unusual to worry about things like this, but it isn't healthy to obsess. Keep building on those friendships, most friendships start from a common link (same class at school, same age kids, a shared hobby) but they evolve a grow beyond that. You don't want to start quizzing your friends about it, that won't end well, so try to remind yourself that if they didn't want to be bothered with you then they wouldn't do so; chances are, they do enjoy your company :)

Finally, I think you should be proud of yourself. You are a great mum, you are working on your marriage, you hold down a good job and you're working towards an even better future life. You've taken the hards steps of getting help with medication and counselling.

You deserve to be happier, and you can be happier, you've got this!

Maybe try some exercise that you can do with the little one, big walks or if your area is too horrible for walking try swimming. Ideally though get some fresh air on your skin

Oh bless you, that sounds really tough.

Have you looked into examining your thought patterns? I know that might be covered in your counselling, but you have presented your life here as if these were all facts, when in fact a lot of what you have written is either:

• catastrophising
• predicting the future
• reading people's minds
• black-and-white thinking

In other words, have you considered all these things from a different perspective? Challenging the assumptions you have made and asking yourself:

• Is this definitely true?
• What evidence is there to support this being true?
• Is there any other possible interpretation?
• Am I assuming I know things that are actually just fears?
• Has this actually happened yet, or is this something I am assuming will happen?

It's not easy, and it takes time, but challenging my thoughts like this has really helped me over the years.

I would also recommend reading How To Tell Your Depression To Piss Off.

I would look immediately into diet and exercise. Eat healthily and move more. You can exercise at home (YouTube videos etc).

Also sit down with your husband and work out why things arent great and try to work on those.

You aren't stuck in your job, but maybe take advantage of the flexibility and good pay whilst you focus on other stuff - ie don't change job and be stressed about that on top of trying to change other aspects of your life. You can look at new opportunities when you are feeling happier/stable.

Yes that's a huge wish list.

Can you break it down?
You have a good degree. Can you do something with that first? As a side ?
Could it open new doors for you?
Could you work towards a new job?( not quit your current job yet)
Perhaps by part time additional training ?

Concentrate also on your marriage. Try to get a joint plan with hubby to improve your situation ?

I think its overwhelming for you because you are trying to deal with it alone.

Go back through your list and write down the positives about your life. You have a lot of them.

Unpopular opinion but antidepressants can make you feel really cold, emotionless and flat. When I was on them I was completely unable to experience any joy or happiness. You describe life as “meh” which sounds a lot like me at that time. Perhaps discussing this with your doctor and coming up with a plan to taper off and see how you feel might help? Antidepressants can also increase anxiety and a feeling of restlessness.

If you can access meta cognitive therapy I can highly recommend it for both anxiety and depression. Its about breaking unhelpful patterns of thinking and bad coping mechanisms.

Are there any small positive changes you can put in place right now for little cost? Can you pick up a low investment creative hobby that you can learn at home, like knitting or crochet? Can you commit to reaching out to possible employers on a regular basis (maybe once a month) and applying for jobs that speak to your goals a bit better? Can you join a local activist or community group that is working on improving conditions in your area (e.g. picking up litter, painting a mural, planting a community garden etc)?

Well done on graduating. I have a degree in Business & Economics and it's kept me gainfully employed for the last 38 years so it isn't a dead loss at all.

It sounds like you need to do something that makes you FEEL that you are making progress.

Maybe choose two things that will help - apply for jobs on the next pay grade, and commit to getting some fresh air & exercise three times a week - and stick to it, even if your teeth are gritted. Lunchtimes?

Little steps.... xx

Start simple, meal plan and shop to the plan, avoid buying junk but do have a small treat available if you really need it. If I go to the shop just for a treat, I empty the cake aisle then start on the chocolate. How about a hobby that you can do at home, learn to crochet and start making a really nice blanket for your new house, it will take ages and fill a few evenings. Make YouTube your friend for techniques and also exercises. Try to get a walk regularly, it will get easier as the lighter nights come in. If there is nothing local, drive or take the bus to a nice park. 3 year old love the bus. And have that chat with your GP. You've recognised that you have a problem and that's half the battle.

I can categorically tell you that your degree is not Mickey Mouse. It’s a phenomenal achievement, a 1st class and with a 3 year old!

If you’ve recently graduated you may well still be able to access free career advice from your institution. If not, take a look at prospects.ac.uk as a starting point. I promise you have many, many career options. Most grad jobs are open to graduates of any degree.

Hope you are ok, just want to say about degree, I have a Business with Economics degree and worked in STEM and Finance roles very successfully for 18years, so don’t write it off. You have done very well and should be really proud of yourself.

Can you start a job search? A new job could be the catalyst for a lot of improvements on your list. Get really pro-active doing this, get really determined and get going with finding a better paid, more secure role that uses all your skills from your degree. Other things may start to fall into place after that
A bit of exercise and being disciplined on the junk food will help too

This. Well done, OP.

The other thing that occurs to me as contributing towards two of your goals, OP (I agree with a PP that you have a big wishlist, which probably feels overwhelming), is gardening. I'm having a tough time at the moment for various reasons, too, and though I'm a total novice attacking ground that is essentially a building site, I'm find very basic gardening very grounding and calming.

In your case, as you own the house and will want to sell in a few years to achieve one of your big objectives, a cared-for garden will help attract buyers.

(When I say 'gardening', I am literally digging compost into crappy soil in planter walls, and planting cheap herb plants that cost me two euro apiece. Important, I think to choose a small area to start with, preferably somewhere you can see from the house, or sit out in...?)

I suggest that you go ahead and have your second baby now, while you have a good age-gap between your children, you aren’t moving house and you have decent pay and maternity benefits.

Otherwise life upheavals could come along, the age gap will only grow and you may well find yourself never being ‘in the right moment’.

Everything else can be changed, improved or worked on but having children has a finite window.

It sounds like your life has been very hard work for a long time, and you don’t have the comfort of a happy marriage or living in a neighbourhood you like.

All good suggestions above. I’d also suggest: think about what brings you pleasure or joy. Or what used to bring you pleasure or joy, as it’s very hard to feel pleasure in anything when you’re depressed. Then take break it down into smaller steps, how can you do a bit of that in your life as it is now.

Allow yourself to think of yourself as someone who deserves pleasure and fulfilment, and work out a few small steps that would take you in that direction.

Awful advice. OP has stated that her marriage isn't in a good place, it'd be totally irresponsible to add another baby into the mix until this is sorted. Not to mention cost of childcare, which would likely hamper the plans to move. I'd rather wait til I lived in a nicer area, which would be much better for all concerned, especially OP's current child.

Look at degrees where Student Finance will pay for you to retrain. one being social work which will fulfil a lot for your objectives

I agree that suggesting having another baby when generally unhappy, in a rocky marriage, and when actively wanting to change careers is terrible advice!

You are spiralling through this huge list of reasons not to like yourself, you are perfectly right that they do not all need to be fixed right now.

Regular exercise would be my primary focus - it will help the depression, help the weight etc. When you feel physically better, you will start to see the light in the other parts of your life. A lot of good thinking can be done when you are thrashing up and down a swimming pool or heavy-breathing on a jog round the estate.

Honestly who cares if these mum friends are “real” friends? What is a real friend anyway, once you’re an adult - friendship is about a million different ways of connection - humour, shared interests, caring and listening, time spent together. Friendship is a journey and sometimes people drift into and out of your life and sometime they stick around, friends can be people who let you unload worries or they just natter , laugh with or drink with or take up a challenge with. It’s not one thing and you don’t need to force it to have fun. You can have a great time with these temporary acquaintances - go for walks or jog or join a choir, or walk rescue dogs together, volunteer at a kids football team. It can be anything really.

I would not have a second baby now and I’d think seriously about “one and done”. As your child gets older life will get much easier - whereas a second child can really destabilise things again - exacerbate depression, add pressure to cost of living and make you feel even more “stuck” in a job you dislike as you are sucked back in after maternity leave, put further strain on marital relationship, add to a feeling that you’re not in control of your destiny and are “just defined by being a mum”.

Then I would contemplate what difference you feel you’d like to make in the world. What is attractive about a STEM qualification, particularly? If you are worrying about state of the NHS or the lack of support for victims of abuse or ecological disasters - think about how to deploy There are a zillion ways to make a difference. You could use your business qualification to work in charity.

Make moving your medium term goal. Align with your dp on that - make sure you are both working to the same target and keep checking in.

Thanks All - i've read all the comments, they're incredibly helpful and have given me great comfort.
I know i'm being a bit dramatic, and that I should really go speak to the doctor.

I'll try to sit down tonight and make a list of key small things i can do to make some changes. I think I just needed someone to tell me its going to be okay, and to give me the advice you all have!

Depression sucks, and I definitely feel stuck at present - I think its difficult because I know I want a baby, and that will stall my career for the next few years. But then I know its reckless to have a baby whilst i'm feeling like this too.

Yes let's bring more kids into world where their parents don't like each other and end up with a traumatic childhood. Jesus Christ!