To be really unhappy with life.

[sadtimessally]

I just need to vent, and someone to tell me to man the fuck up really.

I'm so unhappy with my life, and have no idea how to fix it.

For context,

I'm turning 30 this week. I have a 3 year old child, I live in a house in an awful neighbourhood which I'm stuck in for a few more years until we can afford to move.

I work in the top of my salary band public sector in a 'woke job' that mumsnet hates with no future prospects to get promotions and at constant risk of being cut. Its unfulfilling but pays ok, and is super flexible around childcare.

My friends are great but honestly I don't even know if they like me or if we are friends because our kids are the same age.

My marriage is seriously rocky, but we both want another child - but agree we cant take that step until we start to get on better.

My hobbies are recently non existent as my husband works away a lot so I don't have the ability to go classes/hobbies anymore.

I'm overweight but constantly eating my emotions and seem to be totally addicted to bad unhealthy food. I have started working out, which helps me calm a little, but so unsatisfying.

I have just gained a 1st class degree in Business management and economics - which feels like such a waste and a 'micky house' degree as I have such a non impact in the world, and no career prospects. I wish I got a STEM degree where I could do something.

I wish I was in a nicer house, in a nicer area. I wish I had a job that actually made a difference in the world, I wish I had time to commit to a creative hobby I love, I wish I had friends who actually liked and made time for me, I wish I had family who wanted to spend time with us. I wish I was slimmer, and heathier, and had a better marriage, and generally just happier.

I have (if you cant tell) major depression and anxiety - normally I can pull myself out of the slumps with a mixture of medication and just muddling through.. But I cant seem to pull myself out of this one - I feel like just dropping it all and leaving, starting again (with my wonderful child of course - though they also exhaust me). Literally my whole life needs to be changed.

Tell me - if you were me, what would you do first? How would you get out of this slump? I'm already on the medication, I'm having the counselling. What physical thing would you do to start to change your life at 30? Please give me some inspiration!

(Note I cant afford to move house, or pay for uni again, or quit my job etc. - I'm very much on a budget)

Personally I think you should focus on small changes that can over time make a huge difference. You need to be happier with your life as it is, while making small steps to make it better in the long term ratehr than focusing on all the reasons you hate everything. Negativity is the thief of your joy. Find happiness in achievable things for you now - not a new house, new job, new cat, new career... you want achievable! a walk in the sunshine, the fact its not raining, the flowers in the park, stroking a pooch, going for an ice cream, set yourself little goals and celebrate them, stupid shit but its the mind.. set a goal to put up that shelf, or change the bedding today or whatever SMALL task you have that day, again achievable! and when youve done it, celebrate it, not massivebut make a point of telling yourself youve done good today, youve managed to do XYZ and thats a good thing.. Each time you focus on "hate this, hate that" , stop ✋️ not even a minute, you have to turn that shit around. It's bad for brain psychology, Negative thoughts they breed, they poison. Start small, google it.

Cut out all processed foods. It will really impact your mood and weight.

Thankfully - the whole having an additional child isn't going to impact our moving ability too much, or at least we've already planned the expected increase in mortgage into our current budget so that money wont be missed (if that makes sense) and done the affordability checks based on 2 dependants rather than 1.

However the rocky marriage is what's holding us off, or at least delaying us with baby no2. Thankfully, we're both aware of it, and both want to work on it, it wouldn't be the end of the world I don't think if I got pregnant now, but it would definitely mean additional pressure on us during those newborn days again. Ideally i'd like to avoid that as much as possible, and absolutely wouldn't want it to impact my current child.

Regarding the second baby, I completely accept that others will deem that to be terrible advice - I would have agreed with you myself twenty years ago! I probably would have advised against having any children whatsoever, as that was where my own head was at the time. But life makes you think differently about things.

If the OP had said that they didn’t want a second child then of course that would make everything simpler and more straightforward. I completely agree! But they both do want a second child, their older child is three, she has a stable job and maternity benefits but isn’t so engaged in her career that maternity leave would disrupt things…Perhaps now is the right time? Then she can properly focus on a career change and house move afterwards.

I am spiralling - the most frustrating this about this is, if a friend was going through this i'd point out this exact thing. It's hard to tell yourself that i think sometimes.

I really like the idea of STEM because it's (usually) a qualification where you have an end product of some description, or someone has been benefited. If you remove my role from existence - nothing would happen really - and that kind of makes me feel pointless. Charity is a good idea - maybe my next role should be within a non-profit or somewhere similar.

I think you hit the nail on the head - I feel like 'just a mum' at present. I have no idea who I am anymore.

Sorry OP, I was writing my post as yours loaded.

what one thing could you and your husband do to improve your life in the immediate short term?

Thank you for this, this has really helped me realise what I know - however cant seem to say for myself. I really appreciate it xx

Thank you for this, I have started CBT and used the thought journal, but will also start to use these questions, and i've just bought the audible version of that book recommendation. thank you again.

In this order I would:

1. Make an appointment with your go to discuss meds, CBT etc anything that might help.
2. Continue working out. This will make you feel physically and mentally much better.
3. Talk to your DH about what the problems with your relationship are and how you might go about fixing them.

The job, house, second baby should wait until you are in a better position with your mental health and relationship to make big decisions. You will be ok and get through this!

Sorry that should read your GP!

1. Start looking after what you eat
2. Get a side hustle like delivering leaflets or dog walking, this will give you a hobby/exercise/extra income
3. Work in your relationship, maybe you could do the side hustle together when he is home and use that time for conversation? A marriage is a business and it takes effort to keep it afloat.

I would start with those 3 and after you see improvements there you can move onto the next goal.

This is such a good question.

I recently did a workbook about goals (Mel Robbins, free online) and it was super interesting. Whilst I thought at the beginning that I had all of these "goals" - I wanted to be thinner, be richer, move house, smash career stuff, etc etc.... actually, it boiled down to one. I wanted to get on with DH better.

So, I prioritised that. Picked one small thing we could do straight away, and went from there. The knock on impact on our lives has been huge. We get on better, so are helping support each others fitness and career goals, our house is running better so we feel less stressed, our kids are happier...

Tackle the negativity about your relationship, together, and move forwards. Life feels better with someone in your corner.

Try watching ‘The Secret’
I found it helpful.
key trick to losing weight and getting fit - do it because you love yourself not because you hate yourself. Start by thinking about what you’re grateful for and what you like. Think about what you want and how to get there.
the bad stuff is just temporary.

Hi: I could have written your post. I’m desperately unhappy in all aspects of my life at the moment. And like you, I tend to compound ‘all the things’ into a huge group and hey presto! Overwhelm.
I always feel better if I exercise. When King Depression is tugging at my clothes, I find exercise is the antidote. It can be like lifting yourself through sludge to get there and there have been times it’s taken me 30 minutes and lots of self talk just to lace up my trainers, but as a way to feel better, it just works.

Sorry you're having a tough time, OP. Personally, I would start with 1) count my blessings every night before sleeping (advice my grandmother gave me!) and 2) aim to cut out all processed junk food and sugar. I know 2) is a lot of work, but for me I notice I have way more energy when I'm eating healthily. There are also studies that indicate that depression and anxiety can sometimes be helped by a healthy diet (but obv don't give up meds unless directed by doctor!). So it might be that if you get your food intake under control, then the other things will follow. You'll have the energy to work on your relationship, look at different jobs, feel more positive about your life etc. Don't even worry about the weight, just aim to eat lots of vegetables, protein, unprocessed carbs and no snacking.

I could have write this post myself OP.

And the total mind f$ck is where to even begin with it all?!

I think focus on small joys. I am also in a big slump, difficulty in my relationship, health issues that keep me housebound alot, but I joined online communities for crafts and it's been good. I also lack friends and desperately would like to make some but as getting out of the house is hard and people don't really seem to want to make friends in middle age, I have accepted what it is. I make stuff and post it online and I got a lovely cat to keep me company. I also bake things I like and go for walks.

I think its really helpful that you have a wish list. Because the first step to change is identifying where you want to be. After that it's a matter of action planning to take you closer. You need to start with the one thing on your list that's most within your control. Your physical health and wellbeing. So I'd start by adding in to your diet the best most nutritious foods you can. Aim for 7 to ten fruit and veg and have them BEFORE you eat your usual foods. Make yourself get outside whenever you can and walk, walk and walk. Take vit D and B supplements and when you're not working or walking, relax and rest without guilt. Try this for a month without worrying about the other things (one thing at a time) then reassess.

I find it so sad that this is a genuine response to what OP has said. Ffs, there are so many aspects here which could be addressed. Why are we allowing ourselves to pathologise and medicalise normal life?! Tragic.

You have a lot of pluses in there and your child is only 3. Are you sure it's not just still a work in progress. Building the life you want takes time. Are you sure it's not just how you're feeling now, tired, going through a harder time etc rather than a long term problem

This thread is 18 months old.
Would love to know how you are though @sadtimessally, if you are still reading x

Jesus, you're right. Think it's a sign I need to get off Mumsnet and do some work! Thanks for pointing that out and yes, I hope OP is doing ok now. Not a nice way to feel

so did you man the fuck up?!