To be annoyed with inlaws

Contraversialcate · 2024-02-06T22:31:54+00:00

There is a history of my DH family being selfish and ignorant but we all pretend to get along. For normal people tho I am curious; is it unreasonable to expect at least some acknowledgement or communication to say they are sorry to hear that one of my best friends has passed away (cancer). They knew it was coming; they knew how utterly close we were. Yet not even a mention of it despite me posting on family WhatsApp group (since left it). I thought it was wholly ignorant but a friend says maybe they are just a bit rubbish at texting and not to be upset about it?!! I haven’t seen DBiL but I have seen in laws in person since it happened AIBU - it’s a bit rubbish but don’t take it personally YANBU - it’s really ignorant and uncaring

2024NewyearNewme · 06/02/2024 22:36

I'm sorry for your loss, that's truly awful of them

hugs🤗 ❤️

Linsco · 06/02/2024 22:43

I am so sorry for your loss 💓
You are not being unreasonable to expect even the smallest of consolation.
Let me guess though, are these the same folks who would be expecting it from you? I have similar in-laws, when I can ba, I very passive aggressively remind them of times they haven’t bothered their ar*es with me…..

chantelion · 06/02/2024 22:46

On this instance I'm not sure. My SIL best friend passed away tragically too and it never crossed my mind to message her directly about it even though we are close. It's her friend who I have never met and didn't think to do so. When dh spoke to her he passed on my sympathies. Maybe if it was a family member than that's different as your IL would probably have met them?

Lavender14 · 06/02/2024 22:46

Ah op that's awful and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Some people are incredibly awkward around death and grief and rather than just saying something they shut down and avoid it altogether which is obviously much worse.

But you're not unreasonable to expect them to have offered you condolences and to have checked in on you and how you're doing. Have you spoken to your dh about it? Really I'd say its his responsibility to tackle things like this and to have your back. He's the best placed person to have a quiet word with them that they're coming across badly and he doesn't appreciate the lack of concern for his wife's welfare.

pootlin · 06/02/2024 22:48

YANBU. Good you left the group. Don’t fall out with them but don’t acknowledge things in their life either.

Original poster

Contraversialcate · 06/02/2024 22:48

Just to clarify they knew my friend well had met her many many times, been bridesmaids and ushers at our foreign wedding together. She was very quiet with people she didn’t know but she was always friendly and they saw her at probably 30 or so parties of ours over the years.

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Mumof2teens79 · 06/02/2024 22:50

I think if I had posted on the family what's app that my best friend died most people would respond with a brief message....but I don't think I would do that.
It's more likely that DH would tell his mum next time they spoke, who would tell others next time they spoke and may pass on sympathies next time we met

Original poster

Contraversialcate · 06/02/2024 22:51

pootlin · 06/02/2024 22:48

YANBU. Good you left the group. Don’t fall out with them but don’t acknowledge things in their life either.

I guess there is a history of them not acknowledging genuinely big things in our lives, but equally DH believes his DP won’t change so why try and point out their shortcomings to them? I kind of agree with him but find it incredibly frustrating. Of course they will expect care and attention from me in future and I am always kind and inclusive to my parent in laws. Less so to BiL now as I think he’s a very selfish person but always polite and make inane chit chat.

OP posts:

Original poster

Contraversialcate · 06/02/2024 22:52

Mumof2teens79 · 06/02/2024 22:50

I think if I had posted on the family what's app that my best friend died most people would respond with a brief message....but I don't think I would do that.
It's more likely that DH would tell his mum next time they spoke, who would tell others next time they spoke and may pass on sympathies next time we met

My DH told his mum and his brother - no contact other than a brief message from his mum. It was actually the funeral notice I posted to see if SiL or BiL would pick up on it and message me. Would you not message your sympathies?

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DrasticAction · 06/02/2024 22:52

In their defence I woud say loss is extremely hard for people around us to cope with.

AND you may get flowers soon or a card or something. However my in laws didn't say a kind word to me after df loss so it could also be that they are just absolutely awful people.

Original poster

Contraversialcate · 06/02/2024 22:53

chantelion · 06/02/2024 22:46

On this instance I'm not sure. My SIL best friend passed away tragically too and it never crossed my mind to message her directly about it even though we are close. It's her friend who I have never met and didn't think to do so. When dh spoke to her he passed on my sympathies. Maybe if it was a family member than that's different as your IL would probably have met them?

Thanks for an alternative perspective

OP posts:

Original poster

Contraversialcate · 06/02/2024 22:54

pootlin · 06/02/2024 22:48

YANBU. Good you left the group. Don’t fall out with them but don’t acknowledge things in their life either.

I honestly couldn’t treat someone else the way they treat me

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Mumof2teens79 · 06/02/2024 23:38

Contraversialcate · 06/02/2024 22:52

My DH told his mum and his brother - no contact other than a brief message from his mum. It was actually the funeral notice I posted to see if SiL or BiL would pick up on it and message me. Would you not message your sympathies?

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I am on very good terms with ILs generally but I don't message/speak to them that often to be honest. When we see each other we talk about loads and are very close. DH has passed on information about BIL of SIL lives and I have expressed sympathy or congratulations to him and assumed he would already have done the same on our behalf.
For something like this I may have posted a sympathy card instead.....

BobbyBiscuits · 07/02/2024 00:08

If you don't really like them would you really gain much from their sympathy. Typing 'I'm sorry for your loss, hope you're ok' takes not long but if it means nothing then what's the point. There must be plenty of people who knew your dear friend and their sympathy and support would probably be more meaningful. I hope you can seek solace in your mutual friends?

NewName24 · 07/02/2024 00:08

Mumof2teens79 · 06/02/2024 22:50

I think if I had posted on the family what's app that my best friend died most people would respond with a brief message....but I don't think I would do that.
It's more likely that DH would tell his mum next time they spoke, who would tell others next time they spoke and may pass on sympathies next time we met

I agree with this.

It isn't something it would occur to me to post on a WhatsApp group. Even more so with people I didn't get on with.

Focus on yourself for now. Awful to lose a close friend and even more so when they are taken far too young.

pootlin · 07/02/2024 00:42

Of course they will expect care and attention from me in future and I am always kind and inclusive to my parent in laws..

They can expect until the cows come home but it doesn’t mean you should give it.

Why do they expect it from you, because you’re a woman? They should look to their own offspring, not you.

Let this be a signal to you that these people don’t see you as family, like a daughter or a sister.

pootlin · 07/02/2024 00:43

Contraversialcate · 06/02/2024 22:54

I honestly couldn’t treat someone else the way they treat me

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Then please withdraw from them. DH can go see them, you don’t need to be there.

Sounds like they use you.

RobertaFirmino · 07/02/2024 01:46

Hey, my PIlL didn't even say anything when my mum was killed. I'd spent the four weeks immediately prior to this traipsing up to the hospital every other day to visit MIL, cleaning up her vomit and wiping her arse, spending a small fortune on mags, Rennies, Lucozade, toiletries etc. and cooking up a freezer full of single portions for FIL.

BungleandGeorge · 07/02/2024 02:23

So MIL did message you?
sympathies are traditionally sent to immediate family of the deceased. If you’d messaged about your feelings then yes I’d expect a response but not really from a funeral notice- especially from BIL who you are not close to. Funeral notices are generally shared widely as information only. In your situation I’m not sure I would expect condolences for loss of a friend. Will they go to the funeral?

Georgeandzippyzoo · 07/02/2024 06:55

If anyone i know posted a message saying sadly their close friend had passed away, I would reply witha 'I'm so sorry to hear this. Thinking of you! Quite generic but I'd still mention it.
If someone posted just the announcement I would respond in a similar way but only if i was more aware of the person who died and their relationship to the one posting.
I am sorry you've lost someone important to uou x x

Anjea · 07/02/2024 06:57

Mine wouldn't acknowledge it but I wouldn't either, it wouldn't cross my mind to really.

I'm sorry for your loss though

Fairyliz · 07/02/2024 07:06

BobbyBiscuits · 07/02/2024 00:08

If you don't really like them would you really gain much from their sympathy. Typing 'I'm sorry for your loss, hope you're ok' takes not long but if it means nothing then what's the point. There must be plenty of people who knew your dear friend and their sympathy and support would probably be more meaningful. I hope you can seek solace in your mutual friends?

I agree with this.
I know someone who always says the right thing almost like a script from a film, they sound really sincere. But they don’t actually mean it, so is it worth anything?

ColleenDonaghy · 07/02/2024 07:20

Contraversialcate · 06/02/2024 22:52

My DH told his mum and his brother - no contact other than a brief message from his mum. It was actually the funeral notice I posted to see if SiL or BiL would pick up on it and message me. Would you not message your sympathies?

Show quote history

I think that changes things tbh OP. MIL did send condolences and I think posting the notice in the group may have come across a little attention seeking or passive aggressive - do you post in it often?

However they really should acknowledge your loss, which is horrific. I lost my own best friend to cancer in our early 20's and it really is a devastating thing. Best wishes

MoreDollies · 07/02/2024 07:21

I think as you have told them yourself, I would expect an acknowledgement response from them, even if it's just a relatively bland "I'm so sorry to hear that" or other generic platitude.

If your DH had told them in a conversation away from you I don't think I'd expect them to message separately.

If my DH finds out about news from his parents in a weekly call, then I wouldn't contact them separately to commiserate or congratulate. I would trust him to speak on our collective behalf. I would ask them how they are doing or mention it (depending on scale) the next time we see them which may be a month or two's time.
But, if my father in law tells me about about his latest medical issue, I wouldn't not respond like I hadn't heard.

mrssunshinexxx · 07/02/2024 07:35

Nah they are total shits
Can't be doing with people that aren't empaths
To some tiny degree tbh since losing my mum
Sorry for your loss