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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be senitive about my MIL undermining me?

47 replies

SparklyMummy · 21/03/2008 20:27

RANT ALERT!

Today I visited my MIL for the second time since christmas because I have been so busy at work.

I got DD (2.4) out of the car. It was a lovely sunny day and it's about 4 steps to MIL's door. DD wanted to take her umbrella but I said no. She said she wanted to 'play' with it in Grandma's house so I explained that umbrella's were not for indoor use. DD decides to have a tantrum. MIL comes and out asks what the problem is so I explained. She takes DD by the hand, takes her inside and gives her an umbrella to play with. I bite my lip.

THEN DD shouts, "I want a biscuit now!" I said, "You do not ask for a biscuit like that, you should wait to be asked...but if you do ask you have to ask nicely." MIL gets biscuit tin and DD eats most the the biscuit before deciding that she doesn't want THAT biscuit, she wants a different one. It's nearly lunch time so I say no. MIL comments, "What does it matter?" I explained that I would prefer her to eat a healthy lunch (and then be treated to a pudding) rather than filling herself up with biscuits. MIL then lectures me about all the children she knows whose parents were 'too rigid'...GRRRRRRR. I don't think I am too rigid - do you?

Sorry for the rant. I feel better now

OP posts:
Original poster
SparklyMummy · 21/03/2008 20:28

Forgot to add that DP has been really defensive...he thinks it was a fairly trivial incident and that I am over reacting.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 21/03/2008 20:31

oh poor you .. it can be really infuriating when the older generation interfere in their been there, done that you're making a big deal of it all way

DP is right though

joyfulspike · 21/03/2008 20:34

dd is your child, you set the rules. If my mil did that, I would take the brolly away saying that it isn't a toy and we don't play with them at home or anywhere else.

As for the biscuit thing, I woudl also take biscuit away, we do not ask for biscuits, but wait until after lunch.

I am prob a complete evil cow to my mil, but she gets the message, and its not fair to have one set of rules at home and another elsewhere.

notnowbernard · 21/03/2008 20:34

I too would feel annoyed at being undermined by MIL

Also wouldn't appreciate the child-rearing tips

BUT

Probably would've let her have the brolly

And Biscuits At Nanny's And Grandma's On Demand are part of the deal with my dds, fortunately/unfortunately (depending on my mood!)

Original poster
SparklyMummy · 21/03/2008 20:36

I know DP is right in that it is a trivial incident but at the same time DD was so testing when we left there and I am convinced it was because she got away with so much when she was there.
He wouldn't like it if my mother did that to him!

OP posts:
Monkeytrousers · 21/03/2008 20:41

It's difficult to tell. Are you due on for example? Do you normally have power stuggles with her? Do ytou normally just shrug it off?

She is just trying to assert herself cos she's pretty powerless really.

Or she might do worse, I dunno??

Monkeytrousers · 21/03/2008 20:44

Just to add - my mother is a cow - hardly ever see her but just let her get on with it while we are there as it is so rare and I always go after 2 hours.

Fopr example we are veggies and she always offers DS a sausage and says he needs some meat on his bones in spite of the fact that he is an incredibly healthy and tall boy

She's just a silly moo and life is too short.

Original poster
SparklyMummy · 21/03/2008 20:44

I'm not due on but think i'm about to OV. She is always trying to assert herself...other incidents include DD slamming glass cabinet doors when she was about 18 months. I moved her away and she was upset. MIL says..there's no harm and take her back....ERRR YES THERE IS.
I do normally shrug it off but the more it happens the harder I have to bite my lip and end up ranting to DP as soon as we pull off the drive.

OP posts:
quint · 21/03/2008 20:49

I agree with joyfulspike. I would have taken the brolly off of her and been frim on the bicuit too - I wouldn't care if she thought I was too rigid, the fact is that I know I'm not and my DD's get plenty of treats.

You would only need to assert yourself a few times and she'd soon get the messge.

We've had this problem with my FIL, he thinks me and DH are terrible for not letting DD1 have a chocolate bar at 8.30am She then had a tantrum and we had to explain that it was his fault she was upset not ours - he hasn;t done it again since!

MeMySonAndI · 21/03/2008 20:51

Oh well... my mother has been visiting for a few days, it has been like that every couple of hours since she arrived a few days ago... And the moment I open my mouth she starts accusing me of all the things she has imagined I have thought. Tried yesterday to rectify I didn't say that, or I wasn't thinking like that and she started taking bad things out of other times, she went all the way to my pre university years and.... then accused me of not being able to leave the past behind .

One day later and she is still annoyed with me. I'm to wary to open my mouth [rolls eyes]

Fossil · 21/03/2008 20:51

Just don't go back again until next Christmas.

StressTeddy · 21/03/2008 20:52

Never ever be worried about your reaction to your MIL. IMO they are usually justified feelings. MIL's often odd ways of doing/saying/implying things and have a real knack of winding us daughter in laws up the wrong way. You vent away my lovely and enjoy the rant!!!

notnowbernard · 21/03/2008 20:54

But I have really fond memories of the 'rules' being broken at my grandparents houses as a child

ie, an endless supply of biscuits, cakes, and treats. Lovely days... can't remember ever being told off by my GPs

I think this is why I've had to 'let it go' somewhat with the dds. I do have to bite my tongue a lot because the sugar-on-tap is truly astonishing

I did put my foot down at MIL's once when DD1 demanded a bowl of ice-cream at 10am and MIL was dithering by the freezer

HonoriaGlossop · 21/03/2008 20:57

I don't think there's any harm with a child playing with a brolly so I think yes you were too rigid there. What's the harm?

Since you visit rarely, I don't think a couple of days since Christmas where your dd had some biscuits before lunch would harm either!

I think it's really, really hard for your MIL in that situation. It sounds like this was the first time since Christmas she has seen your DD? If it were me I'd find it heart wrenching to see her arrive in tears when it could be stopped by a little play with a brolly!!!

OK I can see would be much politer if she at least took some note of dd's lunchtime but I expect it would be easier to do that if the visits were more routine; when it's a real treat visit to a GPs house it's ALL about the treats IMO

If you see her rarey, none of what she does is going to have any lasting effect on your dd. I do think you are being too rigid.

HonoriaGlossop · 21/03/2008 20:58

rarely, I mean

hecate · 21/03/2008 21:01

imagine it was your mum that had done those things. Pretend it was her. what would you have said to her?
Say that. don't let it be any different because it is your husband's mother.
but if it would not have bothered you as much if it had been your mother, then let it go.

Original poster
SparklyMummy · 21/03/2008 21:08

DD sees MIL at least once a week. DP visits her every lunch hour from work and then takes DD there every weekend. It's just me that has only seen her once since xmas.
I would have had a go at my mum if she had behaved in that way but feel I shouldn't say anything to my MIL because I don't want to upset her/DP. I also know that she would be very offended and dismissive

OP posts:
quint · 21/03/2008 21:14

It doesn't matter whether people think you are being rigid about the brolly or the biscuit - the thing is you had specifically said no and your MIL had heard you, she went completly against your wishes and that is wrong. It os up to you to say, oh go on then if granny doesn't mind, or OK but only one more biscuit, the thing is you didn;t and your MIL shouldn;t have gone against you

HonoriaGlossop · 21/03/2008 21:23

oh ok, so not the 'seeing each other just a few times a year' scenario that I was imagining then!

I still think - just give the girl the brolly, I mean there are some battles just not worth fighting and that was one of 'em in my humble opinion.

Yes, on reflection and given the amount that your MIL sees her grand daughter, she should have listened to you about the biscuit issue.

teabreakgirl · 21/03/2008 21:29

I have a really good relationship with my mil. But sometimes I have to put my foot down or be firm. Someone commented earlier that you only have to do it a couple of times then they get the pic. I would agree. Its not down to anyone to say whether your dd should have been allowed the bloody umbrella or not. You had made your decision. We all know that once you make a decision its best to try and stick to it, so mil should not interfere with your rules. Best not to take it out on dp though as I learnt that they cant much control their parents either!

Original poster
SparklyMummy · 21/03/2008 21:30

After a glass of wine and lots of wise words from you lovely ladies, I am feeling really relaxed. I think you're prob right..she is being unreasonable but I guess that's the best thing about being a grandparent. You can do what you like without living with the consequences.
If i'm ever lucky enough to have a son (as lovely as hers) then I will try my best to be a much better MIL. I'm sure women never thinking anyone is good enough for their son though and maybe that's part of it.
Thanks for your posts. I'm going to try not to let her wind me up in future

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 21/03/2008 21:34

I tell you what has amazed me is how sometimes GP's just can't HELP themselves. I've seen it with my own adored mum, she KNOWS it is his dinner time, yet she surreptitiously hands him a pack of chews - and this is the woman who only allowed us lentil stew and brown bread and fresh juice

I just think they adore the grandchildren so much it's like a compulsion to treat them - maybe (looking on the generous side) it's more that your MIL is feeling, than the wish to go against you and wind you up!

Trolleydolly71 · 21/03/2008 21:36

Message withdrawn

Elasticwoman · 21/03/2008 21:44

Perhaps next time: dump dd on her doorstep and run away before Grandma has a chance to wind you up!

poodlepusher · 21/03/2008 21:45

your MIL was wrong to do both things and to undermine you - but I don't think its worth your getting steamed up about it, they were quite minor things. Neither has put your child's safety or health in danger, and there is that old cliche about grandparents "spoiling" children. It rankles I know but I'd leave the firm words with MIL for when you REALLY need them.

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