Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be senitive about my MIL undermining me?

47 replies

SparklyMummy · 21/03/2008 20:27

RANT ALERT!

Today I visited my MIL for the second time since christmas because I have been so busy at work.

I got DD (2.4) out of the car. It was a lovely sunny day and it's about 4 steps to MIL's door. DD wanted to take her umbrella but I said no. She said she wanted to 'play' with it in Grandma's house so I explained that umbrella's were not for indoor use. DD decides to have a tantrum. MIL comes and out asks what the problem is so I explained. She takes DD by the hand, takes her inside and gives her an umbrella to play with. I bite my lip.

THEN DD shouts, "I want a biscuit now!" I said, "You do not ask for a biscuit like that, you should wait to be asked...but if you do ask you have to ask nicely." MIL gets biscuit tin and DD eats most the the biscuit before deciding that she doesn't want THAT biscuit, she wants a different one. It's nearly lunch time so I say no. MIL comments, "What does it matter?" I explained that I would prefer her to eat a healthy lunch (and then be treated to a pudding) rather than filling herself up with biscuits. MIL then lectures me about all the children she knows whose parents were 'too rigid'...GRRRRRRR. I don't think I am too rigid - do you?

Sorry for the rant. I feel better now

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 21/03/2008 21:53

You just need to say, "I said, "No, DD,"" a couple of times with a glare at MIL and she'll back off.

Then afterwards, privately say, "Thank you," to MIL for supporting you in your parenting decisions because "we both know how hard it is to bring up children properly particularly these days when there's so many delinquents about,"

Woo her onto your side and simply don't allow your parenting of DD become an area of conflict. She's in the wrong of course - nobody should seek to undermine a parent like that but by making her feel like she's contributing and being ever so helpful, you might avoid future issues.

You might, as I said, have to snarl a couple of times first to show you mean business though.. ...

WallOfSilence · 21/03/2008 23:41

You need to not sweat the small stuff

I used to be like you... MY RULES MUST BE OBEYED...

Not anymore! Since I realised how easy life is when at MILs & dd is being spoiled by her & FIL.

They don't get biscuits at home..but they know they are allowed them at MILs. They ask her for them & she even allocated them a cupboard of their own to keep those yoghurt covered raisins in..

Grandparents get pleasure out of giving kids biscuits etc... In the long run it will not harm her, honestly

I wish I could take the clock back to my dds first 2 years... unfortunately I didn't have much to do with MIL as I felt she was trying to undermine me... always giving dd choc buttons... then I realised it was once in a blue moon... really no harm in it... but as the years have progressed & MIL & I have started getting on... I notice the snacks are fruit, cereal bars, raisins etc....

DD will know what the rules are at home & know they are diff from grandmas house. My kids know they never eat in the living room @ home....but in MILs house, anything goes!!

alicet · 22/03/2008 07:33

As isolated incidents your dp is right.

However its not about the specific incidents is it? It's about her undermining you. I would be livid if MIL did this - and if dh or my mum did this too. We had an understanding that we all back each other up regardless of whether we agree or not and then go discuss it later if we didn't agree. Important for our ds's to see mum and dad (and grandparents) all backing each other up.

However I don't think it matters that there are different rules in grandparents houses - different rules exist in different places all through life and it's good for them to learn this

AbbeyA · 22/03/2008 07:53

I think that different rules in different places are fine-surely a lot of the fun of being a grandparent is being able to relax and not stick to rules?
I would have been more upset about the DD's way of demanding a biscuit rather than the biscuit itself, but you could have a word with her afterwards about rudeness.

WinkyWinkola · 22/03/2008 07:59

It's not about biscuits. It's about the MIL deliberately doing the exact opposite of the mother.

Flight · 22/03/2008 08:06

I have a similar problem with my own mother.

The upshot is that I no longer see her and Ds at the same time - I mean, if she is having him, she jolly well takes him out or to her own house up the road, and then they do what they like but we are quite clear that we have different rules for my house and Grandma's house. That avoids most of the issues...Grandmas DO have different rules, but it should be her problem to deal with the aftermath if Dd is at her house and you're not there! I think otherwise the children get really confused having two adults with different rules there.

She might play up a bit when you get her back but I reckon less if she only has one adult to deal with and not that sense of conflict or atmosphee she'll pick up on if you are at odds.

Let Grandma indulge her if she must, it's what Grandmas are for, but don't make yourself witness it - and don't change YOUR rules when grandma visits your house!

Simiantrousers · 22/03/2008 08:38

I dunno TrolleyD - I wouldn't even care abotu that. Why be such a sourpuss? I'd just give DD/DS a sly and smile and a wink as if to say 'silly old moo' and let her get on with it. Let the child learn to have a sense of humour about grumpy old women!

evie99 · 22/03/2008 09:07

I really liked Hecate's idea about pretending it's your own mother when asking her to do things/not to do things. I am going to try this out with my MIL.

horsish · 22/03/2008 09:25

have reluctantly concluded at granny's house her rules go!Numerous incidents like the one you describe happened in the past and bothered me but now I just let it go

Makes life so much easier and so far my children realise that it's back to usualrules when they leave her house.

Original poster
SparklyMummy · 22/03/2008 10:31

Just had a read through. Thanks for all your posts ladies.

OP posts:
RedFraggle · 22/03/2008 10:38

I think I would have taken the umbrella away. But I allow any grand-parent treats at pretty much any time (just not too close to bed-time)- on the understanding that the rules are different at their house!
I am strict about safety but very lax on treats and that way both my parents and MIL know that I am not being funny if I do put my foot down.
Maybe try that tactic with your MIL - allow her to do the treats stuff but then say "sorry but I don't think that is safe, she will have to play with something else" over incidents like the cabinet and the umbrella.

KatieScarlett2833 · 22/03/2008 10:46

I have a wonderful relationship with my MIL. While my DC's are in her care, she can do what she likes regarding treats, spoiling, etc. AS LONG AS I DON'T HAVE TO WITNESS IT.

My house, my rules. Her house, her rules.

Blueskythinker · 22/03/2008 10:48

My MIL lets my DD bounce on the sofa - which she most definitely is not allowed to do. I just tell her, in front of Granny, 'remember, you are only allowed to do this at Granny's, because she is a soft touch. You are not allowed to do it anywhere else.' My MIL actually laughs about it.

My DD is 2.10yrs and it amazes me how they understand that there are different rules for different people.

As for her saying you are too rigid, all grandparents have some form of amnesia about their own parenting skills. Next time she says anything like that, laugh, and tell her she has probably forgotten all the times she was strict.

edam · 22/03/2008 10:51

lol at Trolleydolly's dismissal of everyone older than her as half-wits who had no idea how to bring up children - how on earth did the human race survive all those years?

Bet our parents thought the same about their parents, and our children will think the same about us...

totalmisfit · 22/03/2008 10:57

just tell her that each set of parents get to make their own rules. she got to make hers when her kids were young, now it's only fair that she supports you in your decisions.

AbbeyA · 22/03/2008 11:55

I too, smiled at Trolleydolly's idea that parents in the past were hopeless! It is very dismissive of all those who managed a brilliant job without hitting their DCs-they managed healthy diets and they had lots of experience of child development and psychology without having to read books!It hasn't suddenly been invented!
I would have thought that the role of grandparent was very different from being a parent in that they can relax and enjoy the relationship.

hecate · 22/03/2008 13:07

I think it's quite the opposite - we are forgetting how to parent children effectively.

Many kids are getting out of control. You NEVER used to see such widespread bad behaviour and violence and lack of respect as you do today and I blame parents 90%.

AbbeyA · 22/03/2008 14:58

I would agree with you hecate.

HonoriaGlossop · 22/03/2008 15:46

I also think it's dismissive to think you know best, when you have a two year old, and you're talking to someone who has gone through the whole experience of bringing up children to adulthood. OK, we often don't have exactly the same approach to bringing up children, but why immediately dismiss what they say, in this case, about parents who were too rigid with their children? She has more childcare experience, more life experience - she may be right!

AbbeyA · 22/03/2008 16:02

When you get to the teenage stage, and you are lying awake at night wondering where they are, you realise that all the little things that you worried about when they were small were largely unimportant!

Original poster
SparklyMummy · 22/03/2008 16:27

I agree with a lot of the posts so thanks again ladies.
Both my DP and his sister were sent away to boarding school ... so I wouldn't exactly say I was 'being dismissive' and 'I knew best'...I would just prefer to be backed up when discipling my child and for my DD to have some consistency.
I don't mind my MIL treating her (I like offering treats too)..I feel that kids need to have boundries though and don't want my DD thinking she can have her own way ALL the time. Did anyone see the article on the front page of the Guardian today....Permissive parents are the cause of children behaving badly. Being an only child, I feel that DD could easily become spoilt and want to avoid this as much as possible. I teach so many children who don't know how to behave and would just appreciate not being undermined when I go out of my way to set rules. Society is based around rules and I agree that it is good for her to realise that different rules apply in different places....I don't think i'll say anything to MIL (I wouldn't want to upset her). I think i'll just visit less often and allow her time with DD when she can be in control.
Thanks again and Happy Easter.

OP posts:
Jane68 · 22/03/2008 16:29

Tell her thanks for the rubbish advice but its your kid and you make the rules. Got to be strict with these types or they take the mickey.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page